Tuesday, August 13, 2019

laundry & dishes.

Hellloooo!! 


I shared my post 'positive' not that you would feel sorry for me but so that I can share where I'm at to share my growth. I AM growing, I AM a work in progress as long as I am on this Earth. Whatever you are going through right now is growth. It doesn't have to make sense now, it doesn't have to be easy, but when you enter that next chapter of growth.. you'll understand it. I'm not giving up because I feel lonely, I'm going to keep pushing through because there is a reason. 



I am not going to tell life is all roses and htat if you are in a bad situation you should stick it out 'because it gets better". That's a lie. I'm not being abused, I'm not drowning in debit, I'm not a an alcoholic or a drug addict. <- those are bad situations.. I'm just lonely. 
I found this facebook group called "Mother like a boss" and it has really helped me use my time correctly to accomplish my goals without being a human Ostrich. 

So lets talk laundry. 
I struggle with staying focused. 
I struggle with creating a rhythm in my daily routines. 
I struggle with having a 'squirrel' moment and losing my day.
 One of the biggest things I see on FB groups in the constant complaint of laundry. 
You too?  It is funny. It is true. 
Dishes and laundry... they are the chores that never end.
So I decided was to tackle these chores & make them my bitch. 


 I got baskets for each of us, the towels & the sheets.   
 I started doing the load from the previous day the NEXT day. 
So whatever the kids, the husband & I wore on Monday gets washed Tuesday Morning. 
I start the load at 6am and it's folded AND put away while the kids eat breakfast around 8 am.
 Then I start with sheets or whatever my 'extra' is and I'm done around 10am.
 FOR THE DAY!
We have a green basket that is our catch all. 
When it comes off - it goes in that basket or the empty washer.
 I also wash my towels separately from my clothing.
This works for me


Dishes?? 
I empty my dishwasher every morning while I wait for the coffee to make. Then as the day goes.. I rinse off the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. Then when dinner is over we just start the ONE & ONLY load of dishes for the day. Five of us & one load. 
BUT I pre-make my meals (next post) so I don't have pots & pans to wash in the evening.

It has been a journey figuring out what works for me and this works!   
My table stays clear of stacked clothing & my sink stays clear of cluttered dishes. 
AND it makes me feel so accomplished.

I hope this helps someone else come up with way to lighten your own loads. (haha)
Have a great day!! 





Wednesday, August 7, 2019

positive...



Helllllllooooooo!! 

I am in a real bad way needing a change. Like a full all over change. Like gutt it all and start over. As we all know 'change' is hard. You can change it all but if the surroundings don't change.. then reverting is very possible. 


While I will say that I love my children. Outside of that I feel very alone. Extremely alone. My two friends moved away, it's hard to start new friendships. My husband works hard and provides for us but has a better relationship with his phone then me. On that same note .. I don't do anything to really talk about so......... I'm alone. Alone w my thoughts, feelings, insecurities. Alone with my accomplishments, alone with my goals...
I go to the store alone, nail shop alone, Target alone, grocery shopping alone. the zoo with my kids alone. 


As we go through the reno we are throwing something things l realized that I have grown & changed so much in the past 9 years. I think i feel sad because I have feeel like I have changed alone. That is sad. BUT I am tired of being alone. I'm tired of being sad. I have this amazing life but I'm alone. I'm struggling.. gosh have I been struggling. Struggling to feel important past my kids, struggling to find my worth, struggling to be needed and wanted and have someone, ANYONE, who wants to be around me. A person to share my life, a life that I feel is very insignificant.
 (( Let me stop and say that I'm NOT suicidal)) 


SO lets start from the top.
I have decided to change some things up. I've decided to get up earlier then usual. I've decided to start a version of the KETO diet. I've decided to MAKE myself leave the house at least once a week. 
I am the queen of online ordering.. groceries, clothing.. I'm such a fan of online grocery orders.
I've decided to put more of myself first. I get up earlier - get my coffee & a shower. I feel energetic & I feel that I can't MAKE myself have friends but I can make myself better - stronger. Maybe I need this time to really get to know myself better, stronger and that's the route I'm gonna take. 

