Monday, September 30, 2013

hormonal b*tch

So this weekend I took my Gonal-F & it was a experience.
Saturday was my husbands birthday & I thought it would have been a great idea to take the Gonal-F shot that am. About two hours later waves of nausea & dizziness swarmed me. I couldn't stand up without the room spinning that made me feel like I had just drank a lot of alcohol. I remember repeatedly apologizing to my hubby that I didn't feel good. He was 100% happy with watching a full day's worth of Star Trek & playing his iphone game. I managed to make it to the store to get some birthday essentials.. junk food. He was happy to say the least. I was propped on the couch and slept the majority of the day away.

Sunday I was grumpy with a side of sexually aroused - by everything. It's amazing that a shot that stimulates your ovaries makes you want to jump everything that moves. After continuous propositions the hubby declined my hormonal rages due to our insemination date. Livid can't describe the feeling that ran through me. And well this might be more of a TMI convo; I'm happy to report that I am normal & human. It makes sense that my body was craving the 'baby dance', even though I've never experienced anything like it. (Well not since I was 17 - haha).

Today I forced myself to the gym. I felt like that grumpy cat on facebook.. sweating my calories and plotting deaths. Ok well not that extreme but I wasn't happy or into the workout. When the hubby bailed about 1.25 miles in on our elliptical routine, the look of death could have been felt all over base! After that point I couldn't get myself to complete the leg routine I've created .. so after two sets I walked away. To add to my glorious morning I thought it was a great idea to weigh myself to find out that I've gained two whole pounds! WTF! That sent me over the edge in frustration & to those who don't know me I am a very calm person 95% of the time. I later found my hubby who was exasperated because I forgot to put socks in his gym bag.. which sent me through another temper tantrum.

All in all I am praying that these meds exit my system soon... but the joys of the HCG shot are yet to come. Lord help me. The hubby's Dad & brother will be here from the 3rd - the 6th and I am praying that my emotions stay in check.

I hope everyone had a great weekend.. thought this was a comical way to explain my Gonal-F shot.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

the decision

Today is my last Clomid dose and Friday I'll be taking my HCG shot.

I'm not worried about the shot itself but I'm worried about the effects of the HCG shot. I don't want to feel pregnant if I am not.. I think it's the most cruel part about this medicine.

The decision that we have made is that we aren't sharing any information past this point about this. The next time that I share about the pregnancy stuff is either going to be about starting over or that I'm pregnant. We have also decided not to tell the whole world that we are pregnant until we get through the first trimester. We have a select group of people that will be notified once we do find out just so we have a support system.

Since I do have friends and family who read my blog it would be unfair to share this on here since everyone else has to wait. It's been a hard decision to make since majority of my support system comes from the comments from you guys! I'm sad that I can't share good news with you guys as soon as I find out.. but I am sure that you all understand our choice.

I want to thank everyone for the sweet comments and support. I'm really hoping that this month is the month & I've been trying to keep my mind off everything. I find that with Clomid I tend to be very obsessive.. so my focus has been on working out. I think pinterest and I have become close friends over the past week. I've researched more on working out this week than I ever have. I've been very busy & not allowed myself to really worry or think about anything fertility related.

I hope everyone is having a great week!

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

so far..

So far I've had two doses of 100mg of Clomid. In about two hours I'll take my third dosage. How am I feeling? More in control then I thought I would.

The hot flashes are amazingly annoying - I woke up soaked in sweat this morning. We had the ceiling fan on, a isolating fan right on me & and a HUGE industrial fan blowing into our room ... and it was in the 50's last night. I should have frozen my bottom off like my hubby did.. but nope I woke up drenched from head to toe in sweat.

