Tuesday, September 5, 2017

then there were three

Sitting here watching my kiddo's & thinking about how our lives are going to change again. Little Dude and Little Man are both on the floor playing... but not together. Little Dude is being fussy because he doesn't want to do tummy time. Little Man is quietly playing on the floor while a snot ball rolls down his lip and I know if I jump up to wipe it - it's going to be on his hands and all over his face. Yep told ya! Why do kids fight their nose being wiped?? So while I examine our little world of chaos I can't help but think about the little nugget growing in my stomach. The tinge of fear that creeps up, the questions I can't answer and all the decisions that are yet to come. I close my eyes and silently lie telling myself that my husband is never getting any again. I'm excited. I'm so happy & excited that we were able to create this little nugget. I'm so thankful that we get this experience but I could have waited a little longer in between kids.. but that wasn't the plan I guess.

I have decided to NOT do a nursery. I have decided that I'm going to purchase a Graco DreamGlider. Once this baby can roll over on his own I'll do a nursery for both little nugget and little dude to share. Considering they are so close to age - I think they will be fine to share a room - unless of course little nugget is a girl and throw a wrench in all my plans. I'm going to put my nesting energy into the house and try to get some things done. I think by putting off purchasing a baby bed and dresser won't really save us considering we'll need it anyway... so I may purchase the matching set to little dude after Christmas. BUT if we are having another boy then I can put all my energy into the house like I had planned. I'll just need to purchase diapers and his bed set.

What are the house plans? I'm going to change out the kitchen table and add a area rug under it, I'm going to add three end tables with lamps in the living room and change out the area rug. My biggest plan is to change the wall color in the kitchen, living room and hallway. I'm also going to take down the kids picture walls" and put all the pictures in the living room. I think I'm going to switch rooms with Little Dude and Little man. I won't have to change anything decor wise. I also need to organize the attached garage and really work on the back yard. I'd like to turn the garage into a play area using the interlocking play foam puzzle pieces but that's last on the list.

At the moment I'm trying to find my balance. To find me balance of getting chores done, sleeping and taking care of these little monsters. I want to do more than just survive.. and it's getting hard. I'm so tired!! I wish I could make them send my husband home lol. but I'll just tough it out.
That's all I got for now..

Sunday, August 27, 2017

what the what?!

