Tuesday, September 5, 2017

then there were three

Sitting here watching my kiddo's & thinking about how our lives are going to change again. Little Dude and Little Man are both on the floor playing... but not together. Little Dude is being fussy because he doesn't want to do tummy time. Little Man is quietly playing on the floor while a snot ball rolls down his lip and I know if I jump up to wipe it - it's going to be on his hands and all over his face. Yep told ya! Why do kids fight their nose being wiped?? So while I examine our little world of chaos I can't help but think about the little nugget growing in my stomach. The tinge of fear that creeps up, the questions I can't answer and all the decisions that are yet to come. I close my eyes and silently lie telling myself that my husband is never getting any again. I'm excited. I'm so happy & excited that we were able to create this little nugget. I'm so thankful that we get this experience but I could have waited a little longer in between kids.. but that wasn't the plan I guess.

I have decided to NOT do a nursery. I have decided that I'm going to purchase a Graco DreamGlider. Once this baby can roll over on his own I'll do a nursery for both little nugget and little dude to share. Considering they are so close to age - I think they will be fine to share a room - unless of course little nugget is a girl and throw a wrench in all my plans. I'm going to put my nesting energy into the house and try to get some things done. I think by putting off purchasing a baby bed and dresser won't really save us considering we'll need it anyway... so I may purchase the matching set to little dude after Christmas. BUT if we are having another boy then I can put all my energy into the house like I had planned. I'll just need to purchase diapers and his bed set.

What are the house plans? I'm going to change out the kitchen table and add a area rug under it, I'm going to add three end tables with lamps in the living room and change out the area rug. My biggest plan is to change the wall color in the kitchen, living room and hallway. I'm also going to take down the kids picture walls" and put all the pictures in the living room. I think I'm going to switch rooms with Little Dude and Little man. I won't have to change anything decor wise. I also need to organize the attached garage and really work on the back yard. I'd like to turn the garage into a play area using the interlocking play foam puzzle pieces but that's last on the list.

At the moment I'm trying to find my balance. To find me balance of getting chores done, sleeping and taking care of these little monsters. I want to do more than just survive.. and it's getting hard. I'm so tired!! I wish I could make them send my husband home lol. but I'll just tough it out.
That's all I got for now..

Sunday, August 27, 2017

what the what?!

For the past month I have been waiting to be seen by my primary doctor because I thought I had a hormone imbalance. After being on medicines for years for infertility I've gotten to know the ups and downs of my own body. I started getting headaches in the evenings, I started feeling super tired all the time - like I wasn't sleeping good, I also noticed I gained a substantial amount in a short amount of time. I geared up and asked my Dr's nurse to put in for some blood work to check my hormone levels so we could find a suitable birth control pill to help regulate my hormones in fluctuations.
Before my husband left he started talking about having a 3rd baby.. actually a lot of people were asking us if we were going to have another. I simply said no. I didn't want to go through more treatments and I am very happy with the two I have. We have a lot on our plate with Little Man and all his appointments and I simply couldn't think of having a third child.
My plan for this current deployment was to be at the gym as much as my schedule would allow. I have two guaranteed days during the week and as soon as Thomas' ABA kicked in I'd be able to go almost everyday. I dusted off the PIYO I bought last year and I was ready to really start my new routines. I even pinned and googled several 'at home' workouts in case my schedule didn't work and I couldn't make it to the gym.  I was determined to drop 30 pounds in 6-7 months and even decided to go back to the paleo diet. I had agreed with myself that Sept 1 would be my start day and I would rock this deployment.
I got a call saying the Dr's office had a cancellation and I took the appointment. Hours later my husband got a call saying he was flying out at the same time so I had to cancel. I called Friday to see if they had another cancellation so I could take it before the 6th of Sept. The nurse I had been speaking too requested that I take a at home pregnancy test to rule that out.. I scoffed. The Dr's assured us there was no way we could have a natural conception. After calling a friend to vent my frustration she agreed with the nurse.. why not? It wouldn't hurt anything. So before picking up little man from school I stopped at a WalGreens and was cursing myself for wasting $15 on two pregnancy tests.
My friend and I remained on the phone and as I arrived home with both boys sound asleep and the urge to pee - I took a test. I laughed and rolled my eyes at the notion that I was really going to fall for this. I was going to take a test, it was going to be negative because it always has been and I'd be discouraged for the rest of the day. ((It has always been negative without Dr intervention)). So here I am chatting away with my friend, because she wanted to stay on the phone, and pee'ing on a stick.. when the first circle filled with my urine I saw a bright blue line appear and a moment later another blue line. what the hell?! So naturally I started laugh crying.. and ran to grab a bottle of water... no way.. my friend is now laughing hysterically on the other end of the phone while my mind is racing full speed. This is false.. this is a false positive test.. there is no way I could be pregnant. Little Dude is FOUR MONTHS OLD.. there is no way after years of treatments and Dr's saying it couldn't be done.. that we created a baby through natural conception. Apx 20 min later, pregnancy test in hand, I repeated the steps and took my 2nd pregnancy test. Same results.. positive.. bright blue positive.  I ended up taking a total of five.. all positive results.. before conceding in a ball in my kitchen floor that this was really happening.
I can't get in until Sept 18th for a OB check up and by my calculations I'm already 7 weeks along so adding two more puts me at 9 weeks - four weeks shy of completing my first trimester. what the what! All I can do now is move forward .. I could go to the office and take a walk in pregnancy test.. but I don't think that would move anything forward any faster. I think I'm pretty content with waiting two more weeks but I do need to call and change the reason for the appointment. I'm excited that at our appointment that I'll get a ultrasound done so I'll be able to have proof and hear a heartbeat .. this is so unreal.
I was done. I was ready to move forward and be so content with two kids. I was so ready to box up all the baby stuff and donate it all. I was so ready to focus on being healthy and not worrying about being pregnant for the first time since I was 23. I was ready.. but seeing those two blue lines (five different times) just make me want this baby too. I wanted a baby that we didn't know our conception date, I wanted a baby that we didn't have to take medicine to concieve,  I wanted a "i have no idea when this happened" baby but I didn't think it was obtainable.
So now I'll be in the 3 under three club.. insane. Inconceivably insane. This little one will be born before Little Dudes first birthday and Little Man's third. My head keeps spinning with crazy questions.. like how do you go to the grocery store? You can't wear two kids! Can two kids fit in the front basket together? My current infant carseat was manufactured in 2014.. should last 6 years.. but should I get a new one? Does this kid get his own nursery or do I make him bunk with Little Dude or do i put Little Man and Little Dude in a room together? The baby will be sleeping with us for a while.. just like little Dude is now. Until they can roll over on there own my babies sleep in a rock n play next to my bed during the night. Which means I'll also need to update the current rock n play b/c it's gone through 3 kids.. (it was a hand me down from a friend and has been amazing!) My husband is always encouraging me to not run out and buy a crib b/c of this reason and I might just do that this time simply b/c I can't picture how to make the room situation work. OH MY GOD I'll need a new car! There is now way my awesome Escape can hold three car seats on that back row! Two full size and infant seats.. I'll have to move up to a bigger SUV. I wanted a truck.. I have been building my own F150 for months!  Not to mention Dr's appointments with two kids in tow! I'm going to have to find a sitter for those appointments or make them during little man's classes... {{this is how my mind has been racing for two days}}.
While it sounds like I'm complaining - I'm simply processing. Normally our kids are very planned so this is just a whirlwind. Another deployment and another pregnancy .. at least I know he'll make it home this time. I'm still in shock but very happy. I'm really worried my body didn't heal enough and concerned about my c-section scar (which has been bothering me for a couple of weeks). I've really got to manage my weight and hit the gym for this pregnancy b/c I'm heavier than I want to be, even though i typically don't gain a whole bunch. ((under 20 pounds)). SMH...  second best deployment ever! 

