Tuesday, January 22, 2019

i feel

I wake up everyday with the same optimistic view that I had the day before
today will be better
The problem is.. my mind set hasn't changed past that.
If I can't change the way that I see myself, or think about how others view me, then tomorrow I'll feel just as defeated as I did today. Truth is most days I feel like I am expected to fail. Fail about being a parent, fail at being a Mom, fail at finances... but why? Because my life, my household, isn't filled with positivity. We, myself included, don't life one another up or complement each other. We are quick to point out faults and things we didn't like. My husband does say at least once a week that I'm a good Mom; so that's a positive. When I tried this a couple of weeks ago my husband actually took it as I was being a smart ass instead of uplifting.
I painted my back door with Dry Erase paint.
Every day I write, on my back door, the goals I have for either the day or the week. I write them for all to see - in hopes that someone else will jump in and help - but to also see the things I do. I know the sterotype centered around stay at home Moms/Wifes. I 'felt' that I need to prove I was contributing to the household and to list it out. (sad and pathetic I know). I love my door. I also feel that the same door opens me up to be under a microscope. "Oh you didn't get the car washed today.. hmmm" judgement of my day. "Oh you didn't make it to the store today?" another judgment "What happened?" feeling of judgement and now anger that I have to explain myself.  "Did you go get your depo shot today?" judgment again & It's none of your damn business (more anger). I opened myself up to be under the microscope when I used my back door as my to do list but damn do I feel judged. Damn do I feel that I get asked more about why I didn't complete a task then a "good job" when it is done.
I'm SO tired of feeling judged. I'm So tired of being expected to answer to someone else who "works outside the house" as to why I didn't get something done. (enter resentment). I'm so tired of not being backed up, being supported, to being understood, to being thanked for the stuff I do accomplish.
I didn't have to get my two kids out the door today, after my oldest was on the school bus, to go grocery shopping. I didn't have to take out Chicken for dinner tonight. I didn't have to search pinterest for a 'good' Keto Chicken dinner to fix and serve and then clean up after everyone is done. but that's your JOB as a SAHM and it's your JOB to cater to the working. ((that's what I really hear in my head)).
 
SO.
How do I flip the script?
How do I change the WHOLE dynamic in my home?
How do I change the whole feeling in my home?
How do I uplift with my husband and not come off as a jerk?
Guys.
this has got to change. The resentment that I have built up doing my
dream job?
THIS IS MY DREAM JOB so why am I so unhappy??
Why do I feel so threatened in my own home = which is making me so unhappy?
 
 
 
There seems to be a huge division at play at the moment but there is also a lot of change too. The change is more internal then external but I'm suddenly seeing things clearer then normal. Changes are coming my friends.. bare with me.. 2019 is going to be a whirlwind!
 
 
 

Monday, January 14, 2019

Changes for me.


Most days I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with 'to do's', appointments, things that aren't getting done, things my kids need. All the things that fall into my lap.. grocery shopping, meal prepping, scheduling.. 90% of all things I do are by myself. Running errands to personal things.. I was by myself without any adult conversation.
Most days I feel alone and isolated. My phone rarely rings unless a telemarketer is calling about solar panels. I feel I reach out to people more then people reach out to me. I sit in my home, with my kids, all day. Well we run errands but.. ya get it. My facebook rarely has a message waiting on me - 118 'friends' and not one message.  When my household returns they are tired, they want to just relax and I want some type of conversation that doesn't revolve around what we need from the store or what's for dinner. Most days I'm left alone with my thoughts & concerns running through my head.

Most days I stay in my pj's all day. Most days I don't put on a lick of makeup. I morning routine is to get up, brush my teeth, brush my hair & promptly put my hair back in a bun. Who see's me anyway? Who care's that I don't have any mascara on. I tell myself it's saving money because Clinique is expensive. I tell myself I'll ramp up my wardrobe after I lose some weight. I tell myself that it's dumb to wear a dress just to scrub floors. All are true to me.

