Tuesday, February 25, 2014

hair disaster

Last year I made a huge hair decision. I couldn't decide on being blonde or brunette so I did both!

The hubby recently asked me to change it up and just go with one color. He even went through pinterest to help me find the color to change this too. As my appointment approached I became very nervous about changing it up ... changing color is always a scary thing! 
The picture I brought to my stylist was this:

I didn't think it would be that hard to bring it all to a brownish/ash color. I also thought it would be closer to my natural hair color ~ allowing me to go to the salon a little less. As she washed out the color I heard her start to apologize. She had used an 'ash' and it made my hair look green. She asked me to wait a week and then to come in for another dye session for free. I thought it looked good when we left the salon..

It was a little lighter and red toned then I wanted.. but I liked it. After a couple of washes it started to look green. So last Friday I went back to get it all straight. We had agreed to go a dark brunette to match the underneath (that we hadn't touched) and over the course of the next couple of weeks that color too will fade. I was furious with the end result.

It's black and I absolutely hate it!! I can't wash my hair enough in hopes that this color fades quickly! I've not had such dark hair since 2007 and I hated it then! The hubby is pleading that I find a new stylist and to go get this corrected in March because it looks bad. My pale complexion makes it look even worse! Although I hate to leave my girl.. I have to agree with the hubby. I didn't think covering up blonde was so hard, I've done it before & have never had to go to such a dark color.
I dunno maybe we are all wrong and it was the right thing to do but when the guys at 7-11 tell you it looks bad.. It looks bad. sigh Again hopefully it fades quickly!!  

Monday, February 24, 2014

Anniversary weekend

Last week I posted about our Anniversary & I mentioned that we would celebrate in style - post here. Today I'd like to share how we celebrated our first wedding anniversary!


Thursday night we went out to Olive Garden with our best friend who was our our 'best man' & his family! Our reception dinner was held at Olive Garden; so it was nice to be back a year later celebrating. We ordered a bottle of wine & got to keep the empty bottle as a token! That was really cool.

Later the hubby & I cut into the top of our wedding cake that we had saved. It was delicious! We shared another bottle of wine before stumbling off to bed for the night.
The hubby & I had decided that since our special day fell during a weekday we would celebrate on Saturday. We woke up to a huge breakfast and left the house around noon. I wanted to do something that we hadn't done before so I suggested we go to "Ceramics Cafe" and create something. It was a blast! We each picked an item and spent two hours laughing, talking and painting!
Our creations had to be glazed and fired before they were completed so we pick them up this week, but I got a couple of snap shots before we left. Hope they turn out as amazing as we think they will. This will be something we will have to do again!!

After leaving Ceramics Cafe we went to go see a movie. I wanted to see the Lego movie but we missed the start by ten minutes.. so we played 'movie roulette' and ended up watching "RoboCop". It was ok ~ the hubby thought it was great. We were going to go out to eat to end the night but we filled up on popcorn and weren't hungry. The thought of finding a DD and hitting up a local bar was an idea ~ but was dismissed after our bf realized he would be the DD. We settled for game night with our friends instead.

Our weekend was filled with memories and fun times. We didn't go on vacation, rent a hotel or really get away but we made lasting memories. I'm so thankful that I got to share this amazing weekend and milestone with my two closest friends. I'm also thankful that we got to create something that will be reminder of our first anniversary. I'm thankful that our cake lasted a year and was still as amazing as it was on our wedding day. I'm not sure that any one thing could have made this weekend better.


Thursday, February 20, 2014

One Year ago today

One year ago today I married my best friend. 
Today is a day of celebration and fun! 
Today we get to eat our year old cake & drink some champagne! 
This weekend we will celebrate in style! 
I'm so thankful to be where I am today and thankful to be sharing it with some wonderful people!! 
Here are some of my favorite pictures to share with you guys!









