Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Chaos.

Girl..... this chapter hit so many levels of my current life.. it's insane!!
Chaos really wants to be my best friend and I want nothing to do with him. Everyone's chaos is different but similar. It could be your Mom, your Mother in law, your kids, your husband, the house chores, the juggling act of working and kids. "Every single one of us is living in chaos, we handle it in one of three way:"  1. We ignore it.  2. We battle it. 3. We drown in it". PG 116-117. YES! I both battle and drown in it. So let me summerize what she is saying because I'm the one reading the book and recaping it for you lol.
1. We ignore it by pretending the chaos isn't there. We bury our heads and just keep on going. Eventually the chaos will cause stress which will catch up with you.
2. We battle it: We tackle something different then the actual problem. You clean your kitchen because you are mad at your husband. "The problem with a battle is that we will always lose. If we plan that we can do enough or plan enough to make sure that nothing is ever difficult , we will only make ourselves feel like a failure when life is too hard." PG 117 -- THAT'S ME!! in a freakin' nut shell.
3. We drown into it: "We get overwhelmed by housework, regular work, family, and friends. The stress becomes all that we see" PG 117. This is also me if I can't talk about something that is bothering me that is more present then distance. Like stressing over my Mom will cause me to clean or organize. Things going on inside my wheel house will cause me to become overwhelmed.
We are stronger then this. 
The suggestion is to embrace the chaos.
How do we do that? We need to start by giving our self grace. We all fall short and we need to remember that tomorrow is a new day for us to try again. Take a deep breath and try to find humor in the situation. Like you send your kid to picture day in pajamas... ya know at first that would make me mad but after a beat it is kinda funny. Yesterday I lost track of time. It was 6pm and dinner was even thought of. SO I got flustered and started trying to make this tortellini pasta real fast. Problem was the kids were hungry 30 mins before & therapy was in session & I got embarrassed. Embarrassed that I lost track of time, angry that my kids were hungry and I didn't have the meal ready and angry that the other adults in the house didn't pick up my slack. I expected them too. The kids had a good meal but I was pretty upset so I made sure that dinner was ready on time today.
What is another way? To remember the Fruits of the Spirit - which are love, joy, patience, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.  What that means is we use the tools to help us through whatever situation we are in. Yesterday I needed self control & peace. Today I needed peace and joy. Also taking a moment for yourself is a good thing! So go get that pedi, go for that run, sit through that drive thru for cup of coffee.. and the hardest one of all... let people help you. Now I would personally LOVE for someone to help, that's actually my biggest complaint. We have four grown adults in this house, three kids and four dogs. Somehow I'm expected to carry the load and handle the cooking, cleaning, dog taking care of, laundry doing, kid wrangling, errand runner, and not expect a thing in return. It's hard ya'll. I have a lot of hard hard days. The more I ask for help the less I get. Now that the husband has been gone for three weeks.. I'm drained. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm through being a doormat. Then I remember the fruits of the spirit.. kindness, patience.. and joy. It doesn't always work that easily because I know I'm being taken advantage of. It's hard to rise above and feel appreciated.
Everyone has their own version of chaos. Remember that as you go through your day.. and remember to through a whole lot of patience and kindness every where you go.

"Girl, Wash your face" by Rachel Hollis - book overview.


Tuesday, October 2, 2018

goals

Good Morning!
As promised I'm continuing with the chapter overviews of "Girl, Wash your face" by Rachel Hollis and my personal imput.
Chapter 10 is about goals. 
She says that women don't look forward to birthday's after a certain age. That we'd like to just sweep them under the rug because for the majority of us it marks another year of what we didn't accomplish. I love birthday's and I love to celebrate my loved one's birthdays. True to the point though - I usually don't celebrate my own. Simply because it's usually a couple days from Thanksgiving and we are all busy organizing and prepping for Turkey day. Our birthday's should be a celebration of the life we have created and accomplished thus far.
I love that she said "God has a perfect timing." "Maybe that goal wasn't ever mean to be yours". "Maybe you are destined for something so much cooler."
For years all I wanted was to be a parent. To have a child grow within me and become a parent. It took 12 years. Not a straight 12 - finacialy and personally I had to take time off but collectively it was 12 years. While I was fighting my own body to become a parent and understand why it wasn't working I lost sight of everything else. I had no other goals. I didn't put the baby making on hold and say "I want to be a hair stylist and I'm going to accomplish that first". Nope. I just wondered aimlessly from job to job praying something would stick.
Now that I'm in my late 30's I regret that. I regret not having that push or desire to create a career for myself. I could have been a great hair stylist! I could have pursued web design and made a great career for myself in 2007. I could have stuck with the goal of being a child psychologist I wanted to be in high school.  I just had blinders on and didn't think about the bigger picture. Which now I'm a stay at home Mom juggling 3 kids and I have a husband who is rarely here due to his career. So having a full time career wouldn't be a important in this stage of my life anyway.
In a portion of the book she says "own on negative self-talk can be more damaging than the emotional abuse heaped on us by a hateful parent. It's also far more insidious because there's nobody there to stop it, since we rarely even realize it's happening." PG 105