Guys.. I'm trying. Somethings gotta change & I'm trying 

















Thursday, July 25, 2019

almost done!




guys!!!!
We have floors!! 
We have all the rooms except the master completed!! 
We gotta lay the master closet and bedroom. 
After that it's replace the baseboards throughout the whole house 


Our kitchen counters arrive next week... waaaahooooo
 I can't explain how insane it is to have to go to the BATHROOM to get the dog water. 
Our bathroom has been our kitchen catcher. 
I do dishes in there, I rinse out bottles, fill water jugs (for the dogs).. 
the only thing we aren't using the bathroom for is... well bathroom stuff.
Since we have 3.. one is ONLY being used for the kitchen overflow. 


I think the floors are gorgeous!
 I of course already miss my crazy rugs and have put one in the boys room (above) and the playroom. I actually REALLY miss my kitchen rug and I might replace that one as well. It was a great crumb catcher & I love the extra design element.


That's all I got folk's. We are chugging through the mess and trying to make time to create summer memories. We did find time to hit the beach this weekend. With three very independent kids & two adults - it wasn't relaxing but the kids had a GREAT time! Next week we will tackle the zoo (weather pending) & possibly a splash pad day. 



Amy



Wednesday, July 10, 2019

full remodel


One day I decided that we needed new floors. The carpets were just grrrroooossss. I literally have it in my cleaning schedule to shampoo carpets on Thursday's. I got tired of the brush off so I got the ball rolling and mad did it roll..


We ripped out all of the carpets in our 4 bedrooms house, the living room & the kitchen tile floor!! Ourselves. We decided to do the demo and install ourselves and save that money; which went back into the house. Other then a couple people helping - my husband has done it on his own. 



We realized that the kitchen cabinets were sitting on flooring .. so we removed the counters, the cabinets and placed the cabinets back. We currently do NOT have a counter top, sink or really a functioning kitchen. It has been glorious chaos. 
***********


We currently have 70% of the house refloored.. the living room got re-painted too 




the inspector signed off on our counter today & it will be installed in TWO weeks - along w the new sink and faucet. We also are adding a new backsplash. I am so delirious with excitement! I got everything that I wanted and I'm so anxious to get it all up and in place. 




We decided at the last moment to not replace the bathroom flooring, which was the same as the kitchen tile, until we do the bathroom reno's.

Everyone has done really good! The kids have really adapted and love the chaos. They have no issues with toys everywhere. They have no issues eating out 4 nights out of 7. They have had no problem with reorganizing or rearranging their rooms. These little kiddo's are troopers!!

I will NOT miss doing dishes out of the bathtub ANY time soon. I had to close off the front bathroom b/c eww gross. So only dishes are allowed. The dishwasher is up and running as well - so that has helped keep things sanitized.


So that's what's been going on since I wrote last. We've got things everywhere and anywhere. My house is going to be fabulous once we are done. I know my husband didn't love spending all that money but I sure do appreciate it! I'm sure he'll also be happy when all of this is over so he can relax and rest when he gets home. 

Amy      



















Thursday, May 30, 2019

Empire

Last year I read Rachel Hollis' amazing book "Girl, wash your face". Upon the finale chapters I realized that I didn't have a goal. I didn't have a empire to grow & nature. I got really down on myself & thought of career's past being a Mom. I sought out schools and degree's to obtain before my husband hits retirement so I could take 'my chance'. I did find a career, by all accounts, that really sings to me. Unfortunately it's 'unobtainable' right now and that set me in a tail spin. I felt useless and hopeless. I felt like I had missed my chance prebaby to find my career and give it the attention it needed. To add to that the more people I told about my goal tore me down. Reminded me how busy I was and that my goal was unobtainable for various reasons and I believed them.  I allowed those words to seep into my soul and took them for the real. I soaked the words up like a sponge, because after all, they are my support team.

