Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Amy's journey of change.. chapter 1

A good friend of mine recently downloaded the audible book "Girl, Wash your face" by 'Rachel Hollis' and called to tell me that I had to read this book. Crazy enough - a month later I bought the book and I'm through the entry and the first four chapters.

I struggle with keeping it all together. I am having a hard time balancing cleaning the house, taking care of kids and staying on top of everything else. I never get a break.. and at times that causes chaois in the home.  The husband can relax and just lounge around all weekend. HE can play with the kids at his leisure and 80% of the time he takes the easy tasks. Don't get me wrong feeding and changing the baby is very helpful but I'd rather he change out the dishwasher and the washer/dryer while I feed the baby. While he is making our kids scream in delight and giggle.. I'm making dinner and missing out on the fun and y'all that makes me a little bitter. Please don't take this as an intro to "count the ways I hate my husband" because that is far from what I'm saying.  In addition to never feeling like I get a break.. I have a tendency to compare myself and make myself feel lesser then. Like "how can Susie's house look so perfect all the time? She has three kids.. I have three kids.. my house looks nothing like Susie's. What is is she doing that I am not?"  This very question passes through my head more then 100x a day and makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. 
In Chapter 1; pg 4 of this book she says "I want you to understand, my sweet, precious friend, that we are all falling short.""We live in a all or nothing society that says I need to look, act, think and speak perfectly or just throw in the towel and stop trying all together."  here is the part that made me literally break down... "some of you feel so overwhelmed by your life that you've given up. You're a piece of jetsam being tugged along with the tide. It feels too hard to keep up with the game, so you've quit playing. Oh, sure you're still here.  You still show up for work, you still make dinner and take care of your kids but you're always playing catch-up. You always feel behind and overwhelmed." <-- nail on the head this is exactly how I feel.  Pg 5 goes on to say that "this is your life. You are meant to be the hero of your own story." "When I say I'm unhappy, I mean discontented, unsettled, frustrated, angry - any number of emotions that make us want to hide from our lives instead of embracing them with arms wide open like a Creed song." 
I wanted to jump up & down with a big neon flashing sign and say "YESSS! This is exactly how I feel right now!" This! I wrote my friend and started saying exactly what I just typed above.. because I have never heard anyone else say this. It was so liberating to know someone else feels this way. Let't be honest - all social media is snipets of things that have made us happy that we want to share. People don't get on social media share a picture of their kitchen with dishes stacked up, piles of crap on the counters and laundry on the floor  and say.. "I just can't today folks.. I'm just gonna play with my kids in the backyard".. because we'd get ridiculed right and left.. be called everything from lazy to bad parents.. because we are so quick to judge what we don't know. You don't know what I go through  but you do know I have three small kids. You know I love them more then anything and fought to have them but you don't know that I struggle daily. I struggle with making daily 'to do lists' that never get completed, I struggle with feeling alone and isolated. I struggle with not having a tribe to ask for help and I struggle for the mom shaming that comes with asking for help. I mean heaven forbid I ask someone to watch my kids so I can get a break or just take ONE to the Dr without taking all 3. As one person told me.. I chose to have three kids so I should take the responsibility and take care of them and not expect other people to step in and help. Umm so that told me 2 things.. she wasn't someone I wanted in my inner circle and she was wrong. She is wrong in the fact that I don't expect help but it would be nice when I do ask. I don't expect  you to clear your schedule to help me but I don't appreciate you sending me the link to 'care.com' either.
At the end of the chapter it says: (PG 8) "You become who you surround yourself with. You become what you consume. If you find yourself in a slump or feel as though you're living in a negative space, take a good hard look at who and what you see every day."... ton of bricks.. there is just one problem.. I'm surrounded by my messy house and my kids. The kids bring me joy and my house gives me heart palpatations (slightly joking). My husband doesn't help me the way that I need but he does help me. My brother & SIL aren't expected to help but it's nice when they do. So it has to be the 'what' portion of this passage more then the 'who'. So I decided to limit my interactions on facebook and instagram.. maybe that will help the comparisons of others. Also on a passive aggressive note.. it's not like anyone talks to me anyway. Three or Four people tag me, comment or simply reach out to me anyway. It's not like me staying off facebook would change any interactions.. so again.. I feel very alone. I also think that I need a new facebook circle all together because I shouldn't feel this alone with 124 'friends'. I thought having kids would make me become more included but actually it's make me more isolated. Crazy.

