Wednesday, September 10, 2014

just checking in

Right now I feel that we are juggling quiet a few things. I'm not good with the 'unknown'. I feel that I deal with so much uncertainty with the fertility portion that when it flows over to other parts of my life - it's overwhelming.

Thursday I pick up our second medicine to prepare us for IVF. The hubby & I will both take the meds for ten days and then stop. I think we are both ready for this chapter to start and it's also daunting. I can't say that I'm exactly excited yet but I'm taking it step to step. I'm doing really well with not looking up anything to do with IVF.. meaning no googling at all. I think knowing the IUI stuff so well was also a hindrance. I joined a facebook fertility support group a while ago and those ladies have been amazing. Any question I do have there is always someone with an answer, a personal story and a lot of positive words. Nothing really starts to happen past this new medicine until mid October and then it will all move really fast.

Also with all that I've written before with the hubby's orders - he has become 'needs of the Navy'. We will know in three weeks where we will call home. I did find out that Grizzly can't fly at all .. with all of this it's been hard. Making decisions that feels right has been a challenge to say the least. There have been a lot of conversations of 'what if's' and a lot of tears (on my behalf). It's hard to say to my husband that I refuse to leave my dog baby behind in his final years. It's hard to know that the one place I've wanted to go (Hawaii) is an option and that I'll pass it up for my dog baby. He can't fly and even if he could they'd have to hold him in quarantine for two weeks. If you personally know me then you already know that's not an option for me. My husband & I are strong enough to face whatever lands at our feet so in three weeks I'll let you know where we go from here. I'm also very blessed that he openly understands that and is supportive of my decision.

There are a couple of other small things that we are juggling but nothing I can really talk about. I know that will all these things it's hard not to feel alone or misunderstood. I have found that people have judged me for my decisions (esp with Grizzly) and that's not fair. With so much of the unknown weighing in I think I've allowed my negative thoughts run wild. It's hard to control the emotions - {which i'm blaming on the fact I haven't been allowed to have a period}. I try really hard not to judge other people, I'm not perfect and it happens - but I do try. So to see that all the efforts of trying to be understanding to other people and it not be reciprocated is pretty rough.

I think at this turning point of my life. The here and now with so many different avenues and directions that we 'could' go down or 'might' go down - I feel alone. I feel abandoned. I feel lost. I feel sad. I'm scared. I'm anxious. So it's been really rough to get out of bed and find that ray of 'purpose' I used to find. It's hard to wake up and not want to just crawl back in bed and ignore life around me. Some call that depression but I think of it as a rough patch. Change for me is really really hard and having the cloud of 'unknown' over our heads is making it harder.

I know that between the relationship with my husband, those I call friends, and my family - I'll come out of all of this stronger and wiser. I know there is a purpose behind this dark moment and I trust that. I've never met a challenge or situation that I haven't prevailed from - so that is a comfort. So many new and wonderful things upon the horizon to look forward too.

I hope everyone has a great day! I'll check back in later this week.

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