Monday, April 14, 2014

this is hard

I swear my life is so chaotic right now as if I was drowning in the emotions. Every time I force myself to see a positive I get knocked back down. The inability to do the things I was doing is extremely hard. I'm not a control freak, per say, but I do have an order to my surroundings. Not being able to mop, dust, clean out the litter box, or do yard work - yea those are tough for me. Not being able to do my own grocery shopping is driving me bonkers. Watching my house be taken over by everyone else who can move around with ease.. knife stab. I swear if I hear "go prop your feet up", "you should be taking it easy", "you need to go lay back down".. one more time I'm going to hurt someone. It's so hard for me to expect other people to take care of my stuff. When I do allow myself to release control by setting a list of expectations it doesn't get done & I'm back to feeling helpless again.
We have a homecoming approaching and the stuff isn't getting done. I have friends who would be more then willing to come and help but I can't ask someone else to do this stuff. My husband has taken on so much and I really appreciate it. At the same time it makes me feel useless... he's doing his job & mine. I mean.. this is hard.  I mean there is no way I'm calling a girl friend and saying "Can you come help me by mopping my floors and possibly vacuuming.. please while I lay here and watch you??" At that same point if you were to ask me that exact question I would do it in a heartbeat. I just can't ask someone, or allow, someone to come over to help me get this stuff done. I'm really wanting to take the stress off the hubby, since he is juggling work, school and the house.. {sigh}.
This week I have an appointment everyday.. most days I have two appointments a day. So the times I'm not gone I need to be laying in bed with my leg propped up. It's driving me batty when I know there are so many other things I need to be doing. "Taking care of yourself is important". Yes, yes it is.. but seriously.. I'm going crazy.
I just need to vent. I just need to express how useless I feel and how hard this is to me. I'm beyond frustrated. I'm beyond aggravated. I'm way beyond being tolerant and patient. I'm really over hearing "it will be ok" or "don't worry I'll take care of it". I'm annoyed with people not helping that I feel should be and constantly questioning bringing an outsider in for help.
The lady across the street owns her own cleaning business and I have have been very tempted in asking how much she would charge for basic clean up stuff. Ya know mopping, dusting, vacuuming, and wiping down the bathrooms. This is just all very hard for me to realize that I need the help. I just want to do it myself..

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