I love my kids, I love my husband but things get overwhelming at moments. It would be nice to have a tribe to go to for strength and support. It would be nice to be able to get help when I need it and not feel so strapped. She is right in the fact that this is my life and I need to be my own hero in my own story. 

I hope you join me in reading this book, i hope this helps others jump in a share their feelings... and just maybe it will create a cool little tribe for us to go through this together.. i dunno... maybe.

Chapter 2&3 tomorrow.

Friday, September 7, 2018

We Survived our Road Trip

We survived our road trip!! We went from San Diego to Victoria, Texas and then down to Houston, Texas and back to San Diego. By car with 3 kids 3 and under and the kids did so great! They loved the hotel stays, which were plentiful, and they loved the attention from family. We had such a great time & I wish we could have stayed a little longer in the Lone Star State. Don't get me wrong, we had some bumps and bruises - even a urgent care visit for Little Dude - but overall the trip was great. I also discovered that the overall way Texans vs Californian's hold themselves is SO different. Meaning.. Texans are WAY more conservative in all manners then what we have been immersed in for 8 years. I think my eyes and heart really needed to see and digest this. I'm sure it will be a while before we take that trip again but it wasn't nearly as stressful as I thought it was going to be.



Now we are back home, back to the messy house, the crazy schedules and have fallen into the same routines in less then a week. Problem is .. we didn't have a great routine to begin with & my house stresses me out. A good friend came over yesterday and I was saying how I barely felt like I was surviving, like my head was barely above water, and my chore list just keeps growing. How my cluttered counters and my unchecked chore list are making me feel inadequate. She told me this.. "you are doing great! You have three kids who are happy & and fun to be around. You have a full house but who cares what your counters look like. If people are coming to see all the things that you don't do instead of all the amazing stuff that you actually do - they shouldn't be coming over in the first place!" I needed to hear that. I get so stressed out that I don't complete a daily chore list, and yes I make one for myself everyday, because of one reason or another. I'm going to keep working on that because I need to give myself a break but I need to hold myself accountable at the same time .. that's the hard line.


I think it's easy to fall into a routine with your spouse & forget to tell each other how great they are doing or how important they are. I lean more on being annoyed 24/7 because I feel I do more then he does and it leaves me jaded. I also don't hold into account that the works away from the house & he goes to college classes 2x a week. I really need to work on NOT being so hard on him b/c when the chips are down he's got my back.  I also don't think about the way I look much, until I see myself in a picture. I hate the way I look in a picture! "OMG is that really me?!" If I just stayed away from cameras I'd have the best self esteem - lol. Truth is.. I need to get back to the gym to simply take care of myself. It isn't to drop 30 pounds, which would be amazing, but to take care of me. To have that little carved out me time, to do something that benefits my whole family. If I get sick or hurt .. it's gonna hurt them all not just me.. and I want to set that example to my kids.

That's all I got this am folks. I gotta start getting these smaller kids up and start our day. I have been looking up a trip to 'schlitterbahn' in San Antonio, Texas as our next family trip but that may be a couple of years down the road. I think Little Miss needs to be almost 5 before we take that trip.. so we have a while. Hope y'all have a great weekend!

Monday, July 30, 2018

Weekend.