Thursday, August 24, 2017

August update

Gosh, it's been a whole month already. The husband just left for another 7 month deployment. Kinda nerve racking. I know I can handle it but man it's a lot. I just wish I could have gotten more done and didn't feel so alone.
Little Dude just turned 4 months this past week. He is rolling over on his side but is horrible on tummy time. He can totally do everything else but he isn't the greatest in tummy time.
Little man is keeping us all super busy! We have speech on Monday, OT (occupational therapy) on Tuesday's, a two n half hour school class on Wednesday & Friday's. We haven't started ABA services yet but we are  working on that.. but I have heard that he'll have five hours DAILY. I literally have no life that doesn't revolve around his therapy.
My mind is going a mile a minute. I want nothing more than to spend a day at the beach being childless and drinking a beer. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but Momma needs a break. I want to get so much done over the next six months and I'm not sure it will be realistic. I'd like to repaint the whole inside, I'd like to replace the kitchen table and the area rug in the living room. At the same time I really just want to be a hermit and save so much money to pay some bills off. So the plan is to balance both.. which I think is very plausible.
Since I have five hours a day with ABA services the plan is to hit the gym with little Dude. We also have 2.5 hours free during the school time frame too. I wanna carve some Mommy and little Dude time in, plus carve in some just Mommy time too. Thursday's I'd like to make to go out and check out different things. I haven't tackled going to the beach with just the kids by myself yet.. but i'm willing to try.
I've also want to work on a group of schedules... I'd like to get some meal planning done. I find that coming home with a hungry kid is horrible. I need/want to create some food/snacks that are already ready when we get home. Monday's is a late day I really need to start dinner in a crock pot kinda thing before I leave. I'd like to create a workable leaning schedule and get groups of things done by the day.. because there are days I look up and it's 4pm. I'm not sure where the rest of the day went. I'm also planning on going back to the paleo diet too. SHould help cutt down spending and make it easier to meal prep.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

July update.

Little man turned 2! Holy guacamole!
We ordered him a dump truck scene cake .. so dirty with trucks placed on it... they ran out of cars so they upgraded the cake. It was huge! It was delicious but it was huge! So we added a couple of his favorite cars, invited some neighbors and a couple of friends with kids and ate some cake.
We did pictures at JCP that afternoon - which are adorable! We also had a Dr's appointment (without shots) and found out that little man was 26lbs, 3ft tall and was able to flip around in his car seat. The next morning we went out for a IHOP pancake breakfast. His big gift this year was a swing set! Man, does he love to swing! Grandma from Texas sent him some PJ's and he got some pull back cars from amazon.. (from Mom). I think it was a great 2nd birthday!!!



Little Dude just turned 3 months old.. like what?! I can't believe he is 3 months old!! He is apx 14 pounds - wearing 3-6 month clothing, and trying so incredibly hard to sit up! He coo's and goo's, he is super punctual about eating, and he sleeps 6 straight hours at night! He is growing up so super quickly!!
Now I just gotta figure out what i'm going to do with all his clothes he has outgrown. The husband is talking baby #3 already but I think this baby factory has closed up shop. I'm not going through more fertility treatments - so we'd have to have a real miracle baby.



The husband is back home. He came home at the end of June. It has been a fun adjustment but a adjustment. I have gotten so used to doing everything myself, and man do I need a break, but to expect him to come in and just know the routines.. that's just insane. 
BUT
Now that we are getting the hang of things we are just learning that they are trading him to another command. We don't have official dates on everything yet but it looks like he will be leaving in September (yes, next month) for a 7-9 month deployment. The ship he'll be joining just left and he'll have to fly out to catch up with them.
While I understand it's the nature of the beast.. let's just say I'm NOT happy. I just completed 15 months with him gone and he'll be home for almost two months and gone for another 7-9 months... 15 + 9 = 24.. two years.  We can't fight the orders.. so it is what it is. 


While he is gone this time I'm going to focus on dropping weight and getting a good schedule for us. My plan is to go to the gym or do 'in home' workouts five days a week. I'll also be focusing on clean eating and increasing my water intake. I have adapted a very unhealthy Dr Pepper addiction after Little Dude was born.
We have our old roomie moving back in at the end of Sept, which will help us out quite a bit. My brother will also be moving back to SD later this year; which is another great bonus.
Little Man has already started speech but we will be adding Occupational therapy & he'll also be starting a 'early start' school. My plan is to use his school time (three hours) to go to the gym. It's going to be a lot challenging this round and even more challenging for the husband to just 'plop' back into our schedule. 

I'm also searching for 'who I am' during all of this too. I'm more than just a Mom and a wife. I have interest and hobbies that I have yet to explore. I'd like for Little Dude to get a little bit older but start doing beach days throughout the week. We've become hermits, unintentionally, and I really need to make an effort to break that cycle. Little Man does so good in public situations - so I really need to make that a focus. Although I'm still debating on keeping my Y membership - we will just have to see what the schedule allows once all the chips fall into place.
I have a couple of things I'd like to accomplish this next deployment but my main focus will be on weight loss & getting a better schedule. I will also be adding a 'night' off for myself either once or twice a month. Ya know where I hire a sitter to go catch a movie, or dinner, or a pedicure.. because I didn't do that the past fifteen months. I also need to understand and let it be ok to take a break and breath.


I'm very serious about skipping Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. I already bought the boys their monogrammed Christmas pj's from #gentryscloset and I'll be doing our annual family pictures - for the boys anyway - but that's about it. I do need to get Little Due a stocking - since the one I ordered last year has a different name on it but I'm not going all out with decorations, gifts, and baking this year. The kids don't need anything and they are little enough that they will never know. If you personally know me then you know that's insane - Christmas is one of my favorite holidays but I just want a break. I just want to take a deep breath and get back to the basics of family without the expectations of everything else. Nothing is more important than my little family and I really let the unimportant stuff take a back seat. Decorated tree's, cookies, gifts.. all of it at the end of the day is really just unimportant... it makes us feel good.. but it's not that serious. 

Thank you for stopping by to check on us and I hope that you leave a comment or two to let me know you're following along. 


Monday, June 12, 2017

Numbers.

9:
16:
42:
21:
28:
What do they all mean? We see numbers all day long no matter how hard we try. I was thinking the other day that we allow a clock to rule our lives. What time to get up, go to bed, take naps, go to stores, run errands, go to work, go home.. it goes on and on. I know that they say we can't live without air and water but I kinda think we can add numbers in that too - or time. So the significance of the numbers I listed?
9 days until little dude is 2 months old. I mean - wwwwhat?! that's like super crazy to me. Mind blown. I swear I just had that baby yesterday.
16 days until my husband is home. like seriously. He's been gone for what seems like a year.. I mean it's been a total of 40 days since Oct 5th, 2016. He was gone 6 weeks and then home for 6 weeks and then he left for 8 months. I'm not sure if I'm more scared or excited for him to be back in our daily routine.. it's gonna take a moment to adjust.
42 days until little man gets his eval for autism. We turned in the paperwork today and got out appointment. i'm seriously not excited but i'm anxious to get a diagnosis. Then again I feel that everyone would fail the autism test if we took it. So it's kinda like setting him up for failure, but I feel we gotta do it. So he can get all the help he needs and so that we can too. I have already learned a lot from the couple of speech sessions he's already had.
21 days until my favorite holiday of the year. I love the 4th of July. I love every silly sterotype that we Americans have. Grilling hot dogs and corn on the cob by the pool.. while eating watermelon ... just to sit in lawn chairs while having a budlight and watching the sky light up for 45 min to watch fireworks. I'm super excited! I love decorating for it too! I have my very own tote full of nothing but 4th of July decor. NOT kidding. Big lots loves to see me coming in June.. I buy so much stuff. It's also when I replace my welcome mats - hahahaha.
28 days until little man turns 2! I mean. We have decided to get him a cake and take him to his favorite place to play. We don't have any friends with little kids - so he doesn't have any friends to invite... how sad? I'm working on that part.. because he needs the kid interaction.
Well there ya go.. I just planned out the next 42 days for you.
I also want to add that my URL is up for renewal and I'm just not sure if I want to keep this going. I know, I know. I keep saying that and I just keep renewing it. It's a nice place to vent and to feel like I'm having a real conversation with someone but once the husband gets back I don't know that I'll really keep posting and updating. I'm gonna keep sleeping on it but I gotta renew it pretty soons.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

results.

