Sunday, March 26, 2017

34 weeks

I'm 34 weeks pregnant and nothing much has changed from my last post. I'm still angry and hurt. I'm trying really hard to focus on serenity and calm this inner rage. I'm so scared that my inner rage is going to create horrible post partum issues. Considering I'll be without my husband for the first two months with two kiddo's .. saying I'm concerned is a understatement. Although I've made sure that I have help for the whole first month - Just hoping I can find someone to help out in June also. It's been really hard to just digest and swallow all the disappointment. It's been hard to not look at a friend as a fow. It's been really hard to not be bitter and jaded. While I am sharing some deep anger this whole journey hasn't all been bad. Life goes on and I'm fighting to stay positive and change the way I am seeing this so that I don't have post PP issues.

We got our 4D ultrasound last weekend. I went back to the same place where we did Little Man's 4D ultrasound too & where we had this little guy's gender reveal. A friend came with Little Man & I and the husband was able to join in via Facetime. One of the things that really shocked me .. was how similar that this little guy looks like his big brother! I thought it was a joke at first because they look so much alike! I had to go back and do a comparison of the two side by side and they are almost identical! Which means I'm a host again for another one of my husbands look alikes but since Little Man is so adorable this Little Guy is going to be adorable too! I just can't wait to hold him!

I also finished up his nursery decor completely & I'll post pictures in a couple of days.
I have his hospital items all stacked up on his dresser. I have all my hospital items ready but I'm currently wearing some of the outfits I purchased.  Like  these maternity dresses, which are technically maternity pj's, and I love them! I found them at Target and I can't rave about them enough! I also purchased these pj shirts from Victoria Secret .. they were 2 for $40 and I bought a couple sets of them & they are super comfy! I need a couple of things but for the most part I have everything that I need for the hospital bag. Knowing that I need a c-section & that I had one before - I feel more prepared in knowing what I need. The only thing I keep questioning is I keep purchasing dresses and I know they'll check my insession - so maybe I should check into ,... just kidding. I'm not changing anything.

We also found out that they are going to let my husband come home mid April for two weeks before he has to return to the ship. Meaning he'll miss the birth of his son, which he is not happy about but what do you do? I can't begin to explain how excited I am to have him home. Let me say that later in pregnancy taking a bath is scary stuff. I'm terrified of not being able to get out of the bath tub and hunky firefighters have to help my pregnant ass out.. oh hell to the no. So I think about about a bath.. then laugh and take a shower. So I cant' tell you how excited I am to take a bath when my hubby arrives home. No lie.  The day he leaves is the day my sister flies in too.. so it's all like the final stretch. We are planning on going to Arizona while he is home, I'll be 37 weeks & we will be prepared to have the baby in AZ if it comes down to it. My husband wants to go see our friends Dad who has cancer & I'm not going to say no. I have a couple of things I'd like to do and want him to do while we are physically here in SD but I think the trip to AZ will be fun(ish). I mean.. WHATABURGER.. hear me?

Ok. In a couple of days I'll hopefully get around to posting final pictures of Little Guy's room decor & I'm sure before the husband arrives I'll post again.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Speaking Hurt

Ya know I've been really avoiding posting anything because I'm so angry. I know ti's not a proper way to lead in the blogging world with an angry post but screw it. Wanna know why? Because I'm tired. I'm tired of reading posts on facebook where we are scared of what other people think of us. I don't care that you are offended.. wanna know why? Because I'm tired of walking on eggshells around people and their feelings. My feelings matter too damnit! Truth is.. at the end of the day nobody gives a damn about anyone else opinions because we only care about how we feel. Hard truth. So this is my space and I'm going to tell you how I feel... because I can.

I fought for twelve years to have a baby.. 12.. went through years and years of fertility treatments. I injected myself with medications, tooks pills, had surgeries, and I fought. I fought for the right to become a parent despite all the odds that were handed to me. So let me say that when I had little man  I put up with the comments. I put up with the disappointment of the lack of excitement of my first born that I fought for. I was very hurt over my adoptive Mom's response to my impending birth of my son. I let it consume me. I allowed a friend to call him an "alien baby" because we went through invitro to create our little miracle.  I allowed it once.. and I regret it to this day.

So now that we are having baby #2 and the lack of excitement and interest is heart breaking. Nobody asks about him, nobody offered to throw a shower in celebration, actually nobody has done anything. Over this past weekend I received my first (and only) baby gift ... I'm 32 weeks pregnant. How incredibly sad? My husband is on a deployment and the fact that not one of my friends that have shared a holiday in my home are helping me. not one. So I'm past hurt. I'm angry. Like, I don't consider those people friends in anyway. Then you add that my 'adoptive' Mom is being an incredible ass, again. How? By trying to talk every person in my adoptive family out of coming to CA to help me. Seriously. So then on top of that .. she has even tried to ruin my credibility by saying I couldn't afford the plane tickets or that I was lying.  Also I want to add that the next person who tells me what a inconvenience my impeding delivery is.. I'm going to punch. I'm tired of the "oh well if it was the weekend" or "oh if the kids weren't in school" or " if it was later in May ..". My sons birth timing isn't a problem or a inconvenience.. it's exactly when it should be. My magnitude of hurt has just unleashed this enormous amount of rage.

I can't make people be happy for my personal accomplishments but I can do something it. If you aren't happy then move on. Don't lurk around and wait to see what the baby looks like (or 'who' considering a couple of people don't think it's my husbands baby). I don't want you around. I'm just going to work on the five friends that I have here in Cali and move on. I can honestly say that I'm steps away from deleting everyone off my facebook or deleting it. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to please everyone. I'm tired of throwing get togethers and asking people to participate in things.

I can't be the only person fed up with being afraid to say how they feel. I can't be the only person hanging on to relationships because I feel I have too. I don't regret having this baby - who was conceived by an FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). I don't regret his due date or any other decision I have made. I do regret keeping the people who make me feel bad about my choices around. That's going to change. I swear by it. I also can't be the only person who fears what others might think about the 'actual' life we really live. Life is hard. We all go through challenges and rough patches. The point of having friends is to have a support system get us through those tough times. Someone to lean on and to ask for help.