Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Write or Die Wednesday: Understanding Pain

It's Wednesday and I'm joining
Mia from The Chronicles of Chaos 
Vashelle from Shelly's Cabaret
for the bi-weekly link up:

Write or Die Wednesdays

This weeks' writing prompt is a pretty awesome topic, IMO. 

There are tons of quotes about learning from pain and one of my favorites just happens to be:
"We can not learn without pain" 'Aristotle' 

We all face painful situations that force us to grow - death, loss of a friend, loss of a job, graduating and leaving your friends, illness, divorce. We have so many of us have gone through some life changing event, that caused us a lot of pain, that now we can take as a life lesson. While I'd love to go on about this - I believe this writing prompt leads us into a different type of topic.
There are some things we will never understand until we are faced with them up close and personal. 
I never understood infertility or how it could affect your life & your relationships. I never understood the longing of wanting a child that I couldn't have, I never understood the constant heartache, and I never understood what it was like being on that side of the thousands of women who were plagued with not being able to have a child. I didn't understand this until I was diagnosed with PCOS.
Until I had a child I heard about the instant love of a child. I heard how no matter how your birth went you'd be eager to get pregnant again & forget all the negative stuff. I heard all the stories about women loving being pregnant and how they enjoyed feeling their baby move around. I also have read a lot of amazing birth stories shared through blog posts. I could never fully understand or crasp what people meant until I had my son. The love - instant unconditional - couldn't be explained until I held my son for the first time.
A good friend of ours - his Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of years ago. While we watched her battle cancer and go through those treatments - I couldn't understand what it was really like. We read up on the tests she had done & what chemo was like - but I can't say that I fully understand what she went through. She is a survivor, praise God! - and while reading up on everything helped me understand.. I'll, hopefully, never fully feel what she went through.
On a military wife level.
I never really understood the hardship of a deployment. The level of sacrafice our men and women give. Or the demand a deployment takes on our loved one. While I have always been very patriotic, I don't think I have fully understood what that meant until I married a service member. The insurance benefits make it seem like a glamorous life - and while it's not that different from a civilian family .. it is. It's not something you can really explain though. It's not something that people who don't live this life fully understand. "You knew he would deploy so why are you so sad?" You can't really answer that question and fully give a 100% answer until you are there and you know.
My point is..
 pain and situations change us. They mold us into the people we are meant to be. Reading a article or blog post doesn't make us understand completely. It helps us have more insight and maybe a greater version of empathy BUT until we go through these things first hand we can never really understand. There are a thousand situations I hope & pray that I never fully understand but that doesn't mean that  I look blindly the other way. I try to understand different situations and get as much knowledge as possible. With that being said I say again that I don't feel you can completely feel someone's pain until you go through it yourself.

That's what this prompt meant to me.. what does it mean to you?

Monday, July 27, 2015

Birth Story

June 10th, 2015
I went in for a regular OB appointment. Our 39 week mark & the week prior we had discussed that this appointment would center 'induction'. My OB took the whole month of July off & so I had a fill in - but she was in the OR so I had a OB I'd never met before see me. She did the normal questions, blood pressure and measuring. I was still 50% effaced & 1 cm dilated - a week later. She expressed to me that she thought the baby was too big & that I need to be induced right away. So much so that they wanted us to come back at 4 pm to be admitted. Considering nobody else had mentioned the size of the baby prior to this visit - I was very hesitant. I actually fought her on the topic because I was so close to my due date that I didn't understand the urgency. They gave us a couple of times & days to get started with the induction. The hubby & I agreed that on Saturday morning we would be admitted and start the process.
I left the visit feeling like something was wrong. Something she saw or heard didn't sit right & she was really pushing for a induction - and it scared me. I decided to keep the induction off of facebook & just prepare the house. We did laundry, went for a swim, cleaned the house but our nerves were just so jumbled. I didn't feel like we were doing the right thing & I wanted to call and cancel the appointment. I kept telling my husband that I was scared this meant I would have a c section & that really bothered me. We went to bed around 9pm but I don't think either one of us really slept.