Friday I went to my primary Dr., PCM, and had a long sit down with him. I was so on edge because usually when I go it he is just eager to user me out of the office. This visit was no different. I went to the ER in Mid July and they decided that I needed my gallbladder removed b/c I have gallstones. So I decided to make a wellness visit. So the dude literally walks in the room holding my file and chatting about my ER visit. OK but that's not why I was there. So I tried to change the topic to my back like a thousand times but the dude wasn't interested in really listening to me. Everything I brought up came back to being a Mom of 3. He said that since I had all three kids so quickly that my body never had time to really heal itself. My core muscles of my stomach are so weak that they are now putting strain on my back. I can totally understand what he is saying there. So his recommendation was to join a gym .. do some yoga.. and go to physical therapy. I laughed.. snorted laughed.. like I have time for physical therapy!! BUT he said if I don't follow through with physical therapy then he wouldn't go any further into the back pain.  It wasn't a total loss and he wasn't really wrong.. but I thought he'd do more to help me out. He suggested I get back into the gym, take some time for myself - which I don't do b/c we are so busy - and make myself a priority for the kids sake.
The husband also wants to join the KETO ban wagon and I'd really like to do the PALEO diet again.. man those numbers on that scale were scary. I try to tell myself that they are just numbers.... but those were some large three digit numbers. I talked it over with the husband and I am just going to have to make time for  myself. The Y is open until 9 and I could go around 7pm and get a good two hour workout done. I need to find a good yoga class and with the help of the physical therapy ... hopefully I can start to feel some relief. 
Moving on here....
Our friends moved away to WA and we usually spend our weekends with them. So this weekend we tried something a little different. My brother & SIL took Little Dude on the San Diego "Jeep Run" and we made some fun for Little Man and Little Miss. We ran to the commissary for some fruits and veggies for the week. After that we were going to meet up with a friend at a local splash pad, but it was HOT. So I remembered a friend took me this awesome YMCA pool when Little Man was a baby, so I looked it up and we went. We took Little Miss with us and she even got in the water! I didn't even take my phone out of my bag - so no pictures but it was awesome! We were then planning on going to a frozen yogurt spot after that but my brother called to say there were heading home early and so did we. This single trip to the this water playland made me want to re-up my membership! It was so much fun & little man had SUCH a great time that I really want to do this again!

On Sunday we did some house chores and I got so much stuff done!! After nap time a friend met up with us and we went to get frozen yogurt and then to Kohl's for some school clothes for little man. The trip to the yogurt place with all 3 kiddo's was insane! I felt this crazy amount of pressure for my kids to be all proper and quiet.. which is crazy in itself..  but the kids had a blast. Isn't that what it's about?? I hate getting all worked up and missing the fun and then looking back  at the situation and seeing I was being crazy. We got some good photo's tho! Little Man, Little Dude and Little Miss.. all having a great moment at the frozen yogurt place.


Hope everyone is having a great Monday & had a great weekend!  I'm going to try and figure out how to create a 'vlog' and see if I can get that up this week. I gotta go start lunches for these cuties! Let me know you stopped by so I can say "HI" back!





Tuesday, July 24, 2018

July update

Hey ya'll!
This week, counting this past weekend, has been good and hard.
A very good couple friend of ours moved away this past weekend. They got orders to a new state and it was hella sad to see them go. We have been friends for over 7 years and they are also the god parents to our kiddo's.. to to wave them off was so hard. Not to mention that we have spent the past 5 weekends together and then they were gone... While I am excited for their new adventures and their new place is awesome.. I'm just sad they aren't a drive away anymore.
So to busy myself I cleaned my house this weekend. I worked on the kitchen decor and majority of my amazon purchases arrived on Saturday. We got some pool time in with the kiddo's and even little miss got to join the fun. I was happy to get some much needed organization done in the house and even happier that the organization has stuck! I'm not where near done but it's so nice to see some progress. During the prime day I snagged some new kitchen accessories in teal.. so I changed out the utensil holder, a new drying mat, a teal set of Pioneer Women knifes, and a teal bottle cap opener. I also ordered a new coffee container.. in teal.. and some dish clothes.
I also upgraded my iphone7 to the iphoneX - so that's been fun. I LOVE the portrait option on the camera.. my pictures of the kiddo's are boss! I also recently got a new laptop and settled for the chrome book - which has taken a lot of getting used too. I have to say that the laptop was probably a huge miss because I miss the functions of my toshiba SO much.  I actually have already looked at other laptops because I have a kind of a picture addiction and this isn't going to come close to holding my pics. BUT the husband purchased a i-cloud picture backup thing and that's working.
We have a 2 weeks until school starts and a month until we are in Texas! My 31 totes for our trip haven't arrived yet but I'm super excited about them. I think little man is ready for school and I have everything but his diapers purchased and labeled. Little Dude isn't going to know what to do with big brother at school everyday for three hours! So now I'm trying to find some fun things for us to do while brother is at school with little dude and little miss. Then right as we get our schedule down we'll head to Texas for almost three weeks. Them emerge ourselves back into a routine.
Life is never dull around here that's for sure... somewhere between school starting and our vacation I have to have my gallbladder removed.. so we are always doing something. I'm looking forward to our last couple of weeks of summer.
When does school start back for you?? What summer trip did you take this summer? What prime day specials did you find?

