Friday, August 29, 2014

follow the Navy road..

Back in May I talked about my husband picking orders. I posted about it here if ya wanna go back and read it. Now we are in the end of August and while I don't have concrete news to share yet I can tell you that this is a scary road.

So if you aren't familiar with military life and how our husbands (or wives) pick orders .. let me explain. They have a list called a 'billet' that shows all the openings, locations and ships name. They pick three places they would like to go. They submit their selections and then their detailer goes over the picks and chooses what they feel would be best for the Sailor. If those selections are denied then they give to pick three different ships/places again and submit it again for review. If those are denied then they pick three more and await while it's submitted. If that third set is declined then you become 'needs of the Navy' and the Navy will put you where they need you.

Now that I've explained that.. we are on our third set. Currently there are no open 'billets' for San Diego orders for my husbands rate.  He even picked orders for pay grades below him, just to try and stay here in San Diego. Trouble with that is if a E5 is up for orders at the same time.. the E5 gets the orders over a E6. So now we are waiting to here what happens from here.. well we know what happens. IF he gets declined again for this last set of orders he picked then he'll become needs of the Navy.

While I will openly say that I was wrong with assuming that my husband would pick orders for Japan and he didn't. I'll still say that if he ends up going due to 'needs of the Navy' - I'll still stay behind. I have no interest in leaving the States and going to Japan. None. For reason's I've said before it's because of our house and mostly because of our animals. While I know that him going to Japan without me will mean two years apart.. we can handle that. Our marriage is strong enough to handle the two year seperation .. plus he'll be gone most of the time and I'd rather be in the States alone then overseas.

The point of the of the post is to state that we are in order limbo. It's a scary place to be. The not knowing and knowing that everything is about to change along with it. 2015 is a HUGE year of change for us.. without the orders.. so we shall see where this road takes us. The only things that has really changed from the last post to this post is that..
1. He didn't choose to go to Japan.
2. If he gets stateside orders we might sell our house and move.

I really want the whole Navy experience of PCSing and moving somewhere new. We have already decided we aren't going to live in California forever .. we might as well venture out a little. I wish Corpus Christi was an option or we'd get to pick some of the Southern bases.. like Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi.. but that ship has sailed.

In the next couple of week's I'll be able to share more information with what we are going to be doing. It might be nice to start this new chapter of our lives somewhere different.. in the States.. but somewhere other then California.

Where are some of your favorite military stations you've been?
Has your husband ever been 'needs of the Navy?'

Thursday, August 28, 2014


Dear Bestie, 

Happy birthday. 
This is the greatest and biggest birthday of your life, this far. 
While I'm unable to be with you in person, this year, I hope you enjoy the gift I sent you. 
after fourteen year of being in each other's lives.
 Through all the ups and downs. 
You have been my rock, especially these past four years. 
I don't know how I would have gotten through so many of these moments without your council and skype convo's. 
They have meant the world to me. 
As your world blossoms and changes into a beautiful new chapter - I'm honored to be with you. 
I wish you all the happiness and joy in the world. 
SO I'll drink two glasses of wine tonight to celebrate... possibly three.
one for you.. since you are preggo.
one for us.. that we become stronger and closer as the years pass
and three just because I'm a wine-o. 


I love you. 
Happy Birthday bestie. 

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I just....

