Thursday, August 11, 2016

late night thinking

It's late. Another one of these late night posts.
I have a lot on my mind.

1. I want this bathing suit from VS before it's gone but I don't want to spend the $70. I already had another bathing suit set in my cart and forgot to check out .. it's gone. I should really just take the plunge and purchase this one before it's gone.

2. Being a single parent has it's perks but it gets super lonely. 99% of the time I feel I am doing little man a disservice. We should be out doing more, learning more, but then again he's excelling at so many things. It would be nice to be lazy on the couch for an hour and not feel totally guilty about it.

3. The husband comes home in a matter of days. Then he leaves for a year less then two months later. Kinda torn because it's almost like "whats the point?" We are going to get used to him being around and taking the trash to curb on Mondays just so he can leave. I do want my husband here but I think of all the weird stuff little man thinks about this guy who appears and disappears all the time. Military life with a kiddo is harder then I thought.

4. to expand the family or not to expand the family. I have the opportunity to add to our family while the hubby is home for his two months. That also equals going through a pregnancy and delivery without my husband home. at all. Oh trust me I can do it.. but do I want to do it. This man just wont let it go.. he wants another baby.. that i'll have to take care of 24/7. but Damn I love being a Mommy. Plus I'm old. I gotta push these kiddo's out before the arthritis really kicks in. No body wants a Mommy who uses a cane to walk.. yea?

5. One month until Dierks Bentley's concert. We got VIP tickets again. The rush is real. My obsession isn't stalker level .. yet.

6. Now that the kiddo's are all back in school maybe we can start our gym routine again... oh wait Dad will be home for only two months... gaaaah.  Wait.. wait.. he'll still be working so yea we can add it back to the schedule. Oh I also bought PIYO from beachbody and it's awesome. {totaly wish that was a paid advertisment}.

7. I need to drink more H2O. Dr Pepper slowly creeped back into my home. What's his deal anyway.. geesh. I really gotta make H2O a priority especially if we are going to be another adding a little one to the mix.  

8. I want to do a huge purge. I want to start removing everything we don't use on a weekly/monthly basis out of this house. Except holiday decor - that would be insane. It's starting to look like a house off of hoarders. Ya know I don't make the free time to sew anymore but I really should. I have enough random makeup/lotion products to open a little sidewalk store. Maybe I'll throw a garage sale before the hubby sails off again. Put a little jingle in my pocket and load up my starbucks card before the hubby leaves again. That's a great idea actually.

9. having a boob lift and a tummy tuck can be a goal right? I mean I can try to accomplish this for my 40th birthday yea? Why not.. pop out this last kiddo and save my Starbucks money for a boob lift and tummy tuck. I can dream.

10. Speaking of dreaming.. I'm off to bed. Hope everyone has an amazing weekend. Not that I post often but hopefully I can find time to post a little more once the hubby gets home.. (trails off in hysterical bouts of giggles).. more time.. (more giggles).

Monday, August 8, 2016

Missing communication.

