Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Why I love Target.

We love this symbol, some of us even get excited when we find one randomly.
It's the butt of jokes for women everywhere.
but why?
It's not because someone told me too. 
It's not because I'm a millennial, because I'm not
It's not because it's cool now that I have children. 

I love Target because: 
It's clean.
The shopping carts, for a majority, aren't broken & nasty
They have a Starbucks inside & popcorn & pizza!
I love that the store has a order and is clean.
 I love that you can find someone to help you if you need them.
I love that I feel safe taking my kids there. 
I love that I don't have pressure to buy something, they don't care if I walk around with my hot coffee and just buy a pair of socks.(like you could only leave with one item.)I love being able to get anything from toilet paper, to electronics all in the same place. 
I Love the book selections! 
My oldest is obsessed with books and it's so great to be able to find books for him.
I love that I can use the 'cartwheel app' and use coupons. 
Oh my goodness, the $1 isle is just the bee's knee's.
I love that they have a pharmacy in the store.
I love their kids clothes!
I love their workout clothing.
 I love that they will let you exchange diaper boxes for a bigger size, 
even if they didn't come from them. (but must be on a registry that they've never asked for).
My absolutely favorite thing about Target is that there is never a forever checkout line.  

Our family goes to Target a lot simply because they carry the big bottles of Honest Juice for Little Dude & I don't have to run to base.

I'm not really sure when Target became the 'go to' spot but it's probably because Wal-Mart got so bad. I'm just thankful that a place like Target exists and I am not forced to only shop at Wal-Mart for basically the same items. 

Sunday, December 16, 2018

2019 Plans

Happy Holiday's!! 
I wrote last week about making a post about my goals for 2019, but first I wanna recap our 2018 year. I also wanna share the link to my post, Goodbye 2017, from last year. 
My husband came home after being gone for basically two years in February. 
We had our amazing miracle baby girl in April.
Little Dude turned one in April. 
My brother & sister in law moved in with us. 
Little man turned 3 in July.
 We said 'see you later' to our best friends in July.
We drove to Texas in late August, via van, with all three kids and had a fabulous time.
I started this amazing book that has changed my whole outlook & helped me make some huge decisions moving forward. 

Some of my goals for this year are also recaps from last year. 
1. Amazon:
2. De-Cluttering. 
3. Saving: 

I guess I need to take a second to explain the book change a little more. By reading "Girl, wash your face" by Rachel Hollis I realized that I didn't really have any future goals to work on. I decided that I wanted my own income .. just because. Well I have a lot of reasons but that leads to: 

I want to go to school and get my medical billing/coding certificate. It's about four months of online schooling and the plan is to tackle that in the Spring. My SIL & I decided to do the school together so that we can study together. Hopefully we start that sooner then later. 

5. Self. 
I am a huge believer in self maintenance. For year I have been coloring my hair blonde, getting my nails done and more. I have come to the decision that I don't want to get my hair done anymore. I can't stand wasting that time in a chair. I said my 'see ya later' to my hair girl about a week ago. I do plan on keeping my acrylic nails but I'm going to do it as a 'need to basis' instead of two week basis. It is supposed to help me destress.. I feel guilty the whole time I'm in the chair but I love the final outcome. 
If I can squeeze in the time, I think I'm going to re-up my Y membership. I just want to be selfish and go without the kids in the daycare area. I want to start/finish my school first. I also want the membership so that I can get the two little kids in swim lessons this year because I didn't get the boys in swim lessons at all this year. 
I also decided that as soon as we get back from vacation we are going full Keto. We are going to start with the lazy keto and move to the strict mid year. I want to also say that my husband started the beginning of the year and he has lost 30 pounds! So now that he has started it, it is a little easy to join in. 
I also plan to quit smoking, for real, this coming year. My Dr. already hooked me up with some medicine to help, and I'm ready. 

Those are my five things that I want to accomplish in 2019. I think I could add or embellish a little but I'm thinking I need more of a year of health care changes then anything else. I'm really ready to focus on getting back in shape, I mean I've been pregnant for like three Christmas out of four since 2014.. so yea my body could use some TLC. Those are my goals for 2019! Leave me a link for your goals so I can take a peek! 