Two weeks ago I shared a personal situation in a post called Come On! I'm finding it harder and harder to suppress my anger and resentment. I look around my life and think why. I think of all the times I've cried and prayed asking God "why not me and her?". This is the hardest pregnancy I've dealt with.. in my life. It's the hardest and darkest time I've ever faced. It doesn't make sense but it's not for me to make sense with. I'm sure that God had a reasoning for choosing this person to be a Mommy before me. I'm sure he took great time deciding when the best time is to place this miracle in her womb to grow big and strong. My biggest struggle comes from understanding why not us. 
I can't recount the many times I've begged and pleaded for a baby in my womb. I can't express the times I have promised all those promises to the man upstairs if he'd just grant me two lines on the pee test I was holding. I can't began to explain how every fertility cycle starts with me praying that I'm doing what he asks of me. That I'm walking down the road he has chosen for me. That I'm taking all these steps to have a baby and he's ok with it. It makes my eyes sting saying these things. After every failed attempt I cry to him to give me peace and to silence my pained heart.
As the time draws near for us to hang up our hats on this road it gets harder and harder to be excited with other's expecting news. I'm finding it harder and harder to be humble and be excited for all the others. Is it vain to keep asking .. "God what about me?" or "God, what did I do wrong? I promise I'll repent and never do it again.. please God tell me what I did wrong". I look for comfort in his words and in my quiet time and I don't find the peace. I don't find the understanding that my head needs and the comfort for my heart.
Now this person gets to share her babys birth around my Dad's birthday. It's so much to bare. I wanted that date. I wanted to share that special day with my child. A child who will never met his grandfather and my parent. My child will never get to experience the moments with this man like I did because he is no longer here. I just wanted that connection between my Dad and my child.. but it wasn't for me. SO I cried and say "ok God I know you are working with a bigger plan and I can conceit the date". Then 'Sandra' calls to tell me she is using his name to name her child. My heart breaks, tears flow down my face and I can't think. I'm so filled with anger, hurt and jealousy. I can't believe she gets this so easy when I've worked so hard. 'Sandra's man is giving up his rights to his child so she will get to use the whole name.. not just parts of it.. and I'm angry. Anger and hurt burts out of me. It's a blinding anger. I try to pretend that I'm ok with it, but I can't hide it. I can't lie to God and say I'm ok with this when I'm not because he knows.
I can't be happy with this pregnancy right now. I'm excited and I'm not. It's hard to explain but hopefully someone else has been here and knows what I mean. I'm angry that it's not me and it's her. I'm angry that she gets the most important person, in my life, his birthday to share with her child. I'm angry that she is using a name that I've wanted to use since I started trying to have a child in 2005.
I'm openly sharing that I'm struggling with God's will and I'm struggling with how all this is coming to play out. I'm tired of hiding my feelings and moving forward. I'm tired of asking for this little miracle and watching everyone else get it.
It's like waiting around a Christmas tree while presents are being passed out only to find that you didn't get a gift. It's like waiting in line to be picked for a team and being the last picked. I'm trying to find comfort in my heart and I'm trying to find peace with this whole situation. I know God has a bigger plan and I just don't see it. I just need the patience and peace in my heart to handle this.


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Eating disorders.

For years we have heard about eating disorders. Maybe you've actually known someone with one. I, personally, do not. While I have written the past two days on how I feel women have become marketing schemes. If you have read the past two posts then you see that I'm hugely outrageous that women are marketing sexual object. I'm also outrageous that it has come down to body shaming, altering our appearances and eating disorders.
Today I want to shed some light on the different types of eating disorders. All the information used came from 
According to the website to be classified as Anorexia Nervosa comes from these four steps. 1. A person being 15% under their expected body weight. 2. Fear of gaining weight even though they are under weight. 3. A person must be disatisfied with the way their body currently looks. 4. Changes in mensteral cycles resulting in three missed cycles called Amenorrhea takes effect.
This website names off a couple of different types of eating disorders such as:
Bulimia Nervosa :
Bingeing <BED>  
Anorexia Athletica  
Over Exercise
Over Eating
Night Eating
It's hard to sit and read all these different categorizations and definitions from them all. One is one too many. While I read through them all I could identify with a couple of them personally. While I don't feel I have a eating disorder I do understand why the awareness from them are important. 
While we can sit and listen to one websites definitions I feel that statistics are important - if not more important. I set down and looked over It's a national association of anorexia and associated disorders. It says that 50% of all people with eating disorders have a form of depression. Only 1-10 men/women get help and receive treatment. 35% of these people get help at a specialized facility. 24 million people, of all ages and gender, suffer from a eating disorder. Eating disorders have the highest mortality of any mental illness. That is astonishing! 24 million people suffer. 50% have a form of depression and only 35% get help at a specialized facility. That is very un-nerving. The website goes into more detail and defines it all out by gender and age. It's even got a column called "Media, Perception, Dieting". is another site that talks about the different eating disorders and signs to look for. Its also says that since the 1950's eating disorders have been in a steady incline. Since 1930 women from 15-19 have battles anorexia. Bulimia tripled. Yes Tripled. In women ages 10-39 from 1988 - 1933. While it's common that eating disorders are linked to psychological disorders that few are able to get help due to medication or psychological interference. 