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Dr's & more Dr's

When I gave birth to little dude, via c-section, I started complaining my tailbone hurt. They contributed it to laying in the same spot for a couple of days. I was miserable and the answer was more meds. Time went on and my tailbone hurt more and more. Depending on your military insurance you can chose to have regular Dr's or Dr's on base. I have chosen Dr's on base and my Primary Dr just sucks. While I called everyday for a three week span for a canceled apt - I ended up finding out I was pregnant with Little Miss and nobody would look at my tailbone. So my pregnancy was murder on my back, several ER visits, more attempts to see my primary and fast forward to my 3 month postpartum mark and I'm still hurting. To manage my back pain I've been going to a chiropractor twice a week. They have deemed that I have a lower back issue and while I do get little relief, the visits are not enough. The chiropractor has told me that my left leg is shorter then my right, and that's crazy, but it was now time to seek out medical help outside of their office.
I have an appointment next week finally. While the basis of my visit is my tailbone, I have some other concerns to talk about too. I think my Primary see's me a silly housewife seeking for attention but I gotta a lot of different things going on man. Truth is it's so hard to get in to see him that I stack up a couple of concerns for when I actually can get in.
Last week my lower right abdominal area starting hurting, like close to my hip bone. I leaned over the washing machine and saw literal stars and was escorted to the ER. The ER couldn't find the source of the pain but did find that I have a fibroid mass in my uterus (thanks Depo shot) and that I have gallstones. Now I have to have my gallbladder removed and my pre-op appointment is Aug 16th. My back still hasn't been discussed.   My abdominal area is still hurting and their solution was Tylenol and ibuprofen... insert eye roll.
So with my gallbladder, a mysterious pain that's not my appendix, my tailbone... I have this pain on my left thumb that makes it hard to use my hand by the end of the day. It swells up, I can't wear my i-watch or my rings 50% of the time due to the swelling but I'm sure they'll say it's a form of carpal tunnel. 
To add to my growing list of concerns here, and feeling like I'm bordering sounding like a hypochondriac, I need to address my depression symptoms. I am not sure what the outcome out of that - aside from weekly therapy AGAIN. Which is annoying b/c they just wanna blame things on my husband or my Mom. Both contribute greatly but that can't be the underlying cause here. I also believe that everybody faces forms of depression and if everyone ran to a shrink.. well it would be insane. I'm sure that my anxiety is a form of depression or a sister form of it but dude I'm busy. I don't have time to go sit in a shrinks office for 45 min a day once a week. BUT my symptoms are getting pretty bad. The loss of desire to do anything, the fact that I keep admitting little to nothing keeps/makes me happy. The constant need to purchase something to feel the void for it to not be filled. I've also been aware that since little miss has been born I literally can't stand the sight of my husband some times. Like it's B-A-D... Insert another eye roll.
Getting older is hard but I've always believed it's mind over matter. I've always been pretty optimistic when it came to my health. Outside of infertility treatments and diabetes while pregnant, I've been pretty healthy. Going to Dr's and asking for help is hard. Doing all of this with tiny kids is harder but for them I gotta just do it..  ya know?
So there ya go.. I'm 36 and my body and mind are failing me.. just kidding. I think I should focus on the depression symptoms and the tailbone pain. I'm pretty sure I broke my tailbone ... again... and my goodness it hurts. That's what's going on with me... but of course that's just me.. I'll have to post and update on the kiddo's b/c Little Man has some great news!!