I realized I wasn't happy. I realized that things that used to bring me joy didn't anymore. I realized that I'm in control of my happiness. I realized that facebook & Instagram, and even this blog, weren't making me happy. I realized that getting my hair done wasn't what I wanted to do anymore - I wanted to use that time in a chair on something different. I mean I only go once every 8 weeks but I didn't have the desire to do it anymore. I realized that while I love my acrylic nails I hate sitting in that chair by myself. Not that I don't enjoy it but I didn't like to go by myself.  90% of all things I do are by myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In December I decided to change it. To do what I wanted and to make myself happier.

In December I fired my hair dresser. I told her I wasn't coming around as much anymore, I told her that this wasn't where I wanted to spend my time or money. I told her that while she'd still get the business for my boys haircuts - I didn't want to sit in her chair, or anyone else's, anymore.

I decided to create a chore list in the house. I decided to only do 5 simple things, outside of the daily things, a day. Every adult here should have some type of responsibility so it doesn't just land on my shoulders. If you don't do it.. neither do I. I'm NOT putting your dirty dishes in the dishwasher, I'm NOT packing your lunch, I'm NOT changing out the washer/dryer for you. I'm not running errands for you. I'm not picking up certain things during the week for someone else. If I go to the store I'll get ya some creamer but I'm not making a special trip.. because they wouldn't for me.

I decided to join my husband with a game and blow off some steam. I bought him a Switch for Christmas but it was for me too. So I bought some games for us to play together & we sit and play games in the evening and some afternoons. It has been glorious. I look forward to the evenings and instead of watching TV we are doing something together.
I decided to get up earlier everyday. To take a shower, to put makeup on, to fix my hair.  I take the time to get myself together. I make a pot of coffee, empty the dishwasher, start breakfast for the kids.. I write a blog post....
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This was our first weekend back into our routine. We got a lot accomplished and a lot of organization done. We also go a lot of leisure time, which is new. I look forward to implementing these new changes and hope that I can figure out ways to be a happier and healthier me.




Thursday, January 10, 2019

Marriage.

Marriage is hard yo.

Marriage is work, it's compromise, it's balance, it's learning to communicate, and it's love.
I have been surrounded by conversations of divorce lately, from friends not me personally, and I'm just pondering.

My husband is the smartest man I know. He is also the most aggravating and annoying person I've ever met but he's mine. I made a choice to marry him, to take his last name, to take vows in front of God and promise for 'better or worse'.

Feel free to call me a hypocrite because I'm a divorcee but that's where I'm saying it's hard work.
I'm not a marriage expert, I'm not a marriage counselor, I haven't read a thousand books on marriages.. but I know it takes a lot for two people to stay united.

I want to say.. that while I seem so judge mental… I'm not. It's actually the opposite. We see movies and tv shows of people who make it all look so incredibly easy. We read books were couples stand together in the midst of a tragic situations and they stand strong. Then we enter real life and we see the struggle. That's not my problem either because all those things are entertainment not slide shows of real life.

My problem is.. we don't talk about it. Let me explain..
Sue: Hey Jane.. how are you?!
Jane: Good. How are you?
Sue" good.. how are you and Bill?
Jane: We are good. How are you & Ken?
Sue: we are good.

Ok... meeting in Target this is appropriate. You aren't going to say "Well Sue.. Bill pissed me off over the credit card statement and I needed to clear my head and wound up at Target.. you?" but why not?
Sue may say "Oh Ken & I have that argument every month too. I just try to hide the bill before he see's it, or I have tried to really curb my spending & to see his point on the situation".

So by just telling people all the good, the 'what they want to hear" we aren't being honest. My belief is that if we talked about the struggles, compromises, and solutions of marriage.. more people who are having struggles would know they aren't alone. I think that we sugar coat converstaions and keep them private when they shouldn't always be. To a 15 yr old marriage.. what is hard in a 5 yr marriage.. is silly. The 15 yr marriage has tackled the sock on the bathroom floor fight, the 'i'm more tired fight' and they can say.. it gets better. The problem is we aren't having real conversations in fear that we are the bad ones or the failures.. (IMO).