For the past month I have been waiting to be seen by my primary doctor because I thought I had a hormone imbalance. After being on medicines for years for infertility I've gotten to know the ups and downs of my own body. I started getting headaches in the evenings, I started feeling super tired all the time - like I wasn't sleeping good, I also noticed I gained a substantial amount in a short amount of time. I geared up and asked my Dr's nurse to put in for some blood work to check my hormone levels so we could find a suitable birth control pill to help regulate my hormones in fluctuations.
Before my husband left he started talking about having a 3rd baby.. actually a lot of people were asking us if we were going to have another. I simply said no. I didn't want to go through more treatments and I am very happy with the two I have. We have a lot on our plate with Little Man and all his appointments and I simply couldn't think of having a third child.
My plan for this current deployment was to be at the gym as much as my schedule would allow. I have two guaranteed days during the week and as soon as Thomas' ABA kicked in I'd be able to go almost everyday. I dusted off the PIYO I bought last year and I was ready to really start my new routines. I even pinned and googled several 'at home' workouts in case my schedule didn't work and I couldn't make it to the gym.  I was determined to drop 30 pounds in 6-7 months and even decided to go back to the paleo diet. I had agreed with myself that Sept 1 would be my start day and I would rock this deployment.
I got a call saying the Dr's office had a cancellation and I took the appointment. Hours later my husband got a call saying he was flying out at the same time so I had to cancel. I called Friday to see if they had another cancellation so I could take it before the 6th of Sept. The nurse I had been speaking too requested that I take a at home pregnancy test to rule that out.. I scoffed. The Dr's assured us there was no way we could have a natural conception. After calling a friend to vent my frustration she agreed with the nurse.. why not? It wouldn't hurt anything. So before picking up little man from school I stopped at a WalGreens and was cursing myself for wasting $15 on two pregnancy tests.
My friend and I remained on the phone and as I arrived home with both boys sound asleep and the urge to pee - I took a test. I laughed and rolled my eyes at the notion that I was really going to fall for this. I was going to take a test, it was going to be negative because it always has been and I'd be discouraged for the rest of the day. ((It has always been negative without Dr intervention)). So here I am chatting away with my friend, because she wanted to stay on the phone, and pee'ing on a stick.. when the first circle filled with my urine I saw a bright blue line appear and a moment later another blue line. what the hell?! So naturally I started laugh crying.. and ran to grab a bottle of water... no way.. my friend is now laughing hysterically on the other end of the phone while my mind is racing full speed. This is false.. this is a false positive test.. there is no way I could be pregnant. Little Dude is FOUR MONTHS OLD.. there is no way after years of treatments and Dr's saying it couldn't be done.. that we created a baby through natural conception. Apx 20 min later, pregnancy test in hand, I repeated the steps and took my 2nd pregnancy test. Same results.. positive.. bright blue positive.  I ended up taking a total of five.. all positive results.. before conceding in a ball in my kitchen floor that this was really happening.
I can't get in until Sept 18th for a OB check up and by my calculations I'm already 7 weeks along so adding two more puts me at 9 weeks - four weeks shy of completing my first trimester. what the what! All I can do now is move forward .. I could go to the office and take a walk in pregnancy test.. but I don't think that would move anything forward any faster. I think I'm pretty content with waiting two more weeks but I do need to call and change the reason for the appointment. I'm excited that at our appointment that I'll get a ultrasound done so I'll be able to have proof and hear a heartbeat .. this is so unreal.
I was done. I was ready to move forward and be so content with two kids. I was so ready to box up all the baby stuff and donate it all. I was so ready to focus on being healthy and not worrying about being pregnant for the first time since I was 23. I was ready.. but seeing those two blue lines (five different times) just make me want this baby too. I wanted a baby that we didn't know our conception date, I wanted a baby that we didn't have to take medicine to concieve,  I wanted a "i have no idea when this happened" baby but I didn't think it was obtainable.
So now I'll be in the 3 under three club.. insane. Inconceivably insane. This little one will be born before Little Dudes first birthday and Little Man's third. My head keeps spinning with crazy questions.. like how do you go to the grocery store? You can't wear two kids! Can two kids fit in the front basket together? My current infant carseat was manufactured in 2014.. should last 6 years.. but should I get a new one? Does this kid get his own nursery or do I make him bunk with Little Dude or do i put Little Man and Little Dude in a room together? The baby will be sleeping with us for a while.. just like little Dude is now. Until they can roll over on there own my babies sleep in a rock n play next to my bed during the night. Which means I'll also need to update the current rock n play b/c it's gone through 3 kids.. (it was a hand me down from a friend and has been amazing!) My husband is always encouraging me to not run out and buy a crib b/c of this reason and I might just do that this time simply b/c I can't picture how to make the room situation work. OH MY GOD I'll need a new car! There is now way my awesome Escape can hold three car seats on that back row! Two full size and infant seats.. I'll have to move up to a bigger SUV. I wanted a truck.. I have been building my own F150 for months!  Not to mention Dr's appointments with two kids in tow! I'm going to have to find a sitter for those appointments or make them during little man's classes... {{this is how my mind has been racing for two days}}.
While it sounds like I'm complaining - I'm simply processing. Normally our kids are very planned so this is just a whirlwind. Another deployment and another pregnancy .. at least I know he'll make it home this time. I'm still in shock but very happy. I'm really worried my body didn't heal enough and concerned about my c-section scar (which has been bothering me for a couple of weeks). I've really got to manage my weight and hit the gym for this pregnancy b/c I'm heavier than I want to be, even though i typically don't gain a whole bunch. ((under 20 pounds)). SMH...  second best deployment ever! 