Wednesday, February 19, 2014

let it be known

This is the highest level of disrespect that I have ever encountered. For someone to be so malicious with removing, touching or altering my Dads clothes is beyond comprehension. To my knowledge I have not done anything to this family to warrant such a blatant act of disrespect and immaturity. I will no longer hold my tongue and I will no longer allow myself to be victimized by both of them. From this point on I will not have anymore contact, nor do I want to hear any updates, from that family. I am so livid that someone that I considered family would hurt me in such a profound way ~ knowing all the while that this was an intended act of hatered.  I feel that my brother NOT stopping this whole four year debacle is as just to much as blame as his narcissistic wife. From this day on I wish to have NO contact, of any kind, with either one of them.  If you can’t accept this please delete yourself from my life ~ social media & otherwise.


In June 2007 my Dad passed away & I took ALL his clothes back to Oklahoma with me with plans of making a quilt for my whole family. My whole life changed in 2010 and I ended up moving to Cali ~ after getting the blessing from my brother his wife . In Oct 2010 my sister in law took me to Oklahoma to me get my car, dogs and belongings. Once we were in Oklahoma we agreed to rent a Uhaul to take more then I initially planned & to empty her existing storage unit. We stayed up most of the night packing & filling half the Uhaul with my stuff that I took my from life in OK. We agreed that we would divide the things once in California ~ I would take what I wanted, she would get what she wanted and we would have a garage sale to sell the difference. The next morning we loaded up both vehicles with our stuff and my dogs and headed to her families home in Miami, Oklahoma I also agreed that she could take my chocolate lab, Mercedes, with her for protection. 
In Nov 2010 I got a phone call while in Texas that she wasn’t able to bring Mercedes with her. Knowing I didn’t have a way to get to Oklahoma she gave my dog to her sister ~ promising that she would be taken care of. Once we were in Miami, Oklahoma  everything changed I ended up leaving to California by myself with Grizzly ~ in the expectation that she would be following behind me in a couple of days. My sister in law ended up coming to California in Dec 2010 without Uhaul. 
Later in Dec I would move out of my brother & sister in laws home to take care of a Condo while a mutual friend was on deployment. I would later learn that it was said that I stole a pack of cigerattes and $20 from her purse (among other things) & that is why I was ‘kicked’ out.  The escapade didn’t stop there. After hearing from mutual acquantinces that I was cheating on my boyfriend with the guy who owned the condo I cut my ties with my brother & sil.
In April of 2011 I would come to need my brothers military assistance and have to bring them back into my life. I ended up deciding in May 2011 that I would go & stay in Texas for the remainder of Ben’s deployment. I handed over keys to the Condo so that they could check the mail and keep an eye on the Condo. 
Some time in the summer of 2011 my sister in law went back to Oklahoma while I was in Texas. She put together a garage sale ~ selling a majority of my belongings without my permission. The money made from the sale was said to be handed to me but instead was used for her to make it back to California. I never recieved a dime of that money but just promises that the important stuff had been saved. Upon returning to the Condo in September 2011 I realized that they had stolen from me again. Rearragnging the condo, stealing a brand new stereo and vaccum cleaner. I would also later learn that she went through another Sailors belonging that were in the Condo ~ among the items taken were a bed spread, sheets, clothes and jewelry. It would later be said that I was the one who stole these items and my sister in law had talked the Sailor into sending a friends to do a ‘sweep’ of my closet and Condo for proof of her belongings. Those belongings that I was said to have stolen where in her house the whole time & those sailors clothes were being worn by her daughter. 
I cut ties with them again debating on the relationship that I wanted to have with my brother but in fear of his wife antics. I tried building a relationship with the both of them and I put all my hesitiations on a back burner. Believing that I could find a way to be a part of the family I had been astranged from for so long. 
In early 2012 she would tell me that my biological family, that I had met in 2010, didn’t believe that I was the long lost sister. That they believed I was lying about my origins & intentions towards the family. That the ‘story’ that I share about my past wouldn’t equal up to the ‘truth’ the family had shared with her. She would go on to say that my own biological mother didn’t believe that I was the girl she gave birth too. Because my ‘sil didn’t believe that I in fact my brothers sister she requested that I have a DNA test done with my older brother, sister and brother. She would go on to say that until the DNA test proved that I was in fact a sibling I wasn’t a sibling at all. 
In late 2012 they would move to Washington relieving me from all stress and banter that had been caused. I would go on to try to build up a relationship with my brother and exclude her. 
In June 2013 I was told that the storage unit in Oklahoma had been brought to Washington and that my stuff was with them.  
In Nov 2013 my brother asked what I wanted for my birthday & I asked him to have at least my Dads shirts back. Feb 14th, 2014 I received an insulated bag containing half of my Dads clothing, none of the partially finished blankets that I had started and a mixture of other people clothing thrown in. I would also come to find a stack of my Dads shirts with needles driven down the center. 