What are things you've put off going to the Dr for? Have you ever broken your tailbone? Have you had your gallbladder removed??





Sunday, July 8, 2018

treading life

My oldest baby turns 3 in just a couple of day. 3! On the same day my youngest turns 3 months old.
Crazy. I love being a Mom but I'm insanely tired. My house is NEVER clean .. ever. I feel like I do the same five things on a single loop the whole entire day. Did I mention I'm exhausted? I do manage to keep up with laundry and grocery shopping but that's about the extent of that. I do have a weekly schedule that I try really hard to stay on top of but I don't have a lot of room for extra's and when I do have the extra time is - I just wanna do nothing. I should be putting up laundry right now and cleaning our Master bedroom but here I sit.
I'm complained lately that I've lost my identity. I've wanted kids for so long and now that dream has come true.. it's kind of like now what? The husband & I have had a lot of talks about the next step but it comes with a lot of trepidation. I'd like to get my hair license and go back to work when Little Miss goes to school but I'm so worried about not being present. I know that Little Man is going to need a lot of extra special TLC and I want to be right there. I also know that we have apx 6 yrs left in the Navy life and we become 'retired' and move to that next chapter... but that feels like a whole book away. What I'm trying to figure out is what to do with these chapters I need to write now. Since my husband isn't moving forward like I am, I feel lost. For some reason I don't see just being a Mom a chapter but as a definition of who I have become.
I feel like I struggle a lot on what I think I should be doing and lose sight of the moments. I've also realized that very little leaves me content. The moment passes and I just remember all the negative and struggle to find the positive. That's hard when I know that I love my life. I just feel that I don't know how to be happy.. that's a hard realization. I'm tired of struggling, I'm tired of being tired and I just want my home to be peaceful and happy. I struggle with comparing everyone else to my current life... ie: her house is so clean, her kids are so well behaved.. why can't i? why don't i? Filling my life with a lot of plausability for error and failure when I know I'm doing the best i can. People have 3 kids and keep it together so what is wrong with me?
Everyone struggles and this shall pass. I'll pull up my boot straps and plow through. I'll look back at these moments and laugh at how naive and how silly I'm being. BUT at the moment this is real and it's a mind over matter game i feel I'm losing.
So please send me words of encouragement, send me ideas. Tell me I'm not alone. I wish more then anything else in this world that I had a group of friends who I can turn to and lean on right now. It just seems everyone is going through something and my stuff seems insignificant.

Inhale... exhale... 

Monday, May 28, 2018

house purging.

The husband & I have spent the past month purging the house.
I've always wanted to be a minimalist and I am faaaaaaaaaaaaaar from being one.
I woke up one day and decided that we needed to throw almost our whole house away. We've never really purged in the 7 years that we have lived here and have gone through multiple roomates - so it was time. We have done the first layer and now it's time to dig really deep and purge the 2nd layer. Ya know the tedious stuff like the medicine cabinets, the junk drawers, and the bathrooms cabinets.
I'm really questioning the counter stuff at the moment because the remodel of our kitchen is my next focus .. and for those with little kiddos you know that the counter is never cleared off.



I painted the hallway during my pregnancy with Little Miss and never finished painting into the living room. I removed all the beach decor from the house but I haven't figured out what direction I'll be doing next. I have found that I'm really in love with throw pillows but my, soon to be, 3 year old thinks they belong on the floor. (lol)
The plan for the kitchen is a pretty extensive makeover. We are going to build a pantry and add a lower level of cabinets. I want to paint the kitchen this white color called Swiss Coffee, which will be happening in the next couple of weekends. I'm trying to convince the husband to change the counter tops to this sparkling white quartz when we add the lower cabinets. I also want to make this country mirror display that I found on pinterest for our kitchen <above>. I'm also wanting to change the sink to a country sink and personally add a back splash.. like i said I have a pretty extensive list for the kitchen.
I'm a picture whore y'all. I love pictures and love canvas prints. It's almost an addiction. I've just got the problem of being selective with my kids pictures and I can't choose so I get them all.. no seriously. lol. I mean how do you choose? but I gotta. I'm easy to shop for though.. just get me a white picture frame - or a picture album - and I'm super excited.
The plan is go room by room and just revamp the rooms. The kid rooms wont change but our master needs a whole new everything. I'll also be creating Little Man his own big boy room/ABA room/play room after we get back from Texas. The husband wants the toys out of the living room but he'll have to agree to buy new living room furniture first.
I have a lot of plans for change and hopefully we'll complete this list in the next year. It's a lot and especially with three small kiddo's.. but I'll talk more about those changes in the next post.
Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Juggling.

