Wednesday, July 6, 2016

loss.

I haven't written in a while because I simply don't feel attached to the blog anymore. I don't get the same sense of joy out of the posts. Most of the time I feel like I am writing to nobody but I guess that's what we all do when we right a post.

The other day my brother in law lost his battle with cancer. He sadly passed away peacefully in his home surrounded by his wife and kids. The funeral was today and I heard it was beautiful. I was saddened that I couldn't make it. Hours after hearing about the funeral I found out that a different family member (different family) who has melanoma - his cancer has gotten bigger. Not spread but the existing spots have grown. It's heart breaking. I just can't think of losing another person.

The other day I got invited to a beach party. It's a new group of people & frankly I'd love to make some new friends. I ended up talking myself out of going and regret it. What if I missed the chance to make new friends? But I was so worried about the way that I looked that I didn't go. I don't look the greatest right now & I didn't want to walk around in a "Mom" bathing suit when I have a closet full of beautiful bikini's. I put my self image before the desire to make new friends. I prejudged myself on their behalf and never gave them the chance. I mean hell I have a closet full of coverups so why I didn't I just go?! I ended up talking to my husband about it & he brought up a great point. I am not any bigger then I was two or three years ago. I have actually lost weight (10 lbs and counting!!) but I had such self confidence to walk in front of everyone in a bikini. Knowing my flaws and knowing that I wasn't a size 6 I still didn't have the self doubt that i have now. So why is it that having a child made me look at myself so differently? Why do I suddenly feel so gigantic? I can't stand to see myself in pictures. And every time I gain a shred of confidence I see myself in a picture and cringe. What happened? When did I become this person? Why have I suddenly shy'd away from new opportunities and experiences?

I know you are asking how these two topics pull together but I promise that they do..
Our lives are not guaranteed. We aren't promised a certain amount of time on this earth. We aren't given a deadline to meet. We aren't given a check off list when we are born to complete. We have the choice to make these memories and to take new chances. Some may be the last choice that we make and some may change our whole outlook. The point is .. I shouldn't be so consumed on the way that I look. I shouldn't try to analyze why I feel this way or blame anybody for the way that I feel. I should live life to the fullest and do what makes me happy. So what people are mean and rude.. they have been .. so why let that break me? I LOVE the beach. I LOVE being surrounded by water. I LOVE being a Mom and meeting new people. If tomorrow was my last day would I care that I'm not a size 6 or would I wear my favorite bikini and go to my favorite spot to spend the day with my kid.. hell yes! Then why worry about that any other time? I shouldn't. I should do what makes ME happy & create memories with my kid. I SHOULD take care of myself so that I'll be around longer with my family but I SHOULDN'T be so consumed on what others think that I stop living life.

As happy as I am there are things that I miss about the life I had before (not reincarnation kinda past life). I miss having friends who came over all the time, and neighbors you could walk out and talk too & share a afternoon with. I miss not stressing about the way that I look, or the color my hair, or the latest weight loss gimmick. I don't think I've ever been truly confident in my skin but I never worried about this kind of stuff before now. I feel that my surroundings has changed my outlook and created a pressure that wasn't there before. I also feel the same pressure from people who size you up and think they have you pegged because they gave you a once over glance. It's hard being a women - a bigger women - in our society but I have the choices and options to make a difference in the way that I feel and look. What kind of message am I sending to my child(ren) if all I do is worry about what other people think? What kind of role model am I if I allow others to strip away what makes me me to conform to what others think I should be?


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