I have allowed myself to be blinded and manipulated for a long time in hopes to gain a relationship with my brother. I've accepted that my sister in law & I will never be able to get along. I've endlessly made reasons and excuses stating that my brother couldn't knowingly go along with her behavior. After this past weekend I can no longer exclude him from any responsibility.
At any one time he could have stood up and stopped this. He could have worked with me to get my stuff, he could have given me the money that was made on selling my stuff and he could have told this crazy lady to STOP attacking me... but he didn't.

I'm done. Officially and forever done.



Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Blogging.

Blogging.
Blogging has really taken a backseat in my life lately. It's not that I don't have things to share or have the time to truly devote. It's because I feel that I cover the same three topics on a constant loop.
I started blogging to share my thoughts and my dreams. I started blogging as a diary that I shared to the world. I never in a million years thought that people would actually follow me but thankfully you do.
I like sitting down and sharing some of the milestones that we encounter. I enjoy sharing my stories and my struggles in hopes that it helps someone else someday. My life isn't one that I pray anyone copies or pittys. It's just my story.

I am a military wife. I am married to a Sailor. My husband & I bought a house and made into a home. We share our home with single sailors who rent rooms from us. We currently have a married couple with two kids living with us. It gets crazy but I wouldn't change it for the world. (More on this for tomorrow's post).

I struggle with infertility. My fertility is considered 'unexplained' - which is a nice of way saying they don't know what the hell is wrong with me. This is a huge topic because it is a huge part of my life.
Its something I openly share for two reasons:
1. I like to think that I can help someone who is also struggling. Maybe a post helps someone know they aren't alone with their thoughts and fears. Maybe I've done a treatment that you haven't and you want to know more about it. Maybe you just want to help understand what your sister, neighbor, friend is going through.
2. It helps me get through some rough patches. Putting my feelings and fears on this blog makes me feel like I'm not being ignored. It's so easy for people to say "oh it will happen" or "maybe it's just not your time" or "Don't think about it and it will happen". This is my safe place. This is where I go to vent, cry, scream.. just type it all down and it get it off my chest.

I want to be healthy. I share a lot about workouts and milestones in my weight loss progress. I'm not as dedicated as I should be but when I'm not going through a treatment for my infertility ~ I go to the gym. I go to they gym because it's a stress release. I feel the pressure to look a certain way since I'm not a wife with kids. I'm just a wife. So that means {to a lot of people} that I should look and act a certain way. I want to be proud of the way I look. When the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I want to just mute the world around me.. I go to the gym.

I don't take a ton of pictures, I don't feel sharing how I cleaned the floors is blog worthy and I want to look back and see that my posts are meaningful. I have a lot of drama and stress in my life outside of the three things I share on here. This is my safe place. This is my 'hear my roar' spot in the world.

I know that I don't take a lot of time to sit and read everyone's posts. I also don't write a comment every time I read a post which makes me a bad blogger in a way. I know that I need to put forth the effort to gain & keep my readers. It's just, honestly, had to read a bunch of blogs about pregnancy & kids. I will, however, try to put forth more time to stop and comment from here on.

