Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Happy New Year!!

While we are also celebrating starting our 12th week of pregnancy.. 

I hope you all stay safe & warm this New Years Eve! 
Hoping 2015 brings you all a ton of blessings!! 
Welcome 2015!!!

Monday, December 29, 2014

11w 5d

I hope that everyone had a Merry Christmas! Now it's time to ring in the New Year! The holiday months go by so quickly that it's hard to soak it all in at times. I'm really sad that it's already time to take down the tree and the decorations. Even though we bought a new tree for next year, it's just sad that it all has come to a end.
I'm not doing new year resolutions this time. I feel like every time I list the changes I want to make aloud they never happen. SO I'm keeping them quiet this year. Plus I only have three personal things I want to see happen in 2015 because everything is centered around our bundle of joy!
Next weekend the plan is to get our registry's done. I'm not really sure why we are doing a registry other then it will keep us focused on what we have purchased and still need to purchase. I'm not really counting on outside help to get this stuff. Since my husband is also dead set on not finding out gender - creating a neutral nursery and purchasing neutral clothing has been a beast. I'm leaning more towards boy stuff because it's easier to put a girl in blue then a boy in pink - not that I personally care. It's also been really hard explaining to people that I'm honoring my husbands wishes and not finding out gender. In other words I'm not going to cheat and ask my Dr when he's not around. I'll have to wait and be surprised just like he wants to be.

So far everything with the pregnancy has gone great!
We have already have our first OB appointment.
We got the baby registered and received a TON of information packets from the hospital. SO much information to go through and the support options are amazing!!
We are currently 11w & 5d.
I swear I can feel the baby moving around from time to time.
I'm starting to get some of my energy back & get more things accomplished.
We started walking around our neighborhood in the evenings & I'm always shocked on how out of breath I get.
I'm excited that we are almost done with the first trimester!!
I'm also taking advantage of 'nap' time because I know that will end after the baby is born.
I also believe that you can start to see a baby bump so that's exciting. I'm sure it will be a while before I start to look pregnant instead of overweight.. but that's okay.

Everything seems to be moving fast & it's hard to slow it down and just soak it in. We are super excited and ready to start this new journey. With open arms we welcome 2015!!

I hope everyone has a safe and happy New Year!!

Friday, December 12, 2014

Next Christmas

This is our last Christmas as just husband & wife. Next Christmas we will be Daddy & Momma. It's a little crazy thinking about it that way. We'll have a six month old and it will be so much fun to fill stockings and play Santa!
Christmas has taken a back seat with us this year just because we know it's a our last 'slow' Christmas. We know that after this year it will never be the same.. it will be better! So while we have trimmed the tree.. that's about it. The husband made me promise that I would take it easy. It's driving me nuts because I LOVE decorating for Christmas.
I'm excited for the new year. All the changes that are happening. All those exciting moments I have been waiting for are now coming to pass. It's just all happening so fast.
I'm anxious to set up our nursery in Feb/March and I'm super excited for a summer pregnancy. Face it maternity clothes are expensive and annoying. I'm so thankful that right now I can still wear a couple pairs of jeans and get away with yoga pants. I just think summer clothes for clothing a bump is way easier.

Well that's all i got for now. We have another Dr's appointment on the 19th so hopefully it comes with a ultrasound too. Try to get more updates in before we are completely out of our first trimester.
Hope everyone is having a great Christmas season and enjoying the fun stuff we get to do as parents.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

9 weeks

I can't believe we are already at 9 weeks!! This pregnancy is just developing so quickly.
Today we said goodbye to our friends and Dr's in the infertility center. I wasn't prepared to say goodbye. Honestly I thought I'd stay with them through my first trimester. I cried when I got to my SUV because of the relationships we have created with the nurses and doctors. It's a triumph to say the least.

My little "green olive" is developing perfectly! S/he was flipping around during the ultrasound and it was so adorable! The heart beat was incredibly strong at 178; which is also a huge triumph! We also got our first two 3D ultrasound pictures which is amazing!!

In just a couple of weeks we will have sailed through our first trimester and it all seems to be going so fast! We have the nursery decor all picked out. We've picked out the furniture and the other baby essentials - well the big stuff anyway. It feels like I have waited a lifetime for this moment and it's all going so fast!!

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

7 weeks 5 days

We are a couple days away from being 8 weeks pregnant! It's just so surreal to keep saying that I am pregnant. I'm very happy that I haven't experienced morning sickness. I'm very tired and I have been taking extra folic acid to help with energy levels. I'm also taking progesterone injections so that makes me tired too but the folic acid helps!! We have already had our first ultrasound and we will going to our second pretty soon. I'm excited but again it's so surreal!!

It's funny because I thought the moment that I found out I was pregnant I would break down in happy tears. That didn't happen. I thought when I started telling people I was pregnant I would get emotional - but that didn't happen either. I also thought that our first ultrasound would be so emotional especially hearing the babies heart beat. My husband cried but I just smiled. The hubby & I bought our first two boxes of diapers this weekend and putting them in the cart I just busted out in tears. "We are buying diapers for our baby!"  I guess it just hits us all in different ways.

Nothing really to really report here. I'm super glad that I'm not hugging a toilet all day & I'm super glad that the folic acid. The husband really wants to keep the gender a secret until birth - meaning he doesn't want us to find out at all. It's really hard finding a gender neutral nursery design that I like so I think I'm going to have to be really creative.  I'm also getting to the pint where it's hard to button my pants. So I'm hoping to get the go ahead to go back to the gym because I feel it's a little early for maternity clothes.. but then again what do I know.

I'm going to really try to update the blog more frequently. Next week after our ultrasound I'll be sure to update more.

Friday, November 21, 2014


We are currently 6 weeks & 2 days along!! 
Due Summer 2015! 

Monday, November 3, 2014

getting excited.

It's been a couple of days since my last update and there isn't a lot of change. We have a couple more days until we take our blood test but it's very promising. After taking two pregnancy tests I'm super excited for Friday.

With this journey I've been googling foods to eat & drink. What to avoid and what to stock up on. I have learned that while Green Tea is amazing for infertility and conception - it's horrible for pregnancy. Aside from the caffeine it and says "that you should avoid Green tea in early pregnancy because if blocks your ability to absorb folic acid." Scary right? I mean who realizes they are pregnant within the 3-5 weeks if you aren't in 'infertility'??! Still want to drink a warm cup of tea? What are some good teas to drink during early pregnancy? Here are two really great options according to Roobio's Tea, Ginger Tea and Chamomile. Nettle Tea and Red Raspberry Tea is also great for you during your second and third trimester. Feel free to look up your own information considering the teas to drink during your pregnancy.

I've been also trying to eat a lot of different foods. My personal favorite right now is hot oatmeal for breakfast. Non fat milk, orange juice, and water. Fruits like banana's and apples. Broccoli & lean meats are really important too. I have also found that chili sounds great but seriously is not a great idea. I'm still learning. It's so easy to gravitate towards chips and queso.

Of all the things I've tried to do this past couple of weeks is drink a cup of coffee. Now you may think that because I'm a huge coffee drinker that just drinking one cup is hard for me. NOPE. I can't seem to drink a cup of coffee - I lost the taste for it. Which is a good thing considering I'm trying to cut my caffeine intake anyway.

What are some things you love(d) to eat while you were pregnant? Some favorite drinks you can suggest? Many a website with great food ideas?
this was not a paid advertisement post. 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

taking it easy

It's been a couple of days since our embryo transfer. We ended up transferring two embryo's and freezing one. Our embryologist was able to give us pictures of each and every one of our embryo's - which was very emotional for me. Since I've shared this picture on instagram and facebook I'll share it with you guys too:

This is our strongest embryo that we used which our doctors named the "over achiever". I think that once we find out that these babies decided to stick around I'm going to put these individual embryo pictures on a canvas. Kinda weird I know but it's their first baby picture. We also got our first ultrasound to see the babies after they were implanted and THAT was very emotional for the both of us.

