Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I just....

Two weeks ago I shared a personal situation in a post called Come On! I'm finding it harder and harder to suppress my anger and resentment. I look around my life and think why. I think of all the times I've cried and prayed asking God "why not me and her?". This is the hardest pregnancy I've dealt with.. in my life. It's the hardest and darkest time I've ever faced. It doesn't make sense but it's not for me to make sense with. I'm sure that God had a reasoning for choosing this person to be a Mommy before me. I'm sure he took great time deciding when the best time is to place this miracle in her womb to grow big and strong. My biggest struggle comes from understanding why not us. 
I can't recount the many times I've begged and pleaded for a baby in my womb. I can't express the times I have promised all those promises to the man upstairs if he'd just grant me two lines on the pee test I was holding. I can't began to explain how every fertility cycle starts with me praying that I'm doing what he asks of me. That I'm walking down the road he has chosen for me. That I'm taking all these steps to have a baby and he's ok with it. It makes my eyes sting saying these things. After every failed attempt I cry to him to give me peace and to silence my pained heart.
As the time draws near for us to hang up our hats on this road it gets harder and harder to be excited with other's expecting news. I'm finding it harder and harder to be humble and be excited for all the others. Is it vain to keep asking .. "God what about me?" or "God, what did I do wrong? I promise I'll repent and never do it again.. please God tell me what I did wrong". I look for comfort in his words and in my quiet time and I don't find the peace. I don't find the understanding that my head needs and the comfort for my heart.
Now this person gets to share her babys birth around my Dad's birthday. It's so much to bare. I wanted that date. I wanted to share that special day with my child. A child who will never met his grandfather and my parent. My child will never get to experience the moments with this man like I did because he is no longer here. I just wanted that connection between my Dad and my child.. but it wasn't for me. SO I cried and say "ok God I know you are working with a bigger plan and I can conceit the date". Then 'Sandra' calls to tell me she is using his name to name her child. My heart breaks, tears flow down my face and I can't think. I'm so filled with anger, hurt and jealousy. I can't believe she gets this so easy when I've worked so hard. 'Sandra's man is giving up his rights to his child so she will get to use the whole name.. not just parts of it.. and I'm angry. Anger and hurt burts out of me. It's a blinding anger. I try to pretend that I'm ok with it, but I can't hide it. I can't lie to God and say I'm ok with this when I'm not because he knows.
I can't be happy with this pregnancy right now. I'm excited and I'm not. It's hard to explain but hopefully someone else has been here and knows what I mean. I'm angry that it's not me and it's her. I'm angry that she gets the most important person, in my life, his birthday to share with her child. I'm angry that she is using a name that I've wanted to use since I started trying to have a child in 2005.
I'm openly sharing that I'm struggling with God's will and I'm struggling with how all this is coming to play out. I'm tired of hiding my feelings and moving forward. I'm tired of asking for this little miracle and watching everyone else get it.
It's like waiting around a Christmas tree while presents are being passed out only to find that you didn't get a gift. It's like waiting in line to be picked for a team and being the last picked. I'm trying to find comfort in my heart and I'm trying to find peace with this whole situation. I know God has a bigger plan and I just don't see it. I just need the patience and peace in my heart to handle this.

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