Wednesday, May 28, 2014

A new Laptop

While sitting on the couch Friday I was eager to plug in my iPhone to the laptop. A friend of mine requested some photo's of our family to put on his wall at his new house. I quickly got the laptop and opened it.. pressed the power button and nothing happened. I did it again. Then I go the charger and thought 'hmm maybe I didn't charge it'... nothing happened. A complete black screen.

3..2..1.. freak out.

My whole life is on that laptop. All my pictures, all my songs, all my videos.. everything. There was a moment when I felt as if my brain exploded. It's it weird how we get so wrapped up in technology isn't it? Ever get a shriek of panic when you can't find a iPhone?? I mean seriously it's got you bank info, your passwords, your music, your photo's... yea it's a big deal.

So there I was panicking about my wedding photos, my dog's pictures, everything.. all gone. When my husband calmly looks over at me and says.. "wanna a new one?  Relax, we have Geek Squad." Haha. Geek Squad.. yes!! We pay them $19 a month so that when stuff like this happens it's all secure!

Saturday morning we went to the NEX and then to BestBuy to look at laptops. All the cool new things they do .. it was hard to chose just one. I was between a Convertible Sony and A touchscreen Toshiba. I ended up with a .... drum roll.....

Toshiba - Satellite 15.6" Touch-Screen Laptop - Intel Core i5 - 8GB Memory - 750GB Hard Drive - Prestige Silver.
 
I couldn't be happier with my new baby! The windows 8 is a little hard to get used too but overall I'm really in love with the new laptop. I'm so glad that I didn't end up going with the Sony just because the screen moves and flips around. As much as I loved my old Toshiba this one is pretty cool.
 
 

Monday, May 26, 2014

Memorial Day

Memorial Day: 
US Federal holiday wherein the men and women died while serving in the United States Armed Forces are remembered.



Friday, May 23, 2014

Orders.

Orders.
It's the single most terrifying and thrilling word in a Military home.
It could mean a couple more years with friends you've made in a place you are semi familiar with or it could mean that you & your family will be starting over................ again.

My husband picks new orders next month. He keeps checking for open billets and so far there is nothing in San Diego for his rate open. I'm terrified. I know that since we bought a house the chances of us leaving are slim which means.. that if he does get out of state or oversea's orders it will be unaccompanied. Meaning.. alone. He will go to a new place by himself without me and leave me here to keep up the house he bought in his absence.

Sounds cold doesn't it? I mean what wife wants to be left behind? Certainly none that I know. Maybe because I'm taking it so damn personal or maybe because a house in an object that can be left behind. Maybe I know my husband enough to know that he has been talking about orders to Japan for a while now.. so if he got unaccompanied orders there I wouldn't be surprised at all. I'm actually expected in.. anything else would shock me.. honestly.

As a Military Spouse you want to encourage your spouse. You want them to excel. Excelling means better housing, better pay and more time home. Of course those are the unwritten codes.. along with keep quiet and neat. Don't cause a fuss in FRG meetings. Try to make friends with wives from the command. Oh and the biggest two, in my opinion, understand what your husband does & be able to explain or ask questions. Always be presentable not slutty but not too over done.

If it sounds like I'm not in love with my title, you are wrong. I'm angry at the man who gave me that title because he is telling me that he will pick orders far, far away and I can't seem to not take that personally. Sure I can run this house, I can maintain the yard, I can carry on with my life in his absence for the next two years. (assuming he'll get Japan orders) Does it mean I'm happy about it? Hell no. We promise to love the man not he uniform.. but sometimes they are one in the same. Sometimes our soldiers don't leave work at the curb. Sometimes it's hard for them to 'transition' back into home life. And sometimes before a change our soldier shuts us out and we feel alone before they even pack a bag or leave.

People want to sugar coat this lifestyle. They wanna tell you that we got awesome benefits, and other families have picnics on the weekend and all the kids play together. They wanna advertise a strong united couple who are ready to face anything that may come between them. In a weird way it's not a lie but it's not the truth. They don't tell you that during his career you will be alone most of the time, that friends are hard to make, that you make the best friends apx 6 months before you, or they, PCS. Oh the chances of you finding a job as a spouse are also slim.

Again I wouldn't trade it for a moment because I'm married to the most amazing man. I love that he serves his country and I love that I get to be in the position to help him. There are just times when I feel like we aren't given all the information on what to expect as a Military Spouse. I'm also very angry right now but I promise that I love being a military spouse it's just really hard at times.