Do people ever stop and think "I miss having a real relationship?". I do. Almost everyday. I crave human contact but not through a cold screen. I miss getting phone calls, or random arrivals at my door. I miss going to dinner with someone who didn't check a device 20 times in a hour. I miss sitting in my backyard and just talking the hour(s) away. Creating memories that can't be recorded on a social media website. Do you miss it too? Do you ever look over at your house phone, if you have one, and wish that someone other then a telemarketer called you? It's so insane to think that was the norm not so long ago. When picking up a actual phone, inside your home, and talking to a friend or loved one was so normal. Now it's answered with annoyance and speculation. How far we have come from actual relationships.
Yesterday someone was telling me - via facetime - that a man has 10,000 words to say in a day while a women has 50,000. If those words aren't used then we feel unsettled. So I guess typing is the new verbiage because I don't say 50,000 words a day and I do feel unsettled. I'm constantly looking for a human connection with people.[language log]
I will try and connect with just about anyone while little man takes his morning nap. I can talk to you while I fold a load of laundry, or change our the dishwasher, or clean a bathroom. I can talk to you while I dust my house or organize my sons clothes. I can talk to you while I'm cleaning up the back yard, taking out the trash, brushing the dog, emptying out the refrigerator, making a grocery list. I can. So why don't we? Why do we come up with excuses to not have that verbal contact with people anymore? Why do we say "oh I can't talk right now" but you are on facebook 20 min later??
I feel like I'm the only person left, in my age bracket, that misses the human connection that used to be.
Don't get me wrong there are things about our modern technology that I love - like having a app to check my bank account or an app for my coffee. I enjoy the distraction of facebook & instagram. I do but I crave the human connection more. Gosh I love having my camera at my fingertips & music! That by far has to be my two favorite things about our technology advancement. I remember carrying around a little walkman cd player and I had to carry this HUGE folder with me if I wanted to change the album.. now I just download the newest song and listen to it whenever & where ever. Trust me I love it. Plus who doesnt' love having google at there fingertips? or being able to text someone when you have a question instead of waiting until you arrive home.. Trust me I'm not lost on the convinces. My question is have we gone too far? Have we gone too far out of the comfort of daily communication with a actual person and rely on social media to fill that void? With that - how many comments or texts are taken out of context because you can't hear the dilact of how it's said. Or better yet. How many of you have forgotten how to read other dilects? I was at a dinner the other night and another lady took my joke completely out of context. Was it my fault for not delivering my joke correctly or was it hers for not receiving it the way I meant?
I bring this up alot because I never thought I'd be an adult and feel so alone and isolated. I never thought i'd long for a phone to ring or a conversation to be had. I never dreamed we'd sit in groups - in silence and stare at our phones for entertainment. It's even sadder to know that one day my sweet boy will also rely on conversation through a text and a tweet - never understanding the simple joy of real communication.

The train has left the station and you are either on it or left behind. I don't see us going backwards so my longing for what used to be will just remain where it is. I think that above all else is sadder then anything I've ever posted.


Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Little Man turned 1

All I did was blink and fast forward 365 days later and my baby boy is 1.
Since his birthday fell in the week we threw a Dr Suess shindig this past weekend & of course I have pictures to share.


This lady came highly recommended by a Mommy circle in San Diego & I'm glad that I called. She made three dozen primary colored cupcakes and one adorable Cat in the Hat smash cake. I will be using her again in the future - the cake & cupcakes were amazing!


Multi colored Gold Fish {One Fish, Two Fish}
Buttered popcorn {Hop on Pop}


Truffula Tree cupcakes {The Lorax}
Cat n the Hat smash cake {Cat n the Hat}
cupcake stand from Party City


Poodles of Noodles {Fox in Socks}
Fruits & Veggies = Truffula seeds {The Lorax}
*Not pictured* Hot dogs {Go Dog Go}


Hawaiian Orange Punch {Lorax Juice}
Tea


I made a photo frame for our photo prop station. It wasn't as big of a hit as I thought it would be but it was still super cute. I made the photo frame out of the thick poster board from Micheal's and covered it with fabric that I bought from fabric.com. The photo props where from a digital download from the etsy store Choosearoo. My friend & I cut out all the different characters and glued poster board to the back with a Popsicle  stick. Months and months of pouring over pinterest related pages led me to this awesome food selection. With all foods dedicated to a Dr Suess book I was super proud of the turn out. It was way too much food but it was super cute.


Happy Birthday banner from Etsy shop
Mindy's Paper Piercing


Birthday High Chair banner from Etsy shop
Sugar & Spice Corner


wooden letters & paint from Micheal's and hand painted them myself. 

Majority of all the Dr Suess decorations came from a website called Birthday Express. From the invitations to the Thank you cards this place had it all! Surprisingly very reasonable prices too! I didn't do a bundle but I do think that I got a great deal all the same. The remainding decorations came from either the Dollar Store or Target. I think I walked away spending close to $300 for the whole thing and the cupcakes/cake was $86!