I'm going on 6 years in Feb. and I'm in no way a expert or have a perfect marriage.. it's anything but. We fight, we say mean things, we argue about bills, we do have fights about who's more tired. We fight over basic household chores, we fight over who didn't put gas in the car... but we resolve. I'm a 1000% believer in venting.. not to be a buzz kill but to ask for guidance. I'm also prone to telling you what he said and not that I made a 100 rude remarks, rolled my eyes, screamed and slammed a door. I'm more prone to saying what I did good.. getting up with the baby so he could sleep, not saying that I told the baby I love her more b/c I got up with her so that he could hear. I'm just as good at the jabs and punches as he is.

but why?

Why do we vow to love someone for the rest of our wordly years just to feel threatened, belittled or parented? Parented.. meaning my husband has a way of treating me like a child not his partner. Granted there are things that we dont' know until we say I do.. like that he likes to sleep in socks (eww) or that no matter how many clothes baskets you have.. his dirty socks will never make it in it. That's not everyone. Some men are the OCD partner some men are the spenders. Some men are the workaholics providing and not giving the relationship attention.. but so could the women.

Lately it seems people think the 'grass is greener on the other side' and simple things are worth the sweat and grit. My first marriage wasn't but this one is. Not because of kids but because there is a strength to us … when we are connected that is magical.


I have a lot more to add here but I'm going to stop. I'm going to say that if you are in a spot where you think it's not workable, if you fight a lot over things, if you feel overlooked and under valued.. talk to your spouse! Don't just give up and walk away.. fight for what you vowed.. fight for marriage. Talk to your friends, your parents.. a counselor. I just feel that more and more we are giving up when there is so much more fight to give. Fighting doesn't make your relationship bad, it's a way of talking when you've can't handle a situation anymore.

I do, however, want to say that if you are in a physically or verbally abusive relationship. If you are being cheated on or trust is lost for another reason. If you have seeked all levels of advice and help and it's not making you happy... then don't stay in the relationship. Don't feel pressured by friends or family to stay when you know it's wrong. It's just as easy for a outlooker to give you bad advice as it is to get good advice.



Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Why I love Target.

We love this symbol, some of us even get excited when we find one randomly.
It's the butt of jokes for women everywhere.
but why?
It's not because someone told me too. 
It's not because I'm a millennial, because I'm not
It's not because it's cool now that I have children. 

I love Target because: 
It's clean.
The shopping carts, for a majority, aren't broken & nasty
They have a Starbucks inside & popcorn & pizza!
I love that the store has a order and is clean.
 I love that you can find someone to help you if you need them.
I love that I feel safe taking my kids there. 
I love that I don't have pressure to buy something, they don't care if I walk around with my hot coffee and just buy a pair of socks.(like you could only leave with one item.)I love being able to get anything from toilet paper, to electronics all in the same place. 
I Love the book selections! 
My oldest is obsessed with books and it's so great to be able to find books for him.
I love that I can use the 'cartwheel app' and use coupons. 
Oh my goodness, the $1 isle is just the bee's knee's.
I love that they have a pharmacy in the store.
I love their kids clothes!
I love their workout clothing.
 I love that they will let you exchange diaper boxes for a bigger size, 
even if they didn't come from them. (but must be on a registry that they've never asked for).
My absolutely favorite thing about Target is that there is never a forever checkout line.  

Our family goes to Target a lot simply because they carry the big bottles of Honest Juice for Little Dude & I don't have to run to base.

I'm not really sure when Target became the 'go to' spot but it's probably because Wal-Mart got so bad. I'm just thankful that a place like Target exists and I am not forced to only shop at Wal-Mart for basically the same items. 






Sunday, December 16, 2018

2019 Plans

Happy Holiday's!! 
I wrote last week about making a post about my goals for 2019, but first I wanna recap our 2018 year. I also wanna share the link to my post, Goodbye 2017, from last year. 
My husband came home after being gone for basically two years in February. 
We had our amazing miracle baby girl in April.
Little Dude turned one in April. 
My brother & sister in law moved in with us. 
Little man turned 3 in July.
 We said 'see you later' to our best friends in July.
We drove to Texas in late August, via van, with all three kids and had a fabulous time.
I started this amazing book that has changed my whole outlook & helped me make some huge decisions moving forward. 