The challenge of this chapter is to not look at our un-met goals as a form of unacomplishments but look at it as those goals weren't really meant for you. Those un-met goals lead you to pursue something else that helped you gain your path. I have a hard time with that, personally, simply because I don't think I drove the bus to my own destiny, I was dragged. I lost my job in 2008 and a whole new whirlwind chapter started. It was out of my control and I just followed along - praying for something good to happen. and ya know what? It did! Yes I got divorced in 2010, yes I slept on my brother's couch for months with no money to my name. Yes, I moved to a completely different state without a job or direction.. but ya know what? I met my husband. I was available to be courted and taken care of for the first time in my life. I had to learn to rely and trust other people for the first time. I had to hit rock bottom and regain a new inner self. My husband and I met in 2010 but we didn't get married until 2013. Our first child was born in 2015, our second in 2017 and our third in 2018. I have a beautiful home, a awesome new van, no debit aside from our mortgage.. which is a lot better then where I was 10 years ago! I am very thankful that my 'goals' took a little longer to come to pass b/c my husband is an amazing father, provider and friend. I wouldn't want this path with anyone else.

I challenge you to do her advisement at the end of the chapter. "List out everything you have accomplished to date. In fact, write yourself a letter about your tenacity!" It's pretty enlightening!

Hope you have a great day! I hope you take a moment to write out that list of your own accomplishments so you can see how awesome you are! I hope that you stop doing your own negative self-talk and realize how awesome you are! Now go take on today with a brighter spirit and be patient with yourself and your goals. They shouldn't have expiration dates!


Monday, October 1, 2018

locks

Hey ya'll
Welcome to October! Can you believe it? I'm still trying to figure out what happened to August; ha!
Well I took a couple of days off because we had a huge scare in our home and I lost my marble for a couple of days. Now that I'm a little more relaxed Tuesday I'll be jumping back into my daily chapter overviews with a personal punch of "Girl, wash your face" by Rachel Hollis. I'm sure she'd appreciate my dedication lmao. Today though I want to stupidly share what happened. Stupidly because i know it opens me up to being judged by all who read my words.
As some of you know my oldest, Little Man, is autistic. He is non-verbal and what I like to call a silent ninja. He has started to talk a lot more and he babbles all the time. I am so excited because I just know one day he's gonna wake up talking up a storm. ANYWAY.. some kids with autism are runners. They will run and not stop when you yell their name. They don't sense the danger and think it's fun to be chased. That is my son.
Last Wednesday someone didn't dead bolt the front door. I was cutting 10 single green grapes for Little Dude's dinner. I just happened to look up at the mirror over my sink, to see a vehicle stopped at my driveway. Totally out of the normal even for the six o'clock rush.. something in me froze. I literally jumped the kitchen gate and ran out the front door. Low and behold this lady was standing in the road holding my son and in tears. She said she almost hit him, he was running down the driveway and just bolted in front of her. Her poor shooken soul. I grabbed him up, hugged him, listened to her 'watch your kids please' as I walked up the driveway. The thing is... he had just been standing at that gate asking to "eat". I was explaining that I was waiting on the grapes and we'd eat. I had no idea he had opened the front door and closed it behind him. The dog siren didn't go off.. not a sound. THIS could have been SO much worse. It could have been fatal. This could have been a completely different outcome. In true mothers fashion.. i made him sleep with me that night (after just getting him back into his bed.. oy vey).  I was terrified to let him go to school, but he did, and I made sure to tell our ABA therapist about what happened.
I waited until he was fast asleep to call one of my best friends. I told her what happened in sobs. Half she asked me to keep repeating. All i kept thinking was how i let this happened, how could i not have had checked the door? WHY didn't the four dogs bark like usual?? HOW could i let my son just walk out of the house unknowingly? Why didn't I just put him in the booster seat - it was 10 grapes! I felt like the worst Mother on the planet.  We don't have a lot of strict rules in this house but one of the biggest ones is to bolt the doors and shut the gates. They are in place for a reason. 
The next day I sobbed to my other best friend in WA .. both friends interjected ideas and door solutions. At the end of the day.. the only thing you have to do is dead bolt the door. IT'S THAT SIMPLE. I don't need a fancy alarm or ten locks.. just dead bolt the door. I say that but I went out and bought a new dead bolt system from NEST. I can check to make sure the dead bolt is locked by an app on my phone, and I can lock/unlock the door from the car (super cool). We all have codes to enter into the house instead of keys. My brother bought us those chime sensors .. you add them to the crack of the door and when the door is opened it makes a insanely loud chime. I jump every. single. time. it goes off.. so it's doing it's job. We added a baby gate to the exit into the backyard - so he can't exit the garage and we added a motion spot light into the back yard. I know a day will come when he will figure out the lock. I know one day we will have to make extra extra measures but right now it's just simple. Dead bolt the door and shut the gates.
My husband is still gone. He has about another two weeks before he returns. He has no idea this happened. He has no idea I dropped three bills on a dead bolt and I'm scared to tell him what happened in person. It sucks, it's hard. I still feel like shit and he's been under my wing all weekend. I have taken him everywhere with me because I was that shook. I think I check the stupid app to the door lock like 20 million times a day too but everyone in the house has been super vigilant. I hold no blame towards anyone b/c mistakes happen but this one almost cost me my sons life.
My fear is that this will wear off with everyone in the house, myself included, because you feel safe. My fear is that someone doesn't lock that door again and we don't catch it. My fear is that I'll end up in jail over a unlocked dead bolt.
I'm basically a single Mom with three kids. I hold the ground to my house. If you can't follow the simple steps that I have put into place to keep my kids safe.. then you aren't welcome here. Unfortunately, I can't afford to be gracious about it now. People it scared me. It rattled my bones. SO while I send a prayer of thankfulness to the man upstairs, I'm also sending prayer of vigilance to my housemates.
Like I said our weekend got better, we collectively took steps to make sure this doesn't happen again. We all were very vigilant in making sure alarms and doors were set. I'm praying nothing like this ever happens again.  If like me, you have a runner, you aren't alone. It's scary, but you become wiser by every thing that happens. You do better and you become more aware. I've said it alot lately but I was reminded all week .. we aren't perfect. We aren't meant to be and sometimes things get out of our control. The lesson is to learn from it and pray that you take all the right measures and it never happens again.
What a way to end September. Here is to believing that October will be a thousand times better!!

