Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Searching for balance.

I used to gasp at the Mom's who talked about needing a break from their kids. I couldn't understand what could be so exhausting when taking care of a newborn/toddler. I couldn't think past the desire to have a child of my own. To fully grasp the commitment, sacrafices and the dedication it takes to keep a little human alive past utero. Now I all but throw little man at my husband as he walks through the door. I feel like a bad parent 80% of the time. Always thinking of how I could manage my time better, how I should spend more floor time with him, create a routine that is great for the both of us. Constantly questioning and reading; which takes up the free time I could have spent with him researching and getting lost on pinterest. Like right now for example. He is soundly sleeping in his little rock n sleep lamb.. snoring away.. and I should be cleaning the bathroom. I should be starting a load of dishes or laundry. I should be running at the chance to vacuum the neglected carpets. I should be putting up the clothes that are invading my reading recliner.
Truth is.. I just want to finish a hot cup of coffee. I just want a moment to feel free and untangle this feeling of responsibility. I want an hour where I'm not thinking about schedules, laundry, dishes, meals, and cleaning. I'd love to clock out at noon and take a leisurely nap followed by a warm bubble bath that is furnished with a glass of wine.  I wanted to share my thoughts because I know I'm not the only one who feels this way & I need to know that. I feel alone & isolated majority of the time. My whole world revolves around the two men in my life.. in my house.
Don't get me wrong .. I love my husband but that doesn't mean that I don't want to karate kick him to the gutt every now and then. My amazing husband works a full time job & goes to college at night. The nights he doesn't have class he devotes to homework & I feel jealous. Jealous that he can tune out this adorable little person and read a chapter out of his history book. Jealous that he can escape the routine that I struggle so hard to find. With jealousy usually comes anger & I project a lot of unintentional anger on his ability to escape the routine of parenthood. I mean how dare he try to provide for us & educate himself! The nerve.
I LOVE being a Mom. It's as rewarding and fulfilling as I always dreamed it would be. I love watching little man grow. I love watching him learn new things & watching him develop into the person he is going to be.
I just feel neglected - which makes me feel selfish- which in turn makes me question my parenting. I thought parenting would instantly create us to be selfless women. Stupid, I know.  I struggle with finding a balance between being a parent and a housewife. I feel, slightly, betrayed by all these TV shows & movies that make this look all so easy. It's not. It's rewarding. It's beyond rewarding. It's just not easy.
There are days that I just want to wake up and say "yea, sorry babe I'm not going to be a parent today. I'm going to finally finish that blanket for my bestie that I've been working on for a year. I'm going to finish Christmas shopping & wrap it all up. I'm going to send out our Christmas cards & then I'm going to go lay out in the back yard with a beer in my hand for remainder of the day." Ok maybe not those exact things.. but there are times I just want half a day.. a couple of hours to feel like Amy not just Mom. Like I said - I am struggling with balance.
That's all. I just need to find my Mommy balance and my personal balance. Well this amazing little man just awoke from his nap.. so I'm off.
But before I go.. I ask: How did you find your balance? How did you create a routine that worked for you?


4 comments:

  1. It's a never ending struggle to find balance. I will say the best thing I have found for me is waking up an hour early - yes, an hour. It gives me time to read, have a devotional, drink a cup of coffee wrote the day begins. I can somewhat take a deep breath and grab a handle on life before the day begins. Being a mom IS so exhausting, but such an amazing experience and it goes by so quickly.

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  2. I've always been told though that if you're worrying about being a good parent, chances are you are probably a good parent. I bet you're doing an amazing job. Tell yourself that from time to time. 😜

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  3. Oh my gosh! You have really hit the nail on the head. Word for word! I wish I could tell you how i find balance and I've been at this for a little over a year. There are days where i feel accomplished and others where I'm like "what did i do besides change diapers? "(Only really comes up when my husband asks what I did today and i don't think it's a question of interest). But like you I'm sooooo grateful that I'm a mom Something I've longed for. I know i couldn't make it without the encouragement of the women folk in my family. Keep up the good work Momma, Keep reaching out, you are not alone.

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