So yesterday's post was a tad dramatic.
I do feel very overwhelmed & I do feel really out of control. I'm not sure how to balance the stress that I feel. I can feel myself start to unravel and it's a very unsettling feeling of confusion and irritation.
My HSG test is today. I'm not nervous at all - just ready to move forward with the next couple of steps. I'm praying that they don't find anything wrong & I'm praying that we will be able to move forward to the next steps. They have loaded me up on antibiotics twice a day, prenatal vitamins, birth control pills and ibuprofen. I've also been given a Valium to take after the procedure is done to help with discomfort. I remember doing this test in 2007 without any Valium, birth control pills & antibiotics.. I remember watching the whole thing. My concern with today is not being able to watch the procedure being done, I want to see right then if anything is wrong.
My female roomie & I talked a long time about everything yesterday.
I know and see that I've put a lot of pressure on myself to drop weight before getting pregnant, here is why. I want to enjoy my pregnancy without worrying about Gestational Diabetes. The fact that if I gained 30 pounds I'd be over 200 pds scares the crap out of me. I want to make sure that I keep working out during my pregnancy for that reason & a happier delivery. My roomie was saying that it's very scary with your first pregnancy to do a lot of things - it will add stress & there is a higher chance of a miscarriage. That freaked me out and made my head go dizzy.
The fact that I've been trying for so long & now we are hearing that it has a 95% chance of happening has really made me stress. All those questions float through your mind & it's hard to ignore them. Are we ready to have a baby? Would we be good parents? Do I have the patience to have a baby and deal with deployments? Should we wait a couple more months and rebuild our nest egg?
Then there are the other questions that float around like what if this doesn't work? What if we end up four months from now with nothing? Do I really want to go through this? Do I really want to put my relationships through this stress? I'm not sure you can explain to people who haven't been down this road how stressful and terrifying it actually is.
How do you destress? How do you unwind? What are some suggestions on how I can calm my head? We aren't in the position to spend a lot of money - so something that's not crazy expensive. At this point I'll try anything to keep from going insane & losing my chance of a pregnancy due to stress.
This is a real post about how I feel it's not in the context of 'poor me' just a general post about dealing and overcoming stress.