So after an hour n half appointment it was concluded that Little man will also need Occupational Therapy. She said it was something to do with the way his mouth formed and he doesn't hold his tongue correctly - which is causing the majority of the speech problems. He was very vocal for her but he got really irritated halfway through and I'm sure it was the time frame - not the session. I feel like we were able to cover a lot of ground.
She told me that if he is autistic it's very low spectrum but she can see why we would think he was. She also stated that he was very intelligent, not that autistic children are not, but said that he had created his own way to talk to us. Ex: she showed him a stuffed cow and asked him to say "moo". He got frustrated when he attempted and went to my purse - got his ipad and went to an app with animals. He picked out the cow - showed her - pushed the cow and it said "Moo". He started dancing around because he was proud of himself and she said that was very acceptable. It was acceptable because he was acknowledging that he knew what she was asking and created a way to repeat the sound - even if it didn't come from his own mouth.
Our half hour 1 on 1 was a little more taxing b/c once I entered the equation he got super anxious. He was very touchy and wanted us to leave. He didn't like that she was telling me about the hour. He doesn't like to hear us talk about him in this context. So we need to be careful when we are explaining his 'actions' too b/c he is listening and it does upset him.
 We talked a lot about discipline and limitations. She said he was super agitated that he couldn't express what he wanted or that we weren't understanding him. He does lead or guide you to what he wants but when it's not given he gets upset. Not b/c he is demanding or that he was 'acting out' simply because he didn't understand when we said  no and why. We need to do a lot more talking with him. Name everything. Repeat it. Don't punish him for things we think he should know. Like.. when in the high chair. .I know he can say "go" but to him "go" means leaving the house. So using 'go' to get down is confusing but it's what he can say. So say "down" and repeat it a couple of times then get him down.  Don't make him sit until he says it.. just repeat it every time and get him down. It's going to take a lot of discipline and repetition for all of us. So all in all we were told to put non basic discipline on the back burner until we could get our evaluations done and allow them to explain to us how he needs to learn. Don't let him get away with everything but demonstrate patience in learning his way of communicating. What we may take as being bratty may simply be his way of being agitated.
The story is he's very quiet. He never makes a sound, never throws a tantrum - well not really - but I do see that when he does it is out of frustration.
He doesn't have classic 'autism' traits in the manner that he makes eye contact, acknowledges his name (from everyone but me - lol), shows emotion according his age, and is interested in things within his age group - he isn't as withdrawn as I thought he was. I do need to find a playgroup for him and we may be assigned a certain place for him. We are moving forward and that's half the battle but we have a long road ahead of us.

Thanks everyone for reading this, thinking of us, praying for us and commenting. It means a lot to have a place to be able to express what we are going through.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

here we go

I wrote a post about my sons new adventure with Dr's appointments & I'm happy to say that with all my due diligence we start speech tomorrow! We have our evaluation and we have our first appointment. I'm super nervous and excited for him. While completing the paperwork for tomorrow - I realized a couple of important factors that I hadn't thought of before. While my husband is gone I don't have anyone to talk too on a daily basis. Actually it's been really quiet for the past year and with that the lack of conversation in the home - I think it hurt him. While phone calls were sparse and while the bulk of talking is through texting and posts; he didn't hear them. I can talk to him all the time in a store but he's not hearing the volley of a conversation. I'm also aware that the lack of playing with other kids has hurt him too. I have made a point to take him to the park but all he really wanted to do was swing. I did attempt the Y very briefly - with not being able to work out and attending a swim class - there wasn't a lot of interaction.
I'm starting to see my faults here and that is super hard. Going through the motions of the day to day grind I missed the interactions, the volley of a real conversation. He thrives on the ipad games and his movies because it's conversation and I have once saw it - until now. With having little dude we have had people here for a solid 8 weeks now and we have had a volley of conversations. His verbal output has improved greatly! We went from saying two words to adding two more - Momma and "get down". He has also been trying to say his letters and his numbers and added extra grunts for other things. HOW did I miss this vital piece? 
You try to do things the best you can and when you see that you failed your child in basic things - man that stings. The good part is that I can move forward and adjust where I need too. PLUS the fact that Dad is on his way home will help with conversation flow. We have the therapy to teach the BOTH of us on how to adjust and move forward. I've joined a couple of mom groups through a new church I've been trying out. I've also got some other pans in the fire to see if that works.

I'll keep you all posted. 

Thursday, June 1, 2017

6 weeks postpartum

Funny. I have about 25 min before the baby erupts in ear curdling screams b/c he thinks I'm going to starve him. New meaning of waking up in a hurry on my behalf.. good lord kiddo give me a moment to get my shirt off.. sheesh.
I went to the OB today for my six weeks postpartum check up.. say what?! How has it been six weeks?! I tore part of my stitches at some point so I have an additional two weeks before I can return to regular business. Meaning not lifting more than 25 pounds, no tubs or pools, and he said I could briskly walk.. little does he know I've been doing way more than that for weeks now. (which is probably how I tore a stitch to begin with).  I was looking forward to focusing on getting back in shape.. I have a goal of being a MILF.. hey! don't laugh.. we all have dreams. lol
After my appointment I went to the commissary - without any kids - and I got hit on. Not just anyone but a upper rank!! That's so huge to me b/c I only get hit on by the young kiddo's - so getting hit on by a more mature man made me feel so distinguished. Yes, I'm weird but it's a whole new milestone when it's a dude out of his mid 20's. My self esteem needed the boost. Also noting it shouldn't have made me feel so good but 6 weeks after having my second kid! It was a major boost.

As I wrote before that I'm trying to redefine my life now that I've accomplished my overall goal to having kids. I bet infertility through invitro and I'm searching for who I am. My kids & my husband are a big part of who I am but I feel I need to rediscover who I really am and put my life in perspective. I'm still soul searching but being a Momma to these two little boys is pretty amazing. Well Little Dude just sounded his alarm and I have to go feed him.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Drs and Stuff.