Thursday, December 13, 2018

Woah.. time lapse

Ya know I rarely find time to time to stop and write you guys anymore. I feel sad about this and I promise that I will budget some time in 2019 to keep it updated.
Speaking of 2019...
I can't wait for this New Year.. I guess that's a good thing considering it's 17 days away! Every year on my birthday *which was a couple of days before Thanksgiving* I do my new years resolution list. Before I get to that I wanna say.. I'm not done going through the Rachel Hollis book "Girl, Wash your Face" I simply got stuck on the 'goals' chapter and it is a good thing! That helped add to my resolution list for 2019, which I will sharing in a separate post soon. 

My kids are my whole world. I wanted kids for SO incredibly long and it's incredible. BUT it's incredibly lonely. Adding in little man's autism into the mix and I feel alienated because people just don't understand and don't want to ask questions. I guess in a weird turn of events I've gotten this SAHM depression.. like it's a real thing. My Dr. told me about it a couple of months ago because I was POSITIVE it was because of the depo shot. The Dr. assured me it isn't (but I'm not a believer that it isn't). Adding to the fact that I felt like I didn't have any goals, my house is always a mess, my damn iPhone wont save my calendar... it's been a ROUGH couple of weeks.

The good is that we got family pictures done, we got some awesome Santa pictures done and my youngest just turned EIGHT months old!!! I'm in shock.. she can say a couple of words, she can sit up on her own and we saw her use her toes (while laying on her tummy) and crawl across the floor today.. like total disbelief. My husband said " I can't believe you aren't recording this" but I was in awe just like he was. The husband is home for a while & I'm so tickled about that. it's hard to go through so many changes and not have your rock here to help you balance it all. 

If you follow me through Facebook then you already kinda know what's been going on. My SIL passed away during a routine surgery and it rocked my world. I haven't felt a loss like that in a LONG time.. and I think the part that bothered me the most is that I needed the time to stop.. the world to stop for just a moment so that I could grieve. The kids still needed food, the clothes still needed to be done, chores had to be done and I was falling apart. My world spun for a couple of days and all I did was cry. I cried all the time.. in a store.. in the car.. at my son's therapy appointment.. ordering Starbucks. This thought would hit me and I'd just boo-hoo cry... like ugly cry. That single moment of loss changed me.. it changed me because our life is so fleating and it's so unfair to not tell those important to us how much they mean to us. You think you have so much time to say these things and then you don't. I don't think she would have lived b/c she knew how important she was to me.. but I would have made me feel better that I knew she knew.. ya know? 

So the past six weeks I have been going through so much.. alone. They ended up flying my husband home early due to his sisters death, other wise he'd be gone right now. We are planning on being Tacoma, WA for Christmas!! We are leaving the first day of Little Man's school leave & will be there for a good two weeks. I'm excited.. simply because I miss my bestie & I'm looking forward to seeing her. I'm excited to get away for a minute to decompress. I am so insanely excited for SNOW! We have so many awesome outings and things planned .. again SNOW. I love snow & I'm anxious to share this experience with my kiddos. 

I'll write up my 2019 post and compare it to last years.. for fun. I just wanted to check in with you all since it's been apx 6 weeks from my last post. 

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

fall break & bugs

I haven't forgotten y'all we are just halfway through Fall Break and it's a little crazy. It's a little harder to sit and write all this out with three kiddo's. Little man is off is schedule and I don't have the morning break to write this out.

We have had some fun during this break but haven't really left the house. It's always something. We are talking about taking the kids to the zoo this week & hopefully we can accomplish that. The house is decorated and the kids have Halloween costumes. Little Miss turned 6 months old - can't believe that. We had professional pictures done - like we have done with all three kiddo's. They turned out amazingly wel

One of my best friends flew in and we went to the Dierks Bentley concert. It rained. My first DB concert in the rain. I have a stuffy nose now but it was worth it. I also experienced my first UBER ride.. that was fun. We had a girls night out dinner and stayed out WAY too late. Three days being up past 1, with three little kids, not the smartest idea.

The last day of summer break we were going to go to the zoo. We had it all planned out. Let me back up. A couple of months ago Little Dude started breaking out in this rash at night. We went to Dr's and we were told it was an allergic reaction. We changed his milk, nothing changed. I started to notice that if I changed his sheets everyday that his rash wasn't so bad the next day. So I started stripping his bedding everyday and washing it, replacing all of it with clean bedding. We thought he was allergic to his own sweat. I also thought it was flea bites on him. With four dogs in the house I just assumed that to be the issue. I had Terminix out here on a regular spraying for flea's inside and out.
The rash got better but never really went away. So Friday we got ready for the zoo and I went to strip his sheets, the sheet got caught on the mattress and ripped. I had to pick up the mattress to get the sheet completely off the bed and that is when I saw it. It looked like mold on his bed skirt and first but then I quickly learned that it was bed bugs.