Feel free to talk to me about this post on facebook.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Sewing



I love making blankets.
I love creating something for a friends birthday & especially a baby.
Currently I am making a couple for the bestie and her baby boy - who is still in the oven.
The theme for her baby is Texas Longhorns. Since I'm a die hard Aggie fan this has been a very challenging project. It also shows how much I love my bestie & her baby boy.
I've also made her a car seat canopy & burp cloths. Hopefully I can get all of this done before her baby shower so I've really gotta stop procrastinating.




All my blankets have a pattern. I buy the fabric
first then I cut all the squares to either a 4x4 or a 5x5 - then I build my pattern. Depending on the gender of the child, nursery design and how well I know the parents depends on how fancy I get.
Some are just a plain pattern and some are really creative and different for me.. like this one. It was my first wrap around pattern that I'd ever done with a ruffle edge.

If I really know the couple then I'll try something new - like a different border or different backing. It also depends on how bold I get with colors because I try to stay in the pastel family for baby blankets.


(There two creations are currently my latest and my favorites).

As my husband talks more and more about going back to sea and we start preparing for a deployment I look for blankets. Usually before a deployment I pick three focus points. Since I don't have kiddo's yet I usually pick crazy stuff like weight loss (gym membership) and seeing every movie that comes out for the duration of the deployment. This is where my pinterest account become amazing! I can store all my future ideas to make during deployment.. here! I'm gonna try and make sheet sets with pillow cases, some throw pillows for the bedroom and living room, and possibly some clothes. 




I'm really excited to make the ruffle shower curtain.. I want to make one for all year, one for Fourth of July and one for Christmas. I mean I gotta cover my two favorite holidays! Since I keep hearing it's super easy to make then I should be able to make three for the guest bathroom.. right?

The fourth of July and Christmas would be easy to pull off! It might be really cute! Then you just buy a set or two of towels and tada! you have made your own decorations.

Okay way off topic here.. my point is that I guess preparing for a deployment is similar to 'nesting'. Even though we don't pick orders until next month - I'm starting to prepare myself. 
I'll have to share all the besties blankets after they are all done. Despite the "Longhorn" crap - this has honestly been my favorite blanket set that I've created. I can't wait to show off the Car seat canopy either.. it's awesome! 

If you make blankets too please let me know! I love seeing creations and I love getting ideas from other people! 

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

boring ole Tuesday

Nothing new to report for this week. My weeks are usually the same - which is why I call us boring 'folk'. I got to PT twice a week, therapy once a week, and run an errand or two in between. Weekends are the same run of the mile events.. groceries, tv, naps.. nothing exciting.This week I've got an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon to talk about my leg. Since they have not had to start tapping my foot, because it keeps going numb, I'm hoping to find something out soon. I've not had an MRI yet so I'm praying they do that this week too.. I mean you can't surgery if you don't really know what's wrong. I'm going to see my girlfriend today.. I go see her about once a month. It's a nice little getaway for me and we have our little routine.. it's relaxing.

Nothing new has really happened. My life is, literally, on hold until I find out more about my leg. I'm holding off on buying Dierks Bentley & Rascal Flatts tickets until I hear when surgery is.

I'd love to be more in touch with you guys. I invite you to follow me on the blogs facebook page. Please let me know you are a blog follower/reader and I'll make sure to follow you back! I love hearing feedback on what you guys enjoy reading about and want me to share more of.

Hope everyone is having a good week so far!

Monday, May 19, 2014

weekend recap

We aren't very interesting folk.. but we did have some big moments this past week/weekend that I'd like to share with y'all.

Last Thursday we were blessed to have central heat & air installed in our home. The company is coming back this week to replace some duct work and some vents. Otherwise we are already up and running. The house feels amazing! We used Precision heating and air - I highly recommend this company! The owner, Eddie, is super friendly & personal .. he taught us so much about what they were doing and why. His guys were also very friendly and professional! Victor, the head guy, even made sure to schedule 'breaks' every two hours to let the dogs go out and potty.

Friday night I talked the hubby into going and buying his dream car! We went to two different dealerships and have night n day experiences. The first dealership was rude, our salesman just ditched us and the manager kept telling my husband "you're never gotta get everything you want". We left and headed to Midway Jeep the salesman "Charlie" went out of his way to find the hubby's car! After we gave over our wish list, the salesman was able to find the vehicle in their 'extra' lot and drove us right to it. We weren't able to get a 'sun roof' like he wanted but he got everything else he asked for in his new 2014 Dodge Dart GT.