Thursday, August 24, 2017

August update

Gosh, it's been a whole month already. The husband just left for another 7 month deployment. Kinda nerve racking. I know I can handle it but man it's a lot. I just wish I could have gotten more done and didn't feel so alone.
Little Dude just turned 4 months this past week. He is rolling over on his side but is horrible on tummy time. He can totally do everything else but he isn't the greatest in tummy time.
Little man is keeping us all super busy! We have speech on Monday, OT (occupational therapy) on Tuesday's, a two n half hour school class on Wednesday & Friday's. We haven't started ABA services yet but we are  working on that.. but I have heard that he'll have five hours DAILY. I literally have no life that doesn't revolve around his therapy.
My mind is going a mile a minute. I want nothing more than to spend a day at the beach being childless and drinking a beer. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but Momma needs a break. I want to get so much done over the next six months and I'm not sure it will be realistic. I'd like to repaint the whole inside, I'd like to replace the kitchen table and the area rug in the living room. At the same time I really just want to be a hermit and save so much money to pay some bills off. So the plan is to balance both.. which I think is very plausible.
Since I have five hours a day with ABA services the plan is to hit the gym with little Dude. We also have 2.5 hours free during the school time frame too. I wanna carve some Mommy and little Dude time in, plus carve in some just Mommy time too. Thursday's I'd like to make to go out and check out different things. I haven't tackled going to the beach with just the kids by myself yet.. but i'm willing to try.
I've also want to work on a group of schedules... I'd like to get some meal planning done. I find that coming home with a hungry kid is horrible. I need/want to create some food/snacks that are already ready when we get home. Monday's is a late day I really need to start dinner in a crock pot kinda thing before I leave. I'd like to create a workable leaning schedule and get groups of things done by the day.. because there are days I look up and it's 4pm. I'm not sure where the rest of the day went. I'm also planning on going back to the paleo diet too. SHould help cutt down spending and make it easier to meal prep.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

July update.

Little man turned 2! Holy guacamole!
We ordered him a dump truck scene cake .. so dirty with trucks placed on it... they ran out of cars so they upgraded the cake. It was huge! It was delicious but it was huge! So we added a couple of his favorite cars, invited some neighbors and a couple of friends with kids and ate some cake.
We did pictures at JCP that afternoon - which are adorable! We also had a Dr's appointment (without shots) and found out that little man was 26lbs, 3ft tall and was able to flip around in his car seat. The next morning we went out for a IHOP pancake breakfast. His big gift this year was a swing set! Man, does he love to swing! Grandma from Texas sent him some PJ's and he got some pull back cars from amazon.. (from Mom). I think it was a great 2nd birthday!!!



Little Dude just turned 3 months old.. like what?! I can't believe he is 3 months old!! He is apx 14 pounds - wearing 3-6 month clothing, and trying so incredibly hard to sit up! He coo's and goo's, he is super punctual about eating, and he sleeps 6 straight hours at night! He is growing up so super quickly!!
Now I just gotta figure out what i'm going to do with all his clothes he has outgrown. The husband is talking baby #3 already but I think this baby factory has closed up shop. I'm not going through more fertility treatments - so we'd have to have a real miracle baby.



The husband is back home. He came home at the end of June. It has been a fun adjustment but a adjustment. I have gotten so used to doing everything myself, and man do I need a break, but to expect him to come in and just know the routines.. that's just insane. 
BUT
Now that we are getting the hang of things we are just learning that they are trading him to another command. We don't have official dates on everything yet but it looks like he will be leaving in September (yes, next month) for a 7-9 month deployment. The ship he'll be joining just left and he'll have to fly out to catch up with them.
While I understand it's the nature of the beast.. let's just say I'm NOT happy. I just completed 15 months with him gone and he'll be home for almost two months and gone for another 7-9 months... 15 + 9 = 24.. two years.  We can't fight the orders.. so it is what it is. 


While he is gone this time I'm going to focus on dropping weight and getting a good schedule for us. My plan is to go to the gym or do 'in home' workouts five days a week. I'll also be focusing on clean eating and increasing my water intake. I have adapted a very unhealthy Dr Pepper addiction after Little Dude was born.
We have our old roomie moving back in at the end of Sept, which will help us out quite a bit. My brother will also be moving back to SD later this year; which is another great bonus.
Little Man has already started speech but we will be adding Occupational therapy & he'll also be starting a 'early start' school. My plan is to use his school time (three hours) to go to the gym. It's going to be a lot challenging this round and even more challenging for the husband to just 'plop' back into our schedule. 