Dude. Imma let you know this shit is banana's. I have no idea where they came from, I had no idea we had them and I had no idea that was what was doing this. We could have gotten them anywhere and no where. The extensive process of management is bonkers! I have had to wash everything in his room.. his toys, his clothes, the bedding, the curtains. We had a to spray a chemical in the room, we had to bag the beds and box springs, we had to clean the walls. We had to 'steam' the curtains and the dressers, we had to take his bed apart and spray it down. We had to shampoo the carpets too, we moved every piece of furniture around to make sure we got every surface. Then after all of that - we had to spray Tea Tree oil on everything to kill the eggs.

Livid, Disgusted, Angry... those are a couple of words to describe how I felt all weekend. I cried.. a lot. I felt so bad that I let my baby get eaten by bugs I didn't even know we had. Four days since we have managed the mess and we aren't done. Little Man's rash is completely gone though! Don't let people fool you in believing bed bugs are for dirty joe's .. I swear you can get them from anywhere. We need to treat the house but that's very expensive so we are managing it by the steps I shared. We will have the house treated though after tax return unless the bugs come back before then. UGH.

I swear.. we can't just catch a break.

I'll get back to this awesome book as soon as I can guys. Pray for us.. send Rum and Detergent. lol


Wednesday, October 3, 2018


Girl..... this chapter hit so many levels of my current life.. it's insane!!
Chaos really wants to be my best friend and I want nothing to do with him. Everyone's chaos is different but similar. It could be your Mom, your Mother in law, your kids, your husband, the house chores, the juggling act of working and kids. "Every single one of us is living in chaos, we handle it in one of three way:"  1. We ignore it.  2. We battle it. 3. We drown in it". PG 116-117. YES! I both battle and drown in it. So let me summerize what she is saying because I'm the one reading the book and recaping it for you lol.
1. We ignore it by pretending the chaos isn't there. We bury our heads and just keep on going. Eventually the chaos will cause stress which will catch up with you.
2. We battle it: We tackle something different then the actual problem. You clean your kitchen because you are mad at your husband. "The problem with a battle is that we will always lose. If we plan that we can do enough or plan enough to make sure that nothing is ever difficult , we will only make ourselves feel like a failure when life is too hard." PG 117 -- THAT'S ME!! in a freakin' nut shell.
3. We drown into it: "We get overwhelmed by housework, regular work, family, and friends. The stress becomes all that we see" PG 117. This is also me if I can't talk about something that is bothering me that is more present then distance. Like stressing over my Mom will cause me to clean or organize. Things going on inside my wheel house will cause me to become overwhelmed.
We are stronger then this. 
The suggestion is to embrace the chaos.
How do we do that? We need to start by giving our self grace. We all fall short and we need to remember that tomorrow is a new day for us to try again. Take a deep breath and try to find humor in the situation. Like you send your kid to picture day in pajamas... ya know at first that would make me mad but after a beat it is kinda funny. Yesterday I lost track of time. It was 6pm and dinner was even thought of. SO I got flustered and started trying to make this tortellini pasta real fast. Problem was the kids were hungry 30 mins before & therapy was in session & I got embarrassed. Embarrassed that I lost track of time, angry that my kids were hungry and I didn't have the meal ready and angry that the other adults in the house didn't pick up my slack. I expected them too. The kids had a good meal but I was pretty upset so I made sure that dinner was ready on time today.
What is another way? To remember the Fruits of the Spirit - which are love, joy, patience, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.  What that means is we use the tools to help us through whatever situation we are in. Yesterday I needed self control & peace. Today I needed peace and joy. Also taking a moment for yourself is a good thing! So go get that pedi, go for that run, sit through that drive thru for cup of coffee.. and the hardest one of all... let people help you. Now I would personally LOVE for someone to help, that's actually my biggest complaint. We have four grown adults in this house, three kids and four dogs. Somehow I'm expected to carry the load and handle the cooking, cleaning, dog taking care of, laundry doing, kid wrangling, errand runner, and not expect a thing in return. It's hard ya'll. I have a lot of hard hard days. The more I ask for help the less I get. Now that the husband has been gone for three weeks.. I'm drained. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm through being a doormat. Then I remember the fruits of the spirit.. kindness, patience.. and joy. It doesn't always work that easily because I know I'm being taken advantage of. It's hard to rise above and feel appreciated.
Everyone has their own version of chaos. Remember that as you go through your day.. and remember to through a whole lot of patience and kindness every where you go.