Monday, September 24, 2018

Parenting.

Hope you all have had a great restfull weekend! If you are catching back up with me I have been reading a book .. kinda a self help book if you will.. and it's amazing. It's about the lies we are told and believe and how it hurts us from being our best self. So feel free to go back and read my last couple of posts and join in with me.
Chapters 8 of "Girl, Wash your face" by 'Rachel Hollis'brush on parenting.
Chapter 7 is about sex. I don't want to talk about my sex life at this moment so i'm going to skip over to the parenting chapters. Chapter 8 is about the expectations of newborn bliss and all that goes wrong. I have a 3 yr old, a 17 month old, and a 5 month old. Yes, I'm busy.. ha ha ha... I get so tired of hearing that. Anyway.. you'd think that with kid #3 I'd be a pro! Wrong! I look up milestone schedules every week. I can't remember what a 5 month old is 'supposed to do'. Hell I can't remember what a 4 month old is supposed to do and we just graduated from it. People often scoff when I say that.. but hell life happens and that's not what I stored in my memory bank. I'm currently worried because she hasn't 'rolled' over yet. She hates .. loathes.. tummy time and back time. She sailed right into a jumper and loves the heck out of it. The problem is she has great neck muscles but she isn't mastering the skills she needs on her back and tummy.
The book talks about remembering that life with a infant are 2 things.. the baby and you. Not the laundry, not the cleaning.. the baby & you. So if you are happy, healthy and well rested (snort) then you are more productive and attentive. True. Your kids sense your stress and they react. True. My 'problem' is .. in my house I do it all. I clean, I cook, I run the errands, I bathe the kids, I buy the clothing, I scold, I kiss the owies and I fold the clothing. While this is not intent to be disrepectful to my husband, who does help in his own way, it's not checking off my 'to do list' boxes. So while the clothes are drying and the dishwasher is going.. I lay on the floor and play with my two youngest while my oldest is at school. I sing, I dance, I rattle toys.. I play 'ready set go" down the hallway.. but when those timers go off.. I'm at the next task. I feel if the the daily chore list isn't complete then it looks bad on me. That if I let one thing slide.. it effects another and I won't be able to bounce back.  That is a false reality. I try so hard to fill my kids love tanks. I try so hard to give each child individual attention. I struggle with this so much.. so much. I find that I give into idle time (facebook) instead of what could be given to them and it is promised to be fixed but habits are hard to break.
I have a special needs child. I have a child who requires A LOT of attention. I have a child who has therapy - speech and OT twice a week, he has ABA .. a therapist that comes to our house EVERY DAY to work with him over temperment and life skills and he has school for three hours a day. In THOSE three hours I have to get grocery shopping done, errands ran, appointments made.. and anything that needs to be done outside the home. Plus everything from the previous paragraph. To be fair we don't run errands everyday. Then once he gets home we eat lunch.. fight to do nap time.. and then off to our next therapy session. To come home and be thrown into night schedule. That leaves very little time for the two youngest.  Let me say again that I use my 'idle' time very unwisely and I'm working on that.
This chapter talks about all the ways you can feel like a failure. It talks about ways that you forget about yourself, that you forget about your husband.. that you forget about sex.. that you forget about anything outside of the humans you have created. That we are wound so tight on schedules and formalities that we simply don't enjoy our kids. She talks about how crazy she went when her husband said he was tired when their first son was 6 weeks old. AND how we are so tired of doing something wrong, or that the baby is up to par, or that something may be wrong with her children. She goes on to talk about post-partum and how dark it got for her.
She also touches on comparison. LET ME TELL YOU.. that's a slippery slope. I have this one girl that I insta stalk. She is bad for me. She is the picture of perfection.. in her posts. I don't know her very well outside of instagram, being honest, but her post paint a life of perfection. This girl has gardens, cuts up food in animal shapes, has organic foods.. she is the perfect wife. Her kids never get out of hand, the PTA Mom of the year.. and she has multiple kiddo's. Again.. what she posts are pictures of perfection not mishaps, not piles of laundry. No no no.. her house is a picture our a magazine. Every room she shares is perfection! Not a pillow out of place. Her kids rooms are decorated flawlessly. I can go on and on and on.. but she has become my 'mirror mom'. The Mom that I put myself up against to replicate. The Mom that I think I want to be so badly but wont be. It's dangerous. It's dangerous because one cheery post about her door design for her kids home room was jaw dropping and defeating. My husband told me  a couple of weeks ago.. yea but she has help.. She has her parents, her siblings, and she doesn't have a special needs child. Her life isn't yours. So two points on THAT sentence. 1. I do NOT ever see my son as a hinderance or a burden. I do NOT complain or gripe about anything to do with his therapies. I do NOT think of him as our exception to the rule or that feel sorry for me card. Do NOT pitty his life.. he is brilliant and he is funny and he is my whole world. So please don't read that and think that we are using it as a extra card.. we treat him like our other children who has special requirements to help us manage our world with him. 2. I do NOT feel sorry for myself. Not having my family close to help is a blessing not a hiccup. It's just a eyeball comparison of our lives. It's a point to say that we shouldn't compare ourselves to anyone. Do the best you can do and move forward. That's it. It's that simple. Stay away from comparisons and do you. That is beautiful. The last point from chapter 8 is this.. "The God who made the moon and the stars and with mountains and oceans, the Creator who did all of those things, believed that you and your baby were meant to be a pair. That doesn't mean you are going to be a perfect fit. That doesn't mean you wont make mistakes. It does mean that you need not fear failure because you can't fail a job you were created to do." PG 87.