I'm also searching for 'who I am' during all of this too. I'm more than just a Mom and a wife. I have interest and hobbies that I have yet to explore. I'd like for Little Dude to get a little bit older but start doing beach days throughout the week. We've become hermits, unintentionally, and I really need to make an effort to break that cycle. Little Man does so good in public situations - so I really need to make that a focus. Although I'm still debating on keeping my Y membership - we will just have to see what the schedule allows once all the chips fall into place.
I have a couple of things I'd like to accomplish this next deployment but my main focus will be on weight loss & getting a better schedule. I will also be adding a 'night' off for myself either once or twice a month. Ya know where I hire a sitter to go catch a movie, or dinner, or a pedicure.. because I didn't do that the past fifteen months. I also need to understand and let it be ok to take a break and breath.


I'm very serious about skipping Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. I already bought the boys their monogrammed Christmas pj's from #gentryscloset and I'll be doing our annual family pictures - for the boys anyway - but that's about it. I do need to get Little Due a stocking - since the one I ordered last year has a different name on it but I'm not going all out with decorations, gifts, and baking this year. The kids don't need anything and they are little enough that they will never know. If you personally know me then you know that's insane - Christmas is one of my favorite holidays but I just want a break. I just want to take a deep breath and get back to the basics of family without the expectations of everything else. Nothing is more important than my little family and I really let the unimportant stuff take a back seat. Decorated tree's, cookies, gifts.. all of it at the end of the day is really just unimportant... it makes us feel good.. but it's not that serious. 

Thank you for stopping by to check on us and I hope that you leave a comment or two to let me know you're following along. 


Monday, June 12, 2017

Numbers.

9:
16:
42:
21:
28:
What do they all mean? We see numbers all day long no matter how hard we try. I was thinking the other day that we allow a clock to rule our lives. What time to get up, go to bed, take naps, go to stores, run errands, go to work, go home.. it goes on and on. I know that they say we can't live without air and water but I kinda think we can add numbers in that too - or time. So the significance of the numbers I listed?
9 days until little dude is 2 months old. I mean - wwwwhat?! that's like super crazy to me. Mind blown. I swear I just had that baby yesterday.
16 days until my husband is home. like seriously. He's been gone for what seems like a year.. I mean it's been a total of 40 days since Oct 5th, 2016. He was gone 6 weeks and then home for 6 weeks and then he left for 8 months. I'm not sure if I'm more scared or excited for him to be back in our daily routine.. it's gonna take a moment to adjust.
42 days until little man gets his eval for autism. We turned in the paperwork today and got out appointment. i'm seriously not excited but i'm anxious to get a diagnosis. Then again I feel that everyone would fail the autism test if we took it. So it's kinda like setting him up for failure, but I feel we gotta do it. So he can get all the help he needs and so that we can too. I have already learned a lot from the couple of speech sessions he's already had.
21 days until my favorite holiday of the year. I love the 4th of July. I love every silly sterotype that we Americans have. Grilling hot dogs and corn on the cob by the pool.. while eating watermelon ... just to sit in lawn chairs while having a budlight and watching the sky light up for 45 min to watch fireworks. I'm super excited! I love decorating for it too! I have my very own tote full of nothing but 4th of July decor. NOT kidding. Big lots loves to see me coming in June.. I buy so much stuff. It's also when I replace my welcome mats - hahahaha.
28 days until little man turns 2! I mean. We have decided to get him a cake and take him to his favorite place to play. We don't have any friends with little kids - so he doesn't have any friends to invite... how sad? I'm working on that part.. because he needs the kid interaction.
Well there ya go.. I just planned out the next 42 days for you.
I also want to add that my URL is up for renewal and I'm just not sure if I want to keep this going. I know, I know. I keep saying that and I just keep renewing it. It's a nice place to vent and to feel like I'm having a real conversation with someone but once the husband gets back I don't know that I'll really keep posting and updating. I'm gonna keep sleeping on it but I gotta renew it pretty soons.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

results.