2019
Some of my goals for this year are also recaps from last year. 
1. Amazon:
2. De-Cluttering. 
3. Saving: 

I guess I need to take a second to explain the book change a little more. By reading "Girl, wash your face" by Rachel Hollis I realized that I didn't really have any future goals to work on. I decided that I wanted my own income .. just because. Well I have a lot of reasons but that leads to: 

4.School. 
I want to go to school and get my medical billing/coding certificate. It's about four months of online schooling and the plan is to tackle that in the Spring. My SIL & I decided to do the school together so that we can study together. Hopefully we start that sooner then later. 

5. Self. 
I am a huge believer in self maintenance. For year I have been coloring my hair blonde, getting my nails done and more. I have come to the decision that I don't want to get my hair done anymore. I can't stand wasting that time in a chair. I said my 'see ya later' to my hair girl about a week ago. I do plan on keeping my acrylic nails but I'm going to do it as a 'need to basis' instead of two week basis. It is supposed to help me destress.. I feel guilty the whole time I'm in the chair but I love the final outcome. 
If I can squeeze in the time, I think I'm going to re-up my Y membership. I just want to be selfish and go without the kids in the daycare area. I want to start/finish my school first. I also want the membership so that I can get the two little kids in swim lessons this year because I didn't get the boys in swim lessons at all this year. 
I also decided that as soon as we get back from vacation we are going full Keto. We are going to start with the lazy keto and move to the strict mid year. I want to also say that my husband started the beginning of the year and he has lost 30 pounds! So now that he has started it, it is a little easy to join in. 
I also plan to quit smoking, for real, this coming year. My Dr. already hooked me up with some medicine to help, and I'm ready. 

Those are my five things that I want to accomplish in 2019. I think I could add or embellish a little but I'm thinking I need more of a year of health care changes then anything else. I'm really ready to focus on getting back in shape, I mean I've been pregnant for like three Christmas out of four since 2014.. so yea my body could use some TLC. Those are my goals for 2019! Leave me a link for your goals so I can take a peek! 


Thursday, December 13, 2018

Woah.. time lapse

Hey... 
Ya know I rarely find time to time to stop and write you guys anymore. I feel sad about this and I promise that I will budget some time in 2019 to keep it updated.
Speaking of 2019...
I can't wait for this New Year.. I guess that's a good thing considering it's 17 days away! Every year on my birthday *which was a couple of days before Thanksgiving* I do my new years resolution list. Before I get to that I wanna say.. I'm not done going through the Rachel Hollis book "Girl, Wash your Face" I simply got stuck on the 'goals' chapter and it is a good thing! That helped add to my resolution list for 2019, which I will sharing in a separate post soon. 


My kids are my whole world. I wanted kids for SO incredibly long and it's incredible. BUT it's incredibly lonely. Adding in little man's autism into the mix and I feel alienated because people just don't understand and don't want to ask questions. I guess in a weird turn of events I've gotten this SAHM depression.. like it's a real thing. My Dr. told me about it a couple of months ago because I was POSITIVE it was because of the depo shot. The Dr. assured me it isn't (but I'm not a believer that it isn't). Adding to the fact that I felt like I didn't have any goals, my house is always a mess, my damn iPhone wont save my calendar... it's been a ROUGH couple of weeks.


The good is that we got family pictures done, we got some awesome Santa pictures done and my youngest just turned EIGHT months old!!! I'm in shock.. she can say a couple of words, she can sit up on her own and we saw her use her toes (while laying on her tummy) and crawl across the floor today.. like total disbelief. My husband said " I can't believe you aren't recording this" but I was in awe just like he was. The husband is home for a while & I'm so tickled about that. it's hard to go through so many changes and not have your rock here to help you balance it all. 