Saturday afternoon I went and got my Riser tattoo that I talked about here. I debated on putting a color in it or giving it an outline color .. but I really just liked it being the way I had it. So far a couple of people have suggested that I get it colored in or add more too it.. but it's my tattoo and I don't want to alter it's meaning to me. That being said.. I just got the outline of the "thunderbird" between my shoulder blade. {It's not a great picture but you get the point}

I love it. I think it's symbolic meaning (to me) and the fact that it seems to be 'guiding' me makes it perfect. I think adding a color around or in it would change it's meaning.. and well like I said I love it.

Those are three big events for us.. AC, a new car and my second tattoo.

How was your weekend? Let me know you dropped by so I can return the favor.




Thursday, May 15, 2014

help wanted.

I'm thinking about my days after knee surgery and preparing while I can. I need to just get a couple of things out of the way so I can just go with the flow and to make me feel at ease a little more. 

1. I want comfy pants to wear while i heal. Chances are I'm going to end up with the adidas snap pants.. see!

BUT I already found some cute shorts/pants at Victoria Secret today. I know I know .. yes I'm addicted to VS 

I want these bootcut fleece pants but the hubby thinks they'll be too hot for the summer.

So I asked for these and he still said no:

I think I'm just gonna order them and deal with that later. 

2. I want to hire a house keeper. 
I want someone to just dust and mop the floors in the front of the house... possibly vaccum my room. Nothing crazy difficult or anything. I mean it's not that crazy of a suggestion since i'll be on my butt for six weeks.. right?
I've actually gotten the OK from the hubby on this one. 
Now I just gotta find someone I trust to clean my house while I'm drugged.


3. Well I already got #3. 
We are getting central AC/heat put into the house next week. If you are going to lay around all summer might as well be comfortable too... right? 

4. mini frig
Ok now I'm just being upsurd but seriously I'd love to find a mini frig to put next to my side of the bed so I have a couple of comforts and don't have to rely on anyone. I have a bathroom, my bed, all the electronics, a tv... and well a mini frig would go nicely with my new fleece pants. 

Oh man things I'd never thought I'd do.. hire a housekeeper and ask for a mini frig. I mean the AC thing has been a while coming and well I never pass up an excuse to shop at VS. 



Wednesday, May 14, 2014

I'm a Riser


Getting this tattoo on Saturday! Super stoked! 

The tattoo idea came from Dierks Bentley's "Riser" song/album. 
I think the "Riser" song is very fitting to my life & I'd like to express that I have risen above the challenges I've been given. Although I'm not done facing all the challenges, like fertility, this symbolizes that I'm not a quitter but a fighter. 

I'm excited.

Here's the emotional song that inspired the tattoo...

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Imma B Okay


I have a lot on my mind. It's mostly about my knee. 
I'm having a really hard time with all of this. 

I apologize for continuing to talk about the same stuff. 
It's just a lot for me. 

Thank you all for understanding & being patient with me.



Wednesday, May 7, 2014

words.

Words do hurt. Words hurt more than people realize or want to admit. Some people try to be really delicate with fertility stuff. Some don't.

I've been told "Maybe it's just not the right time". "It will happen when it's the right time". "Have you thought about adoption?" "What happens when you go through all of this and still don't have a baby?" "How much longer are you going to try?" "Are you two comfortable having a 'no sex' baby?" "Are you sure it's Gods will to create a child in a pastry dish?" If God wanted you to have a baby don't ya think you'd get pregnant without Drs?"

lately more hurtful words have come from people close to me.. ok well one person...

"I wish I could give you my 'used' uterus.. I'll never use it again". "I've had my two - I wish I could just donate my uterus to you". "I wish I could have your babies for you". "I have two you can just have one of mine". "Do you think I could donate my eggs to you?" ... and the newest and most hurtful one of all.... "My friend was told that she couldn't have babies.. then she found out she had cancer. After her cancer treatments she got pregnant! Now she has two kids.. maybe you should get cancer".

*****
I don't have a bad uterus! I've thought about adoption but want to exahust all my fertility options. I don't want someones kid.. I want mine. I don't need different eggs.. as far as we know mine work fine. Yes we are find with a 'no sex baby'. I'm going to try as long as they will let me try - which is either at the end of three IVF's now. I'm perfectly find with creating a baby in 'a pastry dish' - it's my egg and his sperm.  If I do all this and end up with out a baby - at least I'll know that I did all that I could to make my dream happen. When that road ends we, my husband & I, will agree on the right way to go.
I dont' need another  cancer scare and I don't want to get cancer to have a baby.