So after an hour n half appointment it was concluded that Little man will also need Occupational Therapy. She said it was something to do with the way his mouth formed and he doesn't hold his tongue correctly - which is causing the majority of the speech problems. He was very vocal for her but he got really irritated halfway through and I'm sure it was the time frame - not the session. I feel like we were able to cover a lot of ground.
She told me that if he is autistic it's very low spectrum but she can see why we would think he was. She also stated that he was very intelligent, not that autistic children are not, but said that he had created his own way to talk to us. Ex: she showed him a stuffed cow and asked him to say "moo". He got frustrated when he attempted and went to my purse - got his ipad and went to an app with animals. He picked out the cow - showed her - pushed the cow and it said "Moo". He started dancing around because he was proud of himself and she said that was very acceptable. It was acceptable because he was acknowledging that he knew what she was asking and created a way to repeat the sound - even if it didn't come from his own mouth.
Our half hour 1 on 1 was a little more taxing b/c once I entered the equation he got super anxious. He was very touchy and wanted us to leave. He didn't like that she was telling me about the hour. He doesn't like to hear us talk about him in this context. So we need to be careful when we are explaining his 'actions' too b/c he is listening and it does upset him.
 We talked a lot about discipline and limitations. She said he was super agitated that he couldn't express what he wanted or that we weren't understanding him. He does lead or guide you to what he wants but when it's not given he gets upset. Not b/c he is demanding or that he was 'acting out' simply because he didn't understand when we said  no and why. We need to do a lot more talking with him. Name everything. Repeat it. Don't punish him for things we think he should know. Like.. when in the high chair. .I know he can say "go" but to him "go" means leaving the house. So using 'go' to get down is confusing but it's what he can say. So say "down" and repeat it a couple of times then get him down.  Don't make him sit until he says it.. just repeat it every time and get him down. It's going to take a lot of discipline and repetition for all of us. So all in all we were told to put non basic discipline on the back burner until we could get our evaluations done and allow them to explain to us how he needs to learn. Don't let him get away with everything but demonstrate patience in learning his way of communicating. What we may take as being bratty may simply be his way of being agitated.
The story is he's very quiet. He never makes a sound, never throws a tantrum - well not really - but I do see that when he does it is out of frustration.
He doesn't have classic 'autism' traits in the manner that he makes eye contact, acknowledges his name (from everyone but me - lol), shows emotion according his age, and is interested in things within his age group - he isn't as withdrawn as I thought he was. I do need to find a playgroup for him and we may be assigned a certain place for him. We are moving forward and that's half the battle but we have a long road ahead of us.

Thanks everyone for reading this, thinking of us, praying for us and commenting. It means a lot to have a place to be able to express what we are going through.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

here we go

I wrote a post about my sons new adventure with Dr's appointments & I'm happy to say that with all my due diligence we start speech tomorrow! We have our evaluation and we have our first appointment. I'm super nervous and excited for him. While completing the paperwork for tomorrow - I realized a couple of important factors that I hadn't thought of before. While my husband is gone I don't have anyone to talk too on a daily basis. Actually it's been really quiet for the past year and with that the lack of conversation in the home - I think it hurt him. While phone calls were sparse and while the bulk of talking is through texting and posts; he didn't hear them. I can talk to him all the time in a store but he's not hearing the volley of a conversation. I'm also aware that the lack of playing with other kids has hurt him too. I have made a point to take him to the park but all he really wanted to do was swing. I did attempt the Y very briefly - with not being able to work out and attending a swim class - there wasn't a lot of interaction.
I'm starting to see my faults here and that is super hard. Going through the motions of the day to day grind I missed the interactions, the volley of a real conversation. He thrives on the ipad games and his movies because it's conversation and I have once saw it - until now. With having little dude we have had people here for a solid 8 weeks now and we have had a volley of conversations. His verbal output has improved greatly! We went from saying two words to adding two more - Momma and "get down". He has also been trying to say his letters and his numbers and added extra grunts for other things. HOW did I miss this vital piece? 
You try to do things the best you can and when you see that you failed your child in basic things - man that stings. The good part is that I can move forward and adjust where I need too. PLUS the fact that Dad is on his way home will help with conversation flow. We have the therapy to teach the BOTH of us on how to adjust and move forward. I've joined a couple of mom groups through a new church I've been trying out. I've also got some other pans in the fire to see if that works.