The mood swings are awesome .. one moment I'm happy and content and the next I could slice you open. Today was the first 'crying for no reason' portion - as the Starbucks barista handed me a cranberry orange scone.. wtf?! I have warned all my roomies and hubby about the mood swings & to be honest they aren't as bad as I expected. I've only lost my cool twice with the hubby... and last nights was because he said he couldn't tell I've lost weight. Granted I've only been back in the gym for a week and a half... but the tears came anyway. *sigh*

What I didn't expect and I've never experienced was this hunger bug! OMG! I can't eat enough! I'm craving something but everything I put in my mouth is NOT what I'm craving. Trust me from donuts to carrots.. I have no idea what my body is looking for but this is nuts! Instead of cramps, like I expected, I have the tummy growl. Like I'm starving. This is also very embarrassing - just the sight of food makes it grumble loudly!

Of course my hubby thinks all of this is hysterical. rolling eyes While watching the Bronco's game I managed to eat a sandwich, yogurt, carrots with ranch dressing, three glasses of water, and a bowl of popcorn. Now I should mention this was all in the first half... by the start of the second half my stomach started grumbling again. The hubby started rolling in laughter, to my annoyance, his response was just that he finds in hysterical that I'm eating the house. Overall I feel great!

My Rock! The hubby forcing me to the gym everyday has REALLY helped me.. seriously. Everyday that I've taken a pill, even Sunday, we've been at the gym. If nothing but to walk the treadmill - we have gone - and he's put up with all my snarky, rude comments like a champ. He's also helped me SO much around the house.. with chores, with the dogs, just letting me lounge around all day. His only rule is that I stay stress free & if that mean staying in bed all day then so be it... {oh man here come the tears.. damn hormones} I'll take my HCG shot on Saturday {the hubby's birthday} & my sonogram is Oct 1st (Which the hubby took off work to attend with me).

right now I am content and aware of my crazy behavior. I have, again, warned everyone to let me get through this week & so far it's been awesome. Aside from the hubby the roomies have been amazing as well. I literally have had nothing to do all week - they have taken care of everything. I'm one blessed chica!

Hope everyone is having a great week so far & I'll try to get another update in before the end of the week. :)

Friday, September 20, 2013

Weight loss progress 9-20

Sharing my monthly weight loss pictures. 
I can see the change in my stomach and legs.
Next month I'll try to wear the same thing so this is easier to see... 

These aren't the best pictures in the world but I think you can see a slight change. 
It's just a month progress. 

Thursday, September 19, 2013

....and go!

I went to the fertility Dr this am.. man do I have a lot to share!

When I arrived they took back to a room & informed me that I needed a Sonogram done. I started to panic because today was my post HSG results appointment. After questioning the Dr for about 3 min - the ultrasound started. After he finished he asked me to get dressed and he'd come get me so we could talk in his office. Sheer panic rose.

I waited for about 10 minutes for him to come get me and we into his office. He showed me the results and picture from the HSG test. Then he said that he wanted Mr P to see a urologist & asked when my last birth control pill was taken. I informed him that I took one this morning & that I would make sure Mr P followed up with this appointment; so sure we were going to expand our birth control pills & wait. As I took a deep sigh of frustration he grabbed a sheet of paper and started scribbling writing down instructions, I was very confused.

The next thing I know he is talking to me about Clomid & the trigger shot! He ordered me to stop taking the birth control pills and that I will be starting the Clomid on Sunday! Holy Cow! So from Sun - Thurs I'll be taking the clomid; on Mr P's birthday I take my trigger shot & on the 1st of Oct we have a Sonogram. The Sonogram allows them to see how many follicles (eggs) are ready for 'baby batter' (fertilization) and then they can schedule the next step.

At that moment pure shock ran through me; a mix of pure joy and fear. He then informed me that instead of doing this the natural way we are being scheduled for a IUI - Artificial Insemination. The IUI will help guarantee a pregnancy without leaving it to chance. The goal is to obtain a fast pregnancy & leaving it up to us with scheduled dates didn't fit. I was really taken aback by the IUI because it hadn't been discussed prior but I understand why....

So Sunday (the 22nd) starts my baby journey! I'll be so nutty & cray cray by the first that I'll more or less lose a ton of friends. LOL I am SUPER excited & I'm so ready for this to begin!!!  Hope you all follow me through his journey.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

work it

Good Morning.
Today I want to talk a little about workouts.

