Monday, March 31, 2014

talking about pregnancy.

Let me start this by saying I'm not pregnant.
I think that dealing with people who are having trouble having a baby is hard. I find that I tiptoe around certain words or phrases among fellow fertility friends - we all handle things differently. I find it very offensive to not be told or excluded from someone's pregnancy. I, however, can respect ones apprehension on being afraid of how a friend who can't conceive would react. I'm not the type of person who dramatically falls to floor screaming and crying when I hear a girlfriend tell me she is expecting.

I have had some horrible experiences with women during and after their pregnancies. While I am thankful that people are so cautious of my feelings - I'm not a walking time bomb. There are some that aren't so thoughtful. For example:

When I first started my infertility journey two good friends of mine found out that there were expecting. One friends solution to dealing with the 'unknown' territory of how I would respond was deleting me off social media. The other friend of mine told me through a PM & made sure I wasn't upset. They both delivered within weeks of each other and the outcomes were very different. I embraced the friend who told me and even made sure to purchase a baby shower gift. The other friend, however, lost my friendship. I found that it was rude to not trust our friendship with such wonderful news and it hurt me to know that she couldn't share this amazing part of her life with me.

A friends sister had a baby and we visited. Every time I held the baby the parents acted like I was going to bolt out the door with the newborn. It made me furious. I do want a child but I assure you I don't want yours. I may openly share my fertility experience with people but that doesn't mean that I'm an emotional train wreck when I see a baby. I may like to hold, and smell, a newborn baby but I promise that I have every intention of creating my own.

I'm thankful I have friends who openly share & include me in their pregnancy. I love seeing ultrasound and baby bump pictures. I'm also very humbled when I get to hold a baby. Getting to hld a new baby is such a special moment. I'm ecstatic when people ask me to feed, hold or soothe their babies. I'm also overjoyed to share in birthdays, baptisms - etc.

If you have a friend who is dealing with infertility - the important part is to talk to your friend. Be honest and open. Don't rub in her face but be happy about your pregnancy. The worst thing for me is to see a miserable pregnant women. Don't hide your pregnancy, don't forget to invite them to the shower or not include them on baby pictures. That hurts way worse.

Friday, March 28, 2014

and then I watched

Since I have been attempting to sit around and prop my knee up - like I should I have come to love a few shows. Oh and catch up on some movies.

1. I went to see Divergent. Now to those who have asked me what I think I'll say this. I'm a huge book to movie critique. To the point that my husband was not going to watch it with me. Poor Mrs A went and was furious at my hubby for not for warning her. I felt like the lady in the Geico commercial "that's not how this works - that's not how any of this works". I think it's a great movie but it's not completely true to the book - but what movie is that is based off a book? My advice is to see the movie then read the book.

2. I have fallen in love with the USA networks new TV show "Chrisley knows best". Below is a short clip from Season 1 - Eps 3 "Savannah's Runway Show".

It's a Georgia twist to the Kardashian's but better. The show basically is about a over protective Dad and his five kids. While he has made his fortune in real estate; he is starting his own family fashion line. They spend a whopping $30,000 on clothes, alone, a year. I love the show because he is over protective and because they have true 'Southern' morals. He buys his kids cars at 16 but all of them have tracking devices and he keeps records of all text messages per phone. He has to inspect all his kids clothing, especially his 16 year old, before they can leave the house. He is frank, brutally honest, and has a lot of rules. He says the most hysterical things when it comes to describing teenagers. Ya gotta watch at least one episode.

 3. Frozen. I mean isn't Kristen Bell just adorable?? I had to watch it two or three times to really grasp the whole movie. Olaf wasn't as funny as I heard but he is cute. I think my favorite character has to be the reindeer. Anyway - the music is addictive, the story line is cute and the fact that she uses her 'act of true love' towards her sister.. amazing! If you haven't seen this movie - you should.
Here is my favorite song & part of the movie - "Let it Go" sang by Idina Menzel'

4. {last one} Saving Mr Banks.
This movie made me cry. I mean it was incredible. The back story to creating "Mary Poppins". It's very slow at first. It's about the writer of "Mary Poppins" {P. L. Travers} struggling to give Mr. Disney {Tom Hanks} the rights to make the movie. It's very moving and her flash backs of her childhood & father {Colin Farrell}. The emotion of her letting it go and allowing her story to be shared - beautiful. I think my favorite part was her letting her guard down and opening up to her driver in LA. Beautiful.