Thank you all for following me through this crazy road I call life. I have made some great friends through blogging and I hope that I continue to do so. I just thought that it was time to write a 'why I blog' post. Just to help me reorganize my blogging priorities


Friday, February 14, 2014

the day of love



May your day be filled with love and laughter.
May you not feel alone.
May your heart be filled with peace and knowledge that you are loved. 
~Amy P~

Thursday, February 13, 2014

celebrating

Dear Lovelies;

To follow up with my weeks worth of love posts ~ I wanted to talk about our plans for this years Valentines Day.

This is our first Valentine's Day as a married couple. Last year my hubby surprised me with a single red rose. This year I am expecting the same. You see we have agreed that we aren't going to 'celebrate' the holiday because our wedding anniversary is on Feb 20th. I would rather save all the flowers and chocolates for six days later.

The couple that is living with us (our best friends) have family coming into town on Friday. We will be showered by his parents, siblings and their kids. Our original idea was to allow them to go out to dinner while we watched their kids. Now that doesn't seem like that is going to be an option from us; but the grandparents might be willing to.

I love getting flowers. I love getting cards. I love being in the 'mushy' moments but I'm not a fan of singling it out to one day. In other words I'm not a huge fan of V-Day. I'm excited to celebrate another 'first' and even more excited to know our One Year Anniversary is just around the corner.

Can't wait to read how you ladies celebrated Valentine's Day with your loved ones.


Wednesday, February 12, 2014

the meaning.


Dear Lovelies, 

Following with my trend this week I'm continuing on with my Valentine's Day posts.  Have you ever looked up why we celebrate Valentine's day? I thought today would be a great day to see how it all began and share it with you.

Early Christian martyrs were named Valentine but it originated from Valentinus of Rome.
This over commercialized holiday began in Rome by a saint names Valentinus. The most popular account of Saint Valentine of Rome states that he was imprisoned for helping solider's marry ~ that were forbidden to marry. He was also charged for ministering to Christians who were persecuted under the Roman Empire. While in prison it is said that he healed the jailers daughter and would later sign his final letter before being hung as 'Your Valentine'. 

While Saint Valentine's day is a 'feast day' for the Anglican communion, as well as the Lutheran Church. It is believed that Geoffrey Chaucer started the flourish of courtly love in the high middle ages. In the 18th century, in England, it involved into an expression in which lovers presentend flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards. 

There is a great deal more on more martyrs that were named "Valentines" in Rome; Dublin, Ireland; Europe and Africa. The 14th of Feb is celebrated as St Valentines day in various Christian denomoninations because it is said that it has 'rank' over all other Saints in the Calendar of Saints.  it is also said that Saint Valentine was bureid in the Via Flaminia on Feb 14th and the feast day is till celebrated in Balzan (Malta)   


Tuesday, February 11, 2014

true love

Dear Lovelies;

People say that true love is between a man and a women. They say that you know true love when you heart races, your palms sweat and you can't speak properly. When you go weak in the knees by staring in their eyes, when you can't stop checking your phone to see if they called or texted you... yea that's awesome but that is not the 'true love' I'm talking about.
In my opinion true love is that feeling that engulfs you when you hear your baby cry for the first time. It's that wave of emotion that takes over when you hear their heartbeat for the first time. The truest love; in my opinion; is the love a parent has for their child. As you all may know I don't have children but I couldn't imagine a stronger bond then a love for a child.

I have witnessed my friends through all stages of pregnancy and through the birth of their children. I have witnessed the following first couple of years in their lives. I have witnessed how much a couple changes once that little miracle is placed in their lives. I can't wait to have the type of true love in my life and I can't begin to explain how I love the change I have seen through my friends who have been blessed with a child. 

People have asked me how I can even comprehend being a parent. I have been told that it changes your life. I have been told to enjoy 'my freedom now' and I have been told "you'll understand when you become a parent". All of which I find rude and disrespectful.. I may not have a child in my arms but I am very aware of the amazing love, changes and stress a child can bring into your life. I've very aware of the sleepless nights, diaper changes, 2 am feedings and mounds of laundry. I'm just not sure how someone can't stand back and watch a new mother look at their child and not see 'true love'.  

To all your Mother's out there in this world you already have the best Valentine and gift in the world. Your child.









