Thursday, September 20, 2018

desperately tribe-less

Let me say that I have two friends that I feel are my ride and dies. I would do anything for either one of them, their spouses and their children.. without question or hesitation. I also feel that they have my back the same way. 
Five long years ago I thought that becoming a Mom would help me create life long friends. I was wrong. I've never felt so isolated in my life. While I love my kids and I wouldn't go back and change a thing.. I hate being so alone. I look back to my teens and recognize that I had a great tribe in high school and of course I was too young to see that. I was too young to understand that friendships need work and have a lot of give and take. I took their presence for granted and wasn't always the friend I needed to be. Although I am friends with two of them, and a facebook stalker friend with another, our relationships have drastically changed.
In my 20's I knew this girl, who probably will read this and that's ok, who I desperately wanted to be best friends with. Our relationship is what I used to call, seasonal, we were only friends during the Spring/Summer and we were distant during the Fall/Christmas. I have no idea why but that's they way it worked for over 7 years. I also felt like I wasn't enough, I didn't add enough, I didn't have kids so I couldn't be the friend she needed but I tried. I'd drive out of my way to attend her church and her gym just to be near her. My life was in shambles, I was so unhappy and heart broken, and her life seemed so put together. I was envious and I wanted to be close to something I felt obtainable but that's not what happened. There were times I tried to explain my side of the fence and I wasn't heard. I am sure that I wasn't there when she needed me and I know she wasn't when I needed her. I take the share of the blame but I wish that that friendship had really been able to blossom the way I prayed and willed it to. I wish I could have been like the ladies she did become good friends with and is still friends with. I wish I could understand the problem but I was so desperate for that relationship that I held on when I shouldn't have. Maybe if we had had a 'real honest come to Jesus moment' I could have been different but again I was so desperate that it wouldn't have been heard.
Then I moved to the isolating state of CA. Where nobody is really friends with anyone and it's where the unfriendly people live. hahaha, sorta joking. Being a military wife you make friends and they move. Some friendships don't stand the distance and others weren't worth saving anyway. People here are so judgemental, military aside, it's not worth the headache. Military is a big competition of rank, that we - the spouses - don't even have. I don't care about what your husband does or his rank - I just want to get to know you. I don't tell a lot about my husbands career because it's his. I run errands and see these two women pushing strollers with their child in their carts and wonder.. "why not me?" "Why can't I have this?" "Why am I a social parana here?" I feel deep in my bones that if I moved back to the South I'd find my tribe.. but people from the south are stationed here too. So where are they???! (haha again you can hear my desperation). I have two  great military spouse friends. Both have received new orders and will be moving on soon.. and that's heart breaking.
Why is it so hard to make friends as a adult? Why can't we be honest and grown up? Why are things always a competition? I don't wanna compete with anyone.. so I don't. I just don't understand the friendship dating guidelines because obviously I'm not making the cut. Ha, I'm a good friend. I have baggage and drama like everyone else. I struggle to keep my house clean, my husband happy, myself taken care of.. I struggle. I'm open with my struggles and faults; maybe just a little too much. Oh lord I like to complain about my husband b/c I want to be a better wife and I don't understand why we argue. My parent's fought all the time and I swore that wouldn't be me.. but here we are.. ok, we don't fight all the time. I don't share my troubles to say that i want to leave my husband.. I want to understand and make it better. I guess that could be a turn off though.. I feel people like drama and like hearing the bad side of things instead of the good. I don't. I wanna hear your good, your happy, your proud moments along with the bad. I'm going to tell you like it is. I'm going to tell you that you were a bitch to your sister. I'm going to tell you that shirt isn't flattering or those painted on jeans just don't flatter you. That's me... now.
I was reading that you can be desperate in any relationship. You can throw yourself at a person to be friends/close with them and it rubs people the wrong way. That after one 'outing/date' you are smitten  and will do anything to have that relationship... ding ding ding! That's me!! I will try so hard to be your friend that I come off really creepy because I'm so lonely!! I also don't feel I have a lot to offer. I was consumed with becoming a parent & I didn't make time for anything else. I like things but I'm not passionate about them. I haven't found my path.. but I'm trying!  I am desperate for a relationship, for someone to come over for coffee in my choais. I want to talk on the phone instead of texting. I want to shower you with flowers or your favorite book for your birthday. (because birthdays are important to me) but I want that back too. Maybe one day I'll bump into someone who is meant to be apart of my tribe. Maybe someone will see that my kids & I are worth the investment and that I have great intentions. Maybe one day I'll have that pray answered and find a friend to help guide me through this crazy life.