The Dr told me to take it easy for three days. Not bed rest but close enough. No sweeping, no vaccuming, no mopping, no bending over and no lifting anything. Which in my house equals bed rest. My husband has been amazing! The house is really dirty, in my opinion, since I haven't been able to do anything for almost two weeks. BUT he's been doing dishes, loading the washer and dryer while I fold, cleaning the kitty box, feeding the dogs.. all the stuff I normally do.

So what have I been doing? Watching Ghost Hunters all day. October is a the best time to watch ghost shows.. so it's been awesome!! No honestly I'm losing my mind. I like to stay busy so just laying around all day isn't easy or fun for me. Top it all off everybody is busy and I have been by myself. I can't just skype or call someone to keep my day going.. so that's been really hard too.

I'm taking estrogen and progesterone until we take a blood test because it helps 'glue' the pregnancy together. I have talked to our Dr everyday for the past week & he seems pretty confident that this worked for us. He's also confident that we will be having twins but we will tell in good time. I'm not having any symptoms with the meds or otherwise. I have a very black n blue belly button which they think is from the baby aspirin.

That's all. I will try to enjoy my last day of watching Ghost Hunters and dreaming of potatoes (because that's what I do now... another blog post). It's almost Halloween so I'm looking forward to the awesome costume posts!!!

Sunday, October 26, 2014

day before Embryo Transfer

I've been updating my IVF journey on the blog & on instagram. I keep sharing thsi stuff for myself later, and for others to hopefully feel more comfortable about IVF. I was so apprehensive to try IVF myself so I feel it's important to share my story.
So we are on day 4.
Yesterday and today we got great news that everything is developing correctly. We have a single embryo that is really developing and the Dr has named it the "over achiever". I have been very thrilled to hear daily updates and it's made the process so amazing! These are things that we would never know or see with having a 'bedroom' baby.
Our Dr has talked to us about only using the 'over achiever' for our embryo transfer. I've decided to go ahead with two embryo's and not just use one. The reason is.. I have this *feeling* that the over achiever is too good. I know it sounds weird and silly. I'd rather use two and take my chances with a multiple pregnancy then to put all my chips in one basket.  So i want to use two and then we will freeze the remaining five.
Since we are also transfering on day 5 - we have a shorter wait period to find out if it worked. The process from here is that the embryo "cryo blast" should hatch from the egg and burrow into the uterine lining. From that point should take a couple of days for the HCG surge to go through the body.  We should be able to take a pregnancy test on the 7th of Nov. I want to wait a little while to announce a pregnancy - well at least wait until the 8 week mark.
This should be a quick procedure tomorrow. I should be back up and doing my normal routine Tuesday. Thank you all for following us along. It's important that I documented this journey no matter what happens.  It's been a great experience and I'm really happy we decided to go down this path.

Friday, October 24, 2014

day 2 update.

I apologize to all those who are tired of reading about my IVF stuff. I know it's a little much but it's a great way to document the steps that we took to have a baby. I also know that I will be turning this into a book - just like I did "Trial & Triumphs of Loving my Sailor". So thank you to all who are reading and following along. Please feel free to follow along on instagram too.

Day 2:

Our Dr called this am for our daily update and I was just blown away on what he had to say. Yesterday I posted about how we have 'half a dozen' embryo's. Today we found out that we have 7!! One of the six took a slow start to dividing so it wasn't counted - but at today's check he said it divided perfectly and we now have 7!! I have seven babies!! lol
So we have two that split into five cells, four that split into four cells and the one that split into three! So they look like this today.

So tomorrow our cells should be split into 8 cells. I'm super excited these babies are doing so well. I can't wait to share with you guys the progress tomorrow! We do our transfer on Monday and so far we are still using two and freezing the rest.

Until tomorrow. Please keep praying with me.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

half a dozen

We got our first update on our babies.
Yesterday we retrieved 12 eggs and today we found out that we have 6 fertilized embryo's.
As the days go by they should continue to split. Tomorrow our babies should look like little clovers. Saturday they should look like a 8 celled flower. Ok lets tone it down a little and take this day by day. Today our little eggies look like this {this is NOT one of our actual eggs}:

We did find out that our embryo transfer will be on Monday. Until then I'm taking progesterone injections once a day, doxycycline {again}, and another antibiotic.
I'm feeling good. The retrieval made me feel like I have heavy cramping which is where the percocet has come into play. My plan tomorrow is try and take ibuprofen instead of the percocet.

I'm not going to lie and I say I didn't tear up when I found out we lost six eggs. I will say that according the Dr that this is a normal process. Although he couldn't give me a apx % of how many would survive the remaining journey before embryo transfer. I will say that I have said more prayers in the past week then I have my whole life.

I also know to people these are just cells. To me - these are our babies. I wish I could be there in the lab watching over them. Praying for them. Whispering how much I already love them. I wish I could send them my energy and think I have given them a will to keep growing. I know it sounds silly.
Hopefully tomorrow we are still working with a healthy half dozen.

Please keep praying for our babies. I can't wait to inform you all on our healthy six tomorrow.

our egg retrieval

Yesterday we had our Egg Retrieval.  If you follow me on instagram or facebook then you have already heard that everything went great! Just stopping in to make a quick update post for those following us along. 

Everything went really smoothly and they were able to retrieve 12 eggs! I was being rolled out of the operating room when they were telling my husband. I must of snapped out of the anesthesia as they rolled me to recovery because when I heard that I started to cry. I kept repeating "12?" and my Dr started to laugh. The nurse was worried I was going to scratch my face with my IV so she held my hand all the way to recovery. As we got into recovery our Dr gave us a list of things we have to do before the Embryo transfer. 

We got to the hospital around 9:15 and went back for the retrieval around 10:30. We went back to recovery around 12:30 it took us a little longer then expected to go home. We waited almost two hours.  The only thing I wanted after we left the hospital was Jack n Box. I'm not sure when my love for Jack happened but it hit the spot. 

So now comes the hardest part .. staying still for the next 48 hours. I feel fine. I'm in pain but it just feels like the worst cramps ever. Not too bad. I can say that I'm beyond excited that they were able to get 12 eggs. Now we wait to see how many of the eggs become fertilized and can survive all they way to the embryo transfer. I'm hoping we'll get an update sometime today or tomorrow on how our little ones are doing. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

we made a wish

we made a wish

the last time I wrote I talked about a level scare and since then it has been a winding road. I started with 22 eggs and as we continued I lost 14. The drop was due to the fluctuation in the meds because my Dr was scared when my levels got slightly high - which I wrote about in my last post. My Dr upped my meds back to what they were and we started to see some egg growth. When I went in for a sonogram on Friday we had four eggs and my Dr explained that if we didn't get more then four mature eggs then we would have to stop. We'd stop the meds and start them all over to get at least four mature eggs to move forward with. On Sunday I went in for another sonogram to find that I had 1 mature egg, two semi mature and about 6 smaller ones. He didn't seem really hopeful that we would be moving forward.

I'm not going to lie I went home and cried. It was the most devastating thing to hear but I also understood the process. I went to bed Sunday night and prayed. I prayed that if we were meant to do this then we would have the eggs we needed. I prayed that God would give me peace & understanding of the situation. I prayed for comfort and guidance on moving forward. I prayed that the medicine I have/had been injecting myself with would work - if this was our cycle.
Today I went in for our final sonogram. It was a late sonogram - which was good because it gave me time to pray again, talk to my Mom & brother. I found peace in the thought of having to start the injections all over.

I showed up early and was really nervous about what we were going to find and disguise. I had written a couple of questions down to ask the Dr as well. I cant' explain how amazed and speechless I was when our sonogram showed 7 mature eggs. 7! We went from one mature egg to seven in less then 24 hours. The number is lower then what my husband & I wanted but it was a blessing to hear that we had 7. My Dr felt very confident that we should move forward and scheduled our egg retrieval for Wednesday the 22nd.  My Dr also felt that taking another dosage of the injections would hopefully get us a couple more eggs and our number would be greater then 7. Tonight I took my set of injections and in a hour I'll take my 'trigger' shot. The trigger shot will slow down ovulation and give us time to get in for our retrieval.

