Monday, June 29, 2015

it's a grieving thing.

So Saturday marked the two week point in which Grizzly has been gone. I would like to think that for the most part I've handled this very well but I'm sure my husband would answer differently.
I haven't disturbed or altered his food/water bowls or his bed(s). I did remove his car seat, harness', collar & leash .. I put them all in a box. His absence to me is deafening but I don't walk around crying anymore. I'm not looking for excuses to leave the house either like I was at first. I haven't yelled out his name when calling the dogs in like I thought I would either.

I did make a shutterfly book with all his pictures in them & made it kinda a story book. I wanted to commemorate his memory in a special way but I can't flip through the book without balling my eyes out. I did make a shelf just for him in our room. I put his pine box - with the ID tag they gave us on it, the shutterfly book, his paw print & lock of hair. I ordered a girl willowtree figurine holding a orange puppy & put it on the shelf as well. All in all I feel that these are semi things to do for someone who loses their best friend... right??

I know that someone reading this is thinking "It was just a DOG!" but Grizzly was So much more to me. Plus you add that I'm a very very sentimental person & it all kind makes a little more sense.
Anyway last night I scared my whole entire house to death & I guess I'm sharing this because it stunned me too.

{Grizzly sleeping in my spot on the bed}

As I said above I haven't disturbed his bed(s) at all. They still have blankets, pillows.. toys in them like before. So while getting ready for bed I set my glass of (red flavored) water on the nightstand. I was joking with my husband about something silly. I reached over to grab my Kindle to read a chapter or two before I feel asleep & our charging station hit the glass knocking it over. To the left of the nightstand is Grizzly's nook - that had his bed & toys..etc. The red water went all over his stuffed animlas, all over the blankets, pillow and his doggy bed. I freaked out. I mean.. I started screaming like he just died all over again. I crumbled to the floor grabbing his toys to check to see if they were damaged. My {poor} husband just stood there watching me - all wide eyed. He went and got a towel for me but I used it to cover my face with & scream. It was the last unaltered thing I knew of in the house. It was the last thing I saw him in before died. I didn't realize how much 'weight' it carried until that moment.

The pillow is ruined & the pillow case too - which sent me into another crying fit. Half of his 'babies' were soaked & needed to be washed. I didn't want to wash his smell away or alter these items in any way. I think I set sobbing for a good 20 minutes before realizing that my husband, our great dane & our cats were looking at me in shock. They didn't know what to do. For the most part I have cried to myself.. mostly in my car.. I haven't done the whole messy sobbing ugly cry yet. I mostly just allowed alligator tears to fall down my face.. so I think it was a shock to all of them that I lost it.

As I calmed down I realized that I have so much built up for so long that I needed that cry. While I'm sad that his stuff has to be washed or thrown away - it was a good thing. I think it was the right movement to cause the avalanche & it felt good. I miss my little man more then anything but I think the ugly cry was more then just the disturbance of his stuff.
Grief is a funny thing. It's the off the wall things that hit you & make you sad. My Dad's been gone for over 8 years & I still have these moments about him. Not as often as I used too but every once in a while a memory will strike and I'll feel the need to shed a couple of tears

In closing i wanted to share something that I wrote in Grizzly's shutterfly book:

Thank you all for allowing me to grieve without judgment. This has been very hard for me & it could be magnified by my pregnancy hormones. In any case.. Thank you. 

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