Everyone is currently asleep and I needed a few moments to check in with you all. As it happens, tomorrow's topic for the writing promp helps catch you all up on our currently life. So here is the question:  What are things that you enjoy the most about your work right now?

I love being a Mom. I think it's the most rewarding position I've ever had. I love watching my babies. The funny thing about being a Mom is that you never feel like you are doing enough. The coolest part is that so far Little Dude and Little girl are on the same feeding schedule. Sounds hectic but really it's been a blessing. Little Dude doesn't really take bottles anymore but his nap schedule requires some milk. Since he is still on two a day naps.. well lets just say that it's what's keeping me sane. Little Miss has decided that her most active time of the day is during dinner time; so it gets a little hectic. I've managed to plan out dinners and start them a little early so that I can manage.
BUT as life would have it as soon as it seems I've got a handle on the juggle a couple of extra balls get thrown in. Little Man is starting ABA soon for the summer. We have assessments coming up and the first week in June we have his first school IFSP. I'm excited about the ABA, applied behavior analysis, to enter our lives for the summer. The ABA is meant to help us with the fundamentals of helping Little Man learn to make it through the next school year.
I love being a Mom. I haven't figured out all the life juggles yet. I haven't figured out how to keep a spotless house while managing every 3 hour feedings, plus fixing breakfast, lunch and dinner. I haven't figured out how to put away a basket of clothes in the same day it's washed and folded. I'm sure in the next couple of weeks i'll find my rythm. I'll find that sweet spot to guide me through the summer and then crash in the chaos of the next school year.
Meanwhile we have a lot of things happening ... little man's 3rd birthday is coming up, plus 4th of July, and the husband will be gone for six weeks. Then after his return we load up and drive to Texas for a couple of weeks. His Dad passed away last year and we are spreading his ashes, along with all the siblings, like his Dad wanted. I have a lot on my plate all leading up to August and I'm stressed but excited. I've also decided to add PIYO to my daily routine as soon as I'm cleared at my 6 Post Partum checkup - which will be during morning nap time.
There is so much about this life of being a stay at home that is simply demanding but I've never felt more centered in my life. I've dreamed of these days my whole adult life and honestly it's pretty amazing. I get frantic and overwhelmed from time to time but at the end of the day I love being a Mom to these three little kiddo's.

What are things that YOU enjoy most about your work right now??

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Writing prompt

 I found these writing prompts on pinterest and saved the individual months for the year. Since I have them all I thought I'd try using one of them.
May 09 is: What subjects did you study at school?

Well after High School I went to a junior college because my Mom was certain I wasn't smart enough for a university. Well that and she said that I couldn't do it and that it was too expensive to fail at. I did get my basics out of the way to transfer to a big university but I never pin pointed a major and therefore never went.  I wanted to be a Texas A&M alum but again never made it.

Ooh, if I could turn back time... I'd be a psychiatrist like I wanted when I was in High School. Again my Mom told me it was too much school and a lot of Math; Math wasn't my strong suit; so I should pick something easy like cleaning houses. I guess that's kinda what I did... being a housewife... haha. I did look in to psychiatric school a couple years back but I got pregnant with little man and put it on the back burner.

I later went to a trade school to be a insurance agent. Now I'm thinking about going to cosmetology school. I'd like a job with flexible hours for the kiddo's and I'd like to work after the husband retires in 6 yrs. Hell I'll be 42 by then.. so who knows if I'll accomplish any of my educational goals. The plan is to get my hair license at the very least .. so if i can do it before I become all geriatric.