If you follow me through Facebook then you already kinda know what's been going on. My SIL passed away during a routine surgery and it rocked my world. I haven't felt a loss like that in a LONG time.. and I think the part that bothered me the most is that I needed the time to stop.. the world to stop for just a moment so that I could grieve. The kids still needed food, the clothes still needed to be done, chores had to be done and I was falling apart. My world spun for a couple of days and all I did was cry. I cried all the time.. in a store.. in the car.. at my son's therapy appointment.. ordering Starbucks. This thought would hit me and I'd just boo-hoo cry... like ugly cry. That single moment of loss changed me.. it changed me because our life is so fleating and it's so unfair to not tell those important to us how much they mean to us. You think you have so much time to say these things and then you don't. I don't think she would have lived b/c she knew how important she was to me.. but I would have made me feel better that I knew she knew.. ya know? 


So the past six weeks I have been going through so much.. alone. They ended up flying my husband home early due to his sisters death, other wise he'd be gone right now. We are planning on being Tacoma, WA for Christmas!! We are leaving the first day of Little Man's school leave & will be there for a good two weeks. I'm excited.. simply because I miss my bestie & I'm looking forward to seeing her. I'm excited to get away for a minute to decompress. I am so insanely excited for SNOW! We have so many awesome outings and things planned .. again SNOW. I love snow & I'm anxious to share this experience with my kiddos. 


I'll write up my 2019 post and compare it to last years.. for fun. I just wanted to check in with you all since it's been apx 6 weeks from my last post. 





Wednesday, October 24, 2018

fall break & bugs

I haven't forgotten y'all we are just halfway through Fall Break and it's a little crazy. It's a little harder to sit and write all this out with three kiddo's. Little man is off is schedule and I don't have the morning break to write this out.

We have had some fun during this break but haven't really left the house. It's always something. We are talking about taking the kids to the zoo this week & hopefully we can accomplish that. The house is decorated and the kids have Halloween costumes. Little Miss turned 6 months old - can't believe that. We had professional pictures done - like we have done with all three kiddo's. They turned out amazingly wel

One of my best friends flew in and we went to the Dierks Bentley concert. It rained. My first DB concert in the rain. I have a stuffy nose now but it was worth it. I also experienced my first UBER ride.. that was fun. We had a girls night out dinner and stayed out WAY too late. Three days being up past 1, with three little kids, not the smartest idea.

The last day of summer break we were going to go to the zoo. We had it all planned out. Let me back up. A couple of months ago Little Dude started breaking out in this rash at night. We went to Dr's and we were told it was an allergic reaction. We changed his milk, nothing changed. I started to notice that if I changed his sheets everyday that his rash wasn't so bad the next day. So I started stripping his bedding everyday and washing it, replacing all of it with clean bedding. We thought he was allergic to his own sweat. I also thought it was flea bites on him. With four dogs in the house I just assumed that to be the issue. I had Terminix out here on a regular spraying for flea's inside and out.
The rash got better but never really went away. So Friday we got ready for the zoo and I went to strip his sheets, the sheet got caught on the mattress and ripped. I had to pick up the mattress to get the sheet completely off the bed and that is when I saw it. It looked like mold on his bed skirt and first but then I quickly learned that it was bed bugs.

Dude. Imma let you know this shit is banana's. I have no idea where they came from, I had no idea we had them and I had no idea that was what was doing this. We could have gotten them anywhere and no where. The extensive process of management is bonkers! I have had to wash everything in his room.. his toys, his clothes, the bedding, the curtains. We had a to spray a chemical in the room, we had to bag the beds and box springs, we had to clean the walls. We had to 'steam' the curtains and the dressers, we had to take his bed apart and spray it down. We had to shampoo the carpets too, we moved every piece of furniture around to make sure we got every surface. Then after all of that - we had to spray Tea Tree oil on everything to kill the eggs.