All in all the party went great & I couldn't have been happier with the turn out! If you follow me on facebook then you have already seen the hundreds of pictures that were posted over the weekend. I just simply can't believe my little man is already one!! WOW!


"1" shirt from the blue envelope




Wednesday, July 6, 2016

loss.

I haven't written in a while because I simply don't feel attached to the blog anymore. I don't get the same sense of joy out of the posts. Most of the time I feel like I am writing to nobody but I guess that's what we all do when we right a post.

The other day my brother in law lost his battle with cancer. He sadly passed away peacefully in his home surrounded by his wife and kids. The funeral was today and I heard it was beautiful. I was saddened that I couldn't make it. Hours after hearing about the funeral I found out that a different family member (different family) who has melanoma - his cancer has gotten bigger. Not spread but the existing spots have grown. It's heart breaking. I just can't think of losing another person.

The other day I got invited to a beach party. It's a new group of people & frankly I'd love to make some new friends. I ended up talking myself out of going and regret it. What if I missed the chance to make new friends? But I was so worried about the way that I looked that I didn't go. I don't look the greatest right now & I didn't want to walk around in a "Mom" bathing suit when I have a closet full of beautiful bikini's. I put my self image before the desire to make new friends. I prejudged myself on their behalf and never gave them the chance. I mean hell I have a closet full of coverups so why I didn't I just go?! I ended up talking to my husband about it & he brought up a great point. I am not any bigger then I was two or three years ago. I have actually lost weight (10 lbs and counting!!) but I had such self confidence to walk in front of everyone in a bikini. Knowing my flaws and knowing that I wasn't a size 6 I still didn't have the self doubt that i have now. So why is it that having a child made me look at myself so differently? Why do I suddenly feel so gigantic? I can't stand to see myself in pictures. And every time I gain a shred of confidence I see myself in a picture and cringe. What happened? When did I become this person? Why have I suddenly shy'd away from new opportunities and experiences?

I know you are asking how these two topics pull together but I promise that they do..
Our lives are not guaranteed. We aren't promised a certain amount of time on this earth. We aren't given a deadline to meet. We aren't given a check off list when we are born to complete. We have the choice to make these memories and to take new chances. Some may be the last choice that we make and some may change our whole outlook. The point is .. I shouldn't be so consumed on the way that I look. I shouldn't try to analyze why I feel this way or blame anybody for the way that I feel. I should live life to the fullest and do what makes me happy. So what people are mean and rude.. they have been .. so why let that break me? I LOVE the beach. I LOVE being surrounded by water. I LOVE being a Mom and meeting new people. If tomorrow was my last day would I care that I'm not a size 6 or would I wear my favorite bikini and go to my favorite spot to spend the day with my kid.. hell yes! Then why worry about that any other time? I shouldn't. I should do what makes ME happy & create memories with my kid. I SHOULD take care of myself so that I'll be around longer with my family but I SHOULDN'T be so consumed on what others think that I stop living life.

As happy as I am there are things that I miss about the life I had before (not reincarnation kinda past life). I miss having friends who came over all the time, and neighbors you could walk out and talk too & share a afternoon with. I miss not stressing about the way that I look, or the color my hair, or the latest weight loss gimmick. I don't think I've ever been truly confident in my skin but I never worried about this kind of stuff before now. I feel that my surroundings has changed my outlook and created a pressure that wasn't there before. I also feel the same pressure from people who size you up and think they have you pegged because they gave you a once over glance. It's hard being a women - a bigger women - in our society but I have the choices and options to make a difference in the way that I feel and look. What kind of message am I sending to my child(ren) if all I do is worry about what other people think? What kind of role model am I if I allow others to strip away what makes me me to conform to what others think I should be?


Thursday, June 16, 2016

A life is a life.

There are so many bad things going on in our society.
We are all effected one way or another.
It's sad that someone makes a choice that effects so many others - it's selfish really.
My heart breaks for all of the loved ones that are now left alone because of someone's hate.