What happens from here is that I wont have to take any medication tomorrow {yay!} Wednesday we will wake up and head to the hospital for our retrieval. The eggs & sperm will be mixed together and monitored. They will be looking for fertilization and embryo growth. I'll be sent home with strict bed rest orders for at least 48hrs. The embryo's will be graded by their growth & we will be updated daily on their growth. We are aware that we could lose some of the eggs due too not fertilizing or not make it through the 'blast' stage. Three - Five days later we will take the best two fertilized embryo's and do a 'embryo transfer'. I'll have a week of staying off my feet as much as possible to allow my body to heal in time for the transfer. Then the next couple of days of rest is to help the embryo's get comfortable so it will stay.

Our journey is almost complete. We will be 75% of the way after the embryo transfer then we'll have another 10-12 days before we take a blood pregnancy test. It all seems so far away but it will go so fast. So as I'm thankful that this is almost over, blessed on the results that we have gotten and ready to see a positive pregnancy test. So here is to making a wish and praying it comes true. Thank you all for your support and following along. Hopefully we have some good news to share with everyone in Dec. I want to make sure to get past 8 weeks before we share if we are pregnant or not since I've had a hard time caring past that 8 weeks. Again Thank you all for following along & I appreciate all the prayers.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

level scare

A couple of things in this quick post. First lets get through the fertility stuff.

Yesterday I had blood work done so they could check my estrogen levels. The Dr called to say that my levels were really high. So I learned that my levels are supposed to be between 200-300 right now and they were 325. Levels above 300 can be a sign of OHSS - which is really scary. I felt really positive about it though and made an appointment for a sonogram this morning.

This morning I went to get more blood work drawn & had my sonogram. I haven't gotten my levels back today for this mornings blood work but the sonogram went really well. The Dr said that sometimes a 'egg' gets away from the flock and does it's own thing. That doesn't seem to be the case and everything is going great. I have another sonogram on Friday morning and I should be able to start "gonadotropin" that evening.  Which means that we are still on track for our retrieval to be next week.

We bought our "Stagecoach" tickets for next April yesterday!! I'm super excited that we are going! Such an amazing line up and I'm NOT missing a chance to see Dierks Bentley - pregnant or not! Tickets are still on sale if you are wanting to go too - just go to {Let me know if you are going too!!} And here is the lineup for next year that stagecoach released early this month:

And lastly. I have a online Scentsy party going on for two more days! If you are wanting to order please do so before the 17th of October. You can order from any location so don't be shy ordering from Ohio or Texas. You can go too here facebook Scentsy page to check out any sales going on or go directly to her Scentsy page. Please just look for the party under "Amy" to place your order. Please let me know if you order so I can thank you for helping Erin out.

That's all I got for everyone today. I'd love to hear from you so please feel free to leave me a comment! You can also follow me through my facebook blog page & through my instagram account. I'd love to hear from you!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Columbus weekend.

How was everybody's weekend??

Friday my husband was home for the day. We took advantage of the day & finished my fabric shelf that I bought at a garage sale the Friday before. We worked together & got it all finished. Here is the shelf before I started working on it.

Below is the finished product.
I sanded it down.
Repainted it.
Linned the shelves with a liner to help the fabric not get caught on any splinters that would still be there. Plus it added a cute factor to the shelf.
I also added a backing to the shelf to add more durability to the shelf. It wobbled a lot before & I wanted to make sure it would stand the cats jumping on it.

After we put the shelf together I ran to my hair dresser so that she could retouch up my hair. The color keeps fading really fast. It lasted through two washes before I headed back to have it touched up. Hopefully it will last a little longer this time around because I really love this color. My hairdresser told me that red is the hardest color to keep and the hardest color to remove. Since it was blonde before it will take a couple of dyes before it sinks in. Fingers crossed.

Saturday morning I woke up to my phone going off asking me if I was watching THE bedlam game. University of Texas played Oklahoma University and it is THE game of the year. It was THE game when I lived in Oklahoma but now that I live in Cali I feel that I forget these things. I miss the simplicity and the friendliness of the South. I miss the excitement of college football games and getting together with friends and neighbors to watch a game. Although for us the game started at 9am it was a fun way to start the day off and share this with my husband. He witnessed the playful banter between friends over the teams and it was fun to watch him get into the game too.

After the UT and OU game my husband treated me to a pedicure. I bought a couple of nail polishes on Amazon a couple of weeks ago & I was excited to use one of them. My favorite polish was the OPI "Oktoberfest" and it's just as amazing on. We ended the day watching the Texas A&M game against Ole Miss. It was a fun day of college football and getting my toes done.

Sunday I woke up and was very nervous about the injections. I drank a cup of coffee on the front porch and just enjoyed the morning. At 10am my husband refilled my cup of coffee and surprised me by having my injection all ready. With menopur you have to empty a vile of liquid that looks like water and enter that liquid into another vile that has a white powder. You swish the liquid around and the powder dissolves. You take the syringe and empty the vile into it.. add a needle on the end and inject it. I was very smitten with the fact that he paid attention in injection class and had it ready for me. A couple hours after the injection of menopur I started to get really bad cramps. My hubby had duty so I got to wrestle these cramps by myself - thankfully.

 Before my husband left for watch he provided me with a handful of junk food to hold me over and it was really sweet. At 6pm I took my shot of follistim. Follistim comes in a injection pen that is super easy to use. I just tune the bottom of the pen to the dosage I'm supposed to take and inject it. I didn't have any issues with the follistim but I was feeling really bloated so I drank two cups of peppermint tea and went to bed.

Today I woke up and made breakfast. For the first time in my adult life I burnt bacon. I mean I burnt the bacon. On pinterest I found this pin about using your oven to make bacon. I love it! That's how I have made bacon for the past two years now. The problem was - I usually buy the THICK bacon & I bought just regular bacon on my last grocery trip. I shouldn't have left it in as long but I'm used to the THICK bacon. My sweet husband & my roomie cleaned the kitchen for me.. loaded the dishwasher.. wiped down the counters. I was very proud of them. I took my injection of menopur and we started our day with cleaning out our garage. It looks like it did when we moved it.. all the cob webs are gone, the floors are cleaned, the doors are wiped down and the dishwasher/dryer are spotless. After the garage got really cleaned we set down to talk about the upcoming party this weekend. I got my grocery list all together and left to go to the commissary. As I was leaving a friend showed up and I found out that it was closing at 4pm.

I made it to the store down the street - after stopping at Starbucks - and came back home to make a big batch of potato soup. After eating a big bowl of potato soup I feel asleep while the boys watched the 49ers game. My hubby woke me up to take my shot & I went back to sleep. My stomach is really hurting and it's hard to fall alseep.

Tomorrow I have to be up early so that I can go get bloodwork done & after that I need to run to the commissary. I have a busy week ahead of me. I'll share more about that on another post because lord knows this is long enough.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Our IVF journey has begun.

It's only been a couple of days since I last posted and I feel like I have so much to share!

Thursday I went to my RE and had an baseline ultrasound done. They made sure everything was ok and decided how much of the meds to give me. I had a great talk with my RE who told me that he was happy to see that we are finally going to do IVF. I respond to the meds really well so he is hoping that the low dosages and all the prior testing is going to pay off. Then he joked about how I should enjoy wearing jeans now because the meds make people really bloated and uncomfortable. Which reminds me.. I need want to stock up on some new comfy lounge pants.
I was directed to head to the pharmacy and get my meds. An hour later I walked out of the pharmacy with a huge bag of 13 boxes of meds... no seriously. I looked like I had won the pharmacy lotto.