Livid, Disgusted, Angry... those are a couple of words to describe how I felt all weekend. I cried.. a lot. I felt so bad that I let my baby get eaten by bugs I didn't even know we had. Four days since we have managed the mess and we aren't done. Little Man's rash is completely gone though! Don't let people fool you in believing bed bugs are for dirty joe's .. I swear you can get them from anywhere. We need to treat the house but that's very expensive so we are managing it by the steps I shared. We will have the house treated though after tax return unless the bugs come back before then. UGH.

I swear.. we can't just catch a break.

I'll get back to this awesome book as soon as I can guys. Pray for us.. send Rum and Detergent. lol


Amy

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Chaos.

Girl..... this chapter hit so many levels of my current life.. it's insane!!
Chaos really wants to be my best friend and I want nothing to do with him. Everyone's chaos is different but similar. It could be your Mom, your Mother in law, your kids, your husband, the house chores, the juggling act of working and kids. "Every single one of us is living in chaos, we handle it in one of three way:"  1. We ignore it.  2. We battle it. 3. We drown in it". PG 116-117. YES! I both battle and drown in it. So let me summerize what she is saying because I'm the one reading the book and recaping it for you lol.
1. We ignore it by pretending the chaos isn't there. We bury our heads and just keep on going. Eventually the chaos will cause stress which will catch up with you.
2. We battle it: We tackle something different then the actual problem. You clean your kitchen because you are mad at your husband. "The problem with a battle is that we will always lose. If we plan that we can do enough or plan enough to make sure that nothing is ever difficult , we will only make ourselves feel like a failure when life is too hard." PG 117 -- THAT'S ME!! in a freakin' nut shell.
3. We drown into it: "We get overwhelmed by housework, regular work, family, and friends. The stress becomes all that we see" PG 117. This is also me if I can't talk about something that is bothering me that is more present then distance. Like stressing over my Mom will cause me to clean or organize. Things going on inside my wheel house will cause me to become overwhelmed.
We are stronger then this. 
The suggestion is to embrace the chaos.
How do we do that? We need to start by giving our self grace. We all fall short and we need to remember that tomorrow is a new day for us to try again. Take a deep breath and try to find humor in the situation. Like you send your kid to picture day in pajamas... ya know at first that would make me mad but after a beat it is kinda funny. Yesterday I lost track of time. It was 6pm and dinner was even thought of. SO I got flustered and started trying to make this tortellini pasta real fast. Problem was the kids were hungry 30 mins before & therapy was in session & I got embarrassed. Embarrassed that I lost track of time, angry that my kids were hungry and I didn't have the meal ready and angry that the other adults in the house didn't pick up my slack. I expected them too. The kids had a good meal but I was pretty upset so I made sure that dinner was ready on time today.
What is another way? To remember the Fruits of the Spirit - which are love, joy, patience, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.  What that means is we use the tools to help us through whatever situation we are in. Yesterday I needed self control & peace. Today I needed peace and joy. Also taking a moment for yourself is a good thing! So go get that pedi, go for that run, sit through that drive thru for cup of coffee.. and the hardest one of all... let people help you. Now I would personally LOVE for someone to help, that's actually my biggest complaint. We have four grown adults in this house, three kids and four dogs. Somehow I'm expected to carry the load and handle the cooking, cleaning, dog taking care of, laundry doing, kid wrangling, errand runner, and not expect a thing in return. It's hard ya'll. I have a lot of hard hard days. The more I ask for help the less I get. Now that the husband has been gone for three weeks.. I'm drained. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm through being a doormat. Then I remember the fruits of the spirit.. kindness, patience.. and joy. It doesn't always work that easily because I know I'm being taken advantage of. It's hard to rise above and feel appreciated.
Everyone has their own version of chaos. Remember that as you go through your day.. and remember to through a whole lot of patience and kindness every where you go.

"Girl, Wash your face" by Rachel Hollis - book overview.


