Tuesday, October 7, 2014

goodbye Doxy

Today was my last day taking doxycycline. I can't believe we just took our last pill. The past ten days have just flown by. Tomorrow I stop taking birth control. I've been taking it for over three months now and I'm about to stop taking it. Thursday we have our baseline ultrasound that will map out our journey all the way to retrieval day.

My therapist asked me today how I was handling all of this. I can tell you all the facts and give you dates. I haven't googled anything about in-vitro either. I'm just trying to take this journey one day at a time but that doesn't answer his question. How am I handling all of this.

The honest answer is I'm not but I am in my own way. Every time we do a treatment I 'allow' myself to get excited and I plan ahead. I refuse to allow myself to do that this time. This is a different chapter and I'm afraid that I wont be able to keep my fingers from crossing or to stop myself from whispering silent prayers. I'm afraid to be excited and I'm afraid not too. I don't want to go through this, get a positive and not remember anything. I don't want to take pictures of injections or on retrieval day or on ultrasound days. At the same time I want all of those things. I want to look back in three years and show my children how I fought to have to them.

This is more emotional then I ever thought it would be. All I can do is take one day at a time. What is meant to happen will happen but the unknown makes me an emotional wreck. I have promised myself that I will force myself to relax and stay calm for a full two weeks. I have promised myself that I will read a whole lot of books and do as little to nothing as possible. It's all I can do. I know the most important days are from the retrieval to the blood work two weeks later. I know that the results of the blood work will either kill me or make me the happiest person in the world. That's a pretty big gap of the either / or.

While I don't know what I will do if we get a negative on blood work - I do know that I will keep the positive quiet for at least 8-9 weeks. I want to use the blog to document our journey. I want to document the emotional roller coaster {like this post} and all the future appointments. I just pray that this works & I pray that if it doesn't that my heart can handle the disappointment. I'm not sure what lays ahead for us if this doesn't work because I'm not sure I can put myself through this anymore. Which is sad and scary for me and it makes me wanna cry. I have wanted nothing more then to be a Mom.. nothing.  The pain and the worry and the heartache is just too much. It's hard pretending to be strong all the time because well face it nobody wants to hear you cry. After all we are the generation of "suck it up" at least that's how I feel.

Today we our last day of doxy and we have 14 whole days before our retrieval and I'm an emotional wreck.

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