How do you make your friendships last? What are your qualities in a friendship?

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Wants vs Needs - Chapter 2&3

It's been about a week since a amazon truck has stopped at our house. I wonder if they worry when they don't visit our house? I mean we order, ahem I, order on a bi/daily basis. Before that we were in Texas for two weeks.. I'm surprised I haven't had anyone knock on my door to make sure we are ok.
Joking aside - around Christmas I wrote that I wanted to go a year without Amazon and obviously I failed. I wanna blame Little Miss for all her baby needs but honestly.. I'm weak. I mean getting three kids out of the house just to get a pacifier vs having it delivered to my door... well you can understand why i'm addicted to the little online cart.
We have worked SO hard to pay off all our 'extra' bills. We have done SO good! We went on vacation and basically paid for our whole trip from credit card points we had earned.. honestly. We went from six credit cards and two car payments to just having two credit cards! We have sacraficed a lot to make that happen.  Those will be paid off before Christmas. Aside from bragging rights.. I want to say that I had to really sit and prioritize my Needs from my Wants. Yes having some T-Shirt dress delivered to my door vs dragging three kids to go clothe shopping (which always ends up with them outfits and nothing for myself) is a regular thing I do... but it's not a NEED. I had to really buckle down and prioritize. What happened is that I also came to realize that my house is so full from impulse buys that I've actually wasted money. Yea it taste bad typing it.. I wasted money. I might well have thrown $600 in the street and burned it. What do I have to show? A 3rd generation Cameo that has been used ONCE.. but I just had to have it! I also splurged on a Bissell crosswave.. that literally just sits in a corner in my kitchen. (It's really hard to clean out EVERY TIME you use it with little kids... so I just grab the vaccum or the mop and move on).
My living room has two half shelves that are filled with kids toys. I have buckets of toys, books, stuffed animals.. not to mention little villages. It's not a brag, it's a explaination. Before Little Man was diagnosed with autism I bought anything he showed emotion or interest too! I was so desperate to find that toy.. that magical toy he'd play with. He just wasn't interested in anything.. so instead of selling it - I kept it. Then we found out we were having Little Man and now Little Miss and we haven't added a toy into this house in two years. Seriously. No lie. We have parties for the kids and ask people to NOT bring the kids anything because they have everything. We are also going to skip Christmas again for the same reason (plus the kids are small they will never know). From hand rattles to outdoor toys.. there is not a shortage. If you ask about a toy.. we probally have it.  Again not a brag. It's disgusting. Little Miss is about to be six months so now we, ahem I,  can really start purge through the toys and down down down size the mess. Little Man wants books.. he's all about books, Little Dude is all about trucks.. and Little Miss is well.. all about her feet.
Don't be fooled here..I do a lot of bargin shopping. I go to re-sale shops, I love garage sales and the marketplace app on Facebook is my newest love. After visiting so many houses on our trip I have realized that my husband is right and I have a problem. I've always wanted to be a minimalist. Like if you are and I visit your house... I envy you. I want five items on my counter.. just 5. SO referencing my new book 'Girl, Wash your face' by "Rachel Hollis" she says that we buy stuff to 'fit in for people we may or not even like simply to fit in' and I can see that. Another point is to follow your own rules or others wont follow your rules.. and that fits this portion of my life too. I'm sure if we scratch deep it's about my childhood somehow, most things are.. but I've got to put a stop to this. Just like in Chapter 2 when she decided that her Diet Coke had to go and she did it.. I must declutter and stop impulsing purchasing. My husband is all about saving money.. so this would help me get what I want and him get what he wants.
I also like that the book adds on that if we can't complete or own tasks and desires for ourselves - it's hard for others to do that too. So by not completing my to do list - its my fault. It also teaches myself that the things I say are important, ie: de-cluttering but then purchasing more stuff, my brain knows I'm lying. So with that lie creates the unwillingness to complete this task.
So my solution is .. I'm having a garage sale. I'm going to really go through cabinets and every nook and remove the clutter. I've already started donating but now it's time for the HUGE push. I set a date, I've been putting things aside (which is actually creating more clutter) and bought garage sale stickers so that I can label as I go. What doesn't get sold will be donated THAT weekend.
This is my omission to my need vs wants. This is my inner cry for de-clutter and organization I so desperatly want.  I also NEED to stop this urge for impulsing purchasing. It creates a huge issue in more then one compartment in my life.


Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Amy's journey of change.. chapter 1

A good friend of mine recently downloaded the audible book "Girl, Wash your face" by 'Rachel Hollis' and called to tell me that I had to read this book. Crazy enough - a month later I bought the book and I'm through the entry and the first four chapters.

I struggle with keeping it all together. I am having a hard time balancing cleaning the house, taking care of kids and staying on top of everything else. I never get a break.. and at times that causes chaois in the home.  The husband can relax and just lounge around all weekend. HE can play with the kids at his leisure and 80% of the time he takes the easy tasks. Don't get me wrong feeding and changing the baby is very helpful but I'd rather he change out the dishwasher and the washer/dryer while I feed the baby. While he is making our kids scream in delight and giggle.. I'm making dinner and missing out on the fun and y'all that makes me a little bitter. Please don't take this as an intro to "count the ways I hate my husband" because that is far from what I'm saying.  In addition to never feeling like I get a break.. I have a tendency to compare myself and make myself feel lesser then. Like "how can Susie's house look so perfect all the time? She has three kids.. I have three kids.. my house looks nothing like Susie's. What is is she doing that I am not?"  This very question passes through my head more then 100x a day and makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. 
In Chapter 1; pg 4 of this book she says "I want you to understand, my sweet, precious friend, that we are all falling short.""We live in a all or nothing society that says I need to look, act, think and speak perfectly or just throw in the towel and stop trying all together."  here is the part that made me literally break down... "some of you feel so overwhelmed by your life that you've given up. You're a piece of jetsam being tugged along with the tide. It feels too hard to keep up with the game, so you've quit playing. Oh, sure you're still here.  You still show up for work, you still make dinner and take care of your kids but you're always playing catch-up. You always feel behind and overwhelmed." <-- nail on the head this is exactly how I feel.  Pg 5 goes on to say that "this is your life. You are meant to be the hero of your own story." "When I say I'm unhappy, I mean discontented, unsettled, frustrated, angry - any number of emotions that make us want to hide from our lives instead of embracing them with arms wide open like a Creed song." 
I wanted to jump up & down with a big neon flashing sign and say "YESSS! This is exactly how I feel right now!" This! I wrote my friend and started saying exactly what I just typed above.. because I have never heard anyone else say this. It was so liberating to know someone else feels this way. Let't be honest - all social media is snipets of things that have made us happy that we want to share. People don't get on social media share a picture of their kitchen with dishes stacked up, piles of crap on the counters and laundry on the floor  and say.. "I just can't today folks.. I'm just gonna play with my kids in the backyard".. because we'd get ridiculed right and left.. be called everything from lazy to bad parents.. because we are so quick to judge what we don't know. You don't know what I go through  but you do know I have three small kids. You know I love them more then anything and fought to have them but you don't know that I struggle daily. I struggle with making daily 'to do lists' that never get completed, I struggle with feeling alone and isolated. I struggle with not having a tribe to ask for help and I struggle for the mom shaming that comes with asking for help. I mean heaven forbid I ask someone to watch my kids so I can get a break or just take ONE to the Dr without taking all 3. As one person told me.. I chose to have three kids so I should take the responsibility and take care of them and not expect other people to step in and help. Umm so that told me 2 things.. she wasn't someone I wanted in my inner circle and she was wrong. She is wrong in the fact that I don't expect help but it would be nice when I do ask. I don't expect  you to clear your schedule to help me but I don't appreciate you sending me the link to 'care.com' either.
At the end of the chapter it says: (PG 8) "You become who you surround yourself with. You become what you consume. If you find yourself in a slump or feel as though you're living in a negative space, take a good hard look at who and what you see every day."... ton of bricks.. there is just one problem.. I'm surrounded by my messy house and my kids. The kids bring me joy and my house gives me heart palpatations (slightly joking). My husband doesn't help me the way that I need but he does help me. My brother & SIL aren't expected to help but it's nice when they do. So it has to be the 'what' portion of this passage more then the 'who'. So I decided to limit my interactions on facebook and instagram.. maybe that will help the comparisons of others. Also on a passive aggressive note.. it's not like anyone talks to me anyway. Three or Four people tag me, comment or simply reach out to me anyway. It's not like me staying off facebook would change any interactions.. so again.. I feel very alone. I also think that I need a new facebook circle all together because I shouldn't feel this alone with 124 'friends'. I thought having kids would make me become more included but actually it's make me more isolated. Crazy.