With all of this that we read. All of the multiple websites that provide the information to help us stay healthy and fit. We still find a way to body bash our self's. We find a way to bully or to make someone else feel less than. While I can't blame all the pressure that women and men place on their physical appearance to commercials, magazines, music video's and porn. I can say that we have a way to stop it. We have a way to put our foot down and say enough is enough. We have a way to help our daughters, nieces and future generations fall under these same brackets. Being healthy is one thing but feeling the pressure to become more for everyone else is just too much.

I'm tired of being a sexual object. I'm tired of feeling that I have to conform to a certain body type to feel good about myself. I'm tired of running into women who's bodies I claim are perfect and feeling bad about myself. I'm tired of body shaming myself and I'm tired of watching my nieces do it to themselves. I'm tired of seeing "Carl's Jr" commercials and shaking my head at the way women are portrayed. I'm tired of seeing side boobs and naked body scenes and comparing my body to theirs. I want to do more to stop this. I want to take a stand and put my voice out there. I want a better generation of body images in young teens and adults. 

I hope the past three days has enlightened your view on this topic in some way. While it's a passionate topic for me it may not be for some of you reading this. I urge you all to stop and think the next time you go to 'body shame' yourself or someone else. I also urge you to stop and think the next time you judge yourself or someone else in front of a younger generation. I plead you to stop and think before you google the next fad diet. Excercise and diet are healthy.. in moderation. We have to learn to love ourselves and our bodies again. 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Society has created.

Our society has created body bashing. We have allowed for commercials, magazine ads, evening tv shows and movies to change the perception of the human body. I wrote about this yesterday and got really carried away on my soap box.. but I'm not done. I'm so sick of having to feel the need to be skinnier, younger, and so scrutinized all the time. I think of my young nieces who grow up in this same environment and wonder "when is this going to stop!". We have just accepted the side boob shot, the nude shot or the incredibly ludicrous commercials. We have tuned in to watch music video's and now video games are starting to have the big busty women in the mix.

Colbie Caillat went on record recently with "Ellie" stating that she is tired of being airbrushed. You can read that article here. In this article she talks about how she talks to 'baby face' and the pressure to look a certain way. The song and music video "Try" elaborates more on the pressure she feels that women experience all the time. I couldn't agree more but you can watch the video and decide for yourself.

I ran across this web page. It's telling a story about a women who covered her mirrors and stopped focusing on her appearance for her nine year old daughter. Jennifer Dukes Lee even wrote a book about it called "Love Idol".  When her daughter asks why she gave up the indulgence of mirrors for lent she answered because I am tired. "I'm tired of this self-degradation that we do as women, that we're either not enough or too much - which all depends on whether we're looking in the mirror (not enough) or staring at the numbers on the bathroom scale (too much)."  

October 14, 2013 released an article called "What does it feel like to be airbrushed". Georginia Wilkin, 23, a former model who developed a eating disorder due to the pressure says "I felt awful - I felt that what you are as a human being isn't good enough". So while the reporter gets her picture taken and gets 'altered' before her eyes she shares her experience. It's also stated that in 2008 talk of banning airbrushing circulated due to the number of teenage eating disorders - but as you know that didn't happen.