June 11th, 2015
I got up, took a shower, put on makeup, rechecked all the bags.. and I was being a bitch. I was angry they were taking my baby, I was angry that I wasn't going to experience laboring at home like I wanted, and I was scared something was wrong. I snapped orders at my husband & kept myself busy to keep from crying. I felt like I was being cheated from this experience & I wanted to experience it all. My sweet husband went to Starbucks & got me my favorite drink.. he stayed very calm & even let me drive to the hospital. We didn't really say a word all the way there & I even thought about turning around a couple of times. At 9 am we were admitted to the Labor & Delivery area.. by 10 we had a room. The process was long. My body responded the meds .. well all but my cervix. My cervix wouldn't dilate. They gave me a pill to soften the cervix but that really didn't help. They then did a 'balloon' to dilate the cervix.. which was the most painful thing I had every experienced - up to that point. I went from 1 cm to 4 cm in less then 20 min. Around 9 pm I was 100% effaced and 4 cm dilated. That's when they started the Pitocin - this little IV drip that would help my contractions speed up & my cervix to dilate. Lets just say this was a very VERY long process. The more the meds didn't work the more certain I was that being induced had been a mistake. If this baby was ready then all the stars would align and I would progress more.

June 12th, 2015
At 5 am I had reached 6 cm dilation. I opted for the the epidural at this point and they assured me that the rest would come super fast. Being at 6 cm meant that you were in 'real' labor & your body usually dilated a cm an hour. Well by 1 pm the doctors started talking about different options to try. My body had again dilated but my cervix was no where near ready to have a baby - so they upped the pitocin. At 6 pm they broke my water to help the process speed up a little. I was numb, aggitated from being in bed so long & I was starving. I mean I was so hungry that I was getting angry. All they would allow me to have was apple juice and graham crackers. I was positive that this baby wasn't coming & that I would be in labor the whole next day. By 9m contractions really started to pick up & my cervix finally gave in. I was 100% effaced, dialted to a 7 & they talked me into napping while we waited. Good thing too because everything else happened so quickly!!

The time came to start pushing after 36 hours of labor. I tried to have this baby and pushed for two and half hours. Right as the babies head emerged the Dr came in to check on our progress. That's when everything changed.

The Dr told the nurse to go grab the other Dr, to grab the anesthesiologist, and they threw my husband this white suit. The Dr started telling me that my babies head was stuck in pelvic area. They told me that I couldn't push anymore & that they were going to have to do a c-section. The anesthesiologist appeared and started asking me questions about where I was numb from the epidural. The other Dr and her nurses appeared ... that's when I started to straight up panic. I couldn't calm down so they made me wear a oxygen mask. I started really getting worried something was wrong with the baby - plus my body was telling me to push and I couldn't. At this point I started asking people to "please make it stop hurting". I was calling out names and saying the same thing over and over again. They wheeled me back to the OR while I still begged them to "make it stop hurting". Once they moved me to the other bed I started to freak out even more. I was so sure that something was wrong with my baby & they weren't telling me. I also realized that my husband wasn't in the room like they promised which intensified my 'freak out'. The anesthesiologist tried 8 different medicines before using this rolling thing to see what was numb and what wasn't. I was so annoyed with that they were making me answer questions. I was in so much pain so I just started yelling at him to stop talking. {which is kind of funny now} The Dr started to cut my stomach & I could feel it. I started screaming that I could feel what they were doing & described how they just cut me. The next thing I knew they were replacing the oxygen mask with another mask and the room when white.

I woke up three hours later to find out that I had a 9lb 7 oz baby boy that was 21.5 inches long. My husband told me that the babies blood sugar was at a 24 & they wanted to take the baby to the NICU. He refused to allow them to take the baby until I woke up and got to hold him. He also refused to name the baby until I was able to see him. They moved me to a recovery room after I held my son & moved him to the NICU. We both stayed in the hospital until Thursday afternoon.

Now that we are home and we have had our son for almost two weeks - all the craziness seems unimportant. I'm so happy that he is healthy & home. As much as I loved being pregnant I love being a Mommy much more. My birth plan was thrown out the window Friday morning, which is what I expected to happen. {Mostly because nothing goes as plan & I don't see how someone could plan such an event as a birth.} Through all the scary moments I know I want to do this all over again but for right now we are going to simply enjoy this sweet angel.

That's our birth story!! Our son is here!!
Now to start sharing the next chapter of our story... being parents!

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Write or Die Wednesday: Uncomfortable

Write or Die Wednesdays

Linking up with
Mia from The Chronicles of Chaos
Vashelle from Shelly's Cabaret

Today's bi-weekly topic is:

At first I saw this and thought of what makes me annoyed.. you know those annoying things people do that make you wanna punch them in the face? Realizing it's "what makes me uncomfortable" well that's a whole different topic. 
What does 'uncomfortable' mean exactly? According to google it means:

Uncomfortable: "causing or feeling slight pain or physical discomfort"

Instead of a story I'll make more of a list of things that make me 'uncomfortable'.