"Girl, Wash your face" by Rachel Hollis - book overview.

Tuesday, October 2, 2018


Good Morning!
As promised I'm continuing with the chapter overviews of "Girl, Wash your face" by Rachel Hollis and my personal imput.
Chapter 10 is about goals. 
She says that women don't look forward to birthday's after a certain age. That we'd like to just sweep them under the rug because for the majority of us it marks another year of what we didn't accomplish. I love birthday's and I love to celebrate my loved one's birthdays. True to the point though - I usually don't celebrate my own. Simply because it's usually a couple days from Thanksgiving and we are all busy organizing and prepping for Turkey day. Our birthday's should be a celebration of the life we have created and accomplished thus far.
I love that she said "God has a perfect timing." "Maybe that goal wasn't ever mean to be yours". "Maybe you are destined for something so much cooler."
For years all I wanted was to be a parent. To have a child grow within me and become a parent. It took 12 years. Not a straight 12 - finacialy and personally I had to take time off but collectively it was 12 years. While I was fighting my own body to become a parent and understand why it wasn't working I lost sight of everything else. I had no other goals. I didn't put the baby making on hold and say "I want to be a hair stylist and I'm going to accomplish that first". Nope. I just wondered aimlessly from job to job praying something would stick.
Now that I'm in my late 30's I regret that. I regret not having that push or desire to create a career for myself. I could have been a great hair stylist! I could have pursued web design and made a great career for myself in 2007. I could have stuck with the goal of being a child psychologist I wanted to be in high school.  I just had blinders on and didn't think about the bigger picture. Which now I'm a stay at home Mom juggling 3 kids and I have a husband who is rarely here due to his career. So having a full time career wouldn't be a important in this stage of my life anyway.
In a portion of the book she says "own on negative self-talk can be more damaging than the emotional abuse heaped on us by a hateful parent. It's also far more insidious because there's nobody there to stop it, since we rarely even realize it's happening." PG 105

The challenge of this chapter is to not look at our un-met goals as a form of unacomplishments but look at it as those goals weren't really meant for you. Those un-met goals lead you to pursue something else that helped you gain your path. I have a hard time with that, personally, simply because I don't think I drove the bus to my own destiny, I was dragged. I lost my job in 2008 and a whole new whirlwind chapter started. It was out of my control and I just followed along - praying for something good to happen. and ya know what? It did! Yes I got divorced in 2010, yes I slept on my brother's couch for months with no money to my name. Yes, I moved to a completely different state without a job or direction.. but ya know what? I met my husband. I was available to be courted and taken care of for the first time in my life. I had to learn to rely and trust other people for the first time. I had to hit rock bottom and regain a new inner self. My husband and I met in 2010 but we didn't get married until 2013. Our first child was born in 2015, our second in 2017 and our third in 2018. I have a beautiful home, a awesome new van, no debit aside from our mortgage.. which is a lot better then where I was 10 years ago! I am very thankful that my 'goals' took a little longer to come to pass b/c my husband is an amazing father, provider and friend. I wouldn't want this path with anyone else.

I challenge you to do her advisement at the end of the chapter. "List out everything you have accomplished to date. In fact, write yourself a letter about your tenacity!" It's pretty enlightening!

Hope you have a great day! I hope you take a moment to write out that list of your own accomplishments so you can see how awesome you are! I hope that you stop doing your own negative self-talk and realize how awesome you are! Now go take on today with a brighter spirit and be patient with yourself and your goals. They shouldn't have expiration dates!