Here are the workouts I'm doing right now.

elliptical for 2 miles
dumbell side bends with a 20lb weight 20 per side x 3 reps = 60 total
kettlebell squats with 30 lb kettlebell 10 x 4 reps = 40 squats
40 stand alone squats
40 sit ups using the sit up bench
1 mile fast paced walk on treadmill
.25 mile cool down walk

This workout has been three days a week for two weeks. I can see the results for the squats and the dumbell side bends for sure!! I've noticed that my thigh muscles are starting to really develop but I'm not really noticing a difference with my stomach or my inner thighs. Starting next week I'll be adding those inner thigh workouts.. I've found a couple through pinterest that I can't to add.

Because the hubby & I only workout for a hour AND the fact that he is solely concentrating on cardio for the next month puts me in a bind. I feel very uncomfortable doing some of these leg workouts by myself - so most of the time I talk myself out of them. The hubby & I have a sit up bench, weight bench & push up bench at the house already that we don't use. We moved it to the garage after the shuffle change with roomies; and it's still there. Today I plan on moving the push up bench in our room, purchasing another full length mirror, exercise ball and coming home to finish my leg routine.

I'm going to be adding:
"Step Up" routine
Alternate lunges
Glute Bridge with basketball
Lateral leg lifts
Sumo squats

Now I'm having a lot of issues with the tummy area. I'm doing the situps and stuff but it's working the inner muscles not the outer.. I need to get this flab to be flat! The only thing I've really found to add is planks. Are there any other suggestions in getting that tummy area to shrink down?? I can feel the abs under this flab - so I know that the crunches and cardio are working!

What workouts are you currently doing??

Monday, September 16, 2013

Love Clouded Eyes

I think it's no hidden secret that relationships are hard. No just romantic relationships but all relationships require work. I personally believe that the three biggest things in a relationship is trust; honesty and communication. I'd like to share a conversation that the hubby & I had after our workout this am. We were walking to my car to put his gym bag away & we stopped over at the smoke deck. He is H and I am M.

H: "I don't know why but I feel sexy this morning"
M: "You are sexy"
H: "I think you just have love clouded eyes, plus you are my wife so you have to say that"
M: "What does that mean? Just because we are married doesn't mean that I have to find you sexy or that I would lie to you."
H: "That you are in love so it clouds the actual appearance of things. Then again I think it speaks to my low sense of self; just like you when I compliment you. You usually don't believe me when I say you are pretty - you have a come back of "ooh my stomach is big", "my thighs are huge" or something along those lines".
M: "So if a beautiful woman walks up and says you are sexy then you wouldn't believe her?"
H: "No - well it depended on the way she said it. I would initially think she was being condescending."
M: "Well I think you are sexy & you should be grateful that your wife has 'Love Clouded Eyes' for her husband because I feel that is very rare."

We demonstrate our insecurities in so many different ways & I don't feel that it's a hidden thing that the hubby & I have them. I know that our social media sources really play a big part in that too. I can't tell you I work out as hard as I can, or that I push myself to be super healthy. I can't complain about gaining a couple of pounds after eating fast food for a week or that I feel or society doesn't egg that pressure on. I can say that I feel that it's important to tell our loved ones that they are beautiful, sexy and special. To point out those qualities that we love so much & I hope that my daughter is raised in a home that gives her enough self esteem to make it through our cruel world.

There is a lot more that I can say on this topic but I will stop here. I don't believe that just one person can change the world, but a group of people. I hope that this conversation that I shared shows that both men and women can be affected by self esteem and body image issues. We can change some of these by simply honestly telling our loved ones how special they are.

Friday, September 13, 2013

HSG test: check!

Thursday I had my HSG test.

We showed up around 1:15 so that I could go get a urine pregnancy test done in OB. They gave me the yellow slip saying that I wasn't pregnant and off we went. I took a 800mg ibuprofen before heading to Radiology - as instructed but decided to not take the Valium until after the procedure. Learn from me & Do Not Do This!! Take the Valium or whatever they give you WITH your ibuprofen!!