~ crowds make me incredibly nervous. Especially at bars and malls.

~ arguments or confrontations of any kind. I'm not good at speaking my thoughts & I want to think about what you are saying instead of just spewing words at you. I usually walk away thinking of 'better' ways I could have said something or things I wish I had said in addition.

~cock roaches. They are disgusting and vile creatures. They will make me pass out if you force me to stay around a place that has them. They make me VERY uncomfortable.

~ I'm not comfortable with abuse of any kind.. but animal abuse makes me uncomfortable. If you can abuse a helpless creature that adores you.. how do you treat humans? Even outside of household pets.. if you can harm a whale or dolphin (for example) just for fun .. that makes me super nervous!

~more of an anxiety.. but water I can't see or feel the bottom of makes me freak out. I love the water but I like walking out in it or laying close to it.. but being in a boat in the middle of an ocean makes me super nervous & uncomfortable.

people who are super religious and use "in his name", "lord willing" or "praise god" in every post or comment make me uncomfortable. I'm religious but to me that's a bit overkill & it's unsettling. I'm super happy you are rockin' your faith but it's too much for me.

that's all i got ladies for this link up this week. Before I go I wanted to share:
We had our "SON" Sunday night {July 12th, 15}.
He is 9 lbs & 11oz and is 21.5 inches!

Friday, July 10, 2015

Fourth of July recap

Holy crap it's already Friday?! 
Where has the week gone?! 

I'm hoping you all had a wonderful 4th of July!!

My brother flew down with his girlfriend, A, for a couple of days.
We had a very busy couple of days celebrating and catching up. 
It was exhausting and wonderful all at the same time. 
Friday we spent the day at the beach 

side belly pic at the beach
followed that by an awesome shrimp boil!

picture of the crab boil contents before being cooked

I think we were all way to busy to take a picture after it was all cooked. It was so good - I haven't had a shrimp boil in a while.  5 pounds of shrimp didn't go as far as I thought it would. We invited a couple of mutual friends over to share the festivities and after the shrimp boil the boys ended up playing beer pong until almost 3 am!! 

On the Fourth we set around after breakfast with some of our friends who had stayed at our house.
Around 3 we all got dressed and ready to head to see the firework show. We have been going on base to see the show for the past four years. They offer kid games, food venders and three synchronized firework shows all by the water. 
Also known as the "big bay boom".

hubby & i before fireworks

Before heading to the firework show we stopped at "In / Out" so that "A" could have a Cali burger. I don't think it's that great and if you ask me it's not really worth pulling over for but when in Rome. We got to base & found our spot right by the water.
We ended up walking around and checking out the different vendors there & they had a snow cone truck - which made my night! Since my brother and husband both worked on this base we were able to share with "A" all the great memories we have collected on this base. 

the hubby & I before the firework show

At 9pm sharp the beautiful firework display started. 

After the show & sitting in traffic for an hour we ended up back at my house. They boys played another night of beer pong while all the ladies called it a night. 

The next day my brother & "A" were scheduled to fly out. We all got dressed and decided to doing some 'touring' stuff in Ocean Beach aka OB. Now.. if you are coming to visit me & Cali for the first time I highly recommend that we go to Coronado beach, Sea World, Shades - an amazing breakfast place off the beach in OB, and Hodad's. Hodad's is this little gem of a burger joint off the beach. There is usually a 20 min line outside the building to get a table but it's worth every second of it.. I promise! Oh I also have this thing were I take your picture as you take your first bite of Hodad's.. 

you're welcome "A"! 

After Hodad's on the beach we went into various shops & just walked around. "A" has this app that she called "GEOCACHING". Its' like a scavenger hunt for kids/adults that people do throughout your city. This app has a map and shows you were these little gems are - when you find them you sign the paper saying your were there & check in on the app. After that you head to the next one... I may not be explaining this right but it was a lot of fun! 
They do this all the time in WA & she got us all hooked on it here in CA. We got a couple of GEO spots while they were here.. we even visited one of the original GEO spots!  
So if you are looking for something to do with the kids this summer & you don't mind driving around.. check out the app. 
It's pretty cool.
{It's $10 for 3 months but there is a free version too}
Here is a link to help explain what this is that I'm talking about:

Before heading back to WA we all took a second to capture our fun day with pictures:

 So that was our amazing Fourth of July weekend in a nut shell. 
I hope you all had a great Fourth weekend too! I can't wait to go back and read some of your posts' - if I haven't already! 