At 2pm the husband & I went to what they called 'injection' class which I said before I thought was ridiculous considering I given myself injections before. We went to the San Diego Fertility Center & met with a really nice Dr. She talked to us about the storage of the embryo's & retaught us how to give injections. She was really nice & allowed us to ask all kinds of questions about the procedure. We left with goodies bags full of needles, syringe's, alcohol wipes and our very own super cool fertility folder.

After the talk with the Dr at the clinic the hubby & I left feeling really content and ready to start this journey.The positive feedback we heard from my RE and the Dr at the San Diego Fertility Clinic left us in a good place. I'm sure they don't tell people "well what the hell - we'll give it a go". I'm sure they are encouraging to every couple but all the same it gave us a boost of confidence in the procedure.  

I start giving myself injections on Sunday starting twice a day. I'll go back to my Dr's office for blood work on Tuesday so they can check my levels. The Dr reminded us that we aren't on a strict schedule with the retrieval date and it can fluctuate depending on how I respond to the meds. I'm praying it stays the 22nd because we have leave dates & such set up. 

Anyway other then that I've been enjoying my bottles glasses of wine while I can. Before I sign off I want to say Thank you all for following us through this amazing journey we are so blessed to do. It's such an amazing feeling to be able to afford to pursue our baby dreams. I encourage you to follow along with me on instagram or through facebook. I'll be posting pics and updates on both places as I go along.  

Thank you all again.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

goodbye Doxy

Today was my last day taking doxycycline. I can't believe we just took our last pill. The past ten days have just flown by. Tomorrow I stop taking birth control. I've been taking it for over three months now and I'm about to stop taking it. Thursday we have our baseline ultrasound that will map out our journey all the way to retrieval day.

My therapist asked me today how I was handling all of this. I can tell you all the facts and give you dates. I haven't googled anything about in-vitro either. I'm just trying to take this journey one day at a time but that doesn't answer his question. How am I handling all of this.

The honest answer is I'm not but I am in my own way. Every time we do a treatment I 'allow' myself to get excited and I plan ahead. I refuse to allow myself to do that this time. This is a different chapter and I'm afraid that I wont be able to keep my fingers from crossing or to stop myself from whispering silent prayers. I'm afraid to be excited and I'm afraid not too. I don't want to go through this, get a positive and not remember anything. I don't want to take pictures of injections or on retrieval day or on ultrasound days. At the same time I want all of those things. I want to look back in three years and show my children how I fought to have to them.

This is more emotional then I ever thought it would be. All I can do is take one day at a time. What is meant to happen will happen but the unknown makes me an emotional wreck. I have promised myself that I will force myself to relax and stay calm for a full two weeks. I have promised myself that I will read a whole lot of books and do as little to nothing as possible. It's all I can do. I know the most important days are from the retrieval to the blood work two weeks later. I know that the results of the blood work will either kill me or make me the happiest person in the world. That's a pretty big gap of the either / or.

While I don't know what I will do if we get a negative on blood work - I do know that I will keep the positive quiet for at least 8-9 weeks. I want to use the blog to document our journey. I want to document the emotional roller coaster {like this post} and all the future appointments. I just pray that this works & I pray that if it doesn't that my heart can handle the disappointment. I'm not sure what lays ahead for us if this doesn't work because I'm not sure I can put myself through this anymore. Which is sad and scary for me and it makes me wanna cry. I have wanted nothing more then to be a Mom.. nothing.  The pain and the worry and the heartache is just too much. It's hard pretending to be strong all the time because well face it nobody wants to hear you cry. After all we are the generation of "suck it up" at least that's how I feel.

Today we our last day of doxy and we have 14 whole days before our retrieval and I'm an emotional wreck.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

What a great week.

This is been a very crazy and full week!

Monday I recovered from the weekend by getting as many chores done as possible. Which is very relaxing in many ways for me. Knowing that I start off my week with a clean and functional house is important to me.  I got an Amazon package on Monday which I'm excited to share with you guys. My dear friend M talked me into buying a couple of sets of false eyelashes. I couldn't wait to try and put them on Monday after they arrived. I took some funny pics but here are just two..

I think they are a little too long & I need to trim them down just a little. They feel weird and it's hard to get them to stay on all day long. I think with more practice they will be awesome for a night out or a special event but I couldn't see myself wearing them everyday. 

On Tuesday I went and got my hair done. I was very skeptical when I first arrived. I asked a whole bunch of questions and showed off pinterest pictures that I had marked. After a brief conversation we decided on a hair color and I went with it.

I personally love the color change. It has faded a lot, which is disappointing, but I love it. I've only washed it once to try to help keep the color. It looked like I was washing blood from my hair! I have heard that red fades really quickly but I'm glad I took the plunge and tried it out. I will be redoing this color again & again! 

The rest of the week I have worked on my 'sewing room'. I should say craft room because it's a combination on Scentsy bars and warmers, fabric, and other crafty odds and ends. I did manage to sneak away and pick up some fabric from our local JOAnne's before ordering a whole bunch more off of I know a lot of people who are expecting a baby in March & May of 2015 so I stocked up fabric for both genders. I have a total of five unfinished blankets & I'm praying my own working space will help me complete all of them. 

This wooden gem came with a big brother of a wooden gem for $15! Garage sales are amazing sauce! I was talking to the hubby about making me a couple of these cubby boxes to store fabric in & I just happen to see them in a sale. I was so excited! The bigger one needs some TLC and once I get the room all squared away and set up I'll post more pics.

I think I need a couple of floating shelves and a three drawer plastic storage tote. Then I will have the most awesome craft room in town! I'm also thinking about painting the room but that will come much later.

We ended up Friday night at Outback Steakhouse to celebrate the roomies birthday. It was a fun treat and it was nice to stuff our faces with good food. Who doesn't love Outback?! Then we ended up back the house so the roomie could open a couple presents a little early because I couldn't wait until Sunday!

To end the week my husbands command volunteered to work booths at the Mirmar Air Show. We had the 'twilight' shift on Saturday. We worked a Nacho stand that also served hotdogs. It's always a fun experience to work these shows and have a little fun. I got to talk to a lot of cool people and I loved the kids reaction to the planes flying overhead. My favorite part was meeting four guys from Germany who were at the show! They were so excited and in awe of how big the air show was. They were so taken back by all the planes that we had to show off and the show itself. It was so amazing meeting some young men in the German military.

All in all it was an amazing week! From false lashes, to a new hair color, to getting my craft room set up, then topping it with an air show and celebrating our roomies birthday! It was nice to take a break from all the stress and have great things fall together. Next week starts our whirlwind of adventures with Invitro! I'm excited and hoping to be able to use the craft room to get through some of these jitters!

I hope everyone had a great week & I can't wait to see what fun you all had over the weekend! Leave me your blog url in the comments & I'll go check it out!! Thanks for stopping by!

Monday, September 29, 2014

ready.. set...

If I am being honest then I'll start with this. I'm still in denial of the fact that we are about to go through invitro. It's surreal. I've said a thousand times that I never thought I'd take my fertility journey this far but here we are. The year wait is over and we are about to go through this whirl wind and that is also surreal. Every time I talk about it I feel as if someone else is sharing their story not me. I know nothing about this process. I have no idea what to expect or what to prepare myself for and that is scary for me. I've been so comfortable with Clomid, follistim injections and IUI's that it's just overwhelming to go into this blind.

We started our doxycycline yesterday. We take two pills a day - one in the am and one in the pm. So far he seems unphased and I'm having some serious bloating and nausea. My stomach feels like it is just doing cartwheels all day long. I posted questions in my fertility support group page today and found out this is normal. I also was told to start preparing to dust off yoga pants because the bloating isn't going to go away anytime soon. So to those who are about to start doxycycline for the first time for IVF here is some advice - even though the medicine says "do not take with food" for the love of god take it with food!!