After getting changed I was put on a table and asked for my feet to touch each other and my legs make a 'butterfly'. It hurt a little entering the catheter - not gonna lie - but it was more the pressure feeling then anything. The Radiologist came in and started taking pics of my uterus before the dye was inserted.
Once the dye was starting to be inserted I started to feel a stinging sensation through my right side. The pain got so intense I started to ask them to stop.. but she kept saying "we are almost done, you are doing so good!".  The Radiologist had me move to my left side about three different times and back to my back. The pain was unbearable. My poor hubby just looked at me with empathy and concern as I laid there crying and begging them to stop. The Radiologist said something like "I dont' know why the dye wont go in that side". The Nurse apologized about three different times; but I thought it was due to the intense pain I was in.

I didn't really look at the screens around me but my hubby did. He said that one said was a thin wispy line and the other was a much thicker line. Due to him being concerned about me he didn't take a picture of the screen as he promised. I'm not sure what any of this means but I go back next Thursday to hear their advice. From what I do know is that the wispy line could mean a blockage or nothing at all..

After getting home I took the Valium and fell asleep for four hours... i woke up and walked around - ate some food - and still felt crampy.

I'm praying that this isn't something bad. I'm praying that they two different sides don't mean something is really wrong but if I have a blocked tube then surgery is in my future.

Hopefully I'll have great news come next Friday about this HSG follow up.

Thursday, September 12, 2013


So yesterday's post was a tad dramatic.
I do feel very overwhelmed & I do feel really out of control. I'm not sure how to balance the stress that I feel. I can feel myself start to unravel and it's a very unsettling feeling of confusion and irritation.

My HSG test is today. I'm not nervous at all - just ready to move forward with the next couple of steps. I'm praying that they don't find anything wrong & I'm praying that we will be able to move forward to the next steps. They have loaded me up on antibiotics twice a day, prenatal vitamins, birth control pills and ibuprofen. I've also been given a Valium to take after the procedure is done to help with discomfort. I remember doing this test in 2007 without any Valium, birth control pills & antibiotics.. I remember watching the whole thing. My concern with today is not being able to watch the procedure being done, I want to see right then if anything is wrong.

My female roomie & I talked a long time about everything yesterday.
I know and see that I've put a lot of pressure on myself to drop weight before getting pregnant, here is why. I want to enjoy my pregnancy without worrying about Gestational Diabetes. The fact that if I gained 30 pounds I'd be over 200 pds scares the crap out of me. I want to make sure that I keep working out during my pregnancy for that reason & a happier delivery. My roomie was saying that it's very scary with your first pregnancy to do a lot of things - it will add stress & there is a higher chance of a miscarriage. That freaked me out and made my head go dizzy.

The fact that I've been trying for so long & now we are hearing that it has a 95% chance of happening has really made me stress. All those questions float through your mind & it's hard to ignore them. Are we ready to have a baby? Would we be good parents? Do I have the patience to have a baby and deal with deployments? Should we wait a couple more months and rebuild our nest egg? 
Then there are the other questions that float around like what if this doesn't work? What if we end up four months from now with nothing? Do I really want to go through this? Do I really want to put my relationships through this stress? I'm not sure you can explain to people who haven't been down this road how stressful and terrifying it actually is.

How do you destress? How do you unwind? What are some suggestions on how I can calm my head? We aren't in the position to spend a lot of money - so something that's not crazy expensive. At this point I'll try anything to keep from going insane & losing my chance of a pregnancy due to stress.

This is a real post about how I feel it's not in the context of 'poor me' just a general post about dealing and overcoming stress. 

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

hormonal rant

This could very possibly be a TMI post; so you have been warned. 

I haven't been able to have a period since July.
The Dr's have pumped me full of birth control pills since July 15th.
My body is started to unravel at the seams.
Since started my workouts again I've been spotting.
I can't have my HSG test if I am 'bleeding' so I freaked and called the Dr's office.
Of course it's "Just hang on a couple more days Mrs P" bullshit .. I'd like them to feel bloated, crampy, nausea and irritated all the damn time.
Not to mention that something changes every week and I promise if they have me take ONE MORE week of these stupid birth control pills I'm going to scream.
Since I'm complaining -They are making me take prenatal vitamins.
My body hates them.
I take them at night so I'm not so irritable; but no such luck.
They make me moody, nauseas, hungry and emotional.