I love my kids, I love my husband but things get overwhelming at moments. It would be nice to have a tribe to go to for strength and support. It would be nice to be able to get help when I need it and not feel so strapped. She is right in the fact that this is my life and I need to be my own hero in my own story. 

I hope you join me in reading this book, i hope this helps others jump in a share their feelings... and just maybe it will create a cool little tribe for us to go through this together.. i dunno... maybe.

Chapter 2&3 tomorrow.

Friday, September 7, 2018

We Survived our Road Trip

We survived our road trip!! We went from San Diego to Victoria, Texas and then down to Houston, Texas and back to San Diego. By car with 3 kids 3 and under and the kids did so great! They loved the hotel stays, which were plentiful, and they loved the attention from family. We had such a great time & I wish we could have stayed a little longer in the Lone Star State. Don't get me wrong, we had some bumps and bruises - even a urgent care visit for Little Dude - but overall the trip was great. I also discovered that the overall way Texans vs Californian's hold themselves is SO different. Meaning.. Texans are WAY more conservative in all manners then what we have been immersed in for 8 years. I think my eyes and heart really needed to see and digest this. I'm sure it will be a while before we take that trip again but it wasn't nearly as stressful as I thought it was going to be.



Now we are back home, back to the messy house, the crazy schedules and have fallen into the same routines in less then a week. Problem is .. we didn't have a great routine to begin with & my house stresses me out. A good friend came over yesterday and I was saying how I barely felt like I was surviving, like my head was barely above water, and my chore list just keeps growing. How my cluttered counters and my unchecked chore list are making me feel inadequate. She told me this.. "you are doing great! You have three kids who are happy & and fun to be around. You have a full house but who cares what your counters look like. If people are coming to see all the things that you don't do instead of all the amazing stuff that you actually do - they shouldn't be coming over in the first place!" I needed to hear that. I get so stressed out that I don't complete a daily chore list, and yes I make one for myself everyday, because of one reason or another. I'm going to keep working on that because I need to give myself a break but I need to hold myself accountable at the same time .. that's the hard line.


I think it's easy to fall into a routine with your spouse & forget to tell each other how great they are doing or how important they are. I lean more on being annoyed 24/7 because I feel I do more then he does and it leaves me jaded. I also don't hold into account that the works away from the house & he goes to college classes 2x a week. I really need to work on NOT being so hard on him b/c when the chips are down he's got my back.  I also don't think about the way I look much, until I see myself in a picture. I hate the way I look in a picture! "OMG is that really me?!" If I just stayed away from cameras I'd have the best self esteem - lol. Truth is.. I need to get back to the gym to simply take care of myself. It isn't to drop 30 pounds, which would be amazing, but to take care of me. To have that little carved out me time, to do something that benefits my whole family. If I get sick or hurt .. it's gonna hurt them all not just me.. and I want to set that example to my kids.