Personally my family is being 'attacked' by Cancer.
It's horrible to watch, read or listen to the updates. It's hard to have faith that we'll all pull through these moments when the future seems so bleak. It's hard to stay positive when nothing around seems bright and cheery. Everyday is just another an exhale; a sigh of relief that we are given one more day.

To think of such a sudden loss, as to what happened in Orlando, is just heart breaking. The guilt of relief of my brother in law still holding on; fighting actually - while others were slane dancing - makes me sick. The two are comparable for the simple fact that a life is a life. Everyone matters to someone; which makes us all equally important and valued.

Cancer sucks, death sucks. No matter how a life is loss, it all sucks.
Instead of pointing fingers and searching for blame - I pray we can all just simply exist. Show a little more compassion and a lot more respect.  We are all plagued with some sort of tradegy through out of our lives but it seems that tragedy is more present then ever. I could spew words or hate and accusations but that wont change what has happened.

Maybe those of us that are sad and effected by loss can just simply stand together and pray for peace and healing. Hate is the worst epidemic to hit our society since the world began. Sadly it can also be traced by to the beginning of time. We learn about it in History, watch documentaries and even celebrate it's victories and yet we learn nothing from it.

It's sad that nothing effects us until it personally effects us.

No matter how you live your life & no matter what you are going through = you mean something to someone and that is the most important thing to remember and realize.


Tuesday, May 17, 2016

run maybe?

I'm not a runner. I don't think I could run to the end of my street and back if I had too. 
This is my running motto:


Simple and true
I'm in horrible shape. Absolutely horrible shape. BUT I have been given a challange. A challenge I'm not sure that I can accept but one that I certainly want to accept. 
My brother in law, Steve, was diagnosed with Leukemia last fall. He has had a very rough battle, chemo & the other trials have not worked. The Chemo just makes him sicker and he has had pneumonia twice already after Chemo treatments. His counts are up and the last trial he did harmed his vocal cords - leaving him barely able to talk. This is man with a great singing voice and my heart breaks with this hardship. Also - to add to the horrible cancer news - it came shortly after his first Grandson was born. 
My nephew's wife posted about a half Marathon in San Antonio, Texas on December 4th {Sponsored by Teamintraining.org}for the Leukemia/Lymphoma society. I wanna do this. I want to do something to raise awareness, to raise money & to support my amazing brother in law Steve. I want to drive to Texas and join my nephew's wife & a couple of our family/friends. I almost feel like I need to do this. 
BUT

Back to the top of this post - I don't run. I don't even know that I could run a 5K (three miles) let alone a half marathon (13.1)! AND the run is five months and some change away. I mean - I'm pushing it. That's a lot of training. Not to mention the cost of travel to get to Texas (again) from Cali with a baby by myself.  It's crazy, insane even!! But love makes you do crazy things; doesn't it? 
I could go to Houston for Thanksgiving and drive down to San Antonio for the marathon. I could fly to San Antonio for the weekend and do the marathon. There are options and if I put my feet where my heart is - I could do this. 
Will I do this? Will I commit to the training, eattings habits, life altering modifications that would be needed to succeed? 
It would greatly improve my healthy, my weight loss goal and lord knows my own personal spirit. I'm worried if I commit and don't follow through then I'll have the heaviest sense of regret. Hell, even if I went and walked the whole 13 miles - I went and did my part to this amazing cause.. yea?? 


Holy crap I think I just agreed to commit and try to running/walking my first half marathon! 

Who's with me? 


Friday, May 13, 2016

personal regroup.

