Some people think that seeing a 'shrink' makes you weak. It's an easy admittance to showing that you are capable of handling your own life. Understanding that 8/10 people who see a psychologist have some major emotional or traumatic issues to workout, and some are just against it for personal or religious reasons. I just want to stand up and shout that I love my therapy sessions! I love having someone who listens and helps me grow. I can see the changes in my life and I can see the growth too.
Now I am one of those people that has had both major emotional and traumatic events happen. I personally have been through a divorce, physical abuse, infertility, mental abuse, sexual assault, and dealt with my bio and adoptive family; these things have landed me a golden ticket to lay on a couch for 45 min a week. The fact that my prior marriage created such doubt, low self esteem and to become a passive pushover; are huge reasons I signed up. I don't like being a person people just advantage of, I also don't like being treated like a slave because I have a v*gina.
Before I changed my whole life and moved to Oklahoma (2001) I was a headstrong, independent, confident women. You couldn't tell me I "couldn't" do something & you would never hear me say the words " I can't". Now I feel that I struggle with that girl to come back into my life, the struggle to gain control over feeling that I lost. I'm in such a better and different place then I was 4 years ago. I'm so happy and so in love with my life. It should have been easy to gain back the control over my life, so I thought. The fact that I was stripped of my self confidence, on punch at a time, and the fact that I'm not a independent women = gives me pause. I don't feel independent in the fact that I don't work outside of my home and I spend my husbands paychecks. I am independent in the fact that I can run my house, run errands, and create a demanding schedule for myself without anyone's assistance.
My progress is not because of therapy visits alone. I will be the first to admit that my blog is a huge help - you reading my post now; have helped me. I will honestly admit that without the strength, honesty and hours from my bestie, bestfriend and two other amazing people in my life I wouldn't be here writing this today. No, not a suicidal kinda thing. My point is through friendships, sounding boards,blog comments, paid listeners.. I've regained a huge chunk of my life back.
This past weekend a room mate, someone I've considered to be a great friend proved my progress. This person asked for another bottle of wine to share with their significant other - since Mr P & were out and passing a liquor store - I stopped. While inside paying for this $7 bottle of wine, he sent a text message to Mr P stating that he would repaid by a dirty picture of his girlfriend. As soon as I got back behind the wheel Mr P shared the text with me - kudo's to Mr. P. The offer was declined but I was furious. How could this person live in my home and offer my husband this?! How foolish was I to think he respected me... wow. Once we arrived, nothing was said - we just went to our room leaving the couple on the couch. The room mate followed us talking about a fan in our room and how we could just use it for the night. Before shutting our door he said "hey bro give me about 20 min and I'll hook you up". I calmly, even though I was shaking, said "if you send my husband any picture your things will be thrown out of this house & if you ever proposition him again you'll be out". Mr P also said that he didn't want the picture and if sent to him - he would go right then and show his girlfriend the level of disrespect he was showing to both women in the house.
Two months ago I would have laughed this off and ignored it while it silently ate through my sole. I would have been so upset and told everyone but the offender how I felt. I am happy to report that in a couple of weeks he will no longer be living here - but sad that I was wrong in his respect for my marriage and myself.
Somewhere out there someone is dealing with thoughts and emotions they can't control or don't understand. I hope that the next time someone shares that they are seeking counseling that it's received in respect. I hope that when your friend calls to talk about a repeated situation that you listen. I hear so many people keep this to themselves, or are mocked because the sought help.. that's a shame. I am just a 31 year old woman who wants control of her life back. My lifestyle as a Navy wife demands it. If I can't make choices now & stand up for myself then I'm going to sink. I feel that sharing my story and struggle will help someone else - at least pick up a phone and talk to a respected friend. Sometimes those who are closest to us are the first to cast judgement - making our battle that much harder.