That's all I got this am folks. I gotta start getting these smaller kids up and start our day. I have been looking up a trip to 'schlitterbahn' in San Antonio, Texas as our next family trip but that may be a couple of years down the road. I think Little Miss needs to be almost 5 before we take that trip.. so we have a while. Hope y'all have a great weekend!

Monday, July 30, 2018

Weekend.


Friday I went to my primary Dr., PCM, and had a long sit down with him. I was so on edge because usually when I go it he is just eager to user me out of the office. This visit was no different. I went to the ER in Mid July and they decided that I needed my gallbladder removed b/c I have gallstones. So I decided to make a wellness visit. So the dude literally walks in the room holding my file and chatting about my ER visit. OK but that's not why I was there. So I tried to change the topic to my back like a thousand times but the dude wasn't interested in really listening to me. Everything I brought up came back to being a Mom of 3. He said that since I had all three kids so quickly that my body never had time to really heal itself. My core muscles of my stomach are so weak that they are now putting strain on my back. I can totally understand what he is saying there. So his recommendation was to join a gym .. do some yoga.. and go to physical therapy. I laughed.. snorted laughed.. like I have time for physical therapy!! BUT he said if I don't follow through with physical therapy then he wouldn't go any further into the back pain.  It wasn't a total loss and he wasn't really wrong.. but I thought he'd do more to help me out. He suggested I get back into the gym, take some time for myself - which I don't do b/c we are so busy - and make myself a priority for the kids sake.
The husband also wants to join the KETO ban wagon and I'd really like to do the PALEO diet again.. man those numbers on that scale were scary. I try to tell myself that they are just numbers.... but those were some large three digit numbers. I talked it over with the husband and I am just going to have to make time for  myself. The Y is open until 9 and I could go around 7pm and get a good two hour workout done. I need to find a good yoga class and with the help of the physical therapy ... hopefully I can start to feel some relief. 
Moving on here....
Our friends moved away to WA and we usually spend our weekends with them. So this weekend we tried something a little different. My brother & SIL took Little Dude on the San Diego "Jeep Run" and we made some fun for Little Man and Little Miss. We ran to the commissary for some fruits and veggies for the week. After that we were going to meet up with a friend at a local splash pad, but it was HOT. So I remembered a friend took me this awesome YMCA pool when Little Man was a baby, so I looked it up and we went. We took Little Miss with us and she even got in the water! I didn't even take my phone out of my bag - so no pictures but it was awesome! We were then planning on going to a frozen yogurt spot after that but my brother called to say there were heading home early and so did we. This single trip to the this water playland made me want to re-up my membership! It was so much fun & little man had SUCH a great time that I really want to do this again!

On Sunday we did some house chores and I got so much stuff done!! After nap time a friend met up with us and we went to get frozen yogurt and then to Kohl's for some school clothes for little man. The trip to the yogurt place with all 3 kiddo's was insane! I felt this crazy amount of pressure for my kids to be all proper and quiet.. which is crazy in itself..  but the kids had a blast. Isn't that what it's about?? I hate getting all worked up and missing the fun and then looking back  at the situation and seeing I was being crazy. We got some good photo's tho! Little Man, Little Dude and Little Miss.. all having a great moment at the frozen yogurt place.


Hope everyone is having a great Monday & had a great weekend!  I'm going to try and figure out how to create a 'vlog' and see if I can get that up this week. I gotta go start lunches for these cuties! Let me know you stopped by so I can say "HI" back!