I think it's safe to say that when we try to recreate ourselves later in life it's called a 'mid life crisis'. I think that every so many years we come to a point that we need to refocus & regroup. That is where I am at at this moment. I am in desperate need to regroup & refocus my life. I have been struggling for a while with finding a healthy way to release a lot of anger that I have held onto. You get a lot of opinions and suggestions but nothing has really seemed to help. I don't want anger to take over my life anymore. I am tired of feeling jaded, on edge and hesitant. I feel the healthiest way to help with the anger is to work out. To really focus on releasing this toxic energy.
I have a couple of idea's on how to regroup my life. I think that I have about 10 points that I'd like to implement into my life. The top of my list is to remove all the items we haven't used in the past 6-12 months from our house. I think it's important to remove some of the clutter to help release some of the old. I have changed myself so much, I wanted to go back to the when I felt good about myself. I went and got my nails done the other day (as fake as that it - I like having them since I bite my nails when I am stressed). I have also planned on getting my hair dyed back to a blonder color. (again i know that is a little fake but it's what i have always felt comfortable.) I also plan on getting on a very heavy workout routine. I have been using the FitBit but now I'm ready to really turn up the volume. As long as little man stays healthy - we'll be at the gym at least four days a week.
My next goal on the list is to put myself out there and make some good friends. I feel that my anger and fear of rejection hasn't allowed me to really open up to people. Plus the fact that i have so much anger - the negativity is just rolling off of me. Since military wives haven't proven to be the best way to make friends. I've decided to give the church another try. I'm going to start looking into different churches in the area and find a place that i feel comfortable. It will be a good place for little man & I to try. I'm just really praying that I don't run into another dead in on this one, but the part of this transition is to put myself out there.
Those are just a couple of things I have on the list. It's not that I'm unhappy or that I'm in a bad situation - it's just that I need a tune up. I just need to regain control over what I don't feel like I have control over. We are all a constant work in progress and I feel that with all the changes happening - this is a good time for a tune up.




Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Surviving

We survived our first week of my husbands Underway. 
YAY!
Little man & I kept super busy. 

We babysat, we went out to breakfast, we ran errands and got groceries.


We attended a Sunday dinner on the beach with a friend, we then took a rest day for Monday. Tuesday we went to the San Diego zoo, 


Wednesday we took another trip to base to purchase Mother's day gifts & then to the post office. Thursday a friend from high school came to San Diego and we spent some time at the beach.


We even got to see whales along the shore line while we were visiting a beach. Super cool.

I even had enough time to read a WHOLE book! {Red Queen by Victoria Aveyard}I haven't read a book in such a long time & it was so good that i ended up buying the next three books to the series (which I haven't touched). 

Friday my husband came home late and we made the most out of the short weekend we had. Sunday night little man came down with a fever and well this week has been hell. No fun trips, no fun adventures past going to the Dr's office. We start a whole new week on Friday so I'm sure we can find some awesome things to do that week too. Hopefully little man gets better fast so we can attend swim lessons this month - considering we haven't been since March. I'd also like to go back to the gym too because we haven't been there in a while either. 

What are some things you like to do with your kids? 


Sunday, April 24, 2016

Deployment plans

Gosh -- we are about to start deployment work ups. In the next weeks I'll be a single Mom for the first time. I'll go almost two weeks without my husband here in the evenings or on weekends. Every routine that I have created around him being gone is about to end. Have I mentioned that I don't handle change very well??? lol. I seriously can't believe that we are about to have our first deployment in 6 years!!
I have a lot of plans for this upcoming deployment months.
We have a YMCA membership that we are currently using but now I can change up my schedule an go in the evenings. We also have swim lessons that we are continuing. I have a goal to drop close to 20 pounds in the next three months. Which is a lot but you are supposed to lose close to 2 pounds a week so... 24 pounds is do-able!! I can do it!
We also have a Zoo membership to the San Diego zoo - that we use pretty often! I love going! I love checking out all the animals and seeing little man's expressions when he see's new animals.

We went last week and we got to see a Tiger up close (to the glass). He stared for a while and then said "kitty!" .. well yes I guess that a Tiger is a 'kitty' but I was so impressed!! We also got to see a Orangutan up close and he was pretty amazed by that too. Our favorite are the Giraffe's - the move around and are tall enough to catch his attention.