There was even a body evolution video circulating on facebook for a while. It show cases a young women posing for a picture and shows you step by step how this women got airbrushed in front of your eyes. It's pretty eye opening. Even though we watched it and commented on it.. nothing past that happened.  Here is the clip:

I'm not sure exactly when this became the norm or acceptable. I don't know why we allowed ourselves to be degraded and feel less worthy. Yes models get paid way more then I do. They work out, they have personal trainers.. but they have struggles with the pressure too. Tyra Banks joined Special K's campaign to help stop body bashing. why?  Why would Tyra Banks do this? because.. "93% of women 'fat talk' about themselves and do it in front of their daughters. They say my body is so disgusting, it makes me feel sick.. etc And I'm thinking, your daughter is probably your size and she's hearing that?" Crazy right?  You can read the whole article here.

So now that I've gotten a little further into the whole body bashing and away from commercial sex selling. Tomorrow I'm going to start sharing statistics and talking about this different types of eating disorders. Why? Because this is real. This is happening. This is effecting our daughters, nieces and our future generations. This has got to stop. Women are worth more then a picture. We are worth more then to be dissected for men's pleasure. We owe ourselves to stop pressuring our bodies to be manipulated so that we can project the 'perfect body'.

Monday, August 18, 2014

marketing sex.

A couple of nights ago Jeff asked me a question that started a whole long conversation that I felt I should share. Jeff asked me when women became so threatened by one another that it clouded the illusion of friendship. Right as I went to answer that question a commercial for Carl's Jr came on and I said "That's what happened". So bare with me and my rant as I explain how I feel that selling sex has hurt women's friendships with one another.

I think the pressure that women have on themselves now to look perfect hurts our relationships with other women. We are taught to have our own look anymore - we are all clones. If you aren't super skinny you are fat. If you don't wear makeup you are homey. If you don't try to spend every dime on a wardrobe your washed out. We tell ourselves that our husbands demand us to look sexy in fear that they will leave us. We push ourselves to try fad diets, new workout routines, higher heels, and shorter everything.  Our society has built women to be a sexual object. Again I bring us back to the latest Carl Jr's commercials.

Anybody else feel degraded by these commercials? This what our daughters and nieces think they have to look like. We have girls in early Jr high looking like someone in high school. We can't tell the difference between girls that are in high school and college. The demand to look older, smoldering, tan, skinny.. it's overwhelming. What are we really teaching our girls? What are teaching ourselves?

We have become so judgmental over every women that walks by. We judge how someone looks in jeans, how fast she loses baby weight, how much weight she gains when she gets pregnant. We judge the women eating a hamburger instead of a salad. Even when we are in the gym to improve our image we are judging the heavy set girl on the treadmill doing the same exact thing we are doing. We are so threatened by what our friends are wearing and how they are accepted in social circles. We cutt each other down, we knock each other over and we don't even know what 'build each other up' means. Two girls make a goal to work out together to become healthy. One loses more weight then the other. Friendship is over. Two girls walk in a bar, both are single. One friends gets hit one. Friendship is over.

We run to a nail salon, the gym, the tanning beds, the hair salon. We modify all our natural beauty with makeup, fake eyelashes, extensions, fake nails. We wear jeans that are so skinny they cut off circulation. Our tops become shorter. Our skirts become shorter. Our shorts barely cover our butt cheeks. We have to have a flat stomach and tanned skin. We have to either be blond or brunette. We can't allow ourselves to have 'flaws'.

Marilyn Monroe was considered to be one of the most beautiful women in the 50's - 60's. Would she even be on the list with today's standards? Her beauty came from curves. While she wowed us all in her bikini's photo's I wonder what she would think of our standards now. While Kate Upton, Katherine Webb, Sarah Underwood and Paris Hilton are gorgeous women.. they shouldn't be setting the standard for young girls around the world. Should they?