I hope you read this book, I hope my posts are helping someone out there. I hope that this isn't annoying.. haha. I hope that one day I'll look back and see the effort I'm putting in myself to become who I want to be. Someone my kids will want to be. My biggest defeat will be to have my kids feel about me the way I feel about MY parents. I want to do everything in my power to make them NOT feel the way I did as a child and now as an adult.

Friday, September 21, 2018

the past

It's so easy to carry our past into our present. It's so easy to float back to that day 10 years ago that still makes you cringe. It's hard to not think about a choice you made and wonder how it ultimately altered your path. It is. I often wonder how different my life had been if I had taken that job in CA when I was 20 instead of moving to Oklahoma. I often wonder if I had had the guts to say no at the alter of my first marriage - like I wanted - how it would have changed who I am now. While I believe all the paths we take create the person we are today.. it's hard not to sit and wonder what if!
I urge you to not do that. It can't be healthy. I think we lose the mindset that we are given a new day to be the person we want at every sunrise. I often forget that the day ends when the sun goes down. You can't go back and re-do. You can't unhave that fight, you can't unrun that red light, you can't go to that friends party instead of staying home in jammies. All you can do is remember the outcomes of those situations moving forward and alter them.
Everyday I go to bed and pray that God helps me be a better Mom tomorrow. Everyday I pray that God gives me a little more insight into understanding Autism so I can help my son. Everyday I pray that play with the kids a little more instead of stressing about house chores. Everyday I write my to do list and scold myself for it not being completed. Everyday I wonder if Little Miss is getting the same attention her brothers did and worry she's not hitting milestones due to my negligence.
We are already so fragile, depleated, overwhelmed, anxious for the next trip or day off. There is no reason to throw that extra beat yourself session up everyday.  There just isn't.
My goal as a parent is to be a better parent then I had. Everyday I strive to be the perfect wife, have all my chores done, stress over a home cooked meal, and try so hard to not ask for help. I was taught asking help would be admitted I can't handle my work load and that equals failure. Girl, I know I'm not alone on this either. That is crazy. Absolutely crazy. We are not perfect! We are beautifully flawed and some of the best life moments are the unplanned ones. Asking for help isn't weakness it's a strength. It's a strength in knowing you are aware of your boundaries and that you are willing to get the task done by asking for assistance. Hell, it may even help you learn something more efficiently by asking for help or it could create a new dynamic into your marriage by asking for help cooking dinner. As a military spouse I am so used to doing things on my own. When my husband gets home I am so robotically trained that I forget to include him.  It wasn't until he told me how left out he felt because I never asked for help. I was like.. say what? You mean you could have doing bath time while I clean the kitchen???? Dude... you can take that task away pronto! my husband refuses to load a dishwasher.. will do any other chore in the whole house but will not load a dishwasher.. lmao
So the take away is that our past is our past, we can't change it but only learn from it. We have control over our current and future choices though. That load of clothes can tumble 15 min more while you get some extra play time in. And understanding nobody on this earth is perfect and that we are all flawed .. is beautiful knowledge. So ask your spouse for help, take that extra coffee break and give yourself a break. "Be patient and loving with yourself. You weren't meant to be your biggest critic, but your biggest fan!" by 'Emily Kinney'.