Nothing really new starts for a couple more days. We take this med for ten days and then BAM we have a weeks worth of new stuff everyday. From an injection class, to sonograms, to blood work, to injections. It's a short time frame really. It just seems like a lot at the moment. I'm sure I'll look back on in this in Nov and wonder what I was so nervous about. I'm thankful that past this we wont have to do a retrieval again because we'll have frozen eggs. I'm praying that we never have to do this again and all our prayers and effort pays off. I look back and I'm amazed on that we have accomplished in a short year. This time last year I was re-cooperating after having surgery where I had the benign polyp removed - that I named Eddie. {Anybody else remember that? lol} It all seems so distant now.

Fertility stuff aside I'm getting a new hair do tomorrow and I'm still debating on what I'm going to actually do. My 'get away' I thought I was going to get isn't going to happen. One phone call took my seven consecutive days of free time down to four. I foresee a beach day or two in my immediate future.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Shopping spree.

I went shopping. I made myself get up this morning drive to the pharmacy on base and then I hit up Starbucks with a couple of Navy wives. Which is always a nice treat.

I spent a bill at Victoria Secrets on their 2/49.95 bras and ended up with three these amazing new pretties. 1 bombshell in the pink/ivory and two t-shirt bra's in the Carnival Blue and Lavender Blue Plaid.  I'm addicted to their bras. I also got the black tote.

Aeropostale has always been one of my favorite stores. I stopped shopping there a couple of years ago due to my weight gain. I'm proud to say that I was able to score two pairs of size 12 jeans for $14 a piece!! What a special treat that was! I also got a free tumbler for my purchase.. how sweet.

Since I could wear Aero's jeans I got excited and decided to try American Eagle too. I walked away with two pairs their too. With the buy one get one 50% special.. I was happy to splurge on pricey jeans. After all it's nice to be able to wear "teen" jeans again.

I couldn't leave the mall without stopping at Bath n Body Works. I walked away with a three wick candle in "pumpkin apple". Man it smells like heaven.
I know it's not about spending the benjamin's to make a person happy - but it was a huge deal to me. Getting new Victoria Secret anything makes me happy - but to score four pairs of size 12 jeans.. made my whole weekend!! The house smells like heaven and Starbucks is always a mood lifter!

*not a paid post*

What did you do this weekend?

Thursday, September 25, 2014

I need a break.

I need a break. I need a vacation. 
This isn't a want anymore. I need to get away from this house, from this state of never ending paradise weather. I need to just go somewhere quiet and tranquil. To calm my nerves and fears. To save my sanity and prepare myself for the biggest fertility adventure yet. I need to pull up the southwest airlines website and click the first 'get away' option I can find. STAT. 

October is a big month for us. 
It stars off with the hubby's birthday this coming weekend. Then the roomies just seven short days later. To a combined birthday party for the both of them mid October. A house full of Sailors, a KEG, beer pong, poker and a cake (if I get my way). With that said I feel that in itself is enough to warrant a vacation - but we aren't stopping there.

With all the things checked off and scheduled we are ready. We are ready to start this invitro experience. Well ready or not we are starting this invitro experience. The hubby & I both start our doxycycline this coming weekend through the 7th. Then I'll stop the required birth control pills and the baby aspirin. {Which I'm excited about aspirin above all b/c it gives me nose bleeds.} On the 9th I have a baseline ultrasound. The 10th we have an injection class - required - and pay our IVF bill. Then on the 13th I have blood work that determines how much and what kind of hormones and artificial flavorings they inject in me for the next 8 - 13 days. *artificial isn't a typo* Then we met up at the ER on the 22nd - I'll go through a day surgery to retrieve my eggs and my hubby will get to watch porn and fill a cup. {Seems fair - yea?} After which I'll have to go home and do absolutely nothing for the next 48-62 hours in fear of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. While I go home my eggs will be combined with the hubbys batter and hopefully make a little seedling. The seedlings will be monitored and measured - poked and prodded - graded and analyzed. Then in 3-5 days after my surgery I get to have another ultrasound - see pictures of my healthy little seedlings and pick the top two to go in my uterus. Hopefully they find my uterus polyp free, enough square footage and just the right amount of amenities to want to hang out for the next 36-40 weeks. 

We also have halloween = which isn't that big for us but I wanna dress the doggies up this year. I'm also thinking about dressing up in my swimsuit and swim cap with goggles to hand out candy. Ha! I think it's funny. Anyway. I also have therapy - thank god - and I also have my daily routine. Hopefully Grizzly gets in for a check up because he is starting to really cough again and I have a hair appointment coming up too. 

Again I need a vacation. I have a plan in the works but if this falls through I'm renting a hotel room in AZ and staying there for a week. Well I'm not serious about the AZ hotel thing - but I do have a get away plan. Hopefully I'll be able to share that with  you guys once all the kinks are ironed out. As excited and nervous as I am with this upcoming invitro - I am blessed. I'm blessed to have the opportunity to go through with this expensive procedure. I'm blessed to have some pretty great friends who keep checking on my sanity me. I'm blessed to have some amazing family members who are really trying to help me unwind. All things considered .. I'm doing OK. Majorly stressed but OK. 

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Scentsy party

I'm addicted to "Scentsy".

I love the company. I love the warmers. I love the wax. 
I recently went looking for a new "Scentsy" rep and met Erin. 
Erin is a Navy wife stationed here in CA & became a consultant to share her love of Scentsy.
After talking with Erin I decided to help her reach her October goal by setting up an 'online party'.

Why now?
Fall is approaching.
Christmas is around the corner.
If you are starting your holiday shopping, or just wanting to stock up on some home fragrances, - this is the place to start. I just ordered three bars of the "pumpkin roll" that I'm dying to put in my 'pumpkin' 2013 warmer. Scentsy has become a holiday staple for me. The warmers, lotions, car tins.. also make great birthday gifts too!

There is also this gem on the website called "Specials" then click on the "combine and save" tab. 
You can get a full size warmer and SIX bars (in six different fragrances) for $85!
Scentsy isn't all about warmers they also offer:
car tins or bags
Body washes and lotions
Laundry softner sheets 
Baby 'buddies'

So if you are interested in browsing all the goodies then please go here:
If you want to purchase something; please go the 'party' tab and look for my name {Amy Phillips}.
You can also follow Erin's Scentsy facebook page for all new holiday warmers and fragrances here:

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

just checking in

Right now I feel that we are juggling quiet a few things. I'm not good with the 'unknown'. I feel that I deal with so much uncertainty with the fertility portion that when it flows over to other parts of my life - it's overwhelming.

Thursday I pick up our second medicine to prepare us for IVF. The hubby & I will both take the meds for ten days and then stop. I think we are both ready for this chapter to start and it's also daunting. I can't say that I'm exactly excited yet but I'm taking it step to step. I'm doing really well with not looking up anything to do with IVF.. meaning no googling at all. I think knowing the IUI stuff so well was also a hindrance. I joined a facebook fertility support group a while ago and those ladies have been amazing. Any question I do have there is always someone with an answer, a personal story and a lot of positive words. Nothing really starts to happen past this new medicine until mid October and then it will all move really fast.

Also with all that I've written before with the hubby's orders - he has become 'needs of the Navy'. We will know in three weeks where we will call home. I did find out that Grizzly can't fly at all .. with all of this it's been hard. Making decisions that feels right has been a challenge to say the least. There have been a lot of conversations of 'what if's' and a lot of tears (on my behalf). It's hard to say to my husband that I refuse to leave my dog baby behind in his final years. It's hard to know that the one place I've wanted to go (Hawaii) is an option and that I'll pass it up for my dog baby. He can't fly and even if he could they'd have to hold him in quarantine for two weeks. If you personally know me then you already know that's not an option for me. My husband & I are strong enough to face whatever lands at our feet so in three weeks I'll let you know where we go from here. I'm also very blessed that he openly understands that and is supportive of my decision.

There are a couple of other small things that we are juggling but nothing I can really talk about. I know that will all these things it's hard not to feel alone or misunderstood. I have found that people have judged me for my decisions (esp with Grizzly) and that's not fair. With so much of the unknown weighing in I think I've allowed my negative thoughts run wild. It's hard to control the emotions - {which i'm blaming on the fact I haven't been allowed to have a period}. I try really hard not to judge other people, I'm not perfect and it happens - but I do try. So to see that all the efforts of trying to be understanding to other people and it not be reciprocated is pretty rough.

