Saturday, May 20, 2017

What's Next

For so long I have only identified as the women trying to have babies - determined to overcome infertility. Now that I have two beautiful boys I find a void. A void in the sense that I don't know who I am anymore. I mean I put all my energy into getting pregnant and having a family. While I do have a love affair with the whole working out/being healthy thing - it's not a lifestyle I've carved out. I enjoy music and I enjoy books. Those just aren't a "who I am" definer.
People always ask to describe yourself by saying "so tell me about you" and I just can't say how much my life has been tied up into "well we are trying to have a baby".
Bringing this point back home.. now that I have won the infertility battle (so to speak) I find that the one thing I so strongly identified with for so long no longer applies. Don't mistake that sentence as a sad grieving notion but I now feel lost. I mean I wasn't concerned about a career or hobbies. I wasn't concerned about book clubs or wine clubs. I didn't have the means to travel around the world because my main focus was having a family. So now that I have accomplished that I sit back and ask "who am I?","Where do I go from here?" and "What's next?". These are strange question to ask at 35.
I went to dinner with a girlfriend of 17 years tonight and I am always so impressed by her life. She runs marathon's, she volunteer's at her local Y, she works a 40 hr job, she holds down a household, her & her husband have a passion of visiting breweries, and they travel. I look at all that she has accomplished and I just sit and wonder what my next 'thing' will be. I have to again say how impressed I am with all her accomplishments and her contagious outlook on life.   Anyway - while at dinner she asked me if I was planning on having more kids and it dawned on me that is all people know to talk to me about.
So how do you pick your next chapter? How do you go over a list of things and say "yep that's my thing!". I love to make blankets but is that something I want to invest in next? I honestly wanted to go back to school to do whatever it takes to work at the public schools with my kids. Growing up I went to school with a girl and her Mom volunteered as a librarian aide while in Elementary, and then volunteered at the Middle School and then at High School. I knew that's always what I wanted to do as well. I just need to really sit and do some soul searching and figure out what I do from here. How I make me life matter past this point to myself and the legacy I leave behind. I doubt my boys will tell the story of how their Mom did everything under the sun to have them.

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