Thursday, September 20, 2018

desperately tribe-less

Let me say that I have two friends that I feel are my ride and dies. I would do anything for either one of them, their spouses and their children.. without question or hesitation. I also feel that they have my back the same way. 
Five long years ago I thought that becoming a Mom would help me create life long friends. I was wrong. I've never felt so isolated in my life. While I love my kids and I wouldn't go back and change a thing.. I hate being so alone. I look back to my teens and recognize that I had a great tribe in high school and of course I was too young to see that. I was too young to understand that friendships need work and have a lot of give and take. I took their presence for granted and wasn't always the friend I needed to be. Although I am friends with two of them, and a facebook stalker friend with another, our relationships have drastically changed.
In my 20's I knew this girl, who probably will read this and that's ok, who I desperately wanted to be best friends with. Our relationship is what I used to call, seasonal, we were only friends during the Spring/Summer and we were distant during the Fall/Christmas. I have no idea why but that's they way it worked for over 7 years. I also felt like I wasn't enough, I didn't add enough, I didn't have kids so I couldn't be the friend she needed but I tried. I'd drive out of my way to attend her church and her gym just to be near her. My life was in shambles, I was so unhappy and heart broken, and her life seemed so put together. I was envious and I wanted to be close to something I felt obtainable but that's not what happened. There were times I tried to explain my side of the fence and I wasn't heard. I am sure that I wasn't there when she needed me and I know she wasn't when I needed her. I take the share of the blame but I wish that that friendship had really been able to blossom the way I prayed and willed it to. I wish I could have been like the ladies she did become good friends with and is still friends with. I wish I could understand the problem but I was so desperate for that relationship that I held on when I shouldn't have. Maybe if we had had a 'real honest come to Jesus moment' I could have been different but again I was so desperate that it wouldn't have been heard.
Then I moved to the isolating state of CA. Where nobody is really friends with anyone and it's where the unfriendly people live. hahaha, sorta joking. Being a military wife you make friends and they move. Some friendships don't stand the distance and others weren't worth saving anyway. People here are so judgemental, military aside, it's not worth the headache. Military is a big competition of rank, that we - the spouses - don't even have. I don't care about what your husband does or his rank - I just want to get to know you. I don't tell a lot about my husbands career because it's his. I run errands and see these two women pushing strollers with their child in their carts and wonder.. "why not me?" "Why can't I have this?" "Why am I a social parana here?" I feel deep in my bones that if I moved back to the South I'd find my tribe.. but people from the south are stationed here too. So where are they???! (haha again you can hear my desperation). I have two  great military spouse friends. Both have received new orders and will be moving on soon.. and that's heart breaking.
Why is it so hard to make friends as a adult? Why can't we be honest and grown up? Why are things always a competition? I don't wanna compete with anyone.. so I don't. I just don't understand the friendship dating guidelines because obviously I'm not making the cut. Ha, I'm a good friend. I have baggage and drama like everyone else. I struggle to keep my house clean, my husband happy, myself taken care of.. I struggle. I'm open with my struggles and faults; maybe just a little too much. Oh lord I like to complain about my husband b/c I want to be a better wife and I don't understand why we argue. My parent's fought all the time and I swore that wouldn't be me.. but here we are.. ok, we don't fight all the time. I don't share my troubles to say that i want to leave my husband.. I want to understand and make it better. I guess that could be a turn off though.. I feel people like drama and like hearing the bad side of things instead of the good. I don't. I wanna hear your good, your happy, your proud moments along with the bad. I'm going to tell you like it is. I'm going to tell you that you were a bitch to your sister. I'm going to tell you that shirt isn't flattering or those painted on jeans just don't flatter you. That's me... now.
I was reading that you can be desperate in any relationship. You can throw yourself at a person to be friends/close with them and it rubs people the wrong way. That after one 'outing/date' you are smitten  and will do anything to have that relationship... ding ding ding! That's me!! I will try so hard to be your friend that I come off really creepy because I'm so lonely!! I also don't feel I have a lot to offer. I was consumed with becoming a parent & I didn't make time for anything else. I like things but I'm not passionate about them. I haven't found my path.. but I'm trying!  I am desperate for a relationship, for someone to come over for coffee in my choais. I want to talk on the phone instead of texting. I want to shower you with flowers or your favorite book for your birthday. (because birthdays are important to me) but I want that back too. Maybe one day I'll bump into someone who is meant to be apart of my tribe. Maybe someone will see that my kids & I are worth the investment and that I have great intentions. Maybe one day I'll have that pray answered and find a friend to help guide me through this crazy life.

How do you make your friendships last? What are your qualities in a friendship?