Monday, February 10, 2014

realization

Dear Lovelies.

These past couple of weeks have been huge for me. They have not only been about the reveal of my latest fertility adventure but also about the people around me.

 The anarchy of each person in my life is different and they all hold a different spot in my life. I mean my best girl friend is the person I vent too and discuss all my fertility stuff with. Then my best guy friend is the one I call when I don't understand my husband. He's the guy I've leaned on for so much advice and understanding ~ someone who has been able to tell me straight 'you are in the wrong'. Since my best girl friend is out of town we haven't talked as much as usual. Since my guy best friend lives with us now.. it has changed SO much.

I feel that I placed him higher then I should have. Maybe put him a little higher on a pedestal then anyone should have been. I've found that I am aggravated watching him ignore his wife and kids. I'm appalled at the comments that he makes about his wife staying home and not having a 'real' job. I am even more annoyed on the constant void he placed with him and his wife. I think the part that has upset me the most is realizing that he's not the person I created him to be. Which is a bigger disappointment then I prepared myself for. I love my friends. I would do anything for them. I would move mountains for my guy best friend and his family. He is a wonderful guy.. I just think that realizing that I placed him on a pedestal that was way above his grasp; is heartbreaking.

The upside to having this shift of awareness is that it's brought me to respect my husband more. It's brought me to see that I have a gem. I can't begin to count the ways that I have seen my own husband step up and be the bigger man. Our relationship has grown in leaps and bounds just by watching someone else conduct their relationship. The hubby & I's conversations often are about something that was said or something that was done. I keep my mouth shut with my observations.

My point is that I'm realizing that my best guy friend is just a human as the next person and this super man persona I gave him isn't reality. It's deflating to put so much stock in someone to realize that you were wrong. Again, the good point is that my husband became above my bf's status. I put my husband in the proper placing he should have been all along. It has given me enormous leaps of gratitude, love and respect for the man I share my life with. I think that's a great thing to realize.. especially right before Valentine's Day... don't you?


Friday, February 7, 2014

reality

Good Morning Lovelies,

Yesterday was very roller coaster emotional for me. You see I was prepared to take the pregnancy test and get a negative. I was prepared to make the phone call to the Dr to tell him it was a negative. That's what I've been doing for a while now.. nothing out of the ordinary. Same conversation. Same empathetic "sorry" "awww Amy" and "well, maybe it will happen next time!". Same void left in the pit of my stomach.

The Dr said that we will scheduled for our next round in May. At that point they will have to check where we are on the Invitro list. I almost dropped the phone. The tears stung my eyes and I tried really hard to ask questions and keep my composure. I know that we signed up last year and I know the waiting list is in between 14-16 months. I also know that we are really close to hitting that point.  It terrified me. I have never thought of seriously considering Invitro. I mean I have nothing against it and my hat goes off to the women who have done it. I was just hoping to achieve a pregnancy through the artificial insemination.

Now I'm sitting here going through every bit of information I have ever read to see what I can do to keep from having to do invitro. I have talked to the hubby about 'acupuncture' for both this next round AND for the invitro. I'm going to go back to basal temps for the next couple of months. I'm debating on the whole gym thing ~ just because they make me stop through treatments in fear of over stimulation.

Long story short is that my body responds to the meds. Eggs form. After they put the sperm into my body ~ it's not working. We have no idea what the problem is. Why it's not taking. I had 5 mature eggs and two that weren't fully mature.. total of 7! And my husband had over 7 million sperm. That was ONE MILLION sperm per EGG and they couldn't get the job done. Oy Vey.

The hubby and I talked and agreed that we will do ONE invitro round.. ONE. If that doesn't work then we are done trying. I think it's hard to grasp and I think it's even harder to keep wondering 'why'. I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm lost. I know anything can happen between now and May.. and from May to Oct... but it's the fact that we have put a 'expiration' date on this whole thing.

