Wednesday, October 24, 2018

fall break & bugs

I haven't forgotten y'all we are just halfway through Fall Break and it's a little crazy. It's a little harder to sit and write all this out with three kiddo's. Little man is off is schedule and I don't have the morning break to write this out.

We have had some fun during this break but haven't really left the house. It's always something. We are talking about taking the kids to the zoo this week & hopefully we can accomplish that. The house is decorated and the kids have Halloween costumes. Little Miss turned 6 months old - can't believe that. We had professional pictures done - like we have done with all three kiddo's. They turned out amazingly wel

One of my best friends flew in and we went to the Dierks Bentley concert. It rained. My first DB concert in the rain. I have a stuffy nose now but it was worth it. I also experienced my first UBER ride.. that was fun. We had a girls night out dinner and stayed out WAY too late. Three days being up past 1, with three little kids, not the smartest idea.

The last day of summer break we were going to go to the zoo. We had it all planned out. Let me back up. A couple of months ago Little Dude started breaking out in this rash at night. We went to Dr's and we were told it was an allergic reaction. We changed his milk, nothing changed. I started to notice that if I changed his sheets everyday that his rash wasn't so bad the next day. So I started stripping his bedding everyday and washing it, replacing all of it with clean bedding. We thought he was allergic to his own sweat. I also thought it was flea bites on him. With four dogs in the house I just assumed that to be the issue. I had Terminix out here on a regular spraying for flea's inside and out.
The rash got better but never really went away. So Friday we got ready for the zoo and I went to strip his sheets, the sheet got caught on the mattress and ripped. I had to pick up the mattress to get the sheet completely off the bed and that is when I saw it. It looked like mold on his bed skirt and first but then I quickly learned that it was bed bugs.

Dude. Imma let you know this shit is banana's. I have no idea where they came from, I had no idea we had them and I had no idea that was what was doing this. We could have gotten them anywhere and no where. The extensive process of management is bonkers! I have had to wash everything in his room.. his toys, his clothes, the bedding, the curtains. We had a to spray a chemical in the room, we had to bag the beds and box springs, we had to clean the walls. We had to 'steam' the curtains and the dressers, we had to take his bed apart and spray it down. We had to shampoo the carpets too, we moved every piece of furniture around to make sure we got every surface. Then after all of that - we had to spray Tea Tree oil on everything to kill the eggs.

Livid, Disgusted, Angry... those are a couple of words to describe how I felt all weekend. I cried.. a lot. I felt so bad that I let my baby get eaten by bugs I didn't even know we had. Four days since we have managed the mess and we aren't done. Little Man's rash is completely gone though! Don't let people fool you in believing bed bugs are for dirty joe's .. I swear you can get them from anywhere. We need to treat the house but that's very expensive so we are managing it by the steps I shared. We will have the house treated though after tax return unless the bugs come back before then. UGH.

I swear.. we can't just catch a break.

I'll get back to this awesome book as soon as I can guys. Pray for us.. send Rum and Detergent. lol


Amy

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Chaos.

