Friday, January 31, 2014

Rough week.

Dear Lovelies,

Sorry I haven't been writing very often. It's been very hard to find  cohesive schedule at the moment. Everything is changing so quickly and with all the drama that has surfaces ~ I haven't really wanted too. I am trying to keep my posts very platonic and not complain very much. I also don't want to vent on my blog just to keep some of the drama down. I think that has given me great pause to sit and type out a post.

Fertility Treatments:
As of today we have a week to wait before taking a pregnancy test. Actually the medicine is out of my system tomorrow and I can start taking tests on Saturday. The RE asked me to wait until Feb 5th ~ so that is what I am going to try and do ~ key word in that was 'try'. So far I have lower back pain, mild cramping, I'm very tired and my boobs feel like sand has been poured in them after someone beat them. I would say that these are all very good signs. I'm not picking out baby furniture yet but I'm trying to stay very hopeful. This last round was with all new and different meds; so it all could very well just be the meds.

What's a day in my life without unwanted or needed drama?? I'll tell ya when I experience one. It started with two friends fighting on facebook that lead to everyone's opinions on how I should be handling the situation from my end. Honestly. I feel that everyone involved has a part to play in this whole charade; including myself. We learned as kids that playing 'telephone' didn't workout so well; so I'm not sure why we continue to play the game as adults ~ and include social media. There are people who aren't so forgiving and some that aren't willing to see their own faults. Right when that got buried - a new dramatic event happened.
My sister is going through some rough stuff at home with one of her kiddo's. For some reason I've become her target of aggression. Calling to check up on her son through my Mom was wrong, no calling was wrong, inquires to my niece were wrong, and then the nasty facebook messenger comments started. I thought I had it handled until she attacked me through a post on facebook about a Victoria Secret bra. Seriously.
At the end of all of this I shake my head and create a deep sigh. I'm just not sure I'm handling my shit right. I keep hearing I don't need all this stress but it lands at my feet. I keep hearing that I don't take up for myself but when I do speak nobody listens. If I do fly off the handle I'm being 'irrational' or 'dramatic'. When I keep my mouth shut and just let it roll off my back ~ I'm being to passive and letting people take advantage of me. Then I hear that people attack me because 'I'm too nice'. WTF?
I asked my therapist today what he thought and he said "Amy if I was juggling as many things as you are I would be in a corner banging my head against a wall. Honestly I don't know how you do it and stay so sweet and sane". Truth is:  I don't either. There are days when I want to close all my social media accounts {including this blog} and stay far away from people. I mean never try to make a connection with another human being.. EVER. Then I think of all the people that have made my life so incredible and I want to be that for someone too. I am at that point in my world where this could go either way.
I'm tired of being disrespected. I'm tired of hearing I don't stand up for myself. I'm tired of hearing that I over react or that something I feel is 'stupid' or 'crazy'. All day Wed I kept hearing how amazing I was not attack my sister back. I'm sorry when did two wrongs create a right? My sister needs all the love and support she can get right now.. that doesn't mean that I excuse her. It also doesn't mean that I'm going to give in and aide to the fire.
I honestly am at a loss. I'm at a crossroad. I feel that everything up until this point blinded me from the reality that I surrounded myself with. Family, friends who are like family, friends...
The running joke in my household this past week has been "Amy don't you know you can't do anything right?" because all I seem to do causes drama. I really need a mental day soon. Thankfully I have a hair appointment coming up soon so I can unwind and relax a little...

I hope everyone's week is going better then mine. I hope that I don't keep losing readers. I promise that things will pick up soon & I'll have more things to talk about... until then please keep me in your prayers or help me with some words of wisdom. I'm really sinking in this quick sand.