Tuesday, July 24, 2018

July update

Hey ya'll!
This week, counting this past weekend, has been good and hard.
A very good couple friend of ours moved away this past weekend. They got orders to a new state and it was hella sad to see them go. We have been friends for over 7 years and they are also the god parents to our kiddo's.. to to wave them off was so hard. Not to mention that we have spent the past 5 weekends together and then they were gone... While I am excited for their new adventures and their new place is awesome.. I'm just sad they aren't a drive away anymore.
So to busy myself I cleaned my house this weekend. I worked on the kitchen decor and majority of my amazon purchases arrived on Saturday. We got some pool time in with the kiddo's and even little miss got to join the fun. I was happy to get some much needed organization done in the house and even happier that the organization has stuck! I'm not where near done but it's so nice to see some progress. During the prime day I snagged some new kitchen accessories in teal.. so I changed out the utensil holder, a new drying mat, a teal set of Pioneer Women knifes, and a teal bottle cap opener. I also ordered a new coffee container.. in teal.. and some dish clothes.
I also upgraded my iphone7 to the iphoneX - so that's been fun. I LOVE the portrait option on the camera.. my pictures of the kiddo's are boss! I also recently got a new laptop and settled for the chrome book - which has taken a lot of getting used too. I have to say that the laptop was probably a huge miss because I miss the functions of my toshiba SO much.  I actually have already looked at other laptops because I have a kind of a picture addiction and this isn't going to come close to holding my pics. BUT the husband purchased a i-cloud picture backup thing and that's working.
We have a 2 weeks until school starts and a month until we are in Texas! My 31 totes for our trip haven't arrived yet but I'm super excited about them. I think little man is ready for school and I have everything but his diapers purchased and labeled. Little Dude isn't going to know what to do with big brother at school everyday for three hours! So now I'm trying to find some fun things for us to do while brother is at school with little dude and little miss. Then right as we get our schedule down we'll head to Texas for almost three weeks. Them emerge ourselves back into a routine.
Life is never dull around here that's for sure... somewhere between school starting and our vacation I have to have my gallbladder removed.. so we are always doing something. I'm looking forward to our last couple of weeks of summer.
When does school start back for you?? What summer trip did you take this summer? What prime day specials did you find?

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Dr's & more Dr's

When I gave birth to little dude, via c-section, I started complaining my tailbone hurt. They contributed it to laying in the same spot for a couple of days. I was miserable and the answer was more meds. Time went on and my tailbone hurt more and more. Depending on your military insurance you can chose to have regular Dr's or Dr's on base. I have chosen Dr's on base and my Primary Dr just sucks. While I called everyday for a three week span for a canceled apt - I ended up finding out I was pregnant with Little Miss and nobody would look at my tailbone. So my pregnancy was murder on my back, several ER visits, more attempts to see my primary and fast forward to my 3 month postpartum mark and I'm still hurting. To manage my back pain I've been going to a chiropractor twice a week. They have deemed that I have a lower back issue and while I do get little relief, the visits are not enough. The chiropractor has told me that my left leg is shorter then my right, and that's crazy, but it was now time to seek out medical help outside of their office.
I have an appointment next week finally. While the basis of my visit is my tailbone, I have some other concerns to talk about too. I think my Primary see's me a silly housewife seeking for attention but I gotta a lot of different things going on man. Truth is it's so hard to get in to see him that I stack up a couple of concerns for when I actually can get in.
Last week my lower right abdominal area starting hurting, like close to my hip bone. I leaned over the washing machine and saw literal stars and was escorted to the ER. The ER couldn't find the source of the pain but did find that I have a fibroid mass in my uterus (thanks Depo shot) and that I have gallstones. Now I have to have my gallbladder removed and my pre-op appointment is Aug 16th. My back still hasn't been discussed.   My abdominal area is still hurting and their solution was Tylenol and ibuprofen... insert eye roll.
So with my gallbladder, a mysterious pain that's not my appendix, my tailbone... I have this pain on my left thumb that makes it hard to use my hand by the end of the day. It swells up, I can't wear my i-watch or my rings 50% of the time due to the swelling but I'm sure they'll say it's a form of carpal tunnel. 
To add to my growing list of concerns here, and feeling like I'm bordering sounding like a hypochondriac, I need to address my depression symptoms. I am not sure what the outcome out of that - aside from weekly therapy AGAIN. Which is annoying b/c they just wanna blame things on my husband or my Mom. Both contribute greatly but that can't be the underlying cause here. I also believe that everybody faces forms of depression and if everyone ran to a shrink.. well it would be insane. I'm sure that my anxiety is a form of depression or a sister form of it but dude I'm busy. I don't have time to go sit in a shrinks office for 45 min a day once a week. BUT my symptoms are getting pretty bad. The loss of desire to do anything, the fact that I keep admitting little to nothing keeps/makes me happy. The constant need to purchase something to feel the void for it to not be filled. I've also been aware that since little miss has been born I literally can't stand the sight of my husband some times. Like it's B-A-D... Insert another eye roll.
Getting older is hard but I've always believed it's mind over matter. I've always been pretty optimistic when it came to my health. Outside of infertility treatments and diabetes while pregnant, I've been pretty healthy. Going to Dr's and asking for help is hard. Doing all of this with tiny kids is harder but for them I gotta just do it..  ya know?
So there ya go.. I'm 36 and my body and mind are failing me.. just kidding. I think I should focus on the depression symptoms and the tailbone pain. I'm pretty sure I broke my tailbone ... again... and my goodness it hurts. That's what's going on with me... but of course that's just me.. I'll have to post and update on the kiddo's b/c Little Man has some great news!!