Girl..... this chapter hit so many levels of my current life.. it's insane!!
Chaos really wants to be my best friend and I want nothing to do with him. Everyone's chaos is different but similar. It could be your Mom, your Mother in law, your kids, your husband, the house chores, the juggling act of working and kids. "Every single one of us is living in chaos, we handle it in one of three way:"  1. We ignore it.  2. We battle it. 3. We drown in it". PG 116-117. YES! I both battle and drown in it. So let me summerize what she is saying because I'm the one reading the book and recaping it for you lol.
1. We ignore it by pretending the chaos isn't there. We bury our heads and just keep on going. Eventually the chaos will cause stress which will catch up with you.
2. We battle it: We tackle something different then the actual problem. You clean your kitchen because you are mad at your husband. "The problem with a battle is that we will always lose. If we plan that we can do enough or plan enough to make sure that nothing is ever difficult , we will only make ourselves feel like a failure when life is too hard." PG 117 -- THAT'S ME!! in a freakin' nut shell.
3. We drown into it: "We get overwhelmed by housework, regular work, family, and friends. The stress becomes all that we see" PG 117. This is also me if I can't talk about something that is bothering me that is more present then distance. Like stressing over my Mom will cause me to clean or organize. Things going on inside my wheel house will cause me to become overwhelmed.
We are stronger then this. 
The suggestion is to embrace the chaos.
How do we do that? We need to start by giving our self grace. We all fall short and we need to remember that tomorrow is a new day for us to try again. Take a deep breath and try to find humor in the situation. Like you send your kid to picture day in pajamas... ya know at first that would make me mad but after a beat it is kinda funny. Yesterday I lost track of time. It was 6pm and dinner was even thought of. SO I got flustered and started trying to make this tortellini pasta real fast. Problem was the kids were hungry 30 mins before & therapy was in session & I got embarrassed. Embarrassed that I lost track of time, angry that my kids were hungry and I didn't have the meal ready and angry that the other adults in the house didn't pick up my slack. I expected them too. The kids had a good meal but I was pretty upset so I made sure that dinner was ready on time today.
What is another way? To remember the Fruits of the Spirit - which are love, joy, patience, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.  What that means is we use the tools to help us through whatever situation we are in. Yesterday I needed self control & peace. Today I needed peace and joy. Also taking a moment for yourself is a good thing! So go get that pedi, go for that run, sit through that drive thru for cup of coffee.. and the hardest one of all... let people help you. Now I would personally LOVE for someone to help, that's actually my biggest complaint. We have four grown adults in this house, three kids and four dogs. Somehow I'm expected to carry the load and handle the cooking, cleaning, dog taking care of, laundry doing, kid wrangling, errand runner, and not expect a thing in return. It's hard ya'll. I have a lot of hard hard days. The more I ask for help the less I get. Now that the husband has been gone for three weeks.. I'm drained. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm through being a doormat. Then I remember the fruits of the spirit.. kindness, patience.. and joy. It doesn't always work that easily because I know I'm being taken advantage of. It's hard to rise above and feel appreciated.
Everyone has their own version of chaos. Remember that as you go through your day.. and remember to through a whole lot of patience and kindness every where you go.

"Girl, Wash your face" by Rachel Hollis - book overview.


Tuesday, October 2, 2018

goals

Good Morning!
As promised I'm continuing with the chapter overviews of "Girl, Wash your face" by Rachel Hollis and my personal imput.
Chapter 10 is about goals. 
She says that women don't look forward to birthday's after a certain age. That we'd like to just sweep them under the rug because for the majority of us it marks another year of what we didn't accomplish. I love birthday's and I love to celebrate my loved one's birthdays. True to the point though - I usually don't celebrate my own. Simply because it's usually a couple days from Thanksgiving and we are all busy organizing and prepping for Turkey day. Our birthday's should be a celebration of the life we have created and accomplished thus far.
I love that she said "God has a perfect timing." "Maybe that goal wasn't ever mean to be yours". "Maybe you are destined for something so much cooler."
For years all I wanted was to be a parent. To have a child grow within me and become a parent. It took 12 years. Not a straight 12 - finacialy and personally I had to take time off but collectively it was 12 years. While I was fighting my own body to become a parent and understand why it wasn't working I lost sight of everything else. I had no other goals. I didn't put the baby making on hold and say "I want to be a hair stylist and I'm going to accomplish that first". Nope. I just wondered aimlessly from job to job praying something would stick.
Now that I'm in my late 30's I regret that. I regret not having that push or desire to create a career for myself. I could have been a great hair stylist! I could have pursued web design and made a great career for myself in 2007. I could have stuck with the goal of being a child psychologist I wanted to be in high school.  I just had blinders on and didn't think about the bigger picture. Which now I'm a stay at home Mom juggling 3 kids and I have a husband who is rarely here due to his career. So having a full time career wouldn't be a important in this stage of my life anyway.
In a portion of the book she says "own on negative self-talk can be more damaging than the emotional abuse heaped on us by a hateful parent. It's also far more insidious because there's nobody there to stop it, since we rarely even realize it's happening." PG 105

The challenge of this chapter is to not look at our un-met goals as a form of unacomplishments but look at it as those goals weren't really meant for you. Those un-met goals lead you to pursue something else that helped you gain your path. I have a hard time with that, personally, simply because I don't think I drove the bus to my own destiny, I was dragged. I lost my job in 2008 and a whole new whirlwind chapter started. It was out of my control and I just followed along - praying for something good to happen. and ya know what? It did! Yes I got divorced in 2010, yes I slept on my brother's couch for months with no money to my name. Yes, I moved to a completely different state without a job or direction.. but ya know what? I met my husband. I was available to be courted and taken care of for the first time in my life. I had to learn to rely and trust other people for the first time. I had to hit rock bottom and regain a new inner self. My husband and I met in 2010 but we didn't get married until 2013. Our first child was born in 2015, our second in 2017 and our third in 2018. I have a beautiful home, a awesome new van, no debit aside from our mortgage.. which is a lot better then where I was 10 years ago! I am very thankful that my 'goals' took a little longer to come to pass b/c my husband is an amazing father, provider and friend. I wouldn't want this path with anyone else.