I'll keep you all posted. 

Thursday, June 1, 2017

6 weeks postpartum

Funny. I have about 25 min before the baby erupts in ear curdling screams b/c he thinks I'm going to starve him. New meaning of waking up in a hurry on my behalf.. good lord kiddo give me a moment to get my shirt off.. sheesh.
I went to the OB today for my six weeks postpartum check up.. say what?! How has it been six weeks?! I tore part of my stitches at some point so I have an additional two weeks before I can return to regular business. Meaning not lifting more than 25 pounds, no tubs or pools, and he said I could briskly walk.. little does he know I've been doing way more than that for weeks now. (which is probably how I tore a stitch to begin with).  I was looking forward to focusing on getting back in shape.. I have a goal of being a MILF.. hey! don't laugh.. we all have dreams. lol
After my appointment I went to the commissary - without any kids - and I got hit on. Not just anyone but a upper rank!! That's so huge to me b/c I only get hit on by the young kiddo's - so getting hit on by a more mature man made me feel so distinguished. Yes, I'm weird but it's a whole new milestone when it's a dude out of his mid 20's. My self esteem needed the boost. Also noting it shouldn't have made me feel so good but 6 weeks after having my second kid! It was a major boost.

As I wrote before that I'm trying to redefine my life now that I've accomplished my overall goal to having kids. I bet infertility through invitro and I'm searching for who I am. My kids & my husband are a big part of who I am but I feel I need to rediscover who I really am and put my life in perspective. I'm still soul searching but being a Momma to these two little boys is pretty amazing. Well Little Dude just sounded his alarm and I have to go feed him.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Drs and Stuff.

5/24/17
I've been dealing with Dr's offices all week.
Little Man's Dr. (PCM) signed and approved a developmental screening & speech therapy. They paperwork was signed and sent to the developmental office. That office called and said that the PCM missed one page but they wouldn't be able to see little man for 4-6 months. He suggested that we call a neighboring hospital to see what their waiting time was. I called the other hospital, Rady's Children - or just Rady's - and it's a month wait. So I called our PCM's office back and got all the paperwork faxed to our insurance co, Tricare, to move all his stuff to Rady's. Pending insurance approval we were moving in the right direction! (Tuesday)
I called Tricare the next day to hear that we were approved to move forward with going to Rady's for the developmental screening and speech. I didn't get the approval code.. So then I called Rady's to set up our appointment and get him on the waiting list. They didn't have paperwork for little man but could look it up with Tricare's approval code number. So I called Tricare back and got the approval code, then called Rady's back and got a voicemail. (Wednesday)
Rady's called to let me know that all they got was an approval for the developmental evaluation not the speech. They had an opening within the week for speech but needed the approval number from Tricare to book the slot. No appointment was made for the evaluation even though all the paperwork is there (why? I don't know because I was focused on what they didn't  have). Called Tricare and they didnt' have a speech request either. Called Dr's office to request a write up for speech so that we could get the appointment for next week.. they had to get the PCM to sign off on it. (Thursday)
Tricare still hasn't received PCM's approved request for speech. Can't book the next week appointment for next week. Still waiting on a call back to book eval appointment - even though we have had the approval # from the insurance co. (Friday)
________________________
I had an appointment for little dude today at the same PCM's office. We went to check weight. So when little Dude was born he weighed 9.2lbs and while in NICU for five days - he dropped to 7.2lbs. At our two week check up, (two weeks ago) he had gained weight and got back to 9lbs. Today they weighed him in at 9.59lbs meaning that in two weeks he hasn't even gained a whole pound. It sounds way worse then what it actually is. He has having trouble eating and would just scream after eating for at least a week. Then I bumped him ml's up to 80 per feed and stopped drinking Dr Pepper.. his crying stopped. I think I just had to much caffeine for his little body.. so yea I get that. Anyway the Dr we saw, which isn't our assigned PCM, suggested that I stop feeding him breast milk and just feed him formula due to the insignificant weight gain. Man, this kid eats every three hours and drinks 80ml a feeding. Has at least 8-10 (if not more) wet diapers a day and three are also poopy.  I don't know how he couldn't have gained more then a pound... but he didn't.
I refused. I refused to stop feeding my child breast milk. Why? because he grew 2.25 inches since birth, has gone up a while diaper size and can now wear 0-3 month clothing (which he couldn't a week and a half ago). I know my child is bigger today than two weeks ago and I'm not going to stop giving him the milk that he needs. I got to 6 weeks with Little Man before my milk dried up, so I'm going as long as I can with Little Dude. The Dr did note that if Little Dude hadn't reached his weight goal in three weeks, because they are super concerned if they'll go three more weeks, then they will want him strictly on formula at that time. As if they could make me and without a perscription paying for the formula.. that's not going to happen if I'm producing enough to feed him.
_________________
My friend's Dad passed away this week - the family we go to Arizona to see all the time,  but I'm not ready to talk about it yet.
__________________________
The good news is - we are so much closer to the husband coming home.
I joined the San Diego branch Linus blanket group. Linus blanket's are the blankets you receive while in NICU for Children. My sister who is out now is a part of the Houston, Texas Linus blanket group and I couldn't think of a better way to give back and use my skill of making blankets. Super cool.
We are getting closer to getting 4 hours in between feedings and little Dude is allowing me to get sleep at night.
I'm down 35 pounds since giving birth to Little Dude five weeks ago! Non of my pants fit and I'm hoping I can keep dropping so I can go shopping soon!!