I think at this turning point of my life. The here and now with so many different avenues and directions that we 'could' go down or 'might' go down - I feel alone. I feel abandoned. I feel lost. I feel sad. I'm scared. I'm anxious. So it's been really rough to get out of bed and find that ray of 'purpose' I used to find. It's hard to wake up and not want to just crawl back in bed and ignore life around me. Some call that depression but I think of it as a rough patch. Change for me is really really hard and having the cloud of 'unknown' over our heads is making it harder.

I know that between the relationship with my husband, those I call friends, and my family - I'll come out of all of this stronger and wiser. I know there is a purpose behind this dark moment and I trust that. I've never met a challenge or situation that I haven't prevailed from - so that is a comfort. So many new and wonderful things upon the horizon to look forward too.

I hope everyone has a great day! I'll check back in later this week.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014


With all the changes that are approaching with orders and what is to come in 2015... we are starting with our prologue.

After many fights, arguments, discussions we have decided that having room mates is no longer a option for us. While we have enjoyed having the 6 different Sailors and two different families live with us.. it has come to an end. We decided about a month ago that we needed to end this portion of our lives. It's not because of some dramatic event - it's just time. We are facing a lot of different changes in our lives and it's time for us to just be us. I have been very proud to share my home with so many wonderful Sailors. I've learned so much and we have made some forever relationships with them. It's just time for us to be on our own.

We can't see the future but I know that if I have six months left with my husband before he goes overseas then I want him all to myself. There are also simple pleasures that I miss, or we missed out on, by always having someone here. Like.. we want to walk around in our underwear on the weekends .. or lay around (wink wink) all weekend on the couch. I also know it's the small stuff that really matters. I want to be able to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas, especially Christmas, with my husband before he is gone for two years. (possibly) 

IVF is a huge reason. I want to be as de-stressed and relaxed as possible (which I feel is an oxymoron). Having people in your home all the time is stressful. Knowing that we are at the end of that road.. I want to make sure that we are giving it 110%. Our retrieval date is set (you can read about that here) and knowing it will go into 2015 if this round isn't successful is very stressful.

Whatever life throws us I know we will be able to handle. We believe that it's now time to take the venture on our own. It's been a great ride and we've really enjoyed a majority of the experiences. I'm excited to start this new chapter.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

four days

This past Labor Day weekend the husband was off four whole days! I'm excited to report that aside from a trip to the commissary - we did absolutely nothing! Well that's not true.. we watched Criminal Minds all weekend. ALL WEEKEND. We started with season 1 and have worked our way into season 7. It's so easy to get lost in this show and time just slipped away. I must confess that it was nice to enjoy a quiet weekend with it being just us - well for the majority.

Our week day starts back tomorrow and I'm ready. Next weekend is going to be a busy weekend for us so I'm hoping to get some stuff done tomorrow.

We, the husband & I, made a pretty big decision concerning our household. You'll be able to read about it tomorrow.. so I hope you all check back in.

Hope everyone has a great day! I'm happy to be in the 'ber' months!!

Friday, August 29, 2014

follow the Navy road..

Back in May I talked about my husband picking orders. I posted about it here if ya wanna go back and read it. Now we are in the end of August and while I don't have concrete news to share yet I can tell you that this is a scary road.

So if you aren't familiar with military life and how our husbands (or wives) pick orders .. let me explain. They have a list called a 'billet' that shows all the openings, locations and ships name. They pick three places they would like to go. They submit their selections and then their detailer goes over the picks and chooses what they feel would be best for the Sailor. If those selections are denied then they give to pick three different ships/places again and submit it again for review. If those are denied then they pick three more and await while it's submitted. If that third set is declined then you become 'needs of the Navy' and the Navy will put you where they need you.

Now that I've explained that.. we are on our third set. Currently there are no open 'billets' for San Diego orders for my husbands rate.  He even picked orders for pay grades below him, just to try and stay here in San Diego. Trouble with that is if a E5 is up for orders at the same time.. the E5 gets the orders over a E6. So now we are waiting to here what happens from here.. well we know what happens. IF he gets declined again for this last set of orders he picked then he'll become needs of the Navy.

While I will openly say that I was wrong with assuming that my husband would pick orders for Japan and he didn't. I'll still say that if he ends up going due to 'needs of the Navy' - I'll still stay behind. I have no interest in leaving the States and going to Japan. None. For reason's I've said before it's because of our house and mostly because of our animals. While I know that him going to Japan without me will mean two years apart.. we can handle that. Our marriage is strong enough to handle the two year seperation .. plus he'll be gone most of the time and I'd rather be in the States alone then overseas.

The point of the of the post is to state that we are in order limbo. It's a scary place to be. The not knowing and knowing that everything is about to change along with it. 2015 is a HUGE year of change for us.. without the orders.. so we shall see where this road takes us. The only things that has really changed from the last post to this post is that..
1. He didn't choose to go to Japan.
2. If he gets stateside orders we might sell our house and move.

I really want the whole Navy experience of PCSing and moving somewhere new. We have already decided we aren't going to live in California forever .. we might as well venture out a little. I wish Corpus Christi was an option or we'd get to pick some of the Southern bases.. like Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi.. but that ship has sailed.

In the next couple of week's I'll be able to share more information with what we are going to be doing. It might be nice to start this new chapter of our lives somewhere different.. in the States.. but somewhere other then California.

Where are some of your favorite military stations you've been?
Has your husband ever been 'needs of the Navy?'

Thursday, August 28, 2014


Dear Bestie, 

Happy birthday. 
This is the greatest and biggest birthday of your life, this far. 
While I'm unable to be with you in person, this year, I hope you enjoy the gift I sent you. 
after fourteen year of being in each other's lives.
 Through all the ups and downs. 
You have been my rock, especially these past four years. 
I don't know how I would have gotten through so many of these moments without your council and skype convo's. 
They have meant the world to me. 
As your world blossoms and changes into a beautiful new chapter - I'm honored to be with you. 
I wish you all the happiness and joy in the world. 
SO I'll drink two glasses of wine tonight to celebrate... possibly three.
one for you.. since you are preggo.
one for us.. that we become stronger and closer as the years pass
and three just because I'm a wine-o. 


I love you. 
Happy Birthday bestie. 

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I just....