I feel like I'm on the of the few women who have issues with today's standards. Do we think it's not going to get worse? What are the statistics from the 90's to today with teen eating disorders? Skinny isn't healthy.. it's skinny. So are you starving yourself to look like a model, a movie star, or a porn star?

Candice Swanepoel is gorgeous.. no lie. Her body is rockin' but she trains hard to look this way. We can't all look like Candice. We can be happy with how our own bodies look but instead we compare ourselves to what we think we should look like. A nip here, a tuck here.. wow now I'm beautiful and I look just like Candice. When did it become so wrong to look like ourselves?

Recently a country group "Maddie & Tae" got a lot of heat for making fun of the way women are used in country videos. And they are right. Instead of getting the pun and saying "hey we deserve better as a sex" we tear the girls apart in the video stating the point. "Oh did you see her mid drift shirt?" "What about those shorts!".. We are missing the point!! Watch the video below:

Isn't anybody else upset that women have fought to have rights since the 1800's and in 2014 a women is a piece of eye candy? We are just meant to capture every eye of every man & women. We are meant to look sexy sweating, eating, drinking, dancing, pregnant, giving birth.. I mean seriously!! We have allowed the use of sex to add to much pressure to us women. We are also allowing this to shape the way our younger girls view themselves too.

I don't know about you but I think we women have a right to stop the way we are portrayed! We aren't all Cougars, or MILF's. We aren't all beauty queens. We aren't all super models. We are women that are as equally beautiful as the next. When are we going to take a stand and stop being just a peace of ass?? When are we going to stop allowing our bodies to be used as a marketing tool?? When are we going to take a stand and change the dynamic of our female generations who think all they are on this earth for is to look sexy for a man??

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Swimming & Paleo

I have made a point to go and swim everyday at the Y. I'm up to 12 laps, if you are counting getting from one side to the other as a lap. If you are counting a lap as from one side to the other then back.. I'm up to 6 laps. I read that it's from one side to another.. so with that I happy I've gotten 12 laps in. Today I want to add four laps in with a kick board. To really work those leg muscles. It seems my arms and shoulders are getting a lot of the workout. I can also feel it in my core. After getting these laps down, I'll start integrating some basic floor routines before hitting the gym. It's been a LONG time since I have swam laps & I'm loving it!

My husband & I started our new diet. It's been an adjustment for sure. I haven't been as faithful as he has but I can already start to tell a difference in both of us. For the past week we have both been on the Paleo diet. It's so simple! Last night, because of dental work, I had a banana, strawberry's and pineapple.. it was so good and I was full! My husband had a lettuce tuna wrap and he said he was stuffed! He has lost almost 20 pounds this week and I have lost 5.

While I'm in a complete agreeance to rid my body of any whole grain items. I do believe I can stick to a meat, veggie and fruit diet for a while. I can't find any information where grains are bad for you, but according to the caveman diet .. agriculture didn't exist so neither did wheat. The bigger issue is removing the soda's and coffee from my diet that I've grown to love and depend on so much. Although I keep reading that coffee is good for you.. hopefully I can at least just take it with cream. Again I can stick to the meat, veggies, fruits and nuts. I think it will be more cost effective AND if we can shed a couple of pounds from it.. I'm happy.

Have you tried the Paleo diet? What did you think about it? What kind of results did you see?

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

We have a date!

Good Morning.
I know a lot of my blog has seemed dark and sad lately. I think everything is just starting to shift a little and this is the storm before the calm. Yes I twisted that around because I usually don't get a calm before a storm.. usually.