******
While I respect everyone's right to have kids and while I respect everyone's decision on how they  raise their kids. I don't feel it's right to cast judgement on my fertility adventure.. I just don't. I don't stand out and picket abortion clinic, adoption offices or State Family Care centers. I don't knock on doors of houses of people who had their kids taken away. I don't raise judgement for parents who's kids are in foster care. I don't wonder what the parent did wrong when their child is born with a disability. We all handle the road we are given differently - it makes us unique. I don't feel that anyone has the right to judge me for my choices.   Maybe I walk this path to help others. Maybe because I've walked this path I'll adore my child more then a sixteen year old would - but then again that is judgemental.

I'm tired of being nice and holding my tongue when people say such outladish remarks. It's none of anyone's buisness to judge how I choose to live my life. If you don't like it then you have the option to walk away.

Rant ended.

Just remember that words hurt and just because we don't understand someone's path doesn't mean we have to judge them for how they choose to walk it.


Tuesday, May 6, 2014

IUI vs IVF

Ok ok. I know some of you are just like "seriously!" but this is huge to me. It's not a sympathy trip or a poor me kinda thing.. it's a "i really don't know what to do". Blogging helps me sometimes because I can write it all down and think about it.

IUI: The artificial inseminations are working as far as producing the eggs to be ready to be fertilized. The meds they are giving me are producing up to 5 eggs to be fertilized. The husbands sperm count is still a little low to them but is gradually going back up. It's after the insemination takes place we don't know what is happening. We don't if the sperm isn't strong enough to penetrate the egg(s), we don't know if the egg is beating off the sperm, and we don't even know if the sperm are going to the egg.

After the insemination you wait two l o n g weeks to see if the process works. Because you have taken the HCG hormone your body creates fake pregnancy symptoms until it leaves your body {which is 10 days}. After that ten days whatever symptoms you have can, or not be, actual pregnancy symptoms.

Once you period comes there isn't a explanation on why it didn't work. It's just a 'you can try again in three months". For me it's agonizing to not have a reason why the conception isn't taking place. To do all the weird and crazy things I do during treatments and to not have a reason it didn't work. Not to mention that we pump ourselves full of hormones, drugs, vitamins and hope.

IVF:
Since I've never actually done an IVF round I have no idea what to expect personally. Although I've heard and read various articles - i can only give you generalizations. I know they give you hormones and meds to produce eggs. I know they do an egg retrieval that is 'surgery'. I know the day of the retrieval they need a sperm drop off. I know that while you recover they put the sperm & egg together in a pastry dish to watch them grow. I know that by the time you recover from the retrieval they put the egg/sperm back into your uterus. After that I believe it's back to a two week wait to see if your body took the embryo planted into you.

It's a long and different process. It's scary to me because it's different.

I think it's worth all the money if they can figure out why the egg and sperm aren't joining together. Even if we have to prepare to do this twice; it will be worth it if they can find an answer. That's all I want.. an answer.

At the end of the day, knee surgery aside, I think I've agreed to skip the IUI round. Not knowing why we aren't getting pregnant and waiting to just hear "i don't know" just isn't enough anymore. This fertility stuff ends for me very soon & I would like to at least have a medical reason or explanation on why things aren't working for us. I may end all of this and not have a baby to show for it.. but I'd like to know that I tried all that I can.

Monday, May 5, 2014

my next move.

It's been a long weekend.

I've tried to stay to myself as much as possible. I just have a lot going through my head and I need to make some decisions now. I keep hearing that I don't but I know myself and I need to make them now before I get tempted to go down a different path.

Our Dr's office has informed us that we have one more IUI to do. In July we sit down and talk all about Invitro and then we can actually do our IVF in August/September. Along with the baby stuff I will need to have knee surgery. It will take six weeks before I can walk on it and about six months to be able to function normally.

I'm debating on skipping the next IUI and focus on my knee surgery. I don't see the knee Dr until the 21st of May. By the time I do get this surgery it will be time to sit down about the IVF. I'm hoping that if I can do the surgery by June then I'll get to do the IVF in August - it will have given me six weeks to heal. It seems so far apart but really they re going to battle each other to the finish line. If I'm not able to stand now without being in pain how can I stand on my knee pregnant? I'll be miserable! I can't do surgery while I'm pregnant and recuperate {I've asked} because you can't take anything but Tylenol - the pain could add to much stress to my body & pregnancy.

