Monday, March 23, 2015

I'm not perfect.

I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes and I've lost my way a time or two. I've been so angry that I've turned my back on God, family and friends. I have done and said things that I wish I could take back. I've talked shit about someone behind their back and acted like a friend to their face. I've told a lie. I've even used the lords name in vain a dozen times or so. I've invested in a friendship that wasn't healthy and I've fought to keep a relationship that wasn't good for me. I have even gotten married and then got divorced six years later. I have lived with a man I wasn't married too more then once.
I look back at all the things I have done and I'm thankful that I have done them all. Why? Because they have made me the person that I am today. All those moments that I had to make a choice and I choose the wrong way - have taught me a lesson. I have gone down the wrong path just to find the long way back to the right road. I don't have regrets. Ok well maybe a couple.. like letting a friendship go that I shouldn't have.

I believe that as we grow we learn. I'm not the same person I was when I was 23 and I wont be the person I am today at 43. I'm not ashamed of my past because it brought me to where I am right now.
I believe that when we say we have forgiven someone that that person & I start over on a clean slate. The past has been erased and it's starts a new. I believe that people can change. I believe that everyone makes a mistake and that everyone has a bad day. I believe that our opinions and views get in the way of really listening to what others have to say. I believe that we are all individually different, no matter how many things we have in common. I believe that we aren't meant to judge people by the way that they live, who they marry or what color their skin is. I believe that we should reserve judgement on others, no matter how hard that is, and treat people as we would want to be treated. I believe in karma and fate. I believe that the right thing to do isn't the easiest and the easiest isn't always right. I believe that you can have a relationship with God and not be at church all the time.

I lived a life where I felt unwanted and misunderstood. That no matter what I said or did I was wrong. I have been a home where there was no love but full of anger and judgement. I was raised in a home where you have to believe the same as everyone else or you were a sinner. I think religion is a individually based thing. The way that I receive the message or scripture isn't the same way that you might. That doesn't make me wrong or you wrong.. it makes us different. I also think that the road I took growing up IS the road that I was meant to take because it made me who I am today.

I hope and I pray that I can raise my children to be fair and to listen. I hope they are open and understanding to others differences in opinions and way of living. I hope that they don't see things so black and white. I hope my kids stand up for themselves and in what they believe in. I hope my children makes mistakes and they learn from them. I hope and I pray that I fill my children's lives with unconditional love and respect. I hope and I pray that I give my children the complete opposite upbringing that I received. I hope that my kids are just as respectful to animals as they are to people. I hope that I teach my children to look for all the information and then make decisions for themselves.

I have so many fears of being a parent. Knowing that we will all have ups and down. That I will learn as I go and I will make mistakes. I just hope that I can admit when I've made a mistake.

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