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Wants vs Needs - Chapter 2&3

It's been about a week since a amazon truck has stopped at our house. I wonder if they worry when they don't visit our house? I mean we order, ahem I, order on a bi/daily basis. Before that we were in Texas for two weeks.. I'm surprised I haven't had anyone knock on my door to make sure we are ok.
Joking aside - around Christmas I wrote that I wanted to go a year without Amazon and obviously I failed. I wanna blame Little Miss for all her baby needs but honestly.. I'm weak. I mean getting three kids out of the house just to get a pacifier vs having it delivered to my door... well you can understand why i'm addicted to the little online cart.
We have worked SO hard to pay off all our 'extra' bills. We have done SO good! We went on vacation and basically paid for our whole trip from credit card points we had earned.. honestly. We went from six credit cards and two car payments to just having two credit cards! We have sacraficed a lot to make that happen.  Those will be paid off before Christmas. Aside from bragging rights.. I want to say that I had to really sit and prioritize my Needs from my Wants. Yes having some T-Shirt dress delivered to my door vs dragging three kids to go clothe shopping (which always ends up with them outfits and nothing for myself) is a regular thing I do... but it's not a NEED. I had to really buckle down and prioritize. What happened is that I also came to realize that my house is so full from impulse buys that I've actually wasted money. Yea it taste bad typing it.. I wasted money. I might well have thrown $600 in the street and burned it. What do I have to show? A 3rd generation Cameo that has been used ONCE.. but I just had to have it! I also splurged on a Bissell crosswave.. that literally just sits in a corner in my kitchen. (It's really hard to clean out EVERY TIME you use it with little kids... so I just grab the vaccum or the mop and move on).
My living room has two half shelves that are filled with kids toys. I have buckets of toys, books, stuffed animals.. not to mention little villages. It's not a brag, it's a explaination. Before Little Man was diagnosed with autism I bought anything he showed emotion or interest too! I was so desperate to find that toy.. that magical toy he'd play with. He just wasn't interested in anything.. so instead of selling it - I kept it. Then we found out we were having Little Man and now Little Miss and we haven't added a toy into this house in two years. Seriously. No lie. We have parties for the kids and ask people to NOT bring the kids anything because they have everything. We are also going to skip Christmas again for the same reason (plus the kids are small they will never know). From hand rattles to outdoor toys.. there is not a shortage. If you ask about a toy.. we probally have it.  Again not a brag. It's disgusting. Little Miss is about to be six months so now we, ahem I,  can really start purge through the toys and down down down size the mess. Little Man wants books.. he's all about books, Little Dude is all about trucks.. and Little Miss is well.. all about her feet.
Don't be fooled here..I do a lot of bargin shopping. I go to re-sale shops, I love garage sales and the marketplace app on Facebook is my newest love. After visiting so many houses on our trip I have realized that my husband is right and I have a problem. I've always wanted to be a minimalist. Like if you are and I visit your house... I envy you. I want five items on my counter.. just 5. SO referencing my new book 'Girl, Wash your face' by "Rachel Hollis" she says that we buy stuff to 'fit in for people we may or not even like simply to fit in' and I can see that. Another point is to follow your own rules or others wont follow your rules.. and that fits this portion of my life too. I'm sure if we scratch deep it's about my childhood somehow, most things are.. but I've got to put a stop to this. Just like in Chapter 2 when she decided that her Diet Coke had to go and she did it.. I must declutter and stop impulsing purchasing. My husband is all about saving money.. so this would help me get what I want and him get what he wants.
I also like that the book adds on that if we can't complete or own tasks and desires for ourselves - it's hard for others to do that too. So by not completing my to do list - its my fault. It also teaches myself that the things I say are important, ie: de-cluttering but then purchasing more stuff, my brain knows I'm lying. So with that lie creates the unwillingness to complete this task.
So my solution is .. I'm having a garage sale. I'm going to really go through cabinets and every nook and remove the clutter. I've already started donating but now it's time for the HUGE push. I set a date, I've been putting things aside (which is actually creating more clutter) and bought garage sale stickers so that I can label as I go. What doesn't get sold will be donated THAT weekend.
This is my omission to my need vs wants. This is my inner cry for de-clutter and organization I so desperatly want.  I also NEED to stop this urge for impulsing purchasing. It creates a huge issue in more then one compartment in my life.


Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Amy's journey of change.. chapter 1

A good friend of mine recently downloaded the audible book "Girl, Wash your face" by 'Rachel Hollis' and called to tell me that I had to read this book. Crazy enough - a month later I bought the book and I'm through the entry and the first four chapters.