5/24/17
I've been dealing with Dr's offices all week.
Little Man's Dr. (PCM) signed and approved a developmental screening & speech therapy. They paperwork was signed and sent to the developmental office. That office called and said that the PCM missed one page but they wouldn't be able to see little man for 4-6 months. He suggested that we call a neighboring hospital to see what their waiting time was. I called the other hospital, Rady's Children - or just Rady's - and it's a month wait. So I called our PCM's office back and got all the paperwork faxed to our insurance co, Tricare, to move all his stuff to Rady's. Pending insurance approval we were moving in the right direction! (Tuesday)
I called Tricare the next day to hear that we were approved to move forward with going to Rady's for the developmental screening and speech. I didn't get the approval code.. So then I called Rady's to set up our appointment and get him on the waiting list. They didn't have paperwork for little man but could look it up with Tricare's approval code number. So I called Tricare back and got the approval code, then called Rady's back and got a voicemail. (Wednesday)
Rady's called to let me know that all they got was an approval for the developmental evaluation not the speech. They had an opening within the week for speech but needed the approval number from Tricare to book the slot. No appointment was made for the evaluation even though all the paperwork is there (why? I don't know because I was focused on what they didn't  have). Called Tricare and they didnt' have a speech request either. Called Dr's office to request a write up for speech so that we could get the appointment for next week.. they had to get the PCM to sign off on it. (Thursday)
Tricare still hasn't received PCM's approved request for speech. Can't book the next week appointment for next week. Still waiting on a call back to book eval appointment - even though we have had the approval # from the insurance co. (Friday)
________________________
I had an appointment for little dude today at the same PCM's office. We went to check weight. So when little Dude was born he weighed 9.2lbs and while in NICU for five days - he dropped to 7.2lbs. At our two week check up, (two weeks ago) he had gained weight and got back to 9lbs. Today they weighed him in at 9.59lbs meaning that in two weeks he hasn't even gained a whole pound. It sounds way worse then what it actually is. He has having trouble eating and would just scream after eating for at least a week. Then I bumped him ml's up to 80 per feed and stopped drinking Dr Pepper.. his crying stopped. I think I just had to much caffeine for his little body.. so yea I get that. Anyway the Dr we saw, which isn't our assigned PCM, suggested that I stop feeding him breast milk and just feed him formula due to the insignificant weight gain. Man, this kid eats every three hours and drinks 80ml a feeding. Has at least 8-10 (if not more) wet diapers a day and three are also poopy.  I don't know how he couldn't have gained more then a pound... but he didn't.
I refused. I refused to stop feeding my child breast milk. Why? because he grew 2.25 inches since birth, has gone up a while diaper size and can now wear 0-3 month clothing (which he couldn't a week and a half ago). I know my child is bigger today than two weeks ago and I'm not going to stop giving him the milk that he needs. I got to 6 weeks with Little Man before my milk dried up, so I'm going as long as I can with Little Dude. The Dr did note that if Little Dude hadn't reached his weight goal in three weeks, because they are super concerned if they'll go three more weeks, then they will want him strictly on formula at that time. As if they could make me and without a perscription paying for the formula.. that's not going to happen if I'm producing enough to feed him.
_________________
My friend's Dad passed away this week - the family we go to Arizona to see all the time,  but I'm not ready to talk about it yet.
__________________________
The good news is - we are so much closer to the husband coming home.
I joined the San Diego branch Linus blanket group. Linus blanket's are the blankets you receive while in NICU for Children. My sister who is out now is a part of the Houston, Texas Linus blanket group and I couldn't think of a better way to give back and use my skill of making blankets. Super cool.
We are getting closer to getting 4 hours in between feedings and little Dude is allowing me to get sleep at night.
I'm down 35 pounds since giving birth to Little Dude five weeks ago! Non of my pants fit and I'm hoping I can keep dropping so I can go shopping soon!!

 


Monday, May 22, 2017

Non-Verbal

Little man is about to turn two in July.
I'll start off with recognizing our family has been through a lot of change in his first year. Dad left, and came back, and left and came back, and left (etc) throughout this past year. Yes, it's been almost a year of him coming and going. We had a baby brother during this year as well. I'm not oblivious of the big changes.
During this year we started off with apx twelve words. Momma, Dada, Bella, Dog, Kitty, Cat, go, Dulie (for Julie), Arthur, and uh-oh. I started noticing around 18 months, after Christmas, that he wasn't talking as much. I also started noticing he only played with two toys.. both he could spin on the ground and made noise. I looked into an echo sensory because that's what it seemed like. We started swim back in Feb, again after Dad came and left a second time, and he cried at every lesson. Then he started plugging his ears and refusing to go in the water or be under water - which is very typical for children - IMO. I also started noticing that he wasn't really playing with other kids, not that we are around that many. We were going to a church social where the first 45 min we co played parents and kids - and he didn't seek the children out to play with. He actually had no interest and stayed to himself but I thought it was because he was a non-walker and all the others were. Even after he started walking he didn't gravitate to the kiddo's. I also started noticing and hearing from the day care worker that all he did for the next 45 min was cry. I thought it was because of nap time but also realized he wasn't trying to play with any of the other kids. We stopped going to the group because of that and because the day care worker complained about his constant crying.
Little man became obsessed with Dory & I tried to incorporate water as much as possible. He loved bath time! I decorated his bathroom in Dory characters and for a moment I thought he was saying "fish". We'd watch Dory and his face would light up! Then I sought out aquariums, other fish movies, but he only wanted Dory and didn't seemed interested at all in the aquariums. We have a unspoken schedule and I noticed that if I went off that schedule he didn't seem to mind. I also noticed that he never asked for water, or juice, or food. He never complained about being in a carseat or stroller for a long period of time - which I tested by a 3 hour hair appointment. (to my defense I brought food, the ipad and he was directly in front of me the whole time. So I thought he didn't complain b/c his needs were being met). Although we got a ton of compliments on how well it was - it was odd.  Then friends started commenting on how their kids wouldn't have set that still or quiet for that length of time and I felt horrible. Out right horrible. Then I really started paying attention. Dissecting his every move, asking questions to other parents and people I new worked in the field with children.
Dad came home, we had a baby, and he changed even more. Now we have regressed to just saying "go" and "Dadda" but this time he doesn't seem to acknowledge Dad on facetime. He doesn't look up and smile, he doesn't blow bubbles and throw kisses. He just acts like he doesn't know he's on the ipad. Then the ipad became his obsession. He is really, really good at ipad games - some above his age level. Now the TV or movies are just a distraction but he's obsessed with his ipad games and throws major tantrums when I force him off of it. He still doesn't play with toys, he still doesn't talk or acknowledge his needs. He doesn't really seem to even acknowledge "Little Dude".
While the husband was home for his 20 days he also started to notice his quietness. My husband stated that Little Man never asked for food or juice. He never complained of a dirty or wet diaper. He never complained about going to the hospital for the day. He's just a very quiet kid. My sister J came into town and he never questioned her. He never hesitated or clung to me with her. He's met her once but they facetime off and on so I thought that's why he didn't have reservations. Dad left, J came.. and he never acted phased. Then my other sister V came and J left - all while he was sleeping - and he never hesitated. He doesn't try to interact with V like he did with J.. but he never got upset or questioned her getting him up or changing his routine.
We took him to the Dr and stated our concerns right after Dad left. We were met with different reactions ranging from annoyance that we were suggesting our child is special. One person even asking 'why we wanted our kid to be retarded".. yes that was the exact question. We keep hearing that we are 'worrying to much' or that 'kids talk on their own time' or that we are being 'paranoid because we know children with special needs'. Two year olds talk. Two year olds babble, they play pretend, they play with cars and make crashing noises. They mimic a cat or a dog. They laugh outloud or rush to a window to see the garbage man.  They get mad because they wanna walk and explore.
A child isn't usually tested before the age of 2 for any special needs.. including autism. Our regular pediatrician had heard my concerns for the past year and agreed to get him in for a evaluation - 'that could take some time'. It's been two weeks and nothing has been done but a hearing test appointment made. I don't want something to be 'wrong' with my child. I don't want him to be different and put under a microscope. I don't want him to be different in our society and bullied because he learns different or talks different. I want to help my child. I want my child to ask for food, or a drink. I want him to tell him he wants to play or he is dirty/wet. I want to understand my child's feelings and I want him to get the help he needs as soon and as early as possible.
I'm hoping and praying that the stories I hear are real.  I pray that one day he just wakes up talking, I pray that one day he runs up and gives me a hug (which he doesn't do). I want him to respond to his name and turn around to point to what he wants. His form of asking for a kiss is lowering his forhead to your mouth - which seems like he's headbutting your face.
My heart hurts for all the what if's for various reasons - and non of which is towards him, exactly. I hurt because I don't want him to be bullied, I want him to be understood and have friends. I want him to have relationships with people and make friends with other kids. I don't want my child going through this harsh life labeled but I do want him to receive the help he needs to excel. I don't want to compare him to his brother and secretly looking for delays in Little Dude too. I'm hurting because these are all very viable things but I have to do what's best for my child. The child that I love so dearly. The child that lights up my world with his smile and his sweet disposition. The little boy that just wants to be swung on a swing and chased by older kids. The little boy who seems to laugh when he's being hurt (by other kids) because he's naive and doesn't seem the darkness in their words.
So there it is my omission to the world that their is something going on with my oldest son. That we are looking into developmental testing and hearing tests. That we are entering a whole new chapter and territory that is down right scary as hell. A chapter where I'll need to surround myself, 110%, by supportive and understanding people just to make my lifes child better and stronger.
God, I pray that you are hearing my cry. I pray that you are guiding me to met new people who will build us up and help us grow. Lord I ask and ask for your guidance and patients as we start this journey. You set this path for us long before we knew a child would in our life and I am just asking for a simple shred of love and support.  I'm asking for friends/people who will support our new chapter and that we figure out how to help Little Man grow and flourish.