Those are my picks right now. I'm sure there are more of them to come.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Mrs. Cranky pants.

I'm sure that the majority of you know by now that I tore my meniscus. Although I'm still not sure how, I know it's been going on for a while. The last thing I need right now is to be incapacitated due to a injury of any kind. So you can only imagine my frustration to be couch / bed ridden until told otherwise.
if you know me at all then you know that is close to impossible orders for me. I'm sure you can also gather that I'm told at least ten times an hour day to either lay back down, sit down.. etc. It's just too hard.
"Don't you want your knee to get better?"
Yes, yes I do. That doesn't mean that I can put aside that the floors need to be mopped, the cat box needs to be cleaned out, the dishwasher needs to be emptied. Not to mention laundry needs to be done, bathrooms need to cleaned and the bedroom needs to be vacuumed.
"Don't your have roommates to help you?"
Yes, but in all fairness they have other things to do then cater to me. I mean right now Mrs. A has two sick kids that are home and she is also battling a cold. She offers to help me and does but I feel powerless and helpless a midst all the chaos around me.
And before you ask my husband also helps me when he is home. He is working & taking college classes on base - so he also has a full plate.

I'm cranky. I want to do what I am usually doing. I want to move around and get the stuff done that I normally do. I find it so hard to just to sit around and watch the day float by. I need to find a way to invest my time in something other then flipping through channels on the TV. I am admitting that I am very cranky, in lots of pain and very annoyed that I can't do what I need to get done.

All things shall pass. I'm sure I'll look back on this post someday, hopefully soon, and long for those days I get to just lounge around.  

*Anyone else have a injury that kept you in bed? What were somethings you invested in to keep you busy? What are some suggestions on keeping up with the chores that aren't getting done??

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

human porcupine

So in my fertility quest I have turned to a world wide Chinese method - Acupuncture. A friend referred me to this amazing Acupuncturist here in San Diego. Looking through the website I became completely overwhelmed at all the different options and packages. I have never done or thought about venturing into acupuncture before & this was all very .. well.. overwhelming. My friend told me how personable the owner was so I sent her an email for more information. We exchanged e-mails with questions and answers from the both of us for a couple of weeks. Then I got a 'free' phone consultation.

Ok.. ok.. So let me backup a little.

Our RE {Fertility Dr} recently told my husband & I that this was our last year in the fertility trials.
Posted here: Reality. After our four IUI's {artificial insemination's}had been used we would have to decide on moving towards IVF. While that word still makes my mind shatter, I had to become realistic and swirl the idea around in my head. IVF. wow. Those three letter together are BIG. My RE also mentioned that IVF was more successful when coupled with acupuncture treatments. {But TriCare see's acupuncture as 'experimental' and it's not covered}. If I'm going to agree to IVF then I want an 'all or nothing' treatment. So I started researching IVF & Acupuncture both separate and together. I contacted friends who have experienced both and listened to their stories.

While emailing back n forth with the acupuncturist she posed a question.. Why wait until IVF to try out the acupuncture? Isn't the overall goal to achieve a pregnancy PRIOR to IVF?  Why didn't I think of this? I mean coupling the acupuncture with an IUI could be game changing.. so why not? During my phone consultation we set up a POA {Plan of Action} and got started. I have now completed TWO sessions with this acupuncturist. The first visit was an overall health scan and the second narrowed down to the fertility portion. After leaving both times I ask myself "Why have I never done this before?!" The experience is amazing!! The relaxation after the sessions are like nothing I've ever experienced. I mean this tops massages, pedicures, beach days.. it's all rolled in one.

While I'm not stating or claiming that this will be the answer to our fertility whoa's - it is a high bonus. I am a anxious person by nature and being able to go and leave feeling calm, peaceful, and energized is amazing. Coupled with my therapy sessions this has been a HUGE success. I feel more relaxed for days after an acupuncture session  and that's all that matters.