I challenge you to do her advisement at the end of the chapter. "List out everything you have accomplished to date. In fact, write yourself a letter about your tenacity!" It's pretty enlightening!

Hope you have a great day! I hope you take a moment to write out that list of your own accomplishments so you can see how awesome you are! I hope that you stop doing your own negative self-talk and realize how awesome you are! Now go take on today with a brighter spirit and be patient with yourself and your goals. They shouldn't have expiration dates!


Monday, October 1, 2018

locks

Hey ya'll
Welcome to October! Can you believe it? I'm still trying to figure out what happened to August; ha!
Well I took a couple of days off because we had a huge scare in our home and I lost my marble for a couple of days. Now that I'm a little more relaxed Tuesday I'll be jumping back into my daily chapter overviews with a personal punch of "Girl, wash your face" by Rachel Hollis. I'm sure she'd appreciate my dedication lmao. Today though I want to stupidly share what happened. Stupidly because i know it opens me up to being judged by all who read my words.
As some of you know my oldest, Little Man, is autistic. He is non-verbal and what I like to call a silent ninja. He has started to talk a lot more and he babbles all the time. I am so excited because I just know one day he's gonna wake up talking up a storm. ANYWAY.. some kids with autism are runners. They will run and not stop when you yell their name. They don't sense the danger and think it's fun to be chased. That is my son.
Last Wednesday someone didn't dead bolt the front door. I was cutting 10 single green grapes for Little Dude's dinner. I just happened to look up at the mirror over my sink, to see a vehicle stopped at my driveway. Totally out of the normal even for the six o'clock rush.. something in me froze. I literally jumped the kitchen gate and ran out the front door. Low and behold this lady was standing in the road holding my son and in tears. She said she almost hit him, he was running down the driveway and just bolted in front of her. Her poor shooken soul. I grabbed him up, hugged him, listened to her 'watch your kids please' as I walked up the driveway. The thing is... he had just been standing at that gate asking to "eat". I was explaining that I was waiting on the grapes and we'd eat. I had no idea he had opened the front door and closed it behind him. The dog siren didn't go off.. not a sound. THIS could have been SO much worse. It could have been fatal. This could have been a completely different outcome. In true mothers fashion.. i made him sleep with me that night (after just getting him back into his bed.. oy vey).  I was terrified to let him go to school, but he did, and I made sure to tell our ABA therapist about what happened.
I waited until he was fast asleep to call one of my best friends. I told her what happened in sobs. Half she asked me to keep repeating. All i kept thinking was how i let this happened, how could i not have had checked the door? WHY didn't the four dogs bark like usual?? HOW could i let my son just walk out of the house unknowingly? Why didn't I just put him in the booster seat - it was 10 grapes! I felt like the worst Mother on the planet.  We don't have a lot of strict rules in this house but one of the biggest ones is to bolt the doors and shut the gates. They are in place for a reason. 
The next day I sobbed to my other best friend in WA .. both friends interjected ideas and door solutions. At the end of the day.. the only thing you have to do is dead bolt the door. IT'S THAT SIMPLE. I don't need a fancy alarm or ten locks.. just dead bolt the door. I say that but I went out and bought a new dead bolt system from NEST. I can check to make sure the dead bolt is locked by an app on my phone, and I can lock/unlock the door from the car (super cool). We all have codes to enter into the house instead of keys. My brother bought us those chime sensors .. you add them to the crack of the door and when the door is opened it makes a insanely loud chime. I jump every. single. time. it goes off.. so it's doing it's job. We added a baby gate to the exit into the backyard - so he can't exit the garage and we added a motion spot light into the back yard. I know a day will come when he will figure out the lock. I know one day we will have to make extra extra measures but right now it's just simple. Dead bolt the door and shut the gates.
My husband is still gone. He has about another two weeks before he returns. He has no idea this happened. He has no idea I dropped three bills on a dead bolt and I'm scared to tell him what happened in person. It sucks, it's hard. I still feel like shit and he's been under my wing all weekend. I have taken him everywhere with me because I was that shook. I think I check the stupid app to the door lock like 20 million times a day too but everyone in the house has been super vigilant. I hold no blame towards anyone b/c mistakes happen but this one almost cost me my sons life.
My fear is that this will wear off with everyone in the house, myself included, because you feel safe. My fear is that someone doesn't lock that door again and we don't catch it. My fear is that I'll end up in jail over a unlocked dead bolt.
I'm basically a single Mom with three kids. I hold the ground to my house. If you can't follow the simple steps that I have put into place to keep my kids safe.. then you aren't welcome here. Unfortunately, I can't afford to be gracious about it now. People it scared me. It rattled my bones. SO while I send a prayer of thankfulness to the man upstairs, I'm also sending prayer of vigilance to my housemates.
Like I said our weekend got better, we collectively took steps to make sure this doesn't happen again. We all were very vigilant in making sure alarms and doors were set. I'm praying nothing like this ever happens again.  If like me, you have a runner, you aren't alone. It's scary, but you become wiser by every thing that happens. You do better and you become more aware. I've said it alot lately but I was reminded all week .. we aren't perfect. We aren't meant to be and sometimes things get out of our control. The lesson is to learn from it and pray that you take all the right measures and it never happens again.
What a way to end September. Here is to believing that October will be a thousand times better!!