Have a great week!! 

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Write or Die Wednesday: 'Music is MY Escape'

Joining the Write or Die bi-weekly link up again hosted by:
Vashelle @ Shelly's Cabaret

Write or Die Wednesdays

This little gem of a bi-weekly link-up gives me the ability to be creative with writing. Not all bloggers are all about journal entry posts & I love the creative thinking behind each topic!
If you haven't joined the fun yet -
What are you waiting for?

This bi-weekly prompt is:

Which I have named 
"Music is MY Escape"

The definition of music according to the dictionary is:
'an art of sound in time the expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony, and color'

Evelyn was drained. Drained emotionally, physically & mentally. She walked through her front door & dropped her gym bag on her tile floor. She thought a workout at the gym would help calm her thoughts, so she spent over an hour on the treadmill before hitting the free weights. Now her body just ached instead of reliving her crummy disposition. Heading into the kitchen she rubbed her forehead feeling a headache starting to form before reaching to let her long blond hair out of the ponytail she wore. Her life was out of sorts and she needed to find a way to put it all back together. Normally Evelyn would call her brother, William, to talk out the issue and together they would find a resolve, but he had just left for a 7 month deployment. It had been a while since he had left on a deployment and she had forgotten how lonely these next couple months could be.
She opened the refrigerator door to reach for a bottle of water but grabbed the wine instead. 'Maybe a glass of this moscato would clear my head a little' she thought as she poured a generous glass. Evelyn mindlessly swirled the light gold wine around in her glass staring into the abyss that was her kitchen. The sound of her iphone informing her of a text message made her jump back into the present. With a deep sigh she walked into the living room with her phone in one hand and her wine in the other and set her iphone in the docking station on her entertainment center. Walking to the couch she stepped out of her Nike's before sinking onto her cool brown leather couch. 'I should get a pet' she thought 'maybe this weekend I'll go down to the shelter and rescue a cat or dog.' After taking a generous swig of wine she leaned her head back against the couch cushion trying to force her mind to stop thinking. 

She turned on the flatscreen TV and changed the input to her iphone. Laying her head back against the cool leather the room came to life with songs from her playlist. The first song to play through her surround sound speakers with 'GDFR' by Flo Rida and her head started to bob to the beat. She took a swing of wine and enjoyed the flow of the bass & rhythm for the next 3 minutes. Jana Kramer's 'What I love about your love' filled the room next & Evelyn couldn't help swaying her head and tapping her feet to the song. The sexy voice of Dierks Bentley's 'Here She Comes' had her singing along and adding quite a bit of shoulder sway into the music. Before singing all Rhianna's parts in ' The Monster' she had drained her glass of wine. As she walked in to the kitchen to refill her glass she couldn't help but notice the beat in her step. As she poured her second glass of Moscato she was belting out the words to 'Good Girl' by Carrie Underwood. Putting the bottle back in the refirgerator she turned to head back into the living area before she realized that her grumbled thoughts and heavy feelings were gone. She even danced around her tile floors mouthing the words to Luke Bryan's 'Do I' before sitting back on the couch. Her mood had lifted and she couldn't remember why she was so frazzled earlier. Settling back into the cool cushion of the couch she allowed her mood to mellow as she hummed the words of 'Jar of Hearts' by Christian Perri. 

Evelyn allowed the music to sooth her soul and better her mood. With all the rush and bussle of the days she hadn't taken time to relax and just listen to the music. A couple of hours later she had taken a shower & washed all those negative thoughts and emotions away. Crawling into bed she sang 'Set Fire to the Rain' by Adele and then drifted off to the most restful sleep she had remembered in months. She had always heard that music healed the soul but had never experienced it first hand. 
As she woke to the new day her mood was lighter and brighter then it had been in weeks. Her co-workers had even noticed the difference & commented on her new disposition that morning before her shift started. Getting a cup of coffee in the break room Evelyn smiled and vowed that she would keep her music dates at least once a week. Believing in the power of music and it's healing process .


I couldn't find a ending to this short story that I really felt comfortable with but I hope you all understand. These are actual songs from my iphone that were playing on shuffle. The power of music of any genre.. even classical and relaxation.. can change ones mood 1,000 fold. Music is what I reach for during my darkest and bleakest hours. 

I hope you all enjoyed the bi-weekly link up & encourage you to join us for the next writing excersice - which you can find at   

Until then I hope I am hoping to have this baby & I also hope that everyone has a fantastic Fourth of July!!