A couple of months later I sought out personal therapy & marriage therapy because I felt my life was spiraling out of control with no meaning. I didn't (and don't) feel like I have a support system to obtain my goals. Big or small, here or later. That hit me even harder in my slump. I lost my mission because I felt like I was a failure. I started thinking that I couldn't bring anything into a relationship, I had nothing to offer. If we were to go out to dinner the only conversation I had to contribute to was cleaning & kids. I saw myself just making these elaborate circles through my day but not accomplishing anything. That needed to change. 

One day while shampooing carpets it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. My house & kids were my empire. Everything I applied, daily, was to create and maintain the empire I had created. My goal for years was to have a family & here I was saying my life had no meaning because I didn't have more. That my friends is ludicrous.  So I found new facebook groups tailored to scheduling, meal plans, cleaning, and I found a bomb parenting group. I realized that I have wasn't going to have a picture perfect house & by learning tricks & tips I could be more efficient.

So I decided to revamp it all. I listened to my personal therapist tell me that my new goals and admission was unrealistic and unobtainable so I fired him. I absolutely feel like our marriage therapist is a god send and made me see that I'm a really shitty wife. Most importantly I need to see that what I am doing right now is important. Every mindless, endless, and tiring chore is for a reason & means something. So here I am to say that dreams and goals matter. That you need to push through and figure out where you need to be at this moment. Having future goals is great and obtaining smaller ones is great too. Self validation is important and knowing people have your back is too. Creating simple ways to help you achieve those smaller goals is ok.

I hope you follow me through growth. Maybe you can teach me something that has worked for you. Nothing is unobtainable - to be a Dr you need years or school and medical rounds. Like that .. it may mean you have to master smaller goals before you achieve your overall goal.


Hope you follow along.




Amy

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

RESET


I wasn't sure if I was going to renew my domain & blog. I was thinking about getting a whole new name and domain & starting over. I have a month to really decide what I'm going to do but I want to reset the content.
It's easy for me to complain. It's easy for me to share all the bs and forget about the good. It's really easy to get caught up with sharing all the ways I feel like I fail. 
I feel like the majority of these past posts are just sad. My depression & that mindset are huge players in my life. It's easy to get swept out into that winding road even when I intend to write a uplifting post. To a degree there is a lot of negativity on the surface but I'm determined to rise above that natural complaining portion of my life. I don't want to share the downs of my life but what I'm truly into and focus on. Don't get me wrong.. change is hard. It takes 21 days to change a pattern and your mindset. It's gonna be a challenge.

So what am I going to share?
I'm into organizing, schedules, meal preps and plans, efficient lunches & dinners, efficient grocery trips, cleaning schedules & my favorite - laundry schedules. Maybe a little bit about marriage.
I'm not a soy, grain free, everything fresh kinda gal and if I buy organic it was more or less a accident. I believe in efficiency because my kids are little. I personally believe I can kick the chicken nuggets into 'grown up' chicken soon enough. So what I'm saying is.. I'm not a crunchy Mom.

So I encourage you to join the next chapter as I share household tricks, open up about parenting, and recreate myself into what I want. I want to say that I am not perfect, and don't pretend to be, I just wanna share a real part of myself and see what happens. I encourage you to leave comments and advice. I encourage you to share personal experiences or ideas you have tried out. Fell free to ask questions ..



Sunday, May 19, 2019

2 month update.

WOW!! Guys it's been 2 months!! Almost two whole months!!

We got that puppy. We named him Rollie. He is the most amazing dog we have had to date. He has been super easy to train, got along with our existing pups super fast & has been a great joy. I just got to get his nipping under control b/c he has a hard time switching from playing with the pups to the kids.
My daughter turned 1. She is just .. amazing. She is both happy and grumpy. She is ridiculously smart & boy am I in trouble. Her favorite word is NO and she uses it A LOT and she is quick to remind you that she is the baby.

My middle child turned 2 and he is the sweetest child. He is such a boy but is so sensitive. His love for animals is just incredible. His favorite at the moment is a LION and he loves to 'roar'. He recently discovered dinosaurs and it's adorable.