Saturday, May 20, 2017

What's Next

For so long I have only identified as the women trying to have babies - determined to overcome infertility. Now that I have two beautiful boys I find a void. A void in the sense that I don't know who I am anymore. I mean I put all my energy into getting pregnant and having a family. While I do have a love affair with the whole working out/being healthy thing - it's not a lifestyle I've carved out. I enjoy music and I enjoy books. Those just aren't a "who I am" definer.
People always ask to describe yourself by saying "so tell me about you" and I just can't say how much my life has been tied up into "well we are trying to have a baby".
Bringing this point back home.. now that I have won the infertility battle (so to speak) I find that the one thing I so strongly identified with for so long no longer applies. Don't mistake that sentence as a sad grieving notion but I now feel lost. I mean I wasn't concerned about a career or hobbies. I wasn't concerned about book clubs or wine clubs. I didn't have the means to travel around the world because my main focus was having a family. So now that I have accomplished that I sit back and ask "who am I?","Where do I go from here?" and "What's next?". These are strange question to ask at 35.
I went to dinner with a girlfriend of 17 years tonight and I am always so impressed by her life. She runs marathon's, she volunteer's at her local Y, she works a 40 hr job, she holds down a household, her & her husband have a passion of visiting breweries, and they travel. I look at all that she has accomplished and I just sit and wonder what my next 'thing' will be. I have to again say how impressed I am with all her accomplishments and her contagious outlook on life.   Anyway - while at dinner she asked me if I was planning on having more kids and it dawned on me that is all people know to talk to me about.
So how do you pick your next chapter? How do you go over a list of things and say "yep that's my thing!". I love to make blankets but is that something I want to invest in next? I honestly wanted to go back to school to do whatever it takes to work at the public schools with my kids. Growing up I went to school with a girl and her Mom volunteered as a librarian aide while in Elementary, and then volunteered at the Middle School and then at High School. I knew that's always what I wanted to do as well. I just need to really sit and do some soul searching and figure out what I do from here. How I make me life matter past this point to myself and the legacy I leave behind. I doubt my boys will tell the story of how their Mom did everything under the sun to have them.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

1 Month

It's so hard to fathom that I've been a Mom of two for almost a month. It's hard to to wrap my brain around the hard facts. I don't know what I expected life to be like but so far it's been pretty adaptable. It's so comforting to have help around the house - big or small. Two of my sisters came out.. one has already come and gone, while the other has just arrived. Both are so vastly different in many many ways. My biggest fear of was not being able to give both kids the time they needed and give my self the healing time I need. While I feel I have rushed my recovery - both the kids are fine. I am still able to give Little Man quality time, and take care of little Dude. The night schedule has worked out pretty well so far.. and only left me with a couple of sleepless nights. I was able to hand off the baby in the mornings, during the first two weeks to get more sleep, and now I feel I'm comfortable on the little sleep I am getting. I'm pretty sure the sister that is here now is questioning her stay because I'm pretty self sufficient with both kids - asking and requiring little assistance. It's honestly really hard to ask for help when I feel like I have it under control but I just wanted the security of having someone here in case I don't. I'm sure a sleepless night is coming where I will need the extra help.
So while I'm sure you want to hear all about little Dude. It's back to his birth weight of 9 lbs. I desperately wanted to breastfeed on of my kids but so far I'm pumping/bottle feeding (breast milk only) to both kids. It's a lot of work breast feeding a baby and the ability to just pop in a bottle at 2, 3 or 4 am is amazing. So I don't feel quality in the least because he's on breast milk and I'm so happy about that. We have created a nice schedule and he sleeps pretty well at night and during the day. He sleeps better during the early hours (5-9am) but that gives me quality time for myself and for Little Man. He is grumpy, has a great set of lungs, very vocal about feeding times, loves bath time and has a mean set of facial expressions already. With Little Man I knew his eyes were going to be blue and with Little Dude it's still a mystery. While I hear all babies are born with blue eyes, his look Navy and make me think they are going to be brown - like his Dad.
While I think we had a second child so quick - being on this side of it now - I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm still a little concerned that big brother hasn't really adapted all that well but I'm sure he'll come around soon. Well Little Dude just dozed off and so I'm going to try and catch some sleep before his next feeding in a hour. Thanks for checking in on us.


Friday, May 5, 2017

Arrived.

Gosh everything has been so busy that it's been really hard to stop and make a post. My husband came back home for a short 10 day visit. We went to Tucson to see our friends Dad and got food poisoning on the way. We went to leave Monday but little man kept throwing up so we turned around - then the next day we did leave and the husband got it on the way. I got sick pulling into their driveway.. it was horrible. It was a quick thing.. so we were good to go by Wed afternoon. We ended up leaving Thursday afternoon and making it back to SD that evening.
So Friday, the 21st, I woke up super itchy. I couldn't stop scratching and nothing releaved the itch. I had an OB appointment that afternoon so I was trying to muster through until then. The itching got so bad that at one point I was crying in the shower begging my husband to rub the sand scrub on my back b/c it was a form of scratching..that was my last straw. I called Labor & Delivery to explain what was happening and before I could really finish explaining - I was told to head that way and be prepared to have a baby. I was all "what?!" So we drove to the hospital.. got admitted.. and told that we were having a c-section b/c they believed I had "obstetric cholestasis" or "intrahepatic cholestasis" {ICP}. ICP is ususaly diagnosed in the 20 week range of pregnancy and is believed to be associated with a liver problem during pregnancy. Long story short they were scared to leave the baby b/c still borns have been associated with this type of condition if ignored and they decided that since we were 27.6 weeks they were taking the baby.
SO our second son was born April 21st @ 7pm  
9.2 lbs and 19.5 inches long


Little Dude stayed in NICU for a couple of days due to fluid on the lungs - which is normal for c-section babies that didn't have a chance to be birthed vaginaly (so they explained). I was able to heal and see him as often as I wanted, and we both got discharged the same day. The husbands leave was extended ten extra days, thanks to his amazing Captain, and my sister arrived the day after we were discharged. Little Dude is two weeks today and doing great. He's breast feeding, he's still got his umbilical cord attachment, and we were encouraged to get him out and about b/c he had a touch of jaundice. So we've gone to a couple of places with him snuggled in our Ergo carrier. 