We also have the Beach! Oh the beaches! This little boy LOVES the Ocean! He loves the waves, the loves the sand - so we are going to make it a mission to visit as many beaches as possible! Considering there are so many beaches around here I figure we can make it a point to visit as many we can & figure out our favorites.
The original plan was to travel a bit (go to Oklahoma & Arkansas) while my husband is away but I'm not sure that's actually going to happen. We do have a puppy to pick up in Oklahoma in a couple of months but I'm not sure we are going to make a big trip out of it. Yes, another puppy. Pomeranian puppy.
We are also planning on having another baby & getting pregnant during this deployment. Since we can't get pregnant on our own we are going to use our Frozen Embryo (which is called a FET). We were going to do it this month but I felt it was way to stressful to do all of this right now - so we are going to go back in three months to do the whole process. Well I will be going back in three months to do the whole process - on my own. Yea I know.. another crazy mark but we'll talk more about this later.
I want to start going back to Church. I want to find a church family to grow with and to get a sense of a backbone. Church has always played a important role in my life & I want to give little man the same option. I think it will be another great way to make some friends and put our lives on the right track.
Another big part of our deployment will be financial building. We aren't in crazy debit - Mortgage, car payments, etc but I want to improve a bit in a couple of area's. Who doesn't?!
So in closing - we have a lot of plans for this upcoming deployment. We have a couple of adventures, a plan to stay connected with the zoo & the Y, to get our finances completely squared away & to, hopefully, extend our family. I'm sure I'll share more (in detail like I did with little man) about our next fertility journey with the FET. We aren't going to let this separation keep us down but we are going to grow.



Monday, April 11, 2016

9 months.


My little man turns 9 months old tomorrow. 

When did that happen? Here I am watching him try to pull himself up on the couch (we don't own a coffee table) and thinking that it all cant' be real. It seems like less then three days ago I brought home a sweet newborn baby boy. So I'm silently super sad that my baby boy is growing up so fast. Of course I am super proud of all his accomplishments but I'm super sad time is flying by so quickly.


Speaking of time flying by - I have already started putting little man's first birthday together. Hey, I may not be super super happy that my baby is getting so big - but I still wanted to plan out my sweeties very first birthday bash. I can't wait to share all the details!! I just want to say that Etsy is very dangerous when planning parties - especially first birthday's! Then again pinterest is just as dangerous & you can very easily get carried away. I have somehow managed to find ideas for little man's next five birthday's thanks to pinterest ~ hahaha.
So quick questions about birthday etiquette. For the out of town guests who can't attend {or wont}the party is it OK to send out an e-mail 'announcement/invitiation'? I found these adorable custom invitiations on Etsy & they come back as a JPEG - so I was thinking that I might just e-mail them out instead of 'mailing' them. Than again this 80's girl feels like that e-mailing a invitation is very rude. Also.. can we ask for gift cards instead of gifts? I know that just sounds really rude. A friend suggested that I create a birthday wish list and add it to the e-mail but we aren't sure on the proper etiquette's involved. 

We have so much going on right now that I'm not even sure what to share but I feel that I keep repeating myself & not really sharing anything. The newest news is:
my husband in on a ship that is being built. Since the ship isn't ready and isn't being built in San Diego - the put him on a temporary active ship. So we are preparing for 'work-ups' and 'underways' with this temporary ship that starts VERY soon. In a couple of weeks my husband will be here then there and then here and off again. I'm starting to sweat being a single Mom since I rely on my husband so much.
It's been five years since his last deployment so I'm a little rusty.. but I prayed for workups before they just moved him away to the new ship & my prayer was answered. Later this year they will move my husband, as a geo bachelor {meaning without us}, to a whole different state and he'll be gone for almost a year. So you include the workups & underways with the temporary ship before he joins his ship he'll be gone for over a year. 
Yea, re-read that. My husband, between two ships, will be gone from of for over a year.
Our lives are getting busier and little man & I are about to deal with life, for a year, with just the two of us. While I'm sure I can handle it, I'm just prepping for a year of being alone.
I've got to get to bed. 
I hope everyone has an amazing week.