 


Monday, May 22, 2017

Non-Verbal

Little man is about to turn two in July.
I'll start off with recognizing our family has been through a lot of change in his first year. Dad left, and came back, and left and came back, and left (etc) throughout this past year. Yes, it's been almost a year of him coming and going. We had a baby brother during this year as well. I'm not oblivious of the big changes.
During this year we started off with apx twelve words. Momma, Dada, Bella, Dog, Kitty, Cat, go, Dulie (for Julie), Arthur, and uh-oh. I started noticing around 18 months, after Christmas, that he wasn't talking as much. I also started noticing he only played with two toys.. both he could spin on the ground and made noise. I looked into an echo sensory because that's what it seemed like. We started swim back in Feb, again after Dad came and left a second time, and he cried at every lesson. Then he started plugging his ears and refusing to go in the water or be under water - which is very typical for children - IMO. I also started noticing that he wasn't really playing with other kids, not that we are around that many. We were going to a church social where the first 45 min we co played parents and kids - and he didn't seek the children out to play with. He actually had no interest and stayed to himself but I thought it was because he was a non-walker and all the others were. Even after he started walking he didn't gravitate to the kiddo's. I also started noticing and hearing from the day care worker that all he did for the next 45 min was cry. I thought it was because of nap time but also realized he wasn't trying to play with any of the other kids. We stopped going to the group because of that and because the day care worker complained about his constant crying.
Little man became obsessed with Dory & I tried to incorporate water as much as possible. He loved bath time! I decorated his bathroom in Dory characters and for a moment I thought he was saying "fish". We'd watch Dory and his face would light up! Then I sought out aquariums, other fish movies, but he only wanted Dory and didn't seemed interested at all in the aquariums. We have a unspoken schedule and I noticed that if I went off that schedule he didn't seem to mind. I also noticed that he never asked for water, or juice, or food. He never complained about being in a carseat or stroller for a long period of time - which I tested by a 3 hour hair appointment. (to my defense I brought food, the ipad and he was directly in front of me the whole time. So I thought he didn't complain b/c his needs were being met). Although we got a ton of compliments on how well it was - it was odd.  Then friends started commenting on how their kids wouldn't have set that still or quiet for that length of time and I felt horrible. Out right horrible. Then I really started paying attention. Dissecting his every move, asking questions to other parents and people I new worked in the field with children.
Dad came home, we had a baby, and he changed even more. Now we have regressed to just saying "go" and "Dadda" but this time he doesn't seem to acknowledge Dad on facetime. He doesn't look up and smile, he doesn't blow bubbles and throw kisses. He just acts like he doesn't know he's on the ipad. Then the ipad became his obsession. He is really, really good at ipad games - some above his age level. Now the TV or movies are just a distraction but he's obsessed with his ipad games and throws major tantrums when I force him off of it. He still doesn't play with toys, he still doesn't talk or acknowledge his needs. He doesn't really seem to even acknowledge "Little Dude".