This is a bitter topic b/c I did have plans for my life. I did want to accomplish things and have a career. I feel like I let me Mom get in my head and de-rail me into missing out. I've worked a ton of retail positions but never one that really required school and I never completed anything. I SHOULD have gotten my cosmetology license years ago.. I would have been a great at it. Now all I can do I picture me being the old Grandma at a young school and it makes me sad.

Hopefully I'll help build the path my children take. Hopefully I encourage them to reach any & every little goal they think of. Hopefully I can encourage them to accomplish life instead of being 36 and realizing there is more life that they missed out on. Hopefully I encourage them to join a trade school or a university and reach all the stars in the sky.


Monday, May 7, 2018

the hardest part of being a Mom

When I was in my 20's we went to this country bar. We all drank a little too much and drove home. One of the passengers in our vehicle was a Mom and she pleaded with us to pull over. Her stance was because she was a Mom her life meant something and it came off that she thought she was better then us. We made fun of her for the longest time using that line because nobody understood what she was saying because we weren't parents. Now fast forward 14 - 15 years and I'm a Mother of 3. NOW I completely understand what she was saying and she was right. Her life was 10 times more important then ours, it was more important then a couple of stupid 20 yr old driving drunk and with the possibility of it ending her life. And she was a single parent so her life wasn't 10 more important it was a billion. I haven't thought of that day for a long time but being a parent takes away that immortal armor we carry as youngsters. I never thought about mortality and I certainly didn't fear it. I never understood people who did until my first kid was born. I have never wanted to live more then I did after they placed that new baby in my arms. I have never been suicidal but I've never feared death until I did. It's pretty amazing how new life makes you wanna live but I'm also not naive to the fact that we wont live forever.
I started to believe that my fear of dying wasn't so much of the fact that I had kids as it was that I have a child with a disability that needs me. He needs me more then my other two kids will. He will need a place to live and a place to comfort him when the world is too much. I don't want my other two kids to think of their older brother as a 'burden' b/c we die early and they have to help him through life.. that's my job. I am doing everything I can to help him through life and will continue to do so/ but I can't shake that fear of not being here. Now, that doesn't mean that I love little man more - it's just stating that he may need some extra care as he gets older and I want to be here. I also understand that it's all out of my control too. As I was driving home the other day with Little Miss in my the car I started freaking out over the thought of a drunk driver, or someone running a red light. So it's not just for the fear of my oldest but for all my kiddos.
My husband is about to leave for the month of July and I want a break before he leaves. August is a very busy month for us and the only chance I have to break away is in June. So I have been planning a girls weekend at a local spa/resort to lay out by the pool and have the option of spa services if we desire. We all picked a weekend and I looked up the reservation information.. and it struck me. I can't possibly leave my three kids for two days and a night alone! They need me! My husband wont know what to do or what to say. He'll get short fussed and wont be able to handle it.. so I can't go. I might be able to slip away during nap time but he can't handle them through the night. So I'll go for the day and not spend the night.. yea that's what I'll do.. then I can drive back the next day and spend some time with the girlfriends who stayed... ...     insane!! My husband can lead over 30 people on a moving vessel... he most certainly can handle three calm kiddo's.  yes, I could drive home that evening and help him put the kids to bed and go back the next day ... but that's ludicrous. The hardest part of being a Mom, for me, is really understanding that I'm more then just a Mom. I need down time. I need breaks. I need to vent, to cry, to drink some wine, to soak in the tub 20 min longer, to let Dad get up with the kids on the weekend and sleep in a little. The little things I constantly talk myself out of.. dont' take a nap while all 3 kids are napping you need to mop the floor. No the floors can wait.. take that nap!

Being a Mom is harder then I thought but so amazingly rewarding. I've never understood that saying but now I get it. It's hard because our heads make it harder for us but our hearts are so rewarded on the daily things our kids accomplish. it's a tug of war. a inner tug of war. I get it. So to you all you Mom's out there.. you've got this. You are amazing. Enjoy that starbucks line while you kid is sleeping. Snooze the alarm and take that extra 5 minutes. Get a pedicure on your lunch break instead of making phone calls.. you need to take care of you too.