I don't know where this road will leave us, but I will go out knowing that I tried every possible angle and gave everything I had into creating a child of my own.  I know that I will leave this era of my life a fertility veteran and I have learned so much through this journey. I've also met some amazing women who have inspired me and who have given me hope. I would like to think I can do that too for some people.

For now.. we put our baby making meds and scheduled intercourse on the back burner and just live life.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

my next tattoo..

Dear Lovelies;

This morning I am changing the topic from my upcoming pregnancy test to Tattoo's! Our house has been buzzing about way to spend our tax return(s) and we have all agreed to get some ink done. Of course my tattoo is pending on a pee test but trust me I've already got some idea's lined up!

I want a neck tattoo.. something that is right under my hair line. That you will be able to see when I have my hair up (which is 90% of the time) or I can hide with it down. I have been searching through pinterest like crazy for some good ideas and I have narrowed my choices down to these three.







1. This design is one of my favorites! I love the anchor with the flowers wrapped around it. It's beautiful and has a ton of representation in my life. Plus I think if I colored one or all of the flowers in it might make it stand out a little more. I love this tattoo.. 

{shared from my pinterest board 'tattoos':
 




2. This design I feel is more me.. but I also feel like more people have this exact design. I love the whole infinity loop with the anchor and flowers! I mean I want all three of these things but again I also feel like I would walk down to the beach and see three or four other people with this tattoo. {shared from my pinterest board     'tattoo's: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/247135098275998725/ }






3. I like this tatttoo idea because it still have the anchor and in a way still have the infinity loop.. but in a heart shape. I think If I got this tattoo I would add some of the flowers to this to make it my own. I'm also not sure that I would add color at all .. but these are my three choices for a awesome neck tattoo!!
{shared from my pinterest board 'tattoo's: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/247135098274257096/ }


I'm not leaning towards and one. I think I'll just decided one I see them drawn out and then decide. Feel free to cast your vote or grab one of my ideas for yourself. I think these are all cute and would be awesome placed anywhere. 

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

hopefull

Dear Lovelies;

Today I take my third first pregnancy test since my IUI. I have to admit that I took one on the 2nd because I was hoping to share the Superbowl with the pregnancy announcement. I bought a new test today that wasn't digital and had to test one out today. Both of the tests that I have taken have been too early and negative. Which leaves me to the remainder of this post. Now this could be the part where you exit and go to another blog. I mean it's not cool listening to a women cry about her failed fertility treatment round. BUT since I am the author of this blog I get to write my feelings and share them with the world. #sorrynotsorry

I shared my feelings about follistim treatments and my thoughts on exhaustion. So here is the real skinny because ladies I am stretching for sanity and advice.  The first couple of days after my IUI I felt as if someone was blowing bubbles in my uterus. It was weird! Then it went away ~ nothing happened for a few days. Then I started getting mild cramps.. they interchange between the left, right and center. Then the lower back pain started.. just like you would get before your period. That has lasted for a while; meaning my back is still hurting. My boobs started hurting (which is why I got really excited) but sadly went away a couple of days ago. I should also mention that I am taking endometrin.

Now I am here hoping and praying that I don't have to float through life before trying another treatment in May. I'm in constant prayers that a miracle happens and I see a faint pink line on that pregnancy test Thursday morning. But I have questions to other women who have gone through fertility treatments. I keep reading and hearing that it's too early to test. That a pee test wont show a positive until I've reached four weeks.. one period to one period. The fact that I will be testing two weeks.. 14 days later. I googled different pregnancy tests because I was worried that my digital test was the wrong one. I read that First Response was the second best test to take & that they recommended at least 19 days before testing.

Has anyone, who has gone through fertility treatments, had issues with getting a positive through 'at home' pregnancy test? I'm wondering if I should ask the Dr for a blood test. These cramps aren't normal and neither is the back pain... then again I used different meds this round. I dunno. My husband is convinced that I am pregnant and so Abby. I just don't want to get my hopes up and then it be a negative. I also don't want to be ok with a negative now if it is a positive.

Here is to hoping... otherwise I'll be drinking and heading back to the gym after Valentines Day!