Monday, October 1, 2018


Hey ya'll
Welcome to October! Can you believe it? I'm still trying to figure out what happened to August; ha!
Well I took a couple of days off because we had a huge scare in our home and I lost my marble for a couple of days. Now that I'm a little more relaxed Tuesday I'll be jumping back into my daily chapter overviews with a personal punch of "Girl, wash your face" by Rachel Hollis. I'm sure she'd appreciate my dedication lmao. Today though I want to stupidly share what happened. Stupidly because i know it opens me up to being judged by all who read my words.
As some of you know my oldest, Little Man, is autistic. He is non-verbal and what I like to call a silent ninja. He has started to talk a lot more and he babbles all the time. I am so excited because I just know one day he's gonna wake up talking up a storm. ANYWAY.. some kids with autism are runners. They will run and not stop when you yell their name. They don't sense the danger and think it's fun to be chased. That is my son.
Last Wednesday someone didn't dead bolt the front door. I was cutting 10 single green grapes for Little Dude's dinner. I just happened to look up at the mirror over my sink, to see a vehicle stopped at my driveway. Totally out of the normal even for the six o'clock rush.. something in me froze. I literally jumped the kitchen gate and ran out the front door. Low and behold this lady was standing in the road holding my son and in tears. She said she almost hit him, he was running down the driveway and just bolted in front of her. Her poor shooken soul. I grabbed him up, hugged him, listened to her 'watch your kids please' as I walked up the driveway. The thing is... he had just been standing at that gate asking to "eat". I was explaining that I was waiting on the grapes and we'd eat. I had no idea he had opened the front door and closed it behind him. The dog siren didn't go off.. not a sound. THIS could have been SO much worse. It could have been fatal. This could have been a completely different outcome. In true mothers fashion.. i made him sleep with me that night (after just getting him back into his bed.. oy vey).  I was terrified to let him go to school, but he did, and I made sure to tell our ABA therapist about what happened.
I waited until he was fast asleep to call one of my best friends. I told her what happened in sobs. Half she asked me to keep repeating. All i kept thinking was how i let this happened, how could i not have had checked the door? WHY didn't the four dogs bark like usual?? HOW could i let my son just walk out of the house unknowingly? Why didn't I just put him in the booster seat - it was 10 grapes! I felt like the worst Mother on the planet.  We don't have a lot of strict rules in this house but one of the biggest ones is to bolt the doors and shut the gates. They are in place for a reason. 
The next day I sobbed to my other best friend in WA .. both friends interjected ideas and door solutions. At the end of the day.. the only thing you have to do is dead bolt the door. IT'S THAT SIMPLE. I don't need a fancy alarm or ten locks.. just dead bolt the door. I say that but I went out and bought a new dead bolt system from NEST. I can check to make sure the dead bolt is locked by an app on my phone, and I can lock/unlock the door from the car (super cool). We all have codes to enter into the house instead of keys. My brother bought us those chime sensors .. you add them to the crack of the door and when the door is opened it makes a insanely loud chime. I jump every. single. time. it goes off.. so it's doing it's job. We added a baby gate to the exit into the backyard - so he can't exit the garage and we added a motion spot light into the back yard. I know a day will come when he will figure out the lock. I know one day we will have to make extra extra measures but right now it's just simple. Dead bolt the door and shut the gates.
My husband is still gone. He has about another two weeks before he returns. He has no idea this happened. He has no idea I dropped three bills on a dead bolt and I'm scared to tell him what happened in person. It sucks, it's hard. I still feel like shit and he's been under my wing all weekend. I have taken him everywhere with me because I was that shook. I think I check the stupid app to the door lock like 20 million times a day too but everyone in the house has been super vigilant. I hold no blame towards anyone b/c mistakes happen but this one almost cost me my sons life.
My fear is that this will wear off with everyone in the house, myself included, because you feel safe. My fear is that someone doesn't lock that door again and we don't catch it. My fear is that I'll end up in jail over a unlocked dead bolt.
I'm basically a single Mom with three kids. I hold the ground to my house. If you can't follow the simple steps that I have put into place to keep my kids safe.. then you aren't welcome here. Unfortunately, I can't afford to be gracious about it now. People it scared me. It rattled my bones. SO while I send a prayer of thankfulness to the man upstairs, I'm also sending prayer of vigilance to my housemates.
Like I said our weekend got better, we collectively took steps to make sure this doesn't happen again. We all were very vigilant in making sure alarms and doors were set. I'm praying nothing like this ever happens again.  If like me, you have a runner, you aren't alone. It's scary, but you become wiser by every thing that happens. You do better and you become more aware. I've said it alot lately but I was reminded all week .. we aren't perfect. We aren't meant to be and sometimes things get out of our control. The lesson is to learn from it and pray that you take all the right measures and it never happens again.
What a way to end September. Here is to believing that October will be a thousand times better!!