Today I'm here to share good news. Well good news for us. Our IVF retrieval date is currently Oct 22nd. I'm not sure when we start our meds but I was told that we could stop taking the birth control pills until Sept if we wanted. That leads me to believe that we aren't doing meds until Sept sometime. I've also come to understand through a facebook support group on how the rest will work.
So here is the game plan:
I'll do the retrieval.. meaning they will surgically go in and take my eggs.
Then they will take my husbands sperm and inject the eggs with his sperm.
They will give the eggs 3-5 days, while being monitored, to check the maturity.
Depending on quality and maturity we will either go back on day 3 or 5 and the Dr will insert the fertilized egg(s) back in my uterus.

Before that happens the eggs will be graded and we will know how many Great, Good, Ok and Poor eggs we created. We then have the choice on either using just ONE egg or using two. The rest will either be frozen or donated. More or less they will be frozen in the case we have to do this all over again. Right now without knowing quality, the husband & I are talking about go for two eggs. That gives a higher success rate and a higher chance on having multiples.. which we want.

After the eggs we have picked go into the uterus where they decide if they want to live there or not. Eight days later I'll go back for blood work to see what they decided ... it's daunting and exciting at the same time. The eighth day is when they will either implant or not. Then after that day we will do blood work either every other day or weekly to check the levels.

I'm also excited that the nurse asked us to stay on the birth control pills in the case that someone drops from the cycle. There are many things that cause people to drop from the cycle and we are praying we get bumped up in our date. If the date changes I'll let you know. Past that I'll more or less keep the outcome a surprise until  we are able to either announce a pregnancy or that we are going to try again. I've never really come across a blog that openly shares an IVF cycle so that's my goal. I hope you all continue to follow me through this amazing journey of creating our thunder bean. 

Monday, August 11, 2014

Come On!

Of all the crap that kicks being kicked my way I feel I've taken the high road - for the most part. It seems that as soon as my life starts to be on the track I want it to be - I get derailed. Since I can't share the true identity of the person I'm writing about today we are going to change her name.

Friday my husband & I went to the the fertility Dr and had our SIS done. SIS is a saline sonogram that Dr's use to look at someone uterus. It's a procedure they do before IVF and if you have something in your uterus like a polyp. Since I had an SIS done before with Eddie a year ago it wasn't a big deal. After the SIS we were supposed to get our IVF schedule from the IVF coordinator but she left before the procedure was done. Without that schedule I don't know when our transfer will take place.. so I'll let y'all know when I do. We were happy to hear that we have 25 eggs between both ovaries, which means less injections for me to take during the process. The 25 eggs also means it raised our success ratio but it ultimately depends on the quality of the eggs after they have been introduced to the sperm. So my Friday started out to be really really good.

After getting home we all decided to relax and drink a couple of beers. Then I got the phone call. Since, again I can't share the identity of this person, I'll say that we grew up together. She is a couple of years younger then me and we aren't super close but we are close. So we'll call this person "Sandra". So 'Sandra' calls to tell me that she is 7 weeks pregnant. Had a roll in the hay with some dude and got knocked up. 'Sandra' also went on to tell me that she is keeping the baby.
 ~ Cool~
What pissed me off even more is how the remainder of the conversation unfolded. 'Sandra' went on to say how "upset she was that she got pregnant her first go around and I've been trying for so long. It's not fair that it was so easy for me and it's been so hard for you."

First of all I don't care how sincere or nice you were trying to be that's rude. I'm not some soft crippling women who can't bare the thought of anyone else having a child.  I've never been rude or shut someone out because they have had a baby. I feel that if you really knew me then you'd know that.
Second. When you do tell me I take a moment to process it and so that it doesn't become about me. I usually get off the phone, if we are talking that way, and take a couple of minutes to absorb the news and continue talking to you about your baby and pregnancy. Again the thought of someone thinking I'm going to fall in the floor screaming and kicking is beyond rude.
Third. The third party involved went on to tell me that they were terrified of the fact that 'Sandra' went to planned parenthood for a confirmation instead of her Dr. Planned Parenthood isn't just a place to go for abortion information. They help people who don't have insurance get on birth control and get paps. People really should educate themselves on programs. That third party person went on to say that they don't agree with young women being on birth control pills just for the heck of it. To that statement I say You are stupid.