The husband has already left and rejoined his ship and my sister is here until after Mother's Day. I have another sister coming out for an additional two weeks the day after Mother's Day until the first week of June. SO we are doing really well. Little man is handling being a big brother like a champ by ignoring the baby exists lol. 

As we introduce our newest member to our family - my husband will continue his return on his ship. After he returns we have little man's 2nd birthday, and the commissioning of the ship. We will also have both boys baptized in the ships bell - since they were both born while Dad was aboard the same ship (super rare). SO I'll leave you with our first family picture, taken from an iphone. I just wanted to let your guys know the baby had arrived!! 



Thursday, April 13, 2017

pending husbands arrival

they are sending the husband home tomorrow for 10 full days, which of course is before the birth of the baby, but I'll take it. You know when someone is about to arrive and you have all of the expectations in your head?  Ya know you plan little segments on how things are going to unravel .. As false as these expectations maybe we all create them. Well I have a couple for you.. here we go!

I plan on sleeping majority of Saturday.. not kidding. I plan on taking a big fat sleeping pill, putting one of those sun blocking sleeping masks and sleeping the day away.  Honestly, I doubt that happens but the dream is to sleep the whole day away and wake up just in time to head to the spa.

I plan on waking up to a clean house. Literally have been slacking on that part of my job because I'M HUGE and I don't want to move.. hence the first plane of action. So hopefully he swoops in to take care of the kid and clean the house. Well if he only 'swabs' (mops) I'll be deliriously happy.


Ok, we are all adults here.. yea? Ok. I want him to make me coffee naked. Butt naked. Oh lordy I want this as much as I want the first and next item. I found it in a meme and can't shake it.. so yea. It may not happen but I'm really hoping it does hehehe.

Following the naughty theme here, with a twist.. I wanna take a shower. I want us to take a shower together.. just so he can wash my back. I mean it's one of the most glorious feelings ever! You can't ever really wash your own back, it's a bigger weakness than a back rub, for me anyway. Plus I found these new scrubs from Bath n Body with real sand... I mean I can not wait.



My last & final wish, or expectation, is to go to the spa and get a fabulous pedicure & I need to remove the acrylic off my nails. I have been dying to go by myself for months so I have built the experience up in my head. Truth is my brother let me go while was here a couple of weeks ago, almost 2 months now, but I was so worried about them two together that it was hard to relax. SO at least with his Dad, during nap time, he'll be fine (lol).

Aside from the unrealistic expectations we are going to driving to Arizona for a couple of days. A good friends of our's Dad has melanoma cancer and isn't doing so well. So we would like to go before .. well before we can't. It will be at least July before 'I' can go back so we are going to do a quick trip. I'm prepared to have a baby in Arizona & lord knows I'm excited about the Whataburger. As long as he's not born in Whataburger - this should be a cool trip.

As far as the remaining time he's here.. I have no idea. He wants me to have a baby while he's here but I doubt that happens. Well anyway I'd love to hear some unrealistic expectations you have had about a trip or a family member coming into town. I gotta go shave four months worth of hair away before tomorrow.. haha just kidding.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

36 weeks

I can't believe we are at 36 weeks already!! I'm so anxious to have this baby!!
I was looking back through pictures today & I was just thinking to myself that I could / should  have done a couple of things a lot differently. That if I could go back to the 29th/30th week - oh the things I'd have changed.

First off. Being told that we had placenta previa and we weren't able to workout, or have sex, anything physical. They called it pelvic rest & I've been on pelvic rest up until 35 weeks. So I allowed that to stay very still. I should have been more active b/c now, towards the end of this pregnancy,  it could be harder to heal.

I should have made meals, earlier along, and froze them instead of eating out. I am an adult and I understand that this is temporary.. but I have created a picky eater (with Little man) through always eating out & that's a huge regret. I'm starting to force myself to fix dinners at the house & he is refusing to really eat anything. Gearing towards the end of this amazing journey - I gotta start putting back some of the 'normal' pieces back together for us. I know I can't put a lot of pressure on myself at this point but I'm going to try while the husband is home.

I wish I had forced myself to make a schedule. Cleaning, cooking, and in any other aspects. It's so easy to get lazy and not get anything accomplished. I'm a very organized - usually- but lately I'm really embarassed of the state of my house. I honestly don't care about what anyone thinks - because I have been asking for help and nobody has helped. With that, I feel I should have forced myself to push through and mop these floors,

I can't go back and change anything but if I ever get the honor to have another child - I want to remember these things. I want to remember that being idle really isn't ideal. I'm so thankful that the husband will be here at the end of this week .. and then next week one of my sisters arrives. I'm at the home stretch and I can't wait to share the joyous news of my 2nd son arriving into our lives. Please continue to keep us in your prayers..

Thank you!

Sunday, March 26, 2017

34 weeks

I'm 34 weeks pregnant and nothing much has changed from my last post. I'm still angry and hurt. I'm trying really hard to focus on serenity and calm this inner rage. I'm so scared that my inner rage is going to create horrible post partum issues. Considering I'll be without my husband for the first two months with two kiddo's .. saying I'm concerned is a understatement. Although I've made sure that I have help for the whole first month - Just hoping I can find someone to help out in June also. It's been really hard to just digest and swallow all the disappointment. It's been hard to not look at a friend as a fow. It's been really hard to not be bitter and jaded. While I am sharing some deep anger this whole journey hasn't all been bad. Life goes on and I'm fighting to stay positive and change the way I am seeing this so that I don't have post PP issues.




We got our 4D ultrasound last weekend. I went back to the same place where we did Little Man's 4D ultrasound too & where we had this little guy's gender reveal. A friend came with Little Man & I and the husband was able to join in via Facetime. One of the things that really shocked me .. was how similar that this little guy looks like his big brother! I thought it was a joke at first because they look so much alike! I had to go back and do a comparison of the two side by side and they are almost identical! Which means I'm a host again for another one of my husbands look alikes but since Little Man is so adorable this Little Guy is going to be adorable too! I just can't wait to hold him!




I also finished up his nursery decor completely & I'll post pictures in a couple of days.
I have his hospital items all stacked up on his dresser. I have all my hospital items ready but I'm currently wearing some of the outfits I purchased.  Like  these maternity dresses, which are technically maternity pj's, and I love them! I found them at Target and I can't rave about them enough! I also purchased these pj shirts from Victoria Secret .. they were 2 for $40 and I bought a couple sets of them & they are super comfy! I need a couple of things but for the most part I have everything that I need for the hospital bag. Knowing that I need a c-section & that I had one before - I feel more prepared in knowing what I need. The only thing I keep questioning is I keep purchasing dresses and I know they'll check my insession - so maybe I should check into ,... just kidding. I'm not changing anything.


We also found out that they are going to let my husband come home mid April for two weeks before he has to return to the ship. Meaning he'll miss the birth of his son, which he is not happy about but what do you do? I can't begin to explain how excited I am to have him home. Let me say that later in pregnancy taking a bath is scary stuff. I'm terrified of not being able to get out of the bath tub and hunky firefighters have to help my pregnant ass out.. oh hell to the no. So I think about about a bath.. then laugh and take a shower. So I cant' tell you how excited I am to take a bath when my hubby arrives home. No lie.  The day he leaves is the day my sister flies in too.. so it's all like the final stretch. We are planning on going to Arizona while he is home, I'll be 37 weeks & we will be prepared to have the baby in AZ if it comes down to it. My husband wants to go see our friends Dad who has cancer & I'm not going to say no. I have a couple of things I'd like to do and want him to do while we are physically here in SD but I think the trip to AZ will be fun(ish). I mean.. WHATABURGER.. hear me?