My oldest child is just so busy. He goes to all these therapies and is just blossoming. He is talking SO much & if you can put it to a song he will repeat it. His love for music is not surprising but it's so incredible to hear him sing along. We have a ways to go before he says full sentences but he is getting there. We have been working on potty training & it's going.. I honestly thought this would be a faster process but he is really doing good.

The husband and I found a great marriage therapist. It's been helping us so much. As a military family we don't really think about 'time lost'. Our counselor did a time line, that showed us that we have only spent a year & a half together.. without roomies. So over the past 9 years .. only a year and half together. That really opened our eyes to how we have grown.. but apart. It has been a journey. We have had to really force ourselves to 'date' again and get to know one another. It sounds so silly but we have spent so much time apart.

My personal growth has really been focused around my home. I spend a lot of time cleaning, organizing, formulating schedules. I have forgotten who I am outside of these walls. I have forgotten the simple joys of the outside world. I think my focus has been on my home & making babies for so long that I put myself on the shelf. Although I like the things that I have, I do struggle. I struggle to keep my house to the vision I have created. My home is full and it's on the cluttered side. It drives me insane... literally insane. I feel like I am constantly throwing away, donating, giving away. Our children are growing so fast but because they are so close together - you can't just trash the before while bringing in the new. The baby is still on a bottle and the oldest is on to cups. So the huge variety causes clutter.
I think my biggest downfall is the noise. The noise from other people who don't understand where I'm at. The feedback that is negative and just unwanted. I am aware that I have three small kids but I still expect to have a certain standard. I'm not above ordering groceries, I'm not above chicken nuggest and food pouches but I can't stand an unorganized space. It makes me feel nervous. I also put a lot on pressure on myself because my oldest has in home therapy 4 days a week. I don't want to have a messy, unorganized home and so I filter through pinterest to find solutions. I think I have a good routine down now. We have organized a lot but we aren't even close to where I want.

So in therapy my biggest challange is trying to figure out who I am outside of being a Mom and that is hard. Stupid hard. My biggest goal in life was getting to where I am now & my new goal is managing this life the best way I can. I don't let people make me feel bad as a parent b/c to each their own. I do get a little down when I meet new people and I don't have a lot to share outside of my kids. I'm all about convenience... all about it. I'm all about music & coffee & baseball caps. I'm all about being comfy and reasonable not cute and in style.  I'm about going to the beach, the park, the zoo.. whatever puts a smile on my kids faces. I'm in love with air bnb's and I'll book a get away any chance I can. I like to sip on rum & dr pepper while watching my kids play. I'm silly simple.

For Mother's Day I hired someone to help clean the house & she is coming tomorrow. I'm excited to have some help. I'm going to finish this episode of 'Naked and Afraid' and go to bed.
Thank you for reading ... please stop & say hi...







Thursday, March 21, 2019

Communication.

This past weekend I got into a HUGE fight with my husband over a puppy.
Yep, a puppy.
This puppy. We both agree'd via text messages that we were buying THIS dog. We were going to let our middle child have it for his birthday. We both agreed this dog needed to be walked, trained, and even talked about getting it a certificate for emotional support for my oldest. We agreed that I would pay the deposit that night to secure the puppy.

The next day he facetimed me to let me know that he has no intentions of walking the dog. He said the dog wouldn't be his anyway so he didn't understand why he needed to take on the extra chore. He went on to say that he was angry b/c we agreed that the next big dog would be a 'bull mastiff'. He said that he wanted our son to have the dog, but didn't want to help take care of it.. at all.

My head exploded. What I heard him say is because it's not what I want I'm not going to help. How could he be so selfish? We never agreed on a Bull Mastiff because it's not a breed I want. The golden was for our boys. They are great with autistic children and my two younger ones. I have literally been asking for a golden since 2015. What I heard him say is this is just another thing you have to juggle while I sit on the couch. I also heard I'm going to complain and say this was your decision every time you complain about the workload.  I lost my mind. My brother talked me out of calling the lady and refunding the puppy we hadn't received. I talked myself out of returning the puppy items I had already purchased. I even sent him a email explaining my plans of action.