Birth control isn't a magic pill you give your daughter while silently giving them permission to bed every man they see. I don't believe by handing your daughter the pill, or taking them to get a birth control shot, it's a way of giving permission for sexual behavior. What teenager or young adult listens to their parents? I mean we all thought our parents were crazy and we knew more then they did. We were all young and some of us did dabble in sex before marriage. I just feel that protecting young adults from the lifetime consequences of a having a child is being responsible. I'd love to know my daughter had some type of protection when faced with being caught up in the moment. I'm just a advocate for birth control but I'm also a believer that it's not a "here ya go - have fun!" kind of step either. I also don't believe that parents really talk to their kids about sex anymore and how it all works.

Overall I'm just angry of how it all unfolded. I'm happy that she is having a baby. I'm happy that she can have a baby. My anger doesn't go towards the fact that she is pregnant - my anger goes towards the assumption that I was going to fall in the floor hysterical about it and the fact that the third party thinks that birth control is basically permission for your daughter to be sexually active.
I think it's time people stop assuming that I'm so weak and can't handle pregnancy news. I'm also very upset that this could have been avoided by simply being on a pill or a shot. I feel it's every women's right to have the choice to be on the pill and understand why they are on it. I also believe that knowing that not all birth control is 99% effective and knowing that some medications can void the pill is important too. I'm not blaming the third party but if birth control hadn't been an unthinkable alternative to a sexually active young adult - then we might not be having this post. Ultimatley it's 'Sandra's' fault for allowing herself to be uneducated and to tango without proper protection. Therefore she will forever be reminded of this romp in the hay.

Friday, August 8, 2014

we are going through Invitro

It's time to talk about it. 
It's time to let the cat of the bag and share this part of my life. 
We are starting the IVF process. 
I'm terrified. 
I never imagined I'd go this far with infertility. 
Treatments or otherwise. 
I've battled myself a lot on the road to take. 
A huge part of me wants to walk away because it's so heartbreaking to go through medicines, ultrasounds, Dr's appointments, giving my self injections, mood swings to get a negative test at the end. It's so gut wrenching and heartbreaking. 
As much as I want to walk away - I'm not in this alone. 
My husband goes through this with me too and he wants to give the IVF a try. 
Blood work is done for the both of us. 
Birth control pills have been given and will be taken for the next couple of months.
I have a Saline Sonogram coming up so they can check my uterus and make sure it's baby ready.
Then we get a schedule. 
A schedule that will define our next two months where we pray endlessly that this works. 
That I will pray with every pill, every injection and every Dr's appointment.
The egg retrieval is an 'out patient' surgery.
Five days later we have to choose which embryos are frozen, donated or used.
Then we wait. 
We wait to see if all of this created a little miracle. 
There are days I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this. 
There are days I want to cry and hide from every bulging belly and every snugging blanket. 
It's too hard & painful. 
I feel alone. 
I feel less of a women at times.
I feel that ache in my heart.
I plan for a future with kids and try not to think about my life with out them.
We have to be realistic. 
It's not a fairy tale world. 
It's so painful. 
 I have faith. 
I have faith I will have kids one day.
I have faith that it will be sooner then later. 
I don't know how or when but I will have kids one day.
I'll take this journey.
I'll ride this rollercoaster of emotions in hopes of a baby in my tummy.
I'll share my experience for other women just like me.
So that they know they aren't alone and they know someone feels the same.
We are going through invitro.
I'm terrified.
I'm scared.
I'm hopeful.
I can't give up. 
I want this too bad. 


Thursday, August 7, 2014

Work for your goal.

My husband was up for an advancement. If you know the military world then you know all the hoops for someone making Chief or E-7 in the Navy. In this post I'll compare the Chief process and compare it to infertility. Why? Because it's compareable. We all have goals and work towards them. SO here we go. 