Monday, September 24, 2018


Hope you all have had a great restfull weekend! If you are catching back up with me I have been reading a book .. kinda a self help book if you will.. and it's amazing. It's about the lies we are told and believe and how it hurts us from being our best self. So feel free to go back and read my last couple of posts and join in with me.
Chapters 8 of "Girl, Wash your face" by 'Rachel Hollis'brush on parenting.
Chapter 7 is about sex. I don't want to talk about my sex life at this moment so i'm going to skip over to the parenting chapters. Chapter 8 is about the expectations of newborn bliss and all that goes wrong. I have a 3 yr old, a 17 month old, and a 5 month old. Yes, I'm busy.. ha ha ha... I get so tired of hearing that. Anyway.. you'd think that with kid #3 I'd be a pro! Wrong! I look up milestone schedules every week. I can't remember what a 5 month old is 'supposed to do'. Hell I can't remember what a 4 month old is supposed to do and we just graduated from it. People often scoff when I say that.. but hell life happens and that's not what I stored in my memory bank. I'm currently worried because she hasn't 'rolled' over yet. She hates .. loathes.. tummy time and back time. She sailed right into a jumper and loves the heck out of it. The problem is she has great neck muscles but she isn't mastering the skills she needs on her back and tummy.
The book talks about remembering that life with a infant are 2 things.. the baby and you. Not the laundry, not the cleaning.. the baby & you. So if you are happy, healthy and well rested (snort) then you are more productive and attentive. True. Your kids sense your stress and they react. True. My 'problem' is .. in my house I do it all. I clean, I cook, I run the errands, I bathe the kids, I buy the clothing, I scold, I kiss the owies and I fold the clothing. While this is not intent to be disrepectful to my husband, who does help in his own way, it's not checking off my 'to do list' boxes. So while the clothes are drying and the dishwasher is going.. I lay on the floor and play with my two youngest while my oldest is at school. I sing, I dance, I rattle toys.. I play 'ready set go" down the hallway.. but when those timers go off.. I'm at the next task. I feel if the the daily chore list isn't complete then it looks bad on me. That if I let one thing slide.. it effects another and I won't be able to bounce back.  That is a false reality. I try so hard to fill my kids love tanks. I try so hard to give each child individual attention. I struggle with this so much.. so much. I find that I give into idle time (facebook) instead of what could be given to them and it is promised to be fixed but habits are hard to break.
I have a special needs child. I have a child who requires A LOT of attention. I have a child who has therapy - speech and OT twice a week, he has ABA .. a therapist that comes to our house EVERY DAY to work with him over temperment and life skills and he has school for three hours a day. In THOSE three hours I have to get grocery shopping done, errands ran, appointments made.. and anything that needs to be done outside the home. Plus everything from the previous paragraph. To be fair we don't run errands everyday. Then once he gets home we eat lunch.. fight to do nap time.. and then off to our next therapy session. To come home and be thrown into night schedule. That leaves very little time for the two youngest.  Let me say again that I use my 'idle' time very unwisely and I'm working on that.
This chapter talks about all the ways you can feel like a failure. It talks about ways that you forget about yourself, that you forget about your husband.. that you forget about sex.. that you forget about anything outside of the humans you have created. That we are wound so tight on schedules and formalities that we simply don't enjoy our kids. She talks about how crazy she went when her husband said he was tired when their first son was 6 weeks old. AND how we are so tired of doing something wrong, or that the baby is up to par, or that something may be wrong with her children. She goes on to talk about post-partum and how dark it got for her.
She also touches on comparison. LET ME TELL YOU.. that's a slippery slope. I have this one girl that I insta stalk. She is bad for me. She is the picture of perfection.. in her posts. I don't know her very well outside of instagram, being honest, but her post paint a life of perfection. This girl has gardens, cuts up food in animal shapes, has organic foods.. she is the perfect wife. Her kids never get out of hand, the PTA Mom of the year.. and she has multiple kiddo's. Again.. what she posts are pictures of perfection not mishaps, not piles of laundry. No no no.. her house is a picture our a magazine. Every room she shares is perfection! Not a pillow out of place. Her kids rooms are decorated flawlessly. I can go on and on and on.. but she has become my 'mirror mom'. The Mom that I put myself up against to replicate. The Mom that I think I want to be so badly but wont be. It's dangerous. It's dangerous because one cheery post about her door design for her kids home room was jaw dropping and defeating. My husband told me  a couple of weeks ago.. yea but she has help.. She has her parents, her siblings, and she doesn't have a special needs child. Her life isn't yours. So two points on THAT sentence. 1. I do NOT ever see my son as a hinderance or a burden. I do NOT complain or gripe about anything to do with his therapies. I do NOT think of him as our exception to the rule or that feel sorry for me card. Do NOT pitty his life.. he is brilliant and he is funny and he is my whole world. So please don't read that and think that we are using it as a extra card.. we treat him like our other children who has special requirements to help us manage our world with him. 2. I do NOT feel sorry for myself. Not having my family close to help is a blessing not a hiccup. It's just a eyeball comparison of our lives. It's a point to say that we shouldn't compare ourselves to anyone. Do the best you can do and move forward. That's it. It's that simple. Stay away from comparisons and do you. That is beautiful. The last point from chapter 8 is this.. "The God who made the moon and the stars and with mountains and oceans, the Creator who did all of those things, believed that you and your baby were meant to be a pair. That doesn't mean you are going to be a perfect fit. That doesn't mean you wont make mistakes. It does mean that you need not fear failure because you can't fail a job you were created to do." PG 87.

