Tuesday, October 15, 2013

I've gone Cray Cray!!

It's official I've gone Cray Cray!!

This weekend was the official 'hot mess' portion of my life.  Let me explain a couple of things.
I say this all the time but I don't cry very often! I talk about losing my cool & letting a tear or two crawl down my face on the blog but I don't cry in front of people. When I do, its 10x worse ~ I feel embarrassed & it makes me cry more ~ with that in mind I'll continue with my story.

Yesterday I went to get my hair done.

I'm in love with my hair & I'm in love with my hair lady. She is, what I call, a fertility veteran. She went through numerous IUI's & IVF treatments before finding a Dr who created the perfect combo of meds & she got preggers! Now she has 4 kiddo's & only one is a IVF baby. Once in her chair I unload with all the lingo & list of meds and we chat about symptoms. Mid way through my list of meds she asked me when I take a pregnancy test. I said the 18th without skipping a beat, which I had in my head was next Monday, when she showed me that it was this week. {Insert hyperventilation here}. I told her I hadn't processed the testing & she gave me a crazy look ~ which sent me into a silent tizzy. 

Now for those who have gone through the 2WW (week wait) then you know that you all but go nuts! Every symptom is either googled &/or cataloged. For me I like to look to make sure it's a symptom of the meds because I already know it's not a real symptom. When I get a symptom ~ like sore boobs ~ I start to freak out because to me no symptoms are good. That's not really logical considering both the HCG shot & the progesterone are actual pregnancy hormones, which create false-real symptoms. The symptoms start to drop off as you get closer to your test date.. which makes it a little easier. 

Once arriving home I tried to talk to the Hubby about the fact that this week was test week. He was playing a game & wasn't really listening to me while on the inside I was freaking out! Our roomies were in the living room too & I was trying to keep my voice calm and level. I talked about either buying a pee test or going to Balboa to take a free pee test. My female roomie stated that they have cheap generic tests & he just simply answered "buy the cheapest one". Which made this whole  BIG moment cheap, which instantly channeled the crazy lady in my head. I lost control of her & she took over. I started crying and throwing things around. I couldn't get my words out to explain my feelings or thoughts.. which made the whole show that much more embarrassing. After I felt like I had officially made everyone think I was insane, I stormed off to my room- threw myself of the bed and had an adult temper tantrum. {Side note: texting while you are angry isn't as gratifying as it should be! My iphone got a beating while trying to explain things out to my best friend Jeff.} Three hours later I came out from my room & the three of them were still talking about the damn game they were playing, which sent me off into another world wind of anger. Finally I got a moment to explain to my hubby, full of tears, sobs, snot buggers, and those weird bubbles you mouth form while crying and talking at the same time, that he has cheapened a moment that is monumental. 

For me I either start a new chapter or start all over. Starting all over comes with it's own extra's. It's not just the meds on higher dosages, it's The questioning which nobody tells you about. The silent torcher that every women on fertility meds goes through, even if they don't admit it.  Did I workout too much or not enough?, did I drink too much coffee?, Did I rest too much or not enough?, Did I google things to much?, Did the ONE day I cleaned the litter box just ruin this whole thing? What did I do wrong? What shouldn't I do this next round?... the list goes on and on. Then comes the bigger question.. Do I really want to do this all over again? Which in the end is always yes. So you take a deep breath and dive back into the whole routine again. For some you take the next battle alone - isolating yourself & not telling anyone why you are crying over a rain drop. Afraid that you will disappoint your support system, your husband & yourself. You've let yourself down. You failed.  {Now while you can't see me, I assure you that tear are flowing down my face faster than I can type.. because these are real & raw feelings.} I'm terrified to pee on that stick... scared that two pink lines won't appear & that I've failed. Lost in the thought of letting all of these sweet people down that have cheered me one from day 1. 

The final thing to remember with dealing with a friend who got a negative test. Hearing "aww I'm sorry", "it will happen next time", "oh no"... all of those crazy phrases people come up with actually hurt more. Why? Because you feel like a failure.. you feel like you've let everyone down. So hearing those phrases just make those thoughts a reality. So what do you do then? Grab a bottle of wine to have with her (well any kind of alcohol really), a box of chocolates, a huge cake with a TON of frosting, or plan a lunch date. Something that has NOTHING to do with babies or kiddos. You have kids.. try not to bring them into the conversation unless they are brought up.. knowing you were able to accomplish the ONE thing we just failed at.. it's a low blow. And last but not least ... this is NOT the time to announce that you or someone you or both of you know is pregnant. And yes I've had that happen to me before... please don't do it.

I want to keep saying "Thank you" to all of you for following along with me. It's easier to hide my tears behind a computer screen then it is to face someone - for me. So I really appreciate all of you who comment or simply read the cray cray emotions I'm currently facing. I do take a pregnancy test this week, but I have not decided which day I want to do it. Either way I just feel like I'm not ready to know, I don't know if I'm ready to handle a negative test.. even though i'm praying it's positive. 

7 comments:

  1. Deciding when to take that test is nerve wracking! The first month we did treatments I ended up testing 2 days earlier than suggested but it was seriously driving me crazy so I had to. It was negative and I wasn't upset like I thought I would be. The second month I tested two days before the suggested time and got positives. My husband was so mad at me for testing early both times because they could have been false negatives/positives. I'm thinking of you! Try not to stress too much.

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    1. The HCG is out of your system in 10 days so I take the liberty of bulking up on pg tests before then. I can't totally relate with testing early! My hubby was irritated that I want to test early too. Thank you. It's very nerve wracking! It's just a ton of emotions that I really didn't prepare for. Its in that hidden pamplet they never give you of what REALLY to expect. Can you really get a false negative?? I just wish they scheduled you for a blood test the day you do your IUI/ IVF that way we don't stress out so much.. <3, Amy

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    2. ** I CAN totally relate with testing early!! **

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    3. I've got my fingers crossed girl!!! That 2WW is the worst!

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    4. Thank you! I have to say that of all these meds and crap - the 2WW is the worst! Glad someone else can agree with me. lol

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  2. The 2WW is terrible! It's hard not to focus on it because it's something you want SO bad. Either way, know that you're doing everything right and doing your best. I did a round of clomid with tons of monitoring with the trigger shot, timed everything perfectly, and still got a negative! We moved in with my in-laws, decided not to do another round, and I got pregnant. I didn't think it was possible and had no idea because the "symptoms" weren't what I expected. I know how you feel with all of it and just know that it will get better. The process is so emotional and exhausting, but you have such a good support system :)

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    1. Thank you Kate! I was so over the moon for you when you announced your pregnancy! And you adorable little boy, Matthew, is so precious! Thank you. I forget how awesome my support system is from time to time. I do feel like I've gone clinically insane! I'm so thankful that others can relate to this horrible 2WW, which is almost over! <3, Amy

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