I struggle with keeping it all together. I am having a hard time balancing cleaning the house, taking care of kids and staying on top of everything else. I never get a break.. and at times that causes chaois in the home.  The husband can relax and just lounge around all weekend. HE can play with the kids at his leisure and 80% of the time he takes the easy tasks. Don't get me wrong feeding and changing the baby is very helpful but I'd rather he change out the dishwasher and the washer/dryer while I feed the baby. While he is making our kids scream in delight and giggle.. I'm making dinner and missing out on the fun and y'all that makes me a little bitter. Please don't take this as an intro to "count the ways I hate my husband" because that is far from what I'm saying.  In addition to never feeling like I get a break.. I have a tendency to compare myself and make myself feel lesser then. Like "how can Susie's house look so perfect all the time? She has three kids.. I have three kids.. my house looks nothing like Susie's. What is is she doing that I am not?"  This very question passes through my head more then 100x a day and makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. 
In Chapter 1; pg 4 of this book she says "I want you to understand, my sweet, precious friend, that we are all falling short.""We live in a all or nothing society that says I need to look, act, think and speak perfectly or just throw in the towel and stop trying all together."  here is the part that made me literally break down... "some of you feel so overwhelmed by your life that you've given up. You're a piece of jetsam being tugged along with the tide. It feels too hard to keep up with the game, so you've quit playing. Oh, sure you're still here.  You still show up for work, you still make dinner and take care of your kids but you're always playing catch-up. You always feel behind and overwhelmed." <-- nail on the head this is exactly how I feel.  Pg 5 goes on to say that "this is your life. You are meant to be the hero of your own story." "When I say I'm unhappy, I mean discontented, unsettled, frustrated, angry - any number of emotions that make us want to hide from our lives instead of embracing them with arms wide open like a Creed song." 
I wanted to jump up & down with a big neon flashing sign and say "YESSS! This is exactly how I feel right now!" This! I wrote my friend and started saying exactly what I just typed above.. because I have never heard anyone else say this. It was so liberating to know someone else feels this way. Let't be honest - all social media is snipets of things that have made us happy that we want to share. People don't get on social media share a picture of their kitchen with dishes stacked up, piles of crap on the counters and laundry on the floor  and say.. "I just can't today folks.. I'm just gonna play with my kids in the backyard".. because we'd get ridiculed right and left.. be called everything from lazy to bad parents.. because we are so quick to judge what we don't know. You don't know what I go through  but you do know I have three small kids. You know I love them more then anything and fought to have them but you don't know that I struggle daily. I struggle with making daily 'to do lists' that never get completed, I struggle with feeling alone and isolated. I struggle with not having a tribe to ask for help and I struggle for the mom shaming that comes with asking for help. I mean heaven forbid I ask someone to watch my kids so I can get a break or just take ONE to the Dr without taking all 3. As one person told me.. I chose to have three kids so I should take the responsibility and take care of them and not expect other people to step in and help. Umm so that told me 2 things.. she wasn't someone I wanted in my inner circle and she was wrong. She is wrong in the fact that I don't expect help but it would be nice when I do ask. I don't expect  you to clear your schedule to help me but I don't appreciate you sending me the link to 'care.com' either.
At the end of the chapter it says: (PG 8) "You become who you surround yourself with. You become what you consume. If you find yourself in a slump or feel as though you're living in a negative space, take a good hard look at who and what you see every day."... ton of bricks.. there is just one problem.. I'm surrounded by my messy house and my kids. The kids bring me joy and my house gives me heart palpatations (slightly joking). My husband doesn't help me the way that I need but he does help me. My brother & SIL aren't expected to help but it's nice when they do. So it has to be the 'what' portion of this passage more then the 'who'. So I decided to limit my interactions on facebook and instagram.. maybe that will help the comparisons of others. Also on a passive aggressive note.. it's not like anyone talks to me anyway. Three or Four people tag me, comment or simply reach out to me anyway. It's not like me staying off facebook would change any interactions.. so again.. I feel very alone. I also think that I need a new facebook circle all together because I shouldn't feel this alone with 124 'friends'. I thought having kids would make me become more included but actually it's make me more isolated. Crazy.

I love my kids, I love my husband but things get overwhelming at moments. It would be nice to have a tribe to go to for strength and support. It would be nice to be able to get help when I need it and not feel so strapped. She is right in the fact that this is my life and I need to be my own hero in my own story. 

I hope you join me in reading this book, i hope this helps others jump in a share their feelings... and just maybe it will create a cool little tribe for us to go through this together.. i dunno... maybe.

Chapter 2&3 tomorrow.

Friday, September 7, 2018

We Survived our Road Trip

We survived our road trip!! We went from San Diego to Victoria, Texas and then down to Houston, Texas and back to San Diego. By car with 3 kids 3 and under and the kids did so great! They loved the hotel stays, which were plentiful, and they loved the attention from family. We had such a great time & I wish we could have stayed a little longer in the Lone Star State. Don't get me wrong, we had some bumps and bruises - even a urgent care visit for Little Dude - but overall the trip was great. I also discovered that the overall way Texans vs Californian's hold themselves is SO different. Meaning.. Texans are WAY more conservative in all manners then what we have been immersed in for 8 years. I think my eyes and heart really needed to see and digest this. I'm sure it will be a while before we take that trip again but it wasn't nearly as stressful as I thought it was going to be.