I hope you read this book, I hope my posts are helping someone out there. I hope that this isn't annoying.. haha. I hope that one day I'll look back and see the effort I'm putting in myself to become who I want to be. Someone my kids will want to be. My biggest defeat will be to have my kids feel about me the way I feel about MY parents. I want to do everything in my power to make them NOT feel the way I did as a child and now as an adult.

Friday, September 21, 2018

the past

It's so easy to carry our past into our present. It's so easy to float back to that day 10 years ago that still makes you cringe. It's hard to not think about a choice you made and wonder how it ultimately altered your path. It is. I often wonder how different my life had been if I had taken that job in CA when I was 20 instead of moving to Oklahoma. I often wonder if I had had the guts to say no at the alter of my first marriage - like I wanted - how it would have changed who I am now. While I believe all the paths we take create the person we are today.. it's hard not to sit and wonder what if!
I urge you to not do that. It can't be healthy. I think we lose the mindset that we are given a new day to be the person we want at every sunrise. I often forget that the day ends when the sun goes down. You can't go back and re-do. You can't unhave that fight, you can't unrun that red light, you can't go to that friends party instead of staying home in jammies. All you can do is remember the outcomes of those situations moving forward and alter them.
Everyday I go to bed and pray that God helps me be a better Mom tomorrow. Everyday I pray that God gives me a little more insight into understanding Autism so I can help my son. Everyday I pray that play with the kids a little more instead of stressing about house chores. Everyday I write my to do list and scold myself for it not being completed. Everyday I wonder if Little Miss is getting the same attention her brothers did and worry she's not hitting milestones due to my negligence.
We are already so fragile, depleated, overwhelmed, anxious for the next trip or day off. There is no reason to throw that extra beat yourself session up everyday.  There just isn't.
My goal as a parent is to be a better parent then I had. Everyday I strive to be the perfect wife, have all my chores done, stress over a home cooked meal, and try so hard to not ask for help. I was taught asking help would be admitted I can't handle my work load and that equals failure. Girl, I know I'm not alone on this either. That is crazy. Absolutely crazy. We are not perfect! We are beautifully flawed and some of the best life moments are the unplanned ones. Asking for help isn't weakness it's a strength. It's a strength in knowing you are aware of your boundaries and that you are willing to get the task done by asking for assistance. Hell, it may even help you learn something more efficiently by asking for help or it could create a new dynamic into your marriage by asking for help cooking dinner. As a military spouse I am so used to doing things on my own. When my husband gets home I am so robotically trained that I forget to include him.  It wasn't until he told me how left out he felt because I never asked for help. I was like.. say what? You mean you could have doing bath time while I clean the kitchen???? Dude... you can take that task away pronto! my husband refuses to load a dishwasher.. will do any other chore in the whole house but will not load a dishwasher.. lmao
So the take away is that our past is our past, we can't change it but only learn from it. We have control over our current and future choices though. That load of clothes can tumble 15 min more while you get some extra play time in. And understanding nobody on this earth is perfect and that we are all flawed .. is beautiful knowledge. So ask your spouse for help, take that extra coffee break and give yourself a break. "Be patient and loving with yourself. You weren't meant to be your biggest critic, but your biggest fan!" by 'Emily Kinney'.