My husband facetimed me later that night. He bluntly told me I was being crazy. Which you can imagine set me off again.. how dare he! Then went on to explain that because he is going to another ship and will be deploying again I will be left with the majority of the responsibility. He said b/c of his absence the dog wouldn't bond with him and he it wouldn't be his dog. He said that I already complain about my two, and my brothers two dogs, and he didn't want to hear more complaining about the extra work load. (Truth bomb.. my brother moves out the next week.. and his dogs go with him. His dogs are NOT  100% potty trained which means I already have to retrain mine. Which was prefect time to introduce a puppy and do all the training together. ((Also my dogs are pretty good about not messing in the house, it's the chewing up baby toys that I have a issue with)).
I want this dog. I understand I am taking on the extra training and vet visits and etc. I just thought it would be a good family investment.  I thought we were agreeing to take this dog on family walks and I could envision us playing together in the yard.. I thought he was saying he couldn't and wouldn't do those things or see those things.

At the end of the day I feel like a huge dramatic jerk. I feel like if we had communicated, instead of thinking we knew what the other was thinking, this could have all be avoided. After he explained his actual thought process. THIS whole event caused us to sit and really talk about our communication with each other. THIS event made us realize that we have been 'adlibbing' what we thought the other meant or was going to say. THIS single event made us realize that we still need to keep trying and not just let the other interprete what we think the other means. It also made me realize that we focus so much on the kids that we aren't taking care of each other. That we aren't connected to that esp level and maybe we should really work on that.

So.. this past weekend I bought a puppy and I learned that my husband and I need to communicate better. I have no idea what I'm going to name the furball,. the puppy not my husband, but I am really excited to add this to our story. I'm excited to see how this chapter will be written.

How do you are your significant other communicate? What are ways that you communicate with your spouse in a healthy manor? WHAT DO I NAME THIS PUPPY????

Saturday, March 16, 2019

encourage.

ENCOURAGE:
to give one support, hope, confidence.
to help stimulate (an active, state, or view) to develop

I know my last two posts are big downers. Life isn't always a bed of roses. Sometimes life can be dark and bleak. Sometimes it's a struggle for people to get out of bed. Sometime we feel so alone that we have lost the gumption and joy for life.

BUT

We make choices everyday. We make choices to laugh or smile. We make choices to brighten someone's day with a call or a small gesture. We make the choice everyday to stay in the dark or force ourselves into the light. Some times it isn't that easy and we need help to push ourselves..

I encourage you to call a friend this weekend. I encourage you to help your neighbor. I encourage you to take your kids to a park, or for ice cream or to rent a movie. I encourage you to call your Grandparents, or your parents, and tell them hi & that you love them. I encourage you to say "HI" to a stranger & genuinely complement them. I encourage you to take a hot dish to a new Mommy in your church or even on your street. You don't have to know them, you don't have to be best friends with them.. but that sentiment speaks volumes!!
If you have been feeling like I have lately.. then I encourage you to go outside. I encourage you to call someone to talk to. I encourage you to find inspirational/uplifting quotes to help you out of bed. I encourage you to get out of your house … to do something that used to bring you joy. Call a friend for lunch, grab a cup of coffee.. whatever. Pay for the coffee for person behind you at Starbucks or a local coffee shop.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. So I encourage you to reach out to someone this weekend and to bring purpose to making their day better. We have a lot of towns, cities and states - covered in snow, some flooded, some are dealing with natural disasters. Find a way to contribute - to brighten someone else's day. Spring cleaning is around the corner.. donate some blankets, food, clothing..

Whatever you chose to do.. remember that the smallest act of kindness goes so far.
I will be donating our baby items this weekend. I'll be prepping our yard for the kids to start going back out to play. I will be cleaning out the dark corners of the house to bring in happiness and brightness.