Tuesday, October 2, 2018

goals

Good Morning!
As promised I'm continuing with the chapter overviews of "Girl, Wash your face" by Rachel Hollis and my personal imput.
Chapter 10 is about goals. 
She says that women don't look forward to birthday's after a certain age. That we'd like to just sweep them under the rug because for the majority of us it marks another year of what we didn't accomplish. I love birthday's and I love to celebrate my loved one's birthdays. True to the point though - I usually don't celebrate my own. Simply because it's usually a couple days from Thanksgiving and we are all busy organizing and prepping for Turkey day. Our birthday's should be a celebration of the life we have created and accomplished thus far.
I love that she said "God has a perfect timing." "Maybe that goal wasn't ever mean to be yours". "Maybe you are destined for something so much cooler."
For years all I wanted was to be a parent. To have a child grow within me and become a parent. It took 12 years. Not a straight 12 - finacialy and personally I had to take time off but collectively it was 12 years. While I was fighting my own body to become a parent and understand why it wasn't working I lost sight of everything else. I had no other goals. I didn't put the baby making on hold and say "I want to be a hair stylist and I'm going to accomplish that first". Nope. I just wondered aimlessly from job to job praying something would stick.
Now that I'm in my late 30's I regret that. I regret not having that push or desire to create a career for myself. I could have been a great hair stylist! I could have pursued web design and made a great career for myself in 2007. I could have stuck with the goal of being a child psychologist I wanted to be in high school.  I just had blinders on and didn't think about the bigger picture. Which now I'm a stay at home Mom juggling 3 kids and I have a husband who is rarely here due to his career. So having a full time career wouldn't be a important in this stage of my life anyway.
In a portion of the book she says "own on negative self-talk can be more damaging than the emotional abuse heaped on us by a hateful parent. It's also far more insidious because there's nobody there to stop it, since we rarely even realize it's happening." PG 105

The challenge of this chapter is to not look at our un-met goals as a form of unacomplishments but look at it as those goals weren't really meant for you. Those un-met goals lead you to pursue something else that helped you gain your path. I have a hard time with that, personally, simply because I don't think I drove the bus to my own destiny, I was dragged. I lost my job in 2008 and a whole new whirlwind chapter started. It was out of my control and I just followed along - praying for something good to happen. and ya know what? It did! Yes I got divorced in 2010, yes I slept on my brother's couch for months with no money to my name. Yes, I moved to a completely different state without a job or direction.. but ya know what? I met my husband. I was available to be courted and taken care of for the first time in my life. I had to learn to rely and trust other people for the first time. I had to hit rock bottom and regain a new inner self. My husband and I met in 2010 but we didn't get married until 2013. Our first child was born in 2015, our second in 2017 and our third in 2018. I have a beautiful home, a awesome new van, no debit aside from our mortgage.. which is a lot better then where I was 10 years ago! I am very thankful that my 'goals' took a little longer to come to pass b/c my husband is an amazing father, provider and friend. I wouldn't want this path with anyone else.

I challenge you to do her advisement at the end of the chapter. "List out everything you have accomplished to date. In fact, write yourself a letter about your tenacity!" It's pretty enlightening!

Hope you have a great day! I hope you take a moment to write out that list of your own accomplishments so you can see how awesome you are! I hope that you stop doing your own negative self-talk and realize how awesome you are! Now go take on today with a brighter spirit and be patient with yourself and your goals. They shouldn't have expiration dates!