I'm glad I made the choice to not wait for IVF or to wait for my next round of treatments to start. While the out of pocket expense wasn't as bad as we thought, it's still a good chunk of change. Overall I'm glad I made the choice to try it and hopefully this will give us great progress in the fertility direction.

Have any of you tried acupuncture? Anyone have success with pain, pregnancy or stress relief with acupuncture??

Monday, March 24, 2014

recipe adventures

As some of you know we are currently merging two households together. It's stressful but awesome at the same time. I get to live with my best friends and be apart of their lives on a daily basis. Dealing with two kids, schedules, abundance of household chores and always having someone around is stressful.  One of the most stressful things in our home is meal time. Between the different likes and dislikes of the adults, I'm also finding its even harder to please a six year old. A & I alternate cooking days but it doesn't stop my feelings from getting hurt every time I hear "I don't like this". Three months and we are still in a transition to make it all more cohesive.
I'm always looking for a variety to feed our household. I'm not one for set meals on set days. I enjoy creating menus and trying out different things. I also enjoy cooking, baking more then cooking, but I enjoy creating food. They say a ticket to a man's heart is through his stomach, but I feel that the ticket to anyone's heart is food. I'm a sucker for Southern foods - maybe it's because I am a born Texan or that I lived in Oklahoma for seven years.. I dunno. While I'm not as big on the whole 'bbq' scene (gasp!) I find the comfort in things like; homemade mashed potatoes, fresh green beans, salads, soups, breads and deserts.
I like to create things from scratch and I'm determined to not rely on the convenience of  boxed or fast foods. I am known to make some huge flops but I've also come away with some huge winners.
I, recently, have fallen in LOVE with Ree Drummond's cooking; better known as "The Pioneer Women"! The household favorite has easily become her "Potato Soup"! I also used her Turkey brine for this past Thanksgiving and it was a HUGE success.
Here is the amazingly simple and delicious recipe that I am sure will also become a household favorite for you too.

What are some favorites for your household? Where do you go to find new food ideas? What are some kid favorite meals in your house?

Friday, March 21, 2014

Divergent excitment

If you don't follow me through facebook or instagram then you might be in the dark with the fact that I feel in love with the book series Divergent.

Needless to say I've already bought my tickets for today's showing! I can't wait to see the first movie and see the book come to life. As always I am aware that a movie can't mimic a book and things will be different. Hopefully I will enjoy the movie as much as the book!

Anyone else read the series? Have suggestions on a new series? Who's going to see the movie???

Thursday, March 20, 2014


I've lost my direction for this blog. Going to the gym everyday isn't a priority at the moment, my fertility journey doesn't start for at least another two months, and my husband is still on shore duty.

Today, though, I'd like to share some random pictures with you.

I'm so glad that my hubby knows that I love Dierks Bentley. I'm also glad that he bought me this shirt to wear. It's my favorite! 

I'd also like to say that Dierks new album "Riser" is so good! My favorite song on the album is "Riser". Do you own the album? What's your favorite song?

I finally found a Salon that could fix my hair. This is the final outcome. LOVE! They had to wash my hair with a color removal four times, at three different appointments, before adding a brown and blond highlights. Again, LOVE. I'm positive I wont be changing it any time soon! 

This is how I've spent the past three days. I tripped over my dog, at 2 am, and have a meniscus tear. Yaay! Thankfully I wont need to have surgery. Physical therapy starts in a couple of weeks and I'll be spending my summer with my leg propped up.

As glamorous as all of this sounds.. it sucks... it sucks hard core. I'm going nuts only being able to walk to the couch or bed. Crutches hurt and are a pain in the tucus in the house - never mind they scare the poor dogs to death. *deep sigh*

Being forced to sit in one spot the whole summer sucks. Hopefully I can talk the hubby into a new tanning chair for this summer and at least get a tan. The worst part of all of this ~ is coming to terms that I wont be a beach bum anytime soon... tear. 