Friday, March 15, 2019

I gave up.


Remember when we were 18 and we thought we'd have it all together as adults? Remember when our parents said no to those Spring Break weeks and we pouted for months? I still wish I had gone on them because I didn't in my 20's or early 30's. Now I'm 37 with a mortgage, car payment .. the weight of all adult responsibility and being a single parent (75% of the time) to 3 small kiddos. This is not the life I had envisioned stomping around at 18.
There isn't a magic backspace button where we can go back and redo. Without taking our future knowledge back with us, I don't think we'd change a thing - realistically. I can 'wish' I had done this or that.. but it's a wasted wish. The hard part is figuring out how to change the future to put you on the path you need, or want, to be. Like there are days I regret no focusing on a career. There are days I feel I waisted with all the fertility treatments in my 20's and the unknown lingering over my head. I question why having a career was never triggered with my desire to have kids. I mean how did I expect to take care of them?  I wish I had taken that energy and put into something that I could still obtain today. I hope that I share this with my kids and they keep in with them. That ship hasn't sailed for me yet but I just feel ignorant for not caring.
At some point I gave up. At some point I kept hearing "you have two small kids - give yourself a break".. then #3 came. Now I hear "you have 3 small babies and a lot on your plate". To me though that doesn't justify the slacking. That doesn't justify giving up. I gave up on a lot. It's not just household stuff that simply got away from me. It's not just the friends that somehow got lost in transit. It's not just feeling overwhelmed or mentally exhausted all the time. It's not just realizing that you are alone, with three small babies, 90% of the time. It's not just all the appointments and therapies and Dr's visits. It's all of it rolled up in a hairy, slimy ball that's been under the couch for years. Sectioned off it's not unobtainable, but together it feels overwhelming.
I gave up physically. I did try for a moment after my first born. I did want to look the "mommy" part and wear khakis and blazers. I did try fake eyelashes and play around with makeup and hair routines. I did join a gym and tried to pretend like I cared about losing weight. Every time we stepped in that gym and it wasn't about my son I felt Mommy guilt. I wanted to do the hiking mommy groups. I wanted to do the beach play dates and walk our babies along the strand. I wanted to experience zoo days and park play dates. That never happened.
Then number 2 came around the same time the diagnosis came for my oldest. Then right as I started to get the groove of having 2 small kids and all the billion appointments, I found out I had created my unicorn baby. Should have been the time of my life, should have been one of the most celebrated moments of my life and it wasn't.
Why? because I was alone. I was left to handle it all. I was left to beg and beg for help. Instead of help I got "why not care.com", or 'why not order your groceries', "you've got this" or 'if it was meant to be it would fall into place'. The more I heard that I wasn't getting the help I was begging for .. I gave up.  To me not one person cared enough to stop and help me unload groceries. Not one person cared enough to come over and chat with me or just help around the house. Not one person cared enough to drop off a hot meal, or ask if I needed anything, or offered to help. Not one person bothered to pick up a damn phone and ask how I was doing. That broke me. It broke me in a million bitter, angry, uncontrollably sad pieces.
My therapist asked me what my breaking point was. It was during my second pregnancy when I was begging, literally begging, people to fly out and help w my oldest son while I gave birth to my second. Knowing I would require a C-section, knowing my oldest needed care, knowing my husband was on deployment and couldn't come home. Begging and offering paid plane tickets, offering a free guest room & all the accommodations they needed just to be with me after my second child was born. To this day that still makes me angry and teary eyed. Don't get me wrong, it all came together, but that feeling.. that empty heartbreaking feeling.. has never left me. That absolutely vulnerable moment where I genially needed something.. broke me. Fast forward almost two year since my 2nd son was born and it's still the same.

At the end of this amazing vent sesh… I will say this. I will heal. I will learn to care again. I will learn to forgive. I have learned to be a better friend. I have learned to call people, on the actual phone, and see how they are doing. I have learned to take a hot meal to a new mommy.

but I have still given up.