While the husband was home for his 20 days he also started to notice his quietness. My husband stated that Little Man never asked for food or juice. He never complained of a dirty or wet diaper. He never complained about going to the hospital for the day. He's just a very quiet kid. My sister J came into town and he never questioned her. He never hesitated or clung to me with her. He's met her once but they facetime off and on so I thought that's why he didn't have reservations. Dad left, J came.. and he never acted phased. Then my other sister V came and J left - all while he was sleeping - and he never hesitated. He doesn't try to interact with V like he did with J.. but he never got upset or questioned her getting him up or changing his routine.
We took him to the Dr and stated our concerns right after Dad left. We were met with different reactions ranging from annoyance that we were suggesting our child is special. One person even asking 'why we wanted our kid to be retarded".. yes that was the exact question. We keep hearing that we are 'worrying to much' or that 'kids talk on their own time' or that we are being 'paranoid because we know children with special needs'. Two year olds talk. Two year olds babble, they play pretend, they play with cars and make crashing noises. They mimic a cat or a dog. They laugh outloud or rush to a window to see the garbage man.  They get mad because they wanna walk and explore.
A child isn't usually tested before the age of 2 for any special needs.. including autism. Our regular pediatrician had heard my concerns for the past year and agreed to get him in for a evaluation - 'that could take some time'. It's been two weeks and nothing has been done but a hearing test appointment made. I don't want something to be 'wrong' with my child. I don't want him to be different and put under a microscope. I don't want him to be different in our society and bullied because he learns different or talks different. I want to help my child. I want my child to ask for food, or a drink. I want him to tell him he wants to play or he is dirty/wet. I want to understand my child's feelings and I want him to get the help he needs as soon and as early as possible.
I'm hoping and praying that the stories I hear are real.  I pray that one day he just wakes up talking, I pray that one day he runs up and gives me a hug (which he doesn't do). I want him to respond to his name and turn around to point to what he wants. His form of asking for a kiss is lowering his forhead to your mouth - which seems like he's headbutting your face.
My heart hurts for all the what if's for various reasons - and non of which is towards him, exactly. I hurt because I don't want him to be bullied, I want him to be understood and have friends. I want him to have relationships with people and make friends with other kids. I don't want my child going through this harsh life labeled but I do want him to receive the help he needs to excel. I don't want to compare him to his brother and secretly looking for delays in Little Dude too. I'm hurting because these are all very viable things but I have to do what's best for my child. The child that I love so dearly. The child that lights up my world with his smile and his sweet disposition. The little boy that just wants to be swung on a swing and chased by older kids. The little boy who seems to laugh when he's being hurt (by other kids) because he's naive and doesn't seem the darkness in their words.
So there it is my omission to the world that their is something going on with my oldest son. That we are looking into developmental testing and hearing tests. That we are entering a whole new chapter and territory that is down right scary as hell. A chapter where I'll need to surround myself, 110%, by supportive and understanding people just to make my lifes child better and stronger.
God, I pray that you are hearing my cry. I pray that you are guiding me to met new people who will build us up and help us grow. Lord I ask and ask for your guidance and patients as we start this journey. You set this path for us long before we knew a child would in our life and I am just asking for a simple shred of love and support.  I'm asking for friends/people who will support our new chapter and that we figure out how to help Little Man grow and flourish.