Monday, September 24, 2018

Parenting.

Hope you all have had a great restfull weekend! If you are catching back up with me I have been reading a book .. kinda a self help book if you will.. and it's amazing. It's about the lies we are told and believe and how it hurts us from being our best self. So feel free to go back and read my last couple of posts and join in with me.
Chapters 8 of "Girl, Wash your face" by 'Rachel Hollis'brush on parenting.
Chapter 7 is about sex. I don't want to talk about my sex life at this moment so i'm going to skip over to the parenting chapters. Chapter 8 is about the expectations of newborn bliss and all that goes wrong. I have a 3 yr old, a 17 month old, and a 5 month old. Yes, I'm busy.. ha ha ha... I get so tired of hearing that. Anyway.. you'd think that with kid #3 I'd be a pro! Wrong! I look up milestone schedules every week. I can't remember what a 5 month old is 'supposed to do'. Hell I can't remember what a 4 month old is supposed to do and we just graduated from it. People often scoff when I say that.. but hell life happens and that's not what I stored in my memory bank. I'm currently worried because she hasn't 'rolled' over yet. She hates .. loathes.. tummy time and back time. She sailed right into a jumper and loves the heck out of it. The problem is she has great neck muscles but she isn't mastering the skills she needs on her back and tummy.
The book talks about remembering that life with a infant are 2 things.. the baby and you. Not the laundry, not the cleaning.. the baby & you. So if you are happy, healthy and well rested (snort) then you are more productive and attentive. True. Your kids sense your stress and they react. True. My 'problem' is .. in my house I do it all. I clean, I cook, I run the errands, I bathe the kids, I buy the clothing, I scold, I kiss the owies and I fold the clothing. While this is not intent to be disrepectful to my husband, who does help in his own way, it's not checking off my 'to do list' boxes. So while the clothes are drying and the dishwasher is going.. I lay on the floor and play with my two youngest while my oldest is at school. I sing, I dance, I rattle toys.. I play 'ready set go" down the hallway.. but when those timers go off.. I'm at the next task. I feel if the the daily chore list isn't complete then it looks bad on me. That if I let one thing slide.. it effects another and I won't be able to bounce back.  That is a false reality. I try so hard to fill my kids love tanks. I try so hard to give each child individual attention. I struggle with this so much.. so much. I find that I give into idle time (facebook) instead of what could be given to them and it is promised to be fixed but habits are hard to break.
I have a special needs child. I have a child who requires A LOT of attention. I have a child who has therapy - speech and OT twice a week, he has ABA .. a therapist that comes to our house EVERY DAY to work with him over temperment and life skills and he has school for three hours a day. In THOSE three hours I have to get grocery shopping done, errands ran, appointments made.. and anything that needs to be done outside the home. Plus everything from the previous paragraph. To be fair we don't run errands everyday. Then once he gets home we eat lunch.. fight to do nap time.. and then off to our next therapy session. To come home and be thrown into night schedule. That leaves very little time for the two youngest.  Let me say again that I use my 'idle' time very unwisely and I'm working on that.
This chapter talks about all the ways you can feel like a failure. It talks about ways that you forget about yourself, that you forget about your husband.. that you forget about sex.. that you forget about anything outside of the humans you have created. That we are wound so tight on schedules and formalities that we simply don't enjoy our kids. She talks about how crazy she went when her husband said he was tired when their first son was 6 weeks old. AND how we are so tired of doing something wrong, or that the baby is up to par, or that something may be wrong with her children. She goes on to talk about post-partum and how dark it got for her.
She also touches on comparison. LET ME TELL YOU.. that's a slippery slope. I have this one girl that I insta stalk. She is bad for me. She is the picture of perfection.. in her posts. I don't know her very well outside of instagram, being honest, but her post paint a life of perfection. This girl has gardens, cuts up food in animal shapes, has organic foods.. she is the perfect wife. Her kids never get out of hand, the PTA Mom of the year.. and she has multiple kiddo's. Again.. what she posts are pictures of perfection not mishaps, not piles of laundry. No no no.. her house is a picture our a magazine. Every room she shares is perfection! Not a pillow out of place. Her kids rooms are decorated flawlessly. I can go on and on and on.. but she has become my 'mirror mom'. The Mom that I put myself up against to replicate. The Mom that I think I want to be so badly but wont be. It's dangerous. It's dangerous because one cheery post about her door design for her kids home room was jaw dropping and defeating. My husband told me  a couple of weeks ago.. yea but she has help.. She has her parents, her siblings, and she doesn't have a special needs child. Her life isn't yours. So two points on THAT sentence. 1. I do NOT ever see my son as a hinderance or a burden. I do NOT complain or gripe about anything to do with his therapies. I do NOT think of him as our exception to the rule or that feel sorry for me card. Do NOT pitty his life.. he is brilliant and he is funny and he is my whole world. So please don't read that and think that we are using it as a extra card.. we treat him like our other children who has special requirements to help us manage our world with him. 2. I do NOT feel sorry for myself. Not having my family close to help is a blessing not a hiccup. It's just a eyeball comparison of our lives. It's a point to say that we shouldn't compare ourselves to anyone. Do the best you can do and move forward. That's it. It's that simple. Stay away from comparisons and do you. That is beautiful. The last point from chapter 8 is this.. "The God who made the moon and the stars and with mountains and oceans, the Creator who did all of those things, believed that you and your baby were meant to be a pair. That doesn't mean you are going to be a perfect fit. That doesn't mean you wont make mistakes. It does mean that you need not fear failure because you can't fail a job you were created to do." PG 87.

