Monday, June 15, 2015

saying goodbye

Over the weekend I lost my furry baby boy. It's all a whirlwind of tears and shock.
I wrote about how he was diagnosed with liver failure & that I was at the appoinment to see what stage he had. What I didn't update was that he didn't have liver failure.. he had hepatitis - which means he had a liver infection. I spent the next two days getting his medicine's & setting a chart for times he needed his meds. Within hours of receiving the amoxocilin he was back to his old self. 

Friday was a busy day for the hubby & I. His last weekly day of leave & we decided to make a full day of it. We took both the dogs to the vet - Gideon needed some shots and a follow up on his hurt paw. (Which they ended up finding a foxtail buried in his paw!! They had to extract the foxtail and give him antibiotics.) Grizzly, joyfully, went along for the ride. 

We dropped off the pups at the house and headed to the commissary to pick up a couple of items. I bought the book shelf I wanted for the babies room & we came home to put it all together. Grizzly set near me watching me put the shelf together and even followed me around as I put items on the shelf. I took pictures of the 'almost' finished nursery & my hubby thought it would be cute to put Grizzly in the baby bed. Grizzly grinned from ear to ear sitting in the baby bed & looking back I wish I had gotten a picture of it. As the night progressed my back started to hurt so I took a bath and then went to lay in bed with a heating pad. Grizzly was next to me the whole time. We took our night time medicine.. my hubby brought him a 'biscuit' before bed and that was a normal bed routine for us.

I have a cough and sore throat.. so I took some medicine to help me sleep. Grizzly was also up most of the night coughing. At 2am I got up to check on him because his coughing had gotten louder and more persistent. I gave him his cough medicine, rubbed his throat and feet and we went back to bed. At 3:30 I woke up to Gideon nugging me between the shoulder blades & found Grizzly in the bathtub barely breathing. I woke up my husband and I drove to the animal ER. We had called ahead of time and they were waiting for us.. they took him from my husbands arms & took him to the back. 
Had I had known that was the last time I would have seen him or heald him. there are so many things I would have done differently. I would have told him that I loved him one more time, I would have held his little furry body close to mine one last time.  I feel so guilty for just handing him off & starting to fill out paperwork.. I never looked back... not once. He was such a fighter that I didn't even consider the possibility that we had reached the end.
Apx ten minutes later they called us to a room to inform us that Grizzly's trachea had collapsed and there was little they could do. They had given him a sedative to help him breath and put in him a oxygen tank but he was still really struggling. They needed him to calm down but he was really worked up & they explained that he wouldn't get better. They could have done x-rays and taken blood but it wouldn't help him breath. He would need oxygen to survive but they didn't know if they took him out of the 'tank' ( a day or two latter) if he would survive. The hubby went back to see him & said that he was so out of that he didn't even recognize him standing there. 

With all the information and with hearing how he was grasping for breaths & that they could now hear fluid in his lungs - I did the hardest thing I've ever done. I signed a paper ending my babies life. I couldn't let him suffer and I knew he was hurting. they couldn't tell me that he would survive and I couldn't be selfish and make him live a couple more hours because I wasn't ready to let go. I couldn't see him because my heart was breaking & I didn't want my last image of him in that cage with tubes and him being so out of it. I wanted to remember my little guy as I had just hours before.. curled up next to me enjoying his biscuit - giving sweet kisses and cuddles. 

Grizzly was born Jan 16th, 2003. He was spoiled from the beginning. I treated him like a 'real' child. I often told people that Grizzly was my child but Gideon was my dog. I talked to Grizzly all the time - made up songs with his name in them. I sit here today lost. I don't have my shadow anymore. I told my husband last night that it's as if all the 'joy' in our house is gone. We are just going through the motions.. no laughing, no talking, nobody getting excited. Grizzly brought so much joy to so many people's lives. We had a list of people to call & let them know that Grizzly had passed .. he touched so many lives. I'm so proud that he was my baby & that I was blessed that he was in my life. This empty void that has taken over my heart will be filled again with time.. but man does it hurt now. For 13 years he has been by my side.. and it's so foreign to not wake up to his smile. To not hear his bark, to not see that sweet little furry face and knowing I can't call him to cuddle or nap with me. 

So I share with you all that I lost my bestfriend - my companion - my protector. I lost a lot of joy and happiness and I'm so thankful that he was in my life. That he taught me how to love and how to smile. How to be silly, he taught me when to fight and when to let go. 

Grizzly will always be loved & remembered as long as I live. 
So to my dear baby.. I love you so much Grizzly bears.
My life was a thousand times better because of you. 
01.16.2003 - 06.13.2015

4 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. There is something so pure and innocent about the love of a furbaby. They touch you in a way that few humans can. (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree! I'm starting to think I'm that person who likes animals more then people. At least animals are genuine souls. Thank you. <3, amy

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. Thank you Allie - each day seems to be easier but I miss him SO very much! <3, Amy

      Delete