Truth is.. I just want to finish a hot cup of coffee. I just want a moment to feel free and untangle this feeling of responsibility. I want an hour where I'm not thinking about schedules, laundry, dishes, meals, and cleaning. I'd love to clock out at noon and take a leisurely nap followed by a warm bubble bath that is furnished with a glass of wine. I wanted to share my thoughts because I know I'm not the only one who feels this way & I need to know that. I feel alone & isolated majority of the time. My whole world revolves around the two men in my life.. in my house.
Don't get me wrong .. I love my husband but that doesn't mean that I don't want to karate kick him to the gutt every now and then. My amazing husband works a full time job & goes to college at night. The nights he doesn't have class he devotes to homework & I feel jealous. Jealous that he can tune out this adorable little person and read a chapter out of his history book. Jealous that he can escape the routine that I struggle so hard to find. With jealousy usually comes anger & I project a lot of unintentional anger on his ability to escape the routine of parenthood. I mean how dare he try to provide for us & educate himself! The nerve.
I LOVE being a Mom. It's as rewarding and fulfilling as I always dreamed it would be. I love watching little man grow. I love watching him learn new things & watching him develop into the person he is going to be.
I just feel neglected - which makes me feel selfish- which in turn makes me question my parenting. I thought parenting would instantly create us to be selfless women. Stupid, I know. I struggle with finding a balance between being a parent and a housewife. I feel, slightly, betrayed by all these TV shows & movies that make this look all so easy. It's not. It's rewarding. It's beyond rewarding. It's just not easy.
There are days that I just want to wake up and say "yea, sorry babe I'm not going to be a parent today. I'm going to finally finish that blanket for my bestie that I've been working on for a year. I'm going to finish Christmas shopping & wrap it all up. I'm going to send out our Christmas cards & then I'm going to go lay out in the back yard with a beer in my hand for remainder of the day." Ok maybe not those exact things.. but there are times I just want half a day.. a couple of hours to feel like Amy not just Mom. Like I said - I am struggling with balance.
That's all. I just need to find my Mommy balance and my personal balance. Well this amazing little man just awoke from his nap.. so I'm off.
But before I go.. I ask: How did you find your balance? How did you create a routine that worked for you?