Two weeks ago I shared a personal situation in a post called Come On! I'm finding it harder and harder to suppress my anger and resentment. I look around my life and think why. I think of all the times I've cried and prayed asking God "why not me and her?". This is the hardest pregnancy I've dealt with.. in my life. It's the hardest and darkest time I've ever faced. It doesn't make sense but it's not for me to make sense with. I'm sure that God had a reasoning for choosing this person to be a Mommy before me. I'm sure he took great time deciding when the best time is to place this miracle in her womb to grow big and strong. My biggest struggle comes from understanding why not us. 
I can't recount the many times I've begged and pleaded for a baby in my womb. I can't express the times I have promised all those promises to the man upstairs if he'd just grant me two lines on the pee test I was holding. I can't began to explain how every fertility cycle starts with me praying that I'm doing what he asks of me. That I'm walking down the road he has chosen for me. That I'm taking all these steps to have a baby and he's ok with it. It makes my eyes sting saying these things. After every failed attempt I cry to him to give me peace and to silence my pained heart.
As the time draws near for us to hang up our hats on this road it gets harder and harder to be excited with other's expecting news. I'm finding it harder and harder to be humble and be excited for all the others. Is it vain to keep asking .. "God what about me?" or "God, what did I do wrong? I promise I'll repent and never do it again.. please God tell me what I did wrong". I look for comfort in his words and in my quiet time and I don't find the peace. I don't find the understanding that my head needs and the comfort for my heart.
Now this person gets to share her babys birth around my Dad's birthday. It's so much to bare. I wanted that date. I wanted to share that special day with my child. A child who will never met his grandfather and my parent. My child will never get to experience the moments with this man like I did because he is no longer here. I just wanted that connection between my Dad and my child.. but it wasn't for me. SO I cried and say "ok God I know you are working with a bigger plan and I can conceit the date". Then 'Sandra' calls to tell me she is using his name to name her child. My heart breaks, tears flow down my face and I can't think. I'm so filled with anger, hurt and jealousy. I can't believe she gets this so easy when I've worked so hard. 'Sandra's man is giving up his rights to his child so she will get to use the whole name.. not just parts of it.. and I'm angry. Anger and hurt burts out of me. It's a blinding anger. I try to pretend that I'm ok with it, but I can't hide it. I can't lie to God and say I'm ok with this when I'm not because he knows.
I can't be happy with this pregnancy right now. I'm excited and I'm not. It's hard to explain but hopefully someone else has been here and knows what I mean. I'm angry that it's not me and it's her. I'm angry that she gets the most important person, in my life, his birthday to share with her child. I'm angry that she is using a name that I've wanted to use since I started trying to have a child in 2005.
I'm openly sharing that I'm struggling with God's will and I'm struggling with how all this is coming to play out. I'm tired of hiding my feelings and moving forward. I'm tired of asking for this little miracle and watching everyone else get it.
It's like waiting around a Christmas tree while presents are being passed out only to find that you didn't get a gift. It's like waiting in line to be picked for a team and being the last picked. I'm trying to find comfort in my heart and I'm trying to find peace with this whole situation. I know God has a bigger plan and I just don't see it. I just need the patience and peace in my heart to handle this.


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Eating disorders.

For years we have heard about eating disorders. Maybe you've actually known someone with one. I, personally, do not. While I have written the past two days on how I feel women have become marketing schemes. If you have read the past two posts then you see that I'm hugely outrageous that women are marketing sexual object. I'm also outrageous that it has come down to body shaming, altering our appearances and eating disorders.
Today I want to shed some light on the different types of eating disorders. All the information used came from 
According to the website to be classified as Anorexia Nervosa comes from these four steps. 1. A person being 15% under their expected body weight. 2. Fear of gaining weight even though they are under weight. 3. A person must be disatisfied with the way their body currently looks. 4. Changes in mensteral cycles resulting in three missed cycles called Amenorrhea takes effect.
This website names off a couple of different types of eating disorders such as:
Bulimia Nervosa :
Bingeing <BED>  
Anorexia Athletica  
Over Exercise
Over Eating
Night Eating
It's hard to sit and read all these different categorizations and definitions from them all. One is one too many. While I read through them all I could identify with a couple of them personally. While I don't feel I have a eating disorder I do understand why the awareness from them are important. 
While we can sit and listen to one websites definitions I feel that statistics are important - if not more important. I set down and looked over It's a national association of anorexia and associated disorders. It says that 50% of all people with eating disorders have a form of depression. Only 1-10 men/women get help and receive treatment. 35% of these people get help at a specialized facility. 24 million people, of all ages and gender, suffer from a eating disorder. Eating disorders have the highest mortality of any mental illness. That is astonishing! 24 million people suffer. 50% have a form of depression and only 35% get help at a specialized facility. That is very un-nerving. The website goes into more detail and defines it all out by gender and age. It's even got a column called "Media, Perception, Dieting". is another site that talks about the different eating disorders and signs to look for. Its also says that since the 1950's eating disorders have been in a steady incline. Since 1930 women from 15-19 have battles anorexia. Bulimia tripled. Yes Tripled. In women ages 10-39 from 1988 - 1933. While it's common that eating disorders are linked to psychological disorders that few are able to get help due to medication or psychological interference. 

With all of this that we read. All of the multiple websites that provide the information to help us stay healthy and fit. We still find a way to body bash our self's. We find a way to bully or to make someone else feel less than. While I can't blame all the pressure that women and men place on their physical appearance to commercials, magazines, music video's and porn. I can say that we have a way to stop it. We have a way to put our foot down and say enough is enough. We have a way to help our daughters, nieces and future generations fall under these same brackets. Being healthy is one thing but feeling the pressure to become more for everyone else is just too much.

I'm tired of being a sexual object. I'm tired of feeling that I have to conform to a certain body type to feel good about myself. I'm tired of running into women who's bodies I claim are perfect and feeling bad about myself. I'm tired of body shaming myself and I'm tired of watching my nieces do it to themselves. I'm tired of seeing "Carl's Jr" commercials and shaking my head at the way women are portrayed. I'm tired of seeing side boobs and naked body scenes and comparing my body to theirs. I want to do more to stop this. I want to take a stand and put my voice out there. I want a better generation of body images in young teens and adults. 

I hope the past three days has enlightened your view on this topic in some way. While it's a passionate topic for me it may not be for some of you reading this. I urge you all to stop and think the next time you go to 'body shame' yourself or someone else. I also urge you to stop and think the next time you judge yourself or someone else in front of a younger generation. I plead you to stop and think before you google the next fad diet. Excercise and diet are healthy.. in moderation. We have to learn to love ourselves and our bodies again. 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Society has created.

Our society has created body bashing. We have allowed for commercials, magazine ads, evening tv shows and movies to change the perception of the human body. I wrote about this yesterday and got really carried away on my soap box.. but I'm not done. I'm so sick of having to feel the need to be skinnier, younger, and so scrutinized all the time. I think of my young nieces who grow up in this same environment and wonder "when is this going to stop!". We have just accepted the side boob shot, the nude shot or the incredibly ludicrous commercials. We have tuned in to watch music video's and now video games are starting to have the big busty women in the mix.

Colbie Caillat went on record recently with "Ellie" stating that she is tired of being airbrushed. You can read that article here. In this article she talks about how she talks to 'baby face' and the pressure to look a certain way. The song and music video "Try" elaborates more on the pressure she feels that women experience all the time. I couldn't agree more but you can watch the video and decide for yourself.

I ran across this web page. It's telling a story about a women who covered her mirrors and stopped focusing on her appearance for her nine year old daughter. Jennifer Dukes Lee even wrote a book about it called "Love Idol".  When her daughter asks why she gave up the indulgence of mirrors for lent she answered because I am tired. "I'm tired of this self-degradation that we do as women, that we're either not enough or too much - which all depends on whether we're looking in the mirror (not enough) or staring at the numbers on the bathroom scale (too much)."  

October 14, 2013 released an article called "What does it feel like to be airbrushed". Georginia Wilkin, 23, a former model who developed a eating disorder due to the pressure says "I felt awful - I felt that what you are as a human being isn't good enough". So while the reporter gets her picture taken and gets 'altered' before her eyes she shares her experience. It's also stated that in 2008 talk of banning airbrushing circulated due to the number of teenage eating disorders - but as you know that didn't happen.

There was even a body evolution video circulating on facebook for a while. It show cases a young women posing for a picture and shows you step by step how this women got airbrushed in front of your eyes. It's pretty eye opening. Even though we watched it and commented on it.. nothing past that happened.  Here is the clip:

I'm not sure exactly when this became the norm or acceptable. I don't know why we allowed ourselves to be degraded and feel less worthy. Yes models get paid way more then I do. They work out, they have personal trainers.. but they have struggles with the pressure too. Tyra Banks joined Special K's campaign to help stop body bashing. why?  Why would Tyra Banks do this? because.. "93% of women 'fat talk' about themselves and do it in front of their daughters. They say my body is so disgusting, it makes me feel sick.. etc And I'm thinking, your daughter is probably your size and she's hearing that?" Crazy right?  You can read the whole article here.

So now that I've gotten a little further into the whole body bashing and away from commercial sex selling. Tomorrow I'm going to start sharing statistics and talking about this different types of eating disorders. Why? Because this is real. This is happening. This is effecting our daughters, nieces and our future generations. This has got to stop. Women are worth more then a picture. We are worth more then to be dissected for men's pleasure. We owe ourselves to stop pressuring our bodies to be manipulated so that we can project the 'perfect body'.

