Friday, February 7, 2014

reality

Good Morning Lovelies,

Yesterday was very roller coaster emotional for me. You see I was prepared to take the pregnancy test and get a negative. I was prepared to make the phone call to the Dr to tell him it was a negative. That's what I've been doing for a while now.. nothing out of the ordinary. Same conversation. Same empathetic "sorry" "awww Amy" and "well, maybe it will happen next time!". Same void left in the pit of my stomach.

The Dr said that we will scheduled for our next round in May. At that point they will have to check where we are on the Invitro list. I almost dropped the phone. The tears stung my eyes and I tried really hard to ask questions and keep my composure. I know that we signed up last year and I know the waiting list is in between 14-16 months. I also know that we are really close to hitting that point.  It terrified me. I have never thought of seriously considering Invitro. I mean I have nothing against it and my hat goes off to the women who have done it. I was just hoping to achieve a pregnancy through the artificial insemination.

Now I'm sitting here going through every bit of information I have ever read to see what I can do to keep from having to do invitro. I have talked to the hubby about 'acupuncture' for both this next round AND for the invitro. I'm going to go back to basal temps for the next couple of months. I'm debating on the whole gym thing ~ just because they make me stop through treatments in fear of over stimulation.

Long story short is that my body responds to the meds. Eggs form. After they put the sperm into my body ~ it's not working. We have no idea what the problem is. Why it's not taking. I had 5 mature eggs and two that weren't fully mature.. total of 7! And my husband had over 7 million sperm. That was ONE MILLION sperm per EGG and they couldn't get the job done. Oy Vey.

The hubby and I talked and agreed that we will do ONE invitro round.. ONE. If that doesn't work then we are done trying. I think it's hard to grasp and I think it's even harder to keep wondering 'why'. I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm lost. I know anything can happen between now and May.. and from May to Oct... but it's the fact that we have put a 'expiration' date on this whole thing.

I don't know where this road will leave us, but I will go out knowing that I tried every possible angle and gave everything I had into creating a child of my own.  I know that I will leave this era of my life a fertility veteran and I have learned so much through this journey. I've also met some amazing women who have inspired me and who have given me hope. I would like to think I can do that too for some people.

For now.. we put our baby making meds and scheduled intercourse on the back burner and just live life.

3 comments:

  1. It's a scary road but hopefully there will be success in here. It's amazing that people even get pregnant with how slim the chances are of it actually happening yet there are people who just do it fast and the rest of us struggle for years for it to happen. :( I wish you nothing but the best :)

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  2. I agree with Ashley sugar. I was told I'd never conceive without medical help and look where I am now. I'm still freaked about the entire situation, but it was mainly when I just 'gave up.' I'm hoping good news will come your way before May.

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  3. I am sorry it didn't take. xoxo

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