What are things you've put off going to the Dr for? Have you ever broken your tailbone? Have you had your gallbladder removed??





Sunday, July 8, 2018

treading life

My oldest baby turns 3 in just a couple of day. 3! On the same day my youngest turns 3 months old.
Crazy. I love being a Mom but I'm insanely tired. My house is NEVER clean .. ever. I feel like I do the same five things on a single loop the whole entire day. Did I mention I'm exhausted? I do manage to keep up with laundry and grocery shopping but that's about the extent of that. I do have a weekly schedule that I try really hard to stay on top of but I don't have a lot of room for extra's and when I do have the extra time is - I just wanna do nothing. I should be putting up laundry right now and cleaning our Master bedroom but here I sit.
I'm complained lately that I've lost my identity. I've wanted kids for so long and now that dream has come true.. it's kind of like now what? The husband & I have had a lot of talks about the next step but it comes with a lot of trepidation. I'd like to get my hair license and go back to work when Little Miss goes to school but I'm so worried about not being present. I know that Little Man is going to need a lot of extra special TLC and I want to be right there. I also know that we have apx 6 yrs left in the Navy life and we become 'retired' and move to that next chapter... but that feels like a whole book away. What I'm trying to figure out is what to do with these chapters I need to write now. Since my husband isn't moving forward like I am, I feel lost. For some reason I don't see just being a Mom a chapter but as a definition of who I have become.
I feel like I struggle a lot on what I think I should be doing and lose sight of the moments. I've also realized that very little leaves me content. The moment passes and I just remember all the negative and struggle to find the positive. That's hard when I know that I love my life. I just feel that I don't know how to be happy.. that's a hard realization. I'm tired of struggling, I'm tired of being tired and I just want my home to be peaceful and happy. I struggle with comparing everyone else to my current life... ie: her house is so clean, her kids are so well behaved.. why can't i? why don't i? Filling my life with a lot of plausability for error and failure when I know I'm doing the best i can. People have 3 kids and keep it together so what is wrong with me?
Everyone struggles and this shall pass. I'll pull up my boot straps and plow through. I'll look back at these moments and laugh at how naive and how silly I'm being. BUT at the moment this is real and it's a mind over matter game i feel I'm losing.
So please send me words of encouragement, send me ideas. Tell me I'm not alone. I wish more then anything else in this world that I had a group of friends who I can turn to and lean on right now. It just seems everyone is going through something and my stuff seems insignificant.

Inhale... exhale... 

Monday, May 28, 2018

house purging.

The husband & I have spent the past month purging the house.
I've always wanted to be a minimalist and I am faaaaaaaaaaaaaar from being one.
I woke up one day and decided that we needed to throw almost our whole house away. We've never really purged in the 7 years that we have lived here and have gone through multiple roomates - so it was time. We have done the first layer and now it's time to dig really deep and purge the 2nd layer. Ya know the tedious stuff like the medicine cabinets, the junk drawers, and the bathrooms cabinets.
I'm really questioning the counter stuff at the moment because the remodel of our kitchen is my next focus .. and for those with little kiddos you know that the counter is never cleared off.



