I haven't disturbed or altered his food/water bowls or his bed(s). I did remove his car seat, harness', collar & leash .. I put them all in a box. His absence to me is deafening but I don't walk around crying anymore. I'm not looking for excuses to leave the house either like I was at first. I haven't yelled out his name when calling the dogs in like I thought I would either.
I did make a shutterfly book with all his pictures in them & made it kinda a story book. I wanted to commemorate his memory in a special way but I can't flip through the book without balling my eyes out. I did make a shelf just for him in our room. I put his pine box - with the ID tag they gave us on it, the shutterfly book, his paw print & lock of hair. I ordered a girl willowtree figurine holding a orange puppy & put it on the shelf as well. All in all I feel that these are semi things to do for someone who loses their best friend... right??
I know that someone reading this is thinking "It was just a DOG!" but Grizzly was So much more to me. Plus you add that I'm a very very sentimental person & it all kind makes a little more sense.
Anyway last night I scared my whole entire house to death & I guess I'm sharing this because it stunned me too.
{Grizzly sleeping in my spot on the bed}
The pillow is ruined & the pillow case too - which sent me into another crying fit. Half of his 'babies' were soaked & needed to be washed. I didn't want to wash his smell away or alter these items in any way. I think I set sobbing for a good 20 minutes before realizing that my husband, our great dane & our cats were looking at me in shock. They didn't know what to do. For the most part I have cried to myself.. mostly in my car.. I haven't done the whole messy sobbing ugly cry yet. I mostly just allowed alligator tears to fall down my face.. so I think it was a shock to all of them that I lost it.
As I calmed down I realized that I have so much built up for so long that I needed that cry. While I'm sad that his stuff has to be washed or thrown away - it was a good thing. I think it was the right movement to cause the avalanche & it felt good. I miss my little man more then anything but I think the ugly cry was more then just the disturbance of his stuff.
Grief is a funny thing. It's the off the wall things that hit you & make you sad. My Dad's been gone for over 8 years & I still have these moments about him. Not as often as I used too but every once in a while a memory will strike and I'll feel the need to shed a couple of tears
In closing i wanted to share something that I wrote in Grizzly's shutterfly book:
Thank you all for allowing me to grieve without judgment. This has been very hard for me & it could be magnified by my pregnancy hormones. In any case.. Thank you.
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