Now we are back home, back to the messy house, the crazy schedules and have fallen into the same routines in less then a week. Problem is .. we didn't have a great routine to begin with & my house stresses me out. A good friend came over yesterday and I was saying how I barely felt like I was surviving, like my head was barely above water, and my chore list just keeps growing. How my cluttered counters and my unchecked chore list are making me feel inadequate. She told me this.. "you are doing great! You have three kids who are happy & and fun to be around. You have a full house but who cares what your counters look like. If people are coming to see all the things that you don't do instead of all the amazing stuff that you actually do - they shouldn't be coming over in the first place!" I needed to hear that. I get so stressed out that I don't complete a daily chore list, and yes I make one for myself everyday, because of one reason or another. I'm going to keep working on that because I need to give myself a break but I need to hold myself accountable at the same time .. that's the hard line.


I think it's easy to fall into a routine with your spouse & forget to tell each other how great they are doing or how important they are. I lean more on being annoyed 24/7 because I feel I do more then he does and it leaves me jaded. I also don't hold into account that the works away from the house & he goes to college classes 2x a week. I really need to work on NOT being so hard on him b/c when the chips are down he's got my back.  I also don't think about the way I look much, until I see myself in a picture. I hate the way I look in a picture! "OMG is that really me?!" If I just stayed away from cameras I'd have the best self esteem - lol. Truth is.. I need to get back to the gym to simply take care of myself. It isn't to drop 30 pounds, which would be amazing, but to take care of me. To have that little carved out me time, to do something that benefits my whole family. If I get sick or hurt .. it's gonna hurt them all not just me.. and I want to set that example to my kids.

That's all I got this am folks. I gotta start getting these smaller kids up and start our day. I have been looking up a trip to 'schlitterbahn' in San Antonio, Texas as our next family trip but that may be a couple of years down the road. I think Little Miss needs to be almost 5 before we take that trip.. so we have a while. Hope y'all have a great weekend!

Monday, July 30, 2018

Weekend.


Friday I went to my primary Dr., PCM, and had a long sit down with him. I was so on edge because usually when I go it he is just eager to user me out of the office. This visit was no different. I went to the ER in Mid July and they decided that I needed my gallbladder removed b/c I have gallstones. So I decided to make a wellness visit. So the dude literally walks in the room holding my file and chatting about my ER visit. OK but that's not why I was there. So I tried to change the topic to my back like a thousand times but the dude wasn't interested in really listening to me. Everything I brought up came back to being a Mom of 3. He said that since I had all three kids so quickly that my body never had time to really heal itself. My core muscles of my stomach are so weak that they are now putting strain on my back. I can totally understand what he is saying there. So his recommendation was to join a gym .. do some yoga.. and go to physical therapy. I laughed.. snorted laughed.. like I have time for physical therapy!! BUT he said if I don't follow through with physical therapy then he wouldn't go any further into the back pain.  It wasn't a total loss and he wasn't really wrong.. but I thought he'd do more to help me out. He suggested I get back into the gym, take some time for myself - which I don't do b/c we are so busy - and make myself a priority for the kids sake.
The husband also wants to join the KETO ban wagon and I'd really like to do the PALEO diet again.. man those numbers on that scale were scary. I try to tell myself that they are just numbers.... but those were some large three digit numbers. I talked it over with the husband and I am just going to have to make time for  myself. The Y is open until 9 and I could go around 7pm and get a good two hour workout done. I need to find a good yoga class and with the help of the physical therapy ... hopefully I can start to feel some relief. 
Moving on here....
Our friends moved away to WA and we usually spend our weekends with them. So this weekend we tried something a little different. My brother & SIL took Little Dude on the San Diego "Jeep Run" and we made some fun for Little Man and Little Miss. We ran to the commissary for some fruits and veggies for the week. After that we were going to meet up with a friend at a local splash pad, but it was HOT. So I remembered a friend took me this awesome YMCA pool when Little Man was a baby, so I looked it up and we went. We took Little Miss with us and she even got in the water! I didn't even take my phone out of my bag - so no pictures but it was awesome! We were then planning on going to a frozen yogurt spot after that but my brother called to say there were heading home early and so did we. This single trip to the this water playland made me want to re-up my membership! It was so much fun & little man had SUCH a great time that I really want to do this again!

On Sunday we did some house chores and I got so much stuff done!! After nap time a friend met up with us and we went to get frozen yogurt and then to Kohl's for some school clothes for little man. The trip to the yogurt place with all 3 kiddo's was insane! I felt this crazy amount of pressure for my kids to be all proper and quiet.. which is crazy in itself..  but the kids had a blast. Isn't that what it's about?? I hate getting all worked up and missing the fun and then looking back  at the situation and seeing I was being crazy. We got some good photo's tho! Little Man, Little Dude and Little Miss.. all having a great moment at the frozen yogurt place.


Hope everyone is having a great Monday & had a great weekend!  I'm going to try and figure out how to create a 'vlog' and see if I can get that up this week. I gotta go start lunches for these cuties! Let me know you stopped by so I can say "HI" back!