Friday, March 14, 2014

deployment talk

If you haven't been able to read between the lines.. I have a lot going on right now. Emotionally. On top of all the emotional stuff we are busy joining two families under one roof. It's been a crazy couple of months and a ton of adjustments. Just as we start to really pull the reigns in and get both our households situated.. we get thrown a curve ball.
We have two military men in our home, soon we will have three, so our lives change on a regular - which is normal. We have one roomie who will be returning from a deployment and one about to leave. It's crazy. The command that J is at just told them that they will be transferring the ships home location from San Diego to Japan. Yes, Japan.  While they figure out all the information concerning family matters we are just in shock. I mean.. we knew it was coming but this is way faster then anyone expected.
While talking about J's ship schedules my hubby also informs us that he will be picking orders in three short months! I can't believe that his shore duty is almost over. I am wrapping my head around the fact that next year my husband will be going back out to sea also. It's strange to 'know' it's coming and then get so shocked when the time has arrived.
Hopefully we can get completely situated before both our husbands are gone on deployments. I'm praying that we can just focus on the 'need' to do's while they are hear to help manage the flow. It's stressful enough with the collaboration already but I guess, again, we all knew it was coming.
Even though we don't have kids and J does.. it bring a whole new awareness to the table. I have never thought about how families explain to children that their father is going to deploy. I've never thought about a child's reaction to it either. I've also never witnessed a wife slowly allow the information to sink in that her husband could be gone for two years. My survival technique is to have two main focuses while he is away. I've never considered how a spouse and kids deal with the news.
I have to keep saying that no matter how prepared and how aware you are that it's coming - you are never as prepared as you thought.

How do you deal with deployments and kids? What are some of your survival techniques with a deployment.. kids or just a spouse? Anyone else about to face a deployment too?

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

i miss them

Seems like it was a lifetime ago but it's only been four years and some change.

A lot of change.

Over twelve years ago two men walked in my life. Both would be with me for years to come but both would carry different emotions and memories. This is about the good one. Some nights I would wake to tears covering my face and pillow. Realizing that I miss this family so much and wishing I could reach out but I can't. I knew that as I drove away. I struggled, fought and in the end lost - so it seemed. "Nothings lasts forever and everyone leaves" that was my motto and surprisingly it's not tattooed to my body.

He wore a marine corps tattoo. He held himself with such confidence and touch of arrogance. He would become the husband of my best friend, the father of my favorite two little girls and silently my biggest protector. When my world crashed around me, when I couldn't find the strength to fight anymore - just when I would start to walk away.. he would bring me back. When I needed help I called him. No matter the occasion. Flat tire, car wreck, leaky roof or my Dad dying.. I would call him. He would later be the one to give me the confidence to leave - even if he never knew it.

She was my first friend in this life and I loved her. She had everything i ever wanted. A home, a husband who didn't hurt her and three beautiful kids. I know she always thought I loved her husband, and I guess in ways I did, but not like she thought.  She was everything I wanted to be and she had everything I wanted ~ I loved her like a sister. Her selflessness would give me the strength to finally walk away and not second guess it. I will forever be thankful for that moment but I wish that I had the chance to have said goodbye. I wish I had told her all the ways she was important to me, all the ways I looked up to her and the was she had unknowingly given me direction.

I was convinced happy endings weren't for me, I was never meant to settle down, have a family and be happy. I treated those girls like they were mine. I never missed an event, a birth, a birthday, a Christmas.. they were my world. They were all I thought I'd ever have, close to my own kids, to love unconditionally. It's been four years since I saw their faces, gave them a hug and told them how much I loved them. I will never hold those little girls again and tell them how much I love them & how much they helped me. They'll never know that because of them I'm here today. They'll never know I silently wished they were mine and how much my heart aches for them now. I'll never get to watch them grow up; I'll miss all the events I swore I'd attend.  I'll never get to explain that because of them I stayed and because of them I left.   What kind of example would I have been if I had stayed.

This song played and all those memories of that life wash over me; flooding my eyes with tears. I never said goodbye. That will forever haunt me.