I know I'm at the midpoint of this road. I know that the next chapter is going to be 9 full months of awe and excitement; but Lord help me. The strength I thought I had to go through all of this is hindering and we aren't even to the fertility meds yet. Sometimes knowing each step is more damaging than going through this blind.As thankful as I am to have gotten this far; I have to stop and tell myself I can keep going.

My body has it's breaking points. As I stress over dropping pounds before getting pregnant; as a diversion if nothing else; it causes more stress. I feel like a broken record - repeating the same fears and complaints over & over with no solace. Wanting to be the best; prepare for the most desired event to happen and wondering if I'm jinxing myself the whole way. I don't want to be overweight & pregnant. I want to workout through my whole pregnancy to ensure a healthy pregnancy. I know I'm not the only person who has felt like this or gone through this; but right now I feel alone testing out new territory.

At this point I just want to have a period. (Never thought I'd say those words). I know that I can't because everything is timed with medicine after that point. So to a degree I feel like I no longer have control over my own body.

Ok. I'm done complaining. I just wanted to share how I feel. Really hoping and praying that they don't find anything wrong with my fallopian tubes on Thursday.

Monday, September 9, 2013

I'm still around....

Hi everyone! 

Our trip to Arizona was amazing! We were welcomed with open arms & participated in so much stuff! The weekend went way too quick though; which was the saddest part of the whole weekend. We went quadding, to dinner, had a birthday party for a 4 & 5 yr old, ran around Arizona and shared in home meals with the whole family. It was so nice and relaxing.. did I mention that we were beyond spoiled? Breakfast & coffee every morning.. amazing lunches and two incredible home cooked meals. I almost cried when we left but although short; it was awesome. I learned that my dogs have a HUGE separation anxiety issue & that we need to do weekend getaways more often.

Tuesday I started my day off with my pre-op appointment. My least favorite of the two Dr's was on the rounds & changed our plan of action again. So this coming Thursday I'll have a HSG dye test done. They want to check my tubes for any blockage or damage that Eddie might have caused. I should be able to start the Clomid & Trigger shot after my follow up appointment on September 19th. Should being the key word; every time I go in something is changed or they want to run more tests... but I'm happy that they are taking all these extra steps so that we don't have any pregnancy issues later. I got to see pictures of the benign tumor that they removed; it was nasty. I also got to see the inside of my uterus and the entrance to my fallopian tubes; which was awesome!! 

Leaving the Dr's office I got a flat tire which offset the remainder of my day. Grocery shopping on Wed was a great treat - the female roomie went with and we took our sweet time while enjoying the AC at the Commissary. We also walked around the NEX and indulged in some Starbucks. 

I restarted my workouts with the hubby on Thursday - which was nice. I've really been looking up "kettlebell" exercises and applying those to our workouts. I can totally feel the effects of the Kettlebell squats and the dumbell side bends with a 25lb weight. We've been using the Leg Press, the seat abductor/adductor outer/inner thigh, the hip raise machine, and leg raises machine.  Then the next day we really focus on arms. My Dr told me that I should start focusing my workouts on "pregnancy" workouts so I don't stress my body out with the sudden change. I have no idea what "pregnancy" workouts are & to be honest pinterest is no help in this matter. Suggestions??

Otherwise it's HOT. Our house, like many in SD, doesn't have ac. So these 100* degree days heat up the house so quickly & it's hard to get anything done. I stayed up all night Saturday just to clean the house - so not kidding. My awesome hubby bought a AC window unit and roomie couple did too. Ours should arrive this afternoon & be installed tonight.. hoping it will cool this blazing house off!! This is my explanation for being MIA for a week. 

I'd love to hear some pregnancy workout suggestions. 
Hope you enjoyed a couple of picture collages from our trip to Arizona.