Monday, October 1, 2018

locks

Hey ya'll
Welcome to October! Can you believe it? I'm still trying to figure out what happened to August; ha!
Well I took a couple of days off because we had a huge scare in our home and I lost my marble for a couple of days. Now that I'm a little more relaxed Tuesday I'll be jumping back into my daily chapter overviews with a personal punch of "Girl, wash your face" by Rachel Hollis. I'm sure she'd appreciate my dedication lmao. Today though I want to stupidly share what happened. Stupidly because i know it opens me up to being judged by all who read my words.
As some of you know my oldest, Little Man, is autistic. He is non-verbal and what I like to call a silent ninja. He has started to talk a lot more and he babbles all the time. I am so excited because I just know one day he's gonna wake up talking up a storm. ANYWAY.. some kids with autism are runners. They will run and not stop when you yell their name. They don't sense the danger and think it's fun to be chased. That is my son.
Last Wednesday someone didn't dead bolt the front door. I was cutting 10 single green grapes for Little Dude's dinner. I just happened to look up at the mirror over my sink, to see a vehicle stopped at my driveway. Totally out of the normal even for the six o'clock rush.. something in me froze. I literally jumped the kitchen gate and ran out the front door. Low and behold this lady was standing in the road holding my son and in tears. She said she almost hit him, he was running down the driveway and just bolted in front of her. Her poor shooken soul. I grabbed him up, hugged him, listened to her 'watch your kids please' as I walked up the driveway. The thing is... he had just been standing at that gate asking to "eat". I was explaining that I was waiting on the grapes and we'd eat. I had no idea he had opened the front door and closed it behind him. The dog siren didn't go off.. not a sound. THIS could have been SO much worse. It could have been fatal. This could have been a completely different outcome. In true mothers fashion.. i made him sleep with me that night (after just getting him back into his bed.. oy vey).  I was terrified to let him go to school, but he did, and I made sure to tell our ABA therapist about what happened.
I waited until he was fast asleep to call one of my best friends. I told her what happened in sobs. Half she asked me to keep repeating. All i kept thinking was how i let this happened, how could i not have had checked the door? WHY didn't the four dogs bark like usual?? HOW could i let my son just walk out of the house unknowingly? Why didn't I just put him in the booster seat - it was 10 grapes! I felt like the worst Mother on the planet.  We don't have a lot of strict rules in this house but one of the biggest ones is to bolt the doors and shut the gates. They are in place for a reason. 
The next day I sobbed to my other best friend in WA .. both friends interjected ideas and door solutions. At the end of the day.. the only thing you have to do is dead bolt the door. IT'S THAT SIMPLE. I don't need a fancy alarm or ten locks.. just dead bolt the door. I say that but I went out and bought a new dead bolt system from NEST. I can check to make sure the dead bolt is locked by an app on my phone, and I can lock/unlock the door from the car (super cool). We all have codes to enter into the house instead of keys. My brother bought us those chime sensors .. you add them to the crack of the door and when the door is opened it makes a insanely loud chime. I jump every. single. time. it goes off.. so it's doing it's job. We added a baby gate to the exit into the backyard - so he can't exit the garage and we added a motion spot light into the back yard. I know a day will come when he will figure out the lock. I know one day we will have to make extra extra measures but right now it's just simple. Dead bolt the door and shut the gates.
My husband is still gone. He has about another two weeks before he returns. He has no idea this happened. He has no idea I dropped three bills on a dead bolt and I'm scared to tell him what happened in person. It sucks, it's hard. I still feel like shit and he's been under my wing all weekend. I have taken him everywhere with me because I was that shook. I think I check the stupid app to the door lock like 20 million times a day too but everyone in the house has been super vigilant. I hold no blame towards anyone b/c mistakes happen but this one almost cost me my sons life.
My fear is that this will wear off with everyone in the house, myself included, because you feel safe. My fear is that someone doesn't lock that door again and we don't catch it. My fear is that I'll end up in jail over a unlocked dead bolt.
I'm basically a single Mom with three kids. I hold the ground to my house. If you can't follow the simple steps that I have put into place to keep my kids safe.. then you aren't welcome here. Unfortunately, I can't afford to be gracious about it now. People it scared me. It rattled my bones. SO while I send a prayer of thankfulness to the man upstairs, I'm also sending prayer of vigilance to my housemates.
Like I said our weekend got better, we collectively took steps to make sure this doesn't happen again. We all were very vigilant in making sure alarms and doors were set. I'm praying nothing like this ever happens again.  If like me, you have a runner, you aren't alone. It's scary, but you become wiser by every thing that happens. You do better and you become more aware. I've said it alot lately but I was reminded all week .. we aren't perfect. We aren't meant to be and sometimes things get out of our control. The lesson is to learn from it and pray that you take all the right measures and it never happens again.
What a way to end September. Here is to believing that October will be a thousand times better!!