I also see how this family helped me become who I am today. I see how they helped me get where I am. Help me see that I deserved love and all those things I envied. I have that now because they helped me fly.. they helped me leave that nest in Oklahoma and fly to Cali. Even if they never knew it. I miss him. I miss those girls. I miss my friend so much. I will always hold a place in my heart for all of them. I may not ever be able to express to them how they saved my life but I'm so glad I have these memories to help me put the pieces of the bigger puzzle together. Without them I wouldn't be here.

Monday, March 10, 2014

this week's plans

I'm sharing the plans for this week because it opens up future blog posts.
Lately I have been dealing with a ton of different things & my emotions are all over the place. I know I'm battling myself more then anything else. It's not because of anyone ~ it is just a change that I'm dealing with. Among all the crazy stuff there have been good things to share.

Even though i planed on going to the gym last week; it didn't happen. I posted about getting back in the gym with my post 'and squat' and just want to say that I didn't end up going. We decided to join the YMCA ~ so this week, sometime, we will become members. It's a lot closer to home and the room mates kids schools ~ it will also allow us to take their kiddo's to the pool, and other stuff, when we want.

 I also found a new salon to take care of my hair disaster. This coming Friday I'll take a chance with another salon. I already had a consultation so that I could have an idea of what she is doing and what can be done. Right now since I have a variety of different colors we can't just put ONE single color. The stylist, Angela, said that blonde colored hair absorbs other colors so it's a mix of different colors. I can take a chance with chunky 'caramel' highlights or dye it blonde and then slowly add in the darker color. I haven't decided which way to go at this point but I have a couple of days left to decide.

I have put a lot into the house this week. We bought chairs for the front of the house ~ red & blue ~ which I love. I bought more seashell stuff for the living room at Micheal's last week ~ hopefully I will have pictures to share later this week. We don't really have a 'winter' season here in Cali so it's already time to break out the lawn mowers and get some yard work done.  Those pesky flea's have already said hello to our animals but thankfully 'advantage' works so they didn't stay around long.

We bought a new beer pong table this past weekend and tested it out. We bought at 'official' 8 ft table that had an extra flare with LED lights. {Pictures posted on instagram}. I love with the guys have a 'guys night in' and I really enjoy hosting it. I love the fact that I usually end up playing for one reason or another too. We made some burgers and played until 4am. After each 'guys night' I always swear that I'm never going to drink again. I'm sure by the next game night ~ I'll have changed my mind.

Hope everyone had a great weekend. I'm excited for this week.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

the ultimate concert

This past weekend a friend of ours asked us if we had bought our tickets for the annual 'Stagecoach' event. Although Dierks Bentley will not be attending this year, we still wanted to go! I think our motto for this year is to enjoy as much as we can before he goes back to sea next year. We partnered up with our friend and split a hotel room ~ after buying our tickets!

The deal with the event is that it starts at 11am and goes until 1am. Once you enter the gates you aren't allowed to leave or you are done for the day. The smaller bands open up and then the headliners rock the stage at night. It gets HOT and crowded. You can walk around the whole park shop, grab some beers and food! Although you cant' bring coolers into the facility ~ I'm excited to throw down a blanket and enjoy our weekend! I'm also really happy that we found a hotel that has a pool, that way we can take a late night swim and cool down before we go to bed.

Here is our amazing lineup for the weekend in April! I can't wait to share pics and stuff about this weekend afterwards!

Monday, March 3, 2014

and squat

My normal routine is that I head to the gym 5 day a week.
Since my last fertility treatment in Jan ~ I haven't been able to go. Actually I just wasn't able to go during the actual treatment and that ended over a month ago. I have been hesitant on going back to the gym this round just because by the time I start to see real results I have to stop. I thought that I would take these next three months off and just hold out for April.

Once a gym rat.. always a gym rat I guess because I am starting back today. I know that at the end of every treatment I gain at least ten pounds, and if I don't at least drop 20 before then I'll be miserable.
As hesitant as I have been to start back ~ it helps me relieve stress and relax. I haven't been getting away from the house a lot since our roomie's got here. I need my time.

Starting my day back with some cardio and jumping into leg day! What did you do at the gym today??