Ok. In a couple of days I'll hopefully get around to posting final pictures of Little Guy's room decor & I'm sure before the husband arrives I'll post again.


Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Speaking Hurt

Ya know I've been really avoiding posting anything because I'm so angry. I know ti's not a proper way to lead in the blogging world with an angry post but screw it. Wanna know why? Because I'm tired. I'm tired of reading posts on facebook where we are scared of what other people think of us. I don't care that you are offended.. wanna know why? Because I'm tired of walking on eggshells around people and their feelings. My feelings matter too damnit! Truth is.. at the end of the day nobody gives a damn about anyone else opinions because we only care about how we feel. Hard truth. So this is my space and I'm going to tell you how I feel... because I can.

I fought for twelve years to have a baby.. 12.. went through years and years of fertility treatments. I injected myself with medications, tooks pills, had surgeries, and I fought. I fought for the right to become a parent despite all the odds that were handed to me. So let me say that when I had little man  I put up with the comments. I put up with the disappointment of the lack of excitement of my first born that I fought for. I was very hurt over my adoptive Mom's response to my impending birth of my son. I let it consume me. I allowed a friend to call him an "alien baby" because we went through invitro to create our little miracle.  I allowed it once.. and I regret it to this day.

So now that we are having baby #2 and the lack of excitement and interest is heart breaking. Nobody asks about him, nobody offered to throw a shower in celebration, actually nobody has done anything. Over this past weekend I received my first (and only) baby gift ... I'm 32 weeks pregnant. How incredibly sad? My husband is on a deployment and the fact that not one of my friends that have shared a holiday in my home are helping me. not one. So I'm past hurt. I'm angry. Like, I don't consider those people friends in anyway. Then you add that my 'adoptive' Mom is being an incredible ass, again. How? By trying to talk every person in my adoptive family out of coming to CA to help me. Seriously. So then on top of that .. she has even tried to ruin my credibility by saying I couldn't afford the plane tickets or that I was lying.  Also I want to add that the next person who tells me what a inconvenience my impeding delivery is.. I'm going to punch. I'm tired of the "oh well if it was the weekend" or "oh if the kids weren't in school" or " if it was later in May ..". My sons birth timing isn't a problem or a inconvenience.. it's exactly when it should be. My magnitude of hurt has just unleashed this enormous amount of rage.

I can't make people be happy for my personal accomplishments but I can do something it. If you aren't happy then move on. Don't lurk around and wait to see what the baby looks like (or 'who' considering a couple of people don't think it's my husbands baby). I don't want you around. I'm just going to work on the five friends that I have here in Cali and move on. I can honestly say that I'm steps away from deleting everyone off my facebook or deleting it. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to please everyone. I'm tired of throwing get togethers and asking people to participate in things.

I can't be the only person fed up with being afraid to say how they feel. I can't be the only person hanging on to relationships because I feel I have too. I don't regret having this baby - who was conceived by an FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). I don't regret his due date or any other decision I have made. I do regret keeping the people who make me feel bad about my choices around. That's going to change. I swear by it. I also can't be the only person who fears what others might think about the 'actual' life we really live. Life is hard. We all go through challenges and rough patches. The point of having friends is to have a support system get us through those tough times. Someone to lean on and to ask for help.


Thursday, February 23, 2017

a glimpse of the finish line

Lord almighty - I never dreamed in a thousand years that this deployment would be as emotionally challenging as it has been. Granted, it really has nothing to do with being pregnant but everything to do with who I thought were my friends. It's hard going through transitions but to feel so alone - it makes it harder. It has also showed me that I'm a lot tougher then I thought I was because I've done four months by myself.

Two sisters in Texas have agreed to come to San Diego for the birth of the baby. If the baby comes on the 4th of May - I'll have them for 12 whole days before they fly home. Since I didn't feel that was long enough - I asked my husband's SIL to come from Texas for the remainder of May. So in June I'll have both kids all on my own and have had apx 27 days to heal from my c-section. I'm worried it's not enough time to heal after a c-section .. not enough to be able to lift 'little man' by that time frame. BUT oh well. I've begged everyone that I can... so I gotta make it work.

While I'm making some big plans after 'little one' is born - I still have some things to complete before he's born. I'm renting a dumpster in March to dejunk our home like I have talked about almost this whole pregnancy. I have bought shelfs, and reorganized certain rooms but it's not enough. I gotta clean out more. I really, REALLY, need to go through my clothes and donate some things - my closet and drawers are busting at the seams.  My brother will be here for a work thing for a couple of weeks, which will allow me to really get some of this done. I don't rely on people but having someone else in the house means I can get some stuff done without having to worry about 'little man' so much. By that I mean he's not here for fun, he's here for work, so I'm not renting a dumpster because he'll be here.

I had different plans for this deployment, pregnant or not, but that's not what I got. I'm OK with that - I just gotta move forward and make the best of the time I have left. The babies room is done, little man is in swim classes,  I have a handful of things left to purchase for the baby, the house is getting more and more organized, and I'm proud of what I've accomplished. A long distant friend called me a 'badass' the other day & I realized that 'that' was the first complement I have received in a long time. That little complement re-lightened a fire in me. So that was really cool & I'm thankful because I really needed the encouragement.

I'm also sure that I'm checking into a day spa a couple of weekends after the husband returns because I deserve some time off and pampering. but seriously I won't be able to stay away from my kids long enough to really enjoy that... haha. 



Wednesday, February 15, 2017

oh baby.

The nursery is complete! I did a transportation theme & I love it.






I bought the bed off of Amazon - which happened to be the exact same bed that Little Man has. We bought Little Man's on base and found it cheaper on Amazon.
I found this bed set & mobile on Wayfair.com through a link on pinterest. Once I found this link and the bedding - it all just came together after that.  
 




I found these decals through a etsy shop called: YendoPrint!  These decals were super inexpensive, fun to put together and fast to arrive. I bought extension packets to add more trees, roads and airplanes/helicopters. I also was able to get Little Man's name done with the extension packet (which was $10!) Which is a good thing considering we changed Little One's name. I just wish they had some boat options.






found these adorable custom curtains on Etsy from Fresh Canopy I love them. I love that they are black out curtains and I love that they pull the theme together. Considering Little Man also had custom Dr Suess curtains - this was a no brainer and were less then $100!

The dresser was also bought off of Amazon after finding the same one at a cheaper price. Plus the delivery was a huge bonus. I also was able to find a 'truck' Scentsy warmer for Little One's dresser. (Little Man has a Dr Suess Scentsy warmer).


I was able to find a glider, with foot rest, in a cherry finish and tan cloth on Facebook's 'marketplace' for $40! That was a steal! I was able to really clean it up with a "magic eraser".
I also found a tulla on zulily for $60 & the infant insert on amazon for $25! Little Man had so many clothes to pass down to his little brother that we really didn't have to purchase many things. Of course I went a little overboard with 'Big Brother/Little Brother' outfits.