Thursday, September 20, 2018

desperately tribe-less

Let me say that I have two friends that I feel are my ride and dies. I would do anything for either one of them, their spouses and their children.. without question or hesitation. I also feel that they have my back the same way. 
Five long years ago I thought that becoming a Mom would help me create life long friends. I was wrong. I've never felt so isolated in my life. While I love my kids and I wouldn't go back and change a thing.. I hate being so alone. I look back to my teens and recognize that I had a great tribe in high school and of course I was too young to see that. I was too young to understand that friendships need work and have a lot of give and take. I took their presence for granted and wasn't always the friend I needed to be. Although I am friends with two of them, and a facebook stalker friend with another, our relationships have drastically changed.
In my 20's I knew this girl, who probably will read this and that's ok, who I desperately wanted to be best friends with. Our relationship is what I used to call, seasonal, we were only friends during the Spring/Summer and we were distant during the Fall/Christmas. I have no idea why but that's they way it worked for over 7 years. I also felt like I wasn't enough, I didn't add enough, I didn't have kids so I couldn't be the friend she needed but I tried. I'd drive out of my way to attend her church and her gym just to be near her. My life was in shambles, I was so unhappy and heart broken, and her life seemed so put together. I was envious and I wanted to be close to something I felt obtainable but that's not what happened. There were times I tried to explain my side of the fence and I wasn't heard. I am sure that I wasn't there when she needed me and I know she wasn't when I needed her. I take the share of the blame but I wish that that friendship had really been able to blossom the way I prayed and willed it to. I wish I could have been like the ladies she did become good friends with and is still friends with. I wish I could understand the problem but I was so desperate for that relationship that I held on when I shouldn't have. Maybe if we had had a 'real honest come to Jesus moment' I could have been different but again I was so desperate that it wouldn't have been heard.
Then I moved to the isolating state of CA. Where nobody is really friends with anyone and it's where the unfriendly people live. hahaha, sorta joking. Being a military wife you make friends and they move. Some friendships don't stand the distance and others weren't worth saving anyway. People here are so judgemental, military aside, it's not worth the headache. Military is a big competition of rank, that we - the spouses - don't even have. I don't care about what your husband does or his rank - I just want to get to know you. I don't tell a lot about my husbands career because it's his. I run errands and see these two women pushing strollers with their child in their carts and wonder.. "why not me?" "Why can't I have this?" "Why am I a social parana here?" I feel deep in my bones that if I moved back to the South I'd find my tribe.. but people from the south are stationed here too. So where are they???! (haha again you can hear my desperation). I have two  great military spouse friends. Both have received new orders and will be moving on soon.. and that's heart breaking.
Why is it so hard to make friends as a adult? Why can't we be honest and grown up? Why are things always a competition? I don't wanna compete with anyone.. so I don't. I just don't understand the friendship dating guidelines because obviously I'm not making the cut. Ha, I'm a good friend. I have baggage and drama like everyone else. I struggle to keep my house clean, my husband happy, myself taken care of.. I struggle. I'm open with my struggles and faults; maybe just a little too much. Oh lord I like to complain about my husband b/c I want to be a better wife and I don't understand why we argue. My parent's fought all the time and I swore that wouldn't be me.. but here we are.. ok, we don't fight all the time. I don't share my troubles to say that i want to leave my husband.. I want to understand and make it better. I guess that could be a turn off though.. I feel people like drama and like hearing the bad side of things instead of the good. I don't. I wanna hear your good, your happy, your proud moments along with the bad. I'm going to tell you like it is. I'm going to tell you that you were a bitch to your sister. I'm going to tell you that shirt isn't flattering or those painted on jeans just don't flatter you. That's me... now.
I was reading that you can be desperate in any relationship. You can throw yourself at a person to be friends/close with them and it rubs people the wrong way. That after one 'outing/date' you are smitten  and will do anything to have that relationship... ding ding ding! That's me!! I will try so hard to be your friend that I come off really creepy because I'm so lonely!! I also don't feel I have a lot to offer. I was consumed with becoming a parent & I didn't make time for anything else. I like things but I'm not passionate about them. I haven't found my path.. but I'm trying!  I am desperate for a relationship, for someone to come over for coffee in my choais. I want to talk on the phone instead of texting. I want to shower you with flowers or your favorite book for your birthday. (because birthdays are important to me) but I want that back too. Maybe one day I'll bump into someone who is meant to be apart of my tribe. Maybe someone will see that my kids & I are worth the investment and that I have great intentions. Maybe one day I'll have that pray answered and find a friend to help guide me through this crazy life.

How do you make your friendships last? What are your qualities in a friendship?