Wednesday, September 11, 2013

hormonal rant

This could very possibly be a TMI post; so you have been warned. 

I haven't been able to have a period since July.
The Dr's have pumped me full of birth control pills since July 15th.
My body is started to unravel at the seams.
Since started my workouts again I've been spotting.
I can't have my HSG test if I am 'bleeding' so I freaked and called the Dr's office.
Of course it's "Just hang on a couple more days Mrs P" bullshit .. I'd like them to feel bloated, crampy, nausea and irritated all the damn time.
Not to mention that something changes every week and I promise if they have me take ONE MORE week of these stupid birth control pills I'm going to scream.
Since I'm complaining -They are making me take prenatal vitamins.
My body hates them.
I take them at night so I'm not so irritable; but no such luck.
They make me moody, nauseas, hungry and emotional.

I know I'm at the midpoint of this road. I know that the next chapter is going to be 9 full months of awe and excitement; but Lord help me. The strength I thought I had to go through all of this is hindering and we aren't even to the fertility meds yet. Sometimes knowing each step is more damaging than going through this blind.As thankful as I am to have gotten this far; I have to stop and tell myself I can keep going.

My body has it's breaking points. As I stress over dropping pounds before getting pregnant; as a diversion if nothing else; it causes more stress. I feel like a broken record - repeating the same fears and complaints over & over with no solace. Wanting to be the best; prepare for the most desired event to happen and wondering if I'm jinxing myself the whole way. I don't want to be overweight & pregnant. I want to workout through my whole pregnancy to ensure a healthy pregnancy. I know I'm not the only person who has felt like this or gone through this; but right now I feel alone testing out new territory.

At this point I just want to have a period. (Never thought I'd say those words). I know that I can't because everything is timed with medicine after that point. So to a degree I feel like I no longer have control over my own body.

Ok. I'm done complaining. I just wanted to share how I feel. Really hoping and praying that they don't find anything wrong with my fallopian tubes on Thursday.

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