Monday, August 18, 2014

marketing sex.

A couple of nights ago Jeff asked me a question that started a whole long conversation that I felt I should share. Jeff asked me when women became so threatened by one another that it clouded the illusion of friendship. Right as I went to answer that question a commercial for Carl's Jr came on and I said "That's what happened". So bare with me and my rant as I explain how I feel that selling sex has hurt women's friendships with one another.

I think the pressure that women have on themselves now to look perfect hurts our relationships with other women. We are taught to have our own look anymore - we are all clones. If you aren't super skinny you are fat. If you don't wear makeup you are homey. If you don't try to spend every dime on a wardrobe your washed out. We tell ourselves that our husbands demand us to look sexy in fear that they will leave us. We push ourselves to try fad diets, new workout routines, higher heels, and shorter everything.  Our society has built women to be a sexual object. Again I bring us back to the latest Carl Jr's commercials.

Anybody else feel degraded by these commercials? This what our daughters and nieces think they have to look like. We have girls in early Jr high looking like someone in high school. We can't tell the difference between girls that are in high school and college. The demand to look older, smoldering, tan, skinny.. it's overwhelming. What are we really teaching our girls? What are teaching ourselves?

We have become so judgmental over every women that walks by. We judge how someone looks in jeans, how fast she loses baby weight, how much weight she gains when she gets pregnant. We judge the women eating a hamburger instead of a salad. Even when we are in the gym to improve our image we are judging the heavy set girl on the treadmill doing the same exact thing we are doing. We are so threatened by what our friends are wearing and how they are accepted in social circles. We cutt each other down, we knock each other over and we don't even know what 'build each other up' means. Two girls make a goal to work out together to become healthy. One loses more weight then the other. Friendship is over. Two girls walk in a bar, both are single. One friends gets hit one. Friendship is over.

We run to a nail salon, the gym, the tanning beds, the hair salon. We modify all our natural beauty with makeup, fake eyelashes, extensions, fake nails. We wear jeans that are so skinny they cut off circulation. Our tops become shorter. Our skirts become shorter. Our shorts barely cover our butt cheeks. We have to have a flat stomach and tanned skin. We have to either be blond or brunette. We can't allow ourselves to have 'flaws'.

Marilyn Monroe was considered to be one of the most beautiful women in the 50's - 60's. Would she even be on the list with today's standards? Her beauty came from curves. While she wowed us all in her bikini's photo's I wonder what she would think of our standards now. While Kate Upton, Katherine Webb, Sarah Underwood and Paris Hilton are gorgeous women.. they shouldn't be setting the standard for young girls around the world. Should they?

I feel like I'm on the of the few women who have issues with today's standards. Do we think it's not going to get worse? What are the statistics from the 90's to today with teen eating disorders? Skinny isn't healthy.. it's skinny. So are you starving yourself to look like a model, a movie star, or a porn star?

Candice Swanepoel is gorgeous.. no lie. Her body is rockin' but she trains hard to look this way. We can't all look like Candice. We can be happy with how our own bodies look but instead we compare ourselves to what we think we should look like. A nip here, a tuck here.. wow now I'm beautiful and I look just like Candice. When did it become so wrong to look like ourselves?

Recently a country group "Maddie & Tae" got a lot of heat for making fun of the way women are used in country videos. And they are right. Instead of getting the pun and saying "hey we deserve better as a sex" we tear the girls apart in the video stating the point. "Oh did you see her mid drift shirt?" "What about those shorts!".. We are missing the point!! Watch the video below:

Isn't anybody else upset that women have fought to have rights since the 1800's and in 2014 a women is a piece of eye candy? We are just meant to capture every eye of every man & women. We are meant to look sexy sweating, eating, drinking, dancing, pregnant, giving birth.. I mean seriously!! We have allowed the use of sex to add to much pressure to us women. We are also allowing this to shape the way our younger girls view themselves too.

I don't know about you but I think we women have a right to stop the way we are portrayed! We aren't all Cougars, or MILF's. We aren't all beauty queens. We aren't all super models. We are women that are as equally beautiful as the next. When are we going to take a stand and stop being just a peace of ass?? When are we going to stop allowing our bodies to be used as a marketing tool?? When are we going to take a stand and change the dynamic of our female generations who think all they are on this earth for is to look sexy for a man??

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Swimming & Paleo

I have made a point to go and swim everyday at the Y. I'm up to 12 laps, if you are counting getting from one side to the other as a lap. If you are counting a lap as from one side to the other then back.. I'm up to 6 laps. I read that it's from one side to another.. so with that I happy I've gotten 12 laps in. Today I want to add four laps in with a kick board. To really work those leg muscles. It seems my arms and shoulders are getting a lot of the workout. I can also feel it in my core. After getting these laps down, I'll start integrating some basic floor routines before hitting the gym. It's been a LONG time since I have swam laps & I'm loving it!

My husband & I started our new diet. It's been an adjustment for sure. I haven't been as faithful as he has but I can already start to tell a difference in both of us. For the past week we have both been on the Paleo diet. It's so simple! Last night, because of dental work, I had a banana, strawberry's and pineapple.. it was so good and I was full! My husband had a lettuce tuna wrap and he said he was stuffed! He has lost almost 20 pounds this week and I have lost 5.

While I'm in a complete agreeance to rid my body of any whole grain items. I do believe I can stick to a meat, veggie and fruit diet for a while. I can't find any information where grains are bad for you, but according to the caveman diet .. agriculture didn't exist so neither did wheat. The bigger issue is removing the soda's and coffee from my diet that I've grown to love and depend on so much. Although I keep reading that coffee is good for you.. hopefully I can at least just take it with cream. Again I can stick to the meat, veggies, fruits and nuts. I think it will be more cost effective AND if we can shed a couple of pounds from it.. I'm happy.

Have you tried the Paleo diet? What did you think about it? What kind of results did you see?

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

We have a date!

Good Morning.
I know a lot of my blog has seemed dark and sad lately. I think everything is just starting to shift a little and this is the storm before the calm. Yes I twisted that around because I usually don't get a calm before a storm.. usually.

Today I'm here to share good news. Well good news for us. Our IVF retrieval date is currently Oct 22nd. I'm not sure when we start our meds but I was told that we could stop taking the birth control pills until Sept if we wanted. That leads me to believe that we aren't doing meds until Sept sometime. I've also come to understand through a facebook support group on how the rest will work.
So here is the game plan:
I'll do the retrieval.. meaning they will surgically go in and take my eggs.
Then they will take my husbands sperm and inject the eggs with his sperm.
They will give the eggs 3-5 days, while being monitored, to check the maturity.
Depending on quality and maturity we will either go back on day 3 or 5 and the Dr will insert the fertilized egg(s) back in my uterus.

Before that happens the eggs will be graded and we will know how many Great, Good, Ok and Poor eggs we created. We then have the choice on either using just ONE egg or using two. The rest will either be frozen or donated. More or less they will be frozen in the case we have to do this all over again. Right now without knowing quality, the husband & I are talking about go for two eggs. That gives a higher success rate and a higher chance on having multiples.. which we want.

After the eggs we have picked go into the uterus where they decide if they want to live there or not. Eight days later I'll go back for blood work to see what they decided ... it's daunting and exciting at the same time. The eighth day is when they will either implant or not. Then after that day we will do blood work either every other day or weekly to check the levels.

I'm also excited that the nurse asked us to stay on the birth control pills in the case that someone drops from the cycle. There are many things that cause people to drop from the cycle and we are praying we get bumped up in our date. If the date changes I'll let you know. Past that I'll more or less keep the outcome a surprise until  we are able to either announce a pregnancy or that we are going to try again. I've never really come across a blog that openly shares an IVF cycle so that's my goal. I hope you all continue to follow me through this amazing journey of creating our thunder bean.