I painted the hallway during my pregnancy with Little Miss and never finished painting into the living room. I removed all the beach decor from the house but I haven't figured out what direction I'll be doing next. I have found that I'm really in love with throw pillows but my, soon to be, 3 year old thinks they belong on the floor. (lol)
The plan for the kitchen is a pretty extensive makeover. We are going to build a pantry and add a lower level of cabinets. I want to paint the kitchen this white color called Swiss Coffee, which will be happening in the next couple of weekends. I'm trying to convince the husband to change the counter tops to this sparkling white quartz when we add the lower cabinets. I also want to make this country mirror display that I found on pinterest for our kitchen <above>. I'm also wanting to change the sink to a country sink and personally add a back splash.. like i said I have a pretty extensive list for the kitchen.
I'm a picture whore y'all. I love pictures and love canvas prints. It's almost an addiction. I've just got the problem of being selective with my kids pictures and I can't choose so I get them all.. no seriously. lol. I mean how do you choose? but I gotta. I'm easy to shop for though.. just get me a white picture frame - or a picture album - and I'm super excited.
The plan is go room by room and just revamp the rooms. The kid rooms wont change but our master needs a whole new everything. I'll also be creating Little Man his own big boy room/ABA room/play room after we get back from Texas. The husband wants the toys out of the living room but he'll have to agree to buy new living room furniture first.
I have a lot of plans for change and hopefully we'll complete this list in the next year. It's a lot and especially with three small kiddo's.. but I'll talk more about those changes in the next post.
Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Juggling.

Everyone is currently asleep and I needed a few moments to check in with you all. As it happens, tomorrow's topic for the writing promp helps catch you all up on our currently life. So here is the question:  What are things that you enjoy the most about your work right now?

I love being a Mom. I think it's the most rewarding position I've ever had. I love watching my babies. The funny thing about being a Mom is that you never feel like you are doing enough. The coolest part is that so far Little Dude and Little girl are on the same feeding schedule. Sounds hectic but really it's been a blessing. Little Dude doesn't really take bottles anymore but his nap schedule requires some milk. Since he is still on two a day naps.. well lets just say that it's what's keeping me sane. Little Miss has decided that her most active time of the day is during dinner time; so it gets a little hectic. I've managed to plan out dinners and start them a little early so that I can manage.
BUT as life would have it as soon as it seems I've got a handle on the juggle a couple of extra balls get thrown in. Little Man is starting ABA soon for the summer. We have assessments coming up and the first week in June we have his first school IFSP. I'm excited about the ABA, applied behavior analysis, to enter our lives for the summer. The ABA is meant to help us with the fundamentals of helping Little Man learn to make it through the next school year.
I love being a Mom. I haven't figured out all the life juggles yet. I haven't figured out how to keep a spotless house while managing every 3 hour feedings, plus fixing breakfast, lunch and dinner. I haven't figured out how to put away a basket of clothes in the same day it's washed and folded. I'm sure in the next couple of weeks i'll find my rythm. I'll find that sweet spot to guide me through the summer and then crash in the chaos of the next school year.
Meanwhile we have a lot of things happening ... little man's 3rd birthday is coming up, plus 4th of July, and the husband will be gone for six weeks. Then after his return we load up and drive to Texas for a couple of weeks. His Dad passed away last year and we are spreading his ashes, along with all the siblings, like his Dad wanted. I have a lot on my plate all leading up to August and I'm stressed but excited. I've also decided to add PIYO to my daily routine as soon as I'm cleared at my 6 Post Partum checkup - which will be during morning nap time.
There is so much about this life of being a stay at home that is simply demanding but I've never felt more centered in my life. I've dreamed of these days my whole adult life and honestly it's pretty amazing. I get frantic and overwhelmed from time to time but at the end of the day I love being a Mom to these three little kiddo's.

What are things that YOU enjoy most about your work right now??