1. Military: You do a complete workup. You take a test and you wait for the results. You hope and pray that everything you've done for the past 9 months will pay off.
Fertility: You do blood work and exams. You take birth control pills and prenatal vitamins. You hope and pray that everything you've done in the past 3 months will pay off. 

2. Military: You wait for results. You question everything. You look over all your past evals. You ask people who have advanced questions. 
Fertility: You wait two weeks for results. You pray and question everything you have done for the past two - three weeks. You ask people who have achieved a pregnancy questions and google everything. 

3. Military: You find out you didn't advance. You are so upset. You thought you had it in the bag. You go back and question everything you have worked for and try to figure out what happened. You start preparing for the next test. You tear yourself apart. Join more events, go back to school and hit the gym. You plan your goals, wipe off your tears and move forward - praying the next time will be the one. 
Fertility: You have pee'd on the stick and it's negative. You didn't advance into Motherhood. You are so upset. You thought you had done everything right - acupuncture, no alcohol, no tobacco. No one can tell you why your body didn't create a little cocoon for your future baby. You cry, scream and block all your pregnant friends from your facebook feed (for a couple of days). You start back at square one and try to figure out how to make yourself better. Maybe no coffee next time. Maybe I haven't lost enough weight. So you plan your goals, wipe off your tears and move forward - praying the next time will be the one

Both are so different and yet they are both the same. Timelines and such may be different but essentially it's all the same. You put all your sweat, prayers and tears in to achieving the overall goal. It's painful and heartbreaking when you don't meet your goal. As sad as I am that my husband didn't advance - I know he will achieve his goal just like I know we will achieve our pregnancy goal. It's not just my goal or his goal.. it's our goals. So we just take a moment and grieve the lost and move forward with more determination. 

The point is - no matter what your goal is you work towards achieving it. You keep moving forward and hopefully you don't get discouraged and you reach your goal. Keep going - whatever your goal is... it's worth it. 

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

relaxation - finaly

This past weekend my hubby & I had the house to ourselves. We did what any couple who had the house to themselves would do - we cleaned.
Don't worry we had a little fun too..

Thursday my hubby paid for me to go get a massage & facial. It was amazing. I haven't been that pampered in a while... a long while. Afterwards I came home to find that he had also got dinner from TGI Fridays. He got my favorite appetizers and my favorite salad!! I was very shocked and very excited.

Friday I slept. No I mean I woke up at like noon. The first time in a l o n g time that I wasn't woken up to dogs barking, doors slamming, kids screaming, tv blaring.. the house was so quiet. I got woken up by the hubby and immediatly felt guilty. He had been up since 430 and I was still asleep at noon. He quickly squashed my quilt by explaining that his plan was for me just to relax. I, on the other hand, had other plans. I rushed to Target to get some cleaners and picked up an awesome 'date night' outfit.
We ended up going to see "Guardians of the Galaxy" that afternoon. {It's a really good movie.. I was really impressed}. Then came home to start our deep cleaning spree with some pizza.

Saturday & Sunday were just filled with random stuff.
I made a pot of chili and we just vegged out. It was a gloomy semi rainy day {not that it really rains here in San Diego}. I watched some tv while he got some homework done. I got all the laundry done. We watched a movie called A.C.O.D = which was good but a huge downer. It's a very serious movie with some great actress' and actors in it. On Sunday we started season 1 of "House of Cards"; which I highly recommend!

Monday has been a really quiet day. Aside from the nail salon and meeting the husband for our semi monthly car cleaning date. We went to the Y to get some laps in. We watched two episodes of "House of Cards" and a pot of coffee.

Today I'll be starting our bedroom deep clean. I want to get the carpet cleaned and I have a couple of other things. I'm still enjoying the quiet and the clam. It's always exciting around with kids adn roomies.. so it's a nice change for some relaxation.