I hope you read this book, I hope my posts are helping someone out there. I hope that this isn't annoying.. haha. I hope that one day I'll look back and see the effort I'm putting in myself to become who I want to be. Someone my kids will want to be. My biggest defeat will be to have my kids feel about me the way I feel about MY parents. I want to do everything in my power to make them NOT feel the way I did as a child and now as an adult.

Friday, September 21, 2018

the past

It's so easy to carry our past into our present. It's so easy to float back to that day 10 years ago that still makes you cringe. It's hard to not think about a choice you made and wonder how it ultimately altered your path. It is. I often wonder how different my life had been if I had taken that job in CA when I was 20 instead of moving to Oklahoma. I often wonder if I had had the guts to say no at the alter of my first marriage - like I wanted - how it would have changed who I am now. While I believe all the paths we take create the person we are today.. it's hard not to sit and wonder what if!
I urge you to not do that. It can't be healthy. I think we lose the mindset that we are given a new day to be the person we want at every sunrise. I often forget that the day ends when the sun goes down. You can't go back and re-do. You can't unhave that fight, you can't unrun that red light, you can't go to that friends party instead of staying home in jammies. All you can do is remember the outcomes of those situations moving forward and alter them.
Everyday I go to bed and pray that God helps me be a better Mom tomorrow. Everyday I pray that God gives me a little more insight into understanding Autism so I can help my son. Everyday I pray that play with the kids a little more instead of stressing about house chores. Everyday I write my to do list and scold myself for it not being completed. Everyday I wonder if Little Miss is getting the same attention her brothers did and worry she's not hitting milestones due to my negligence.
We are already so fragile, depleated, overwhelmed, anxious for the next trip or day off. There is no reason to throw that extra beat yourself session up everyday.  There just isn't.
My goal as a parent is to be a better parent then I had. Everyday I strive to be the perfect wife, have all my chores done, stress over a home cooked meal, and try so hard to not ask for help. I was taught asking help would be admitted I can't handle my work load and that equals failure. Girl, I know I'm not alone on this either. That is crazy. Absolutely crazy. We are not perfect! We are beautifully flawed and some of the best life moments are the unplanned ones. Asking for help isn't weakness it's a strength. It's a strength in knowing you are aware of your boundaries and that you are willing to get the task done by asking for assistance. Hell, it may even help you learn something more efficiently by asking for help or it could create a new dynamic into your marriage by asking for help cooking dinner. As a military spouse I am so used to doing things on my own. When my husband gets home I am so robotically trained that I forget to include him.  It wasn't until he told me how left out he felt because I never asked for help. I was like.. say what? You mean you could have doing bath time while I clean the kitchen???? Dude... you can take that task away pronto! my husband refuses to load a dishwasher.. will do any other chore in the whole house but will not load a dishwasher.. lmao
So the take away is that our past is our past, we can't change it but only learn from it. We have control over our current and future choices though. That load of clothes can tumble 15 min more while you get some extra play time in. And understanding nobody on this earth is perfect and that we are all flawed .. is beautiful knowledge. So ask your spouse for help, take that extra coffee break and give yourself a break. "Be patient and loving with yourself. You weren't meant to be your biggest critic, but your biggest fan!" by 'Emily Kinney'.