With reusing blankets, burb cloths, clothing, infant car seat, toys and baby gear - we have saved a lot! So splurging on what we do need hasn't been a real big issue. I bought crib sheets - Dr Suess for Little Man and car sheets for Little One - at Target. I still need to purchase a double stroller - which I'm debating on two Graco strollers and will purchasing off of Amazon. One of the smartest things we did with Little Man was start purchasing diapers after our first ultrasound. Since they lasted us through the first 8 months of Little Man's life.. we repeated this for Little One. We have managed to purchase Pamper diapers from size 1-3 (4-6 boxes in each size). I have purchased two small 'bags' of Pamper newborn diapers and one size 4 box. We have also been able to find the box of handi wipes (6 in a box) which has come in very handy!  So aside from the stroller I will still need to purchase another motion detection monitor from Motorola. I also need to purchase a couple more bottles because I melted all the Avent bottle tops a while ago. So the only way to get the 'natural' bottle ring and nipples are to purchase new bottles. That part sucks because I saved all the bottles from Little Man. 

The baby prepping has been super easy. I have had so much more fun planning this nursery simply because we has so much left over. I can say that number 2 was been a breeze! I am anxiously awaiting this little one's arrival!! The closer we get the more excited we get! 

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

ironing plans

So I finally found someone to come out to San Diego - actually two people. They fly out late April - yay! I also went to my OB for the first third trimester check up, I know I was shocked too. After a really long talk my OB & I decided that we are going to schedule a c-section & the date that was picked was May 4th. I'm so excited. I'm hoping and praying this baby can make it through April & kind of hoping that the baby becomes before May 4th.

Now that everything seems to be coming together I can start to relax and focus on the last stretch. We are still debating on a name but I'm pretty sure I've picked the one I want. Since we had decided on Michael early.. I have a lot of things to change - like a stocking and his name on the wall in his room. I still haven't gotten a double stroller and I would like to get a couple more crib sheets. Otherwise I am ready.

I am a little disappointed though. I'm disappointed that people that I thought were do or die don't seem to be friends at all. It's so strange that when my husband is here everyone hangs around but now that I actually need people nobody is really around.  It's really hard to think I've opened my home during all the holiday and birthday parties. We've considered all these people extended family & now I can't get a one of them to help when I need it the most. It has caused a huge rift on my behalf but I know that my husband won't share the same views. So it's something I'll have to learn to get over (even though I won't). I am pretty sure that a lot is about to change due to this.

Having a baby should be one of the happiest moments in a person's life. Esp after the fact that we thought we'd never be able to have children and to know that "I" am so alone - it's pretty sad. I wish my husband was going to be here for the birth of our child but I do understand. I don't understand why our friends aren't helping but I do understand why my husband can't be here. I just pray that my heart softens and I can find a way to let this anger and hurt go. I am praying that God is making more room for some new friends to enter our lives and I really pray that my husband will open his ears and really listen to what I'm saying. I think we need a better group of people to help us grow.

79 days to go until our baby boy arrives!! Super excited and super thankful that other people have stepped up to help Little Man & I while we have our little guy.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

I hate tax returns

Yes, you read that correctly - I hate tax returns. They make me bitter. I don't get a refund working from home and I really miss the tax return portion of a job. While I don't miss the 9-5 dance of working - the tax refund is all that I really miss.
So we filed, we talked about how it would be spent and of course once it hits the account the husband decides what's done with the refund. Like I said I'm bitter. I think the issue is that the husband and I have very different idea's of how to spend the refund. I see it as a chance to get some big home 'to do's' done, buy a couple of wants and to save the rest. My husband always puts it towards a credit card, or two, to pay off. No fun. No fun at all. I have wanted to replace our carpets since we have moved in and he always says "next refund.. next refund" and then the next refund comes around and it goes to a credit card or a car loan or whatever. {insert eye roll}
So our big argument via facetime was that this is supposed to be my return. I was going to spend it the way I wanted. Somehow being the person in charge of the bills, isn't in charge at all. He swooped in and spend the refund before I even noticed it hit our account. I had plans for it and it's gone. I'm livid. He also checks in on how I paid bills, how I spend the money and then wants me to 'itemize' each transaction.. augh!
NOW in his defense.. we received a settlement a couple months back and I used the settlement to purchase the nursery decor. So the money that was meant to be mine out of the refund was technically spent out of the settlement. My goal out of the refund was to purchase a double stroller, and to replace our carpets. I guess I shouldn't argue considering the nursery has been completed for a couple of months now but damn man.. I hate his ninja moves.
Also my husband has a panic attack to have a credit card balance of any kind. Any kind. So where I pay a CC off as it comes {I don't just pay minimum balances either} he wants a $0.000 across the board.. and just has a melt down otherwise. I don't like having credit card debit either.. really.. I have been working hard to pay them off. So while we, ahem - I, have a habit of paying off a card and then using it again .. I decided that this go around we are paying a cc off and then closing it! If I spend $150 a month on a payment.. that's $150 I have in the bank if it's closed. So our arguement included that I had no self control and that we didn't need to close the account.. but we do. Oh we do. I'm tired of this song and dance and I want my carpets replaced. SO if I close them and we have that money in our pockets... then he can't bitch and spend the refund to pay off the credit card that will be closed.
{Of course he'll just apply it to having a car note or something crazy stupid like that... did I mention I was bitter??}
My last relationship we lived paycheck to paycheck.. never had a cc to fall back on (thank god) and never had a savings. Our refunds were our free play money because we didn't have any through the remaining year. Those things never bothered me, ok that's a fat lie, but having kids made me really want to work towards a savings. Even though he doesn't recognize me annoyance and my effort to keep the plastic at a minimum it's there... I swear.
I'm going to hang up some clothes and get over the fact that I can't have my new carpet I was desperately wanting and get over the fact that my husband's responsible with bills and credit cards.


ok rant over...what are your compromises and complaints with your refund splurges?

Monday, January 30, 2017

It's been a month.

I haven't written since New Year's Eve because my husband fell and broke his hand while snowboarding. He ended up coming back home for two weeks. He just left last week & little man and I are getting used to him being gone again. The utero baby is growing big and strong and is 26 weeks now. We had another anatomy scan today and he is such a cutie pie. He totally has his Dad's nose.. like hands down has his nose. We have decided to change his name and we are picking out a couple contenders.

Right now I feel so alone. Being pregnant and being in this position is really scary. I don't want to cause an onset of postpartum & I am so sad on how things are. When I found out I was pregnant I started asking my Texas family to come out and help me when the baby is born (in May). It's now going into Feb and it has been decided that nobody from Texas is coming. I'm so broken hearted and angry. When I had little man my Mom and I ended up in a huge fight which caused me to not talk to any of the Texas siblings *or my Mom* for a long time. We made it through the whole third trimester and six weeks into his life before I spoke to my Mom. So here we are going into the 3rd trimester with baby #2 and I'm afraid it's going to end the same way. My husbands family all but fought over coming out here. I ended up choosing someone from my husbands family as my first choice.

I must say that I thought by them missing the birth of my first kid they would all jump at the chance to be apart of my second. So now I'm scrambling to lock down people and back ups. I think I have locked down local people to help in case I go into labor before my person arrives. I have a person and two back ups to fly down to help. I just now need to figure out who, if anyone, is going to be at the hospital with me when I have this baby. Right now it looks like I'll be having this baby by myself.

I knew this year was going to be a year of growth. I just thought it would be with a new baby but now I want to shake up the friend tree and start adding new branches. It's come to the conclusion that I haven't made the wisest choices in that area. I also need to figure out which, if any, are going to stay on the family branches. I'm so incredibly hurt and so incredibly over this lack of concern. I can't believe I have had to beg certain members of my family to be here with me during the birth of my second child. Not just once but for a solid four months. People always say "you gotta over look it because it's your family" but I don't agree. I just don't agree.

One of these days I'm going to post great stuff.. non dramatic stuff. Right now I have the right be hurt and angry. I have a right to feel alone and agitated. I'm just hurt.