Tuesday, March 11, 2014

i miss them

Seems like it was a lifetime ago but it's only been four years and some change.

A lot of change.

Over twelve years ago two men walked in my life. Both would be with me for years to come but both would carry different emotions and memories. This is about the good one. Some nights I would wake to tears covering my face and pillow. Realizing that I miss this family so much and wishing I could reach out but I can't. I knew that as I drove away. I struggled, fought and in the end lost - so it seemed. "Nothings lasts forever and everyone leaves" that was my motto and surprisingly it's not tattooed to my body.

He wore a marine corps tattoo. He held himself with such confidence and touch of arrogance. He would become the husband of my best friend, the father of my favorite two little girls and silently my biggest protector. When my world crashed around me, when I couldn't find the strength to fight anymore - just when I would start to walk away.. he would bring me back. When I needed help I called him. No matter the occasion. Flat tire, car wreck, leaky roof or my Dad dying.. I would call him. He would later be the one to give me the confidence to leave - even if he never knew it.

She was my first friend in this life and I loved her. She had everything i ever wanted. A home, a husband who didn't hurt her and three beautiful kids. I know she always thought I loved her husband, and I guess in ways I did, but not like she thought.  She was everything I wanted to be and she had everything I wanted ~ I loved her like a sister. Her selflessness would give me the strength to finally walk away and not second guess it. I will forever be thankful for that moment but I wish that I had the chance to have said goodbye. I wish I had told her all the ways she was important to me, all the ways I looked up to her and the was she had unknowingly given me direction.

I was convinced happy endings weren't for me, I was never meant to settle down, have a family and be happy. I treated those girls like they were mine. I never missed an event, a birth, a birthday, a Christmas.. they were my world. They were all I thought I'd ever have, close to my own kids, to love unconditionally. It's been four years since I saw their faces, gave them a hug and told them how much I loved them. I will never hold those little girls again and tell them how much I love them & how much they helped me. They'll never know that because of them I'm here today. They'll never know I silently wished they were mine and how much my heart aches for them now. I'll never get to watch them grow up; I'll miss all the events I swore I'd attend.  I'll never get to explain that because of them I stayed and because of them I left.   What kind of example would I have been if I had stayed.

This song played and all those memories of that life wash over me; flooding my eyes with tears. I never said goodbye. That will forever haunt me.

I also see how this family helped me become who I am today. I see how they helped me get where I am. Help me see that I deserved love and all those things I envied. I have that now because they helped me fly.. they helped me leave that nest in Oklahoma and fly to Cali. Even if they never knew it. I miss him. I miss those girls. I miss my friend so much. I will always hold a place in my heart for all of them. I may not ever be able to express to them how they saved my life but I'm so glad I have these memories to help me put the pieces of the bigger puzzle together. Without them I wouldn't be here.

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