Thursday, September 20, 2018

desperately tribe-less

Let me say that I have two friends that I feel are my ride and dies. I would do anything for either one of them, their spouses and their children.. without question or hesitation. I also feel that they have my back the same way. 
Five long years ago I thought that becoming a Mom would help me create life long friends. I was wrong. I've never felt so isolated in my life. While I love my kids and I wouldn't go back and change a thing.. I hate being so alone. I look back to my teens and recognize that I had a great tribe in high school and of course I was too young to see that. I was too young to understand that friendships need work and have a lot of give and take. I took their presence for granted and wasn't always the friend I needed to be. Although I am friends with two of them, and a facebook stalker friend with another, our relationships have drastically changed.
In my 20's I knew this girl, who probably will read this and that's ok, who I desperately wanted to be best friends with. Our relationship is what I used to call, seasonal, we were only friends during the Spring/Summer and we were distant during the Fall/Christmas. I have no idea why but that's they way it worked for over 7 years. I also felt like I wasn't enough, I didn't add enough, I didn't have kids so I couldn't be the friend she needed but I tried. I'd drive out of my way to attend her church and her gym just to be near her. My life was in shambles, I was so unhappy and heart broken, and her life seemed so put together. I was envious and I wanted to be close to something I felt obtainable but that's not what happened. There were times I tried to explain my side of the fence and I wasn't heard. I am sure that I wasn't there when she needed me and I know she wasn't when I needed her. I take the share of the blame but I wish that that friendship had really been able to blossom the way I prayed and willed it to. I wish I could have been like the ladies she did become good friends with and is still friends with. I wish I could understand the problem but I was so desperate for that relationship that I held on when I shouldn't have. Maybe if we had had a 'real honest come to Jesus moment' I could have been different but again I was so desperate that it wouldn't have been heard.
Then I moved to the isolating state of CA. Where nobody is really friends with anyone and it's where the unfriendly people live. hahaha, sorta joking. Being a military wife you make friends and they move. Some friendships don't stand the distance and others weren't worth saving anyway. People here are so judgemental, military aside, it's not worth the headache. Military is a big competition of rank, that we - the spouses - don't even have. I don't care about what your husband does or his rank - I just want to get to know you. I don't tell a lot about my husbands career because it's his. I run errands and see these two women pushing strollers with their child in their carts and wonder.. "why not me?" "Why can't I have this?" "Why am I a social parana here?" I feel deep in my bones that if I moved back to the South I'd find my tribe.. but people from the south are stationed here too. So where are they???! (haha again you can hear my desperation). I have two  great military spouse friends. Both have received new orders and will be moving on soon.. and that's heart breaking.
Why is it so hard to make friends as a adult? Why can't we be honest and grown up? Why are things always a competition? I don't wanna compete with anyone.. so I don't. I just don't understand the friendship dating guidelines because obviously I'm not making the cut. Ha, I'm a good friend. I have baggage and drama like everyone else. I struggle to keep my house clean, my husband happy, myself taken care of.. I struggle. I'm open with my struggles and faults; maybe just a little too much. Oh lord I like to complain about my husband b/c I want to be a better wife and I don't understand why we argue. My parent's fought all the time and I swore that wouldn't be me.. but here we are.. ok, we don't fight all the time. I don't share my troubles to say that i want to leave my husband.. I want to understand and make it better. I guess that could be a turn off though.. I feel people like drama and like hearing the bad side of things instead of the good. I don't. I wanna hear your good, your happy, your proud moments along with the bad. I'm going to tell you like it is. I'm going to tell you that you were a bitch to your sister. I'm going to tell you that shirt isn't flattering or those painted on jeans just don't flatter you. That's me... now.
I was reading that you can be desperate in any relationship. You can throw yourself at a person to be friends/close with them and it rubs people the wrong way. That after one 'outing/date' you are smitten  and will do anything to have that relationship... ding ding ding! That's me!! I will try so hard to be your friend that I come off really creepy because I'm so lonely!! I also don't feel I have a lot to offer. I was consumed with becoming a parent & I didn't make time for anything else. I like things but I'm not passionate about them. I haven't found my path.. but I'm trying!  I am desperate for a relationship, for someone to come over for coffee in my choais. I want to talk on the phone instead of texting. I want to shower you with flowers or your favorite book for your birthday. (because birthdays are important to me) but I want that back too. Maybe one day I'll bump into someone who is meant to be apart of my tribe. Maybe someone will see that my kids & I are worth the investment and that I have great intentions. Maybe one day I'll have that pray answered and find a friend to help guide me through this crazy life.