It's just a big tornado in my head. These two things just swirlin' around in front of me. I feel like no matter what I choose it's wrong. If I skip the next IUI is it giving up? Is it needing a break? What if the next one works and don't have to do the IVF? Everytime I ask the husband he says it's my decision and my decision alone. But if I go ahead and do the IUI and get pregnant my knee will steal the show by being in pain all the time. I'll have physical therapy, not be able to take any pain meds, and do it all while I'm preggo. That's not how I thought I'd celebrate my first pregnancy.

I know nobody can give me the answer. I know that this is my choice. It's just so much at once. I mean they can't make it easier by saying "Oh you wont do IVF until Oct and by the time your knee surgery gets here it will be after Christmas". Nope.. they've {the universal throw it at ya committee} just got to pile it on all at once. BAH!!

I'll figure it out. I know the importance of both options. I know that my health and knee is very important. I also know that the first IVF could just inform us on what's wrong and why we aren't conceiving. I know that if I follow the Dr's advice and strengthen my calf and thigh my healing process with go faster. I also know that if I don't strengthen that thigh muscle they wont do the surgery.

Thanks for listening to me. I'm sure one day I'll laugh at this post. Right now these are huge decisions in my path.. I know I'll make the right one.

Friday, May 2, 2014

False Hope

My blog has mainly been used to document my fertility trials. Keeping this last round a secret has been so hard. I think for me I needed to keep it secret, I needed to keep in close within my circle of trust. I get so deflated every time I do a treatment and it fails. Staying positive or hopeful gets harder and harder with each fail. I used acupuncture to help with my treatment this past month. I thought it was going to be my golden ticket. I'm glad I'm not a gambler because I would have lost betting on the success of using the Chinese method to help me conceive.

We have had so much going on that I didn't realize I'd gone over my two week wait. Crazy I know. The fumigation, Stagecoach, a homecoming... I mean it's been busy around here. With my bestie being pregnant I've made myself busy in creating blankets and other masterpieces for her peanut. Then you throw in my knee injury stuff and you can see why I've been so scatter brained. I feel like every time I allow myself to get excited or grant a little bit of hope .. it gets slapped in my face. I'm running out of faith.

I called my Dr because I ran out of progesterone and he said I needed to take a pregnancy test before he ordered more because I should have started my period already. I got freaked out that I lost track of the weeks and went and bought some tests. What started with 'a' box of three ended with me buying two more boxes.. total of 9 tests. I took five. Three came back positive and two came back negative. My heart soared with hope and I went to get a blood test. The Dr's office called yesterday to tell me that my test was negative. If my period doesn't come over the weekend then I need to do another blood test. Our IUI was on the 15th so if I was pregnant it should pop on their test. My heart sank. I could barely hear the rest of her words through the phone. It was if I was suddenly a million miles away hearing that I got three false positives.


Pic 1: second test. Comparing a unused test to the taken test. You can see a faint positive line.
Pic 2: third & fourth test. The top is an EPT and the bottom is a Early response. You can see the faint positive in the test on the bottom.

the one to the left is the first pregnancy test I took. As you can see the + is almost there. Which is why I took tests 2-4.
{EPT}
At the Dr's office the nurse told me to go buy a 'pink' lined test instead of all the blue ones. Those were the most accurate to take.. so I did.
I only got one line. I was confussed because after getting so many positives i couldn't understand why this one showed a negative. My GF swore she could see a line so we put it in a filter to see it better.. I don't see it. Anyway showing all these pictures just elaborates on my frustration and the biggest false hope imaginable.

Right now because I'm so frustrated I'm debating on skipping the next IUI and waiting on IVF this August. IVF isn't something I ever planned on doing so it's a big step for me to comprehend. I dont' have anything against the procedure, it's just a lot to take in. I'm just convinced that we aren't going to get pregnant by doing the same IUI's over and over again. It's insane.

I guess I still have a glimmer of hope that my period wont come and that I'll have to retake the blood test. Secretly hoping that I magically get a positive and this is all just a huge misunderstanding because it's so early. It's extremely early. It just gets harder and harder to stay positive when every time it's a negative. It's hard. Infertility is a hard road.