How do you make your friendships last? What are your qualities in a friendship?

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Wants vs Needs - Chapter 2&3

It's been about a week since a amazon truck has stopped at our house. I wonder if they worry when they don't visit our house? I mean we order, ahem I, order on a bi/daily basis. Before that we were in Texas for two weeks.. I'm surprised I haven't had anyone knock on my door to make sure we are ok.
Joking aside - around Christmas I wrote that I wanted to go a year without Amazon and obviously I failed. I wanna blame Little Miss for all her baby needs but honestly.. I'm weak. I mean getting three kids out of the house just to get a pacifier vs having it delivered to my door... well you can understand why i'm addicted to the little online cart.
We have worked SO hard to pay off all our 'extra' bills. We have done SO good! We went on vacation and basically paid for our whole trip from credit card points we had earned.. honestly. We went from six credit cards and two car payments to just having two credit cards! We have sacraficed a lot to make that happen.  Those will be paid off before Christmas. Aside from bragging rights.. I want to say that I had to really sit and prioritize my Needs from my Wants. Yes having some T-Shirt dress delivered to my door vs dragging three kids to go clothe shopping (which always ends up with them outfits and nothing for myself) is a regular thing I do... but it's not a NEED. I had to really buckle down and prioritize. What happened is that I also came to realize that my house is so full from impulse buys that I've actually wasted money. Yea it taste bad typing it.. I wasted money. I might well have thrown $600 in the street and burned it. What do I have to show? A 3rd generation Cameo that has been used ONCE.. but I just had to have it! I also splurged on a Bissell crosswave.. that literally just sits in a corner in my kitchen. (It's really hard to clean out EVERY TIME you use it with little kids... so I just grab the vaccum or the mop and move on).
My living room has two half shelves that are filled with kids toys. I have buckets of toys, books, stuffed animals.. not to mention little villages. It's not a brag, it's a explaination. Before Little Man was diagnosed with autism I bought anything he showed emotion or interest too! I was so desperate to find that toy.. that magical toy he'd play with. He just wasn't interested in anything.. so instead of selling it - I kept it. Then we found out we were having Little Man and now Little Miss and we haven't added a toy into this house in two years. Seriously. No lie. We have parties for the kids and ask people to NOT bring the kids anything because they have everything. We are also going to skip Christmas again for the same reason (plus the kids are small they will never know). From hand rattles to outdoor toys.. there is not a shortage. If you ask about a toy.. we probally have it.  Again not a brag. It's disgusting. Little Miss is about to be six months so now we, ahem I,  can really start purge through the toys and down down down size the mess. Little Man wants books.. he's all about books, Little Dude is all about trucks.. and Little Miss is well.. all about her feet.
Don't be fooled here..I do a lot of bargin shopping. I go to re-sale shops, I love garage sales and the marketplace app on Facebook is my newest love. After visiting so many houses on our trip I have realized that my husband is right and I have a problem. I've always wanted to be a minimalist. Like if you are and I visit your house... I envy you. I want five items on my counter.. just 5. SO referencing my new book 'Girl, Wash your face' by "Rachel Hollis" she says that we buy stuff to 'fit in for people we may or not even like simply to fit in' and I can see that. Another point is to follow your own rules or others wont follow your rules.. and that fits this portion of my life too. I'm sure if we scratch deep it's about my childhood somehow, most things are.. but I've got to put a stop to this. Just like in Chapter 2 when she decided that her Diet Coke had to go and she did it.. I must declutter and stop impulsing purchasing. My husband is all about saving money.. so this would help me get what I want and him get what he wants.
I also like that the book adds on that if we can't complete or own tasks and desires for ourselves - it's hard for others to do that too. So by not completing my to do list - its my fault. It also teaches myself that the things I say are important, ie: de-cluttering but then purchasing more stuff, my brain knows I'm lying. So with that lie creates the unwillingness to complete this task.
So my solution is .. I'm having a garage sale. I'm going to really go through cabinets and every nook and remove the clutter. I've already started donating but now it's time for the HUGE push. I set a date, I've been putting things aside (which is actually creating more clutter) and bought garage sale stickers so that I can label as I go. What doesn't get sold will be donated THAT weekend.
This is my omission to my need vs wants. This is my inner cry for de-clutter and organization I so desperatly want.  I also NEED to stop this urge for impulsing purchasing. It creates a huge issue in more then one compartment in my life.


Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Amy's journey of change.. chapter 1

A good friend of mine recently downloaded the audible book "Girl, Wash your face" by 'Rachel Hollis' and called to tell me that I had to read this book. Crazy enough - a month later I bought the book and I'm through the entry and the first four chapters.

I struggle with keeping it all together. I am having a hard time balancing cleaning the house, taking care of kids and staying on top of everything else. I never get a break.. and at times that causes chaois in the home.  The husband can relax and just lounge around all weekend. HE can play with the kids at his leisure and 80% of the time he takes the easy tasks. Don't get me wrong feeding and changing the baby is very helpful but I'd rather he change out the dishwasher and the washer/dryer while I feed the baby. While he is making our kids scream in delight and giggle.. I'm making dinner and missing out on the fun and y'all that makes me a little bitter. Please don't take this as an intro to "count the ways I hate my husband" because that is far from what I'm saying.  In addition to never feeling like I get a break.. I have a tendency to compare myself and make myself feel lesser then. Like "how can Susie's house look so perfect all the time? She has three kids.. I have three kids.. my house looks nothing like Susie's. What is is she doing that I am not?"  This very question passes through my head more then 100x a day and makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. 
In Chapter 1; pg 4 of this book she says "I want you to understand, my sweet, precious friend, that we are all falling short.""We live in a all or nothing society that says I need to look, act, think and speak perfectly or just throw in the towel and stop trying all together."  here is the part that made me literally break down... "some of you feel so overwhelmed by your life that you've given up. You're a piece of jetsam being tugged along with the tide. It feels too hard to keep up with the game, so you've quit playing. Oh, sure you're still here.  You still show up for work, you still make dinner and take care of your kids but you're always playing catch-up. You always feel behind and overwhelmed." <-- nail on the head this is exactly how I feel.  Pg 5 goes on to say that "this is your life. You are meant to be the hero of your own story." "When I say I'm unhappy, I mean discontented, unsettled, frustrated, angry - any number of emotions that make us want to hide from our lives instead of embracing them with arms wide open like a Creed song." 
I wanted to jump up & down with a big neon flashing sign and say "YESSS! This is exactly how I feel right now!" This! I wrote my friend and started saying exactly what I just typed above.. because I have never heard anyone else say this. It was so liberating to know someone else feels this way. Let't be honest - all social media is snipets of things that have made us happy that we want to share. People don't get on social media share a picture of their kitchen with dishes stacked up, piles of crap on the counters and laundry on the floor  and say.. "I just can't today folks.. I'm just gonna play with my kids in the backyard".. because we'd get ridiculed right and left.. be called everything from lazy to bad parents.. because we are so quick to judge what we don't know. You don't know what I go through  but you do know I have three small kids. You know I love them more then anything and fought to have them but you don't know that I struggle daily. I struggle with making daily 'to do lists' that never get completed, I struggle with feeling alone and isolated. I struggle with not having a tribe to ask for help and I struggle for the mom shaming that comes with asking for help. I mean heaven forbid I ask someone to watch my kids so I can get a break or just take ONE to the Dr without taking all 3. As one person told me.. I chose to have three kids so I should take the responsibility and take care of them and not expect other people to step in and help. Umm so that told me 2 things.. she wasn't someone I wanted in my inner circle and she was wrong. She is wrong in the fact that I don't expect help but it would be nice when I do ask. I don't expect  you to clear your schedule to help me but I don't appreciate you sending me the link to 'care.com' either.
At the end of the chapter it says: (PG 8) "You become who you surround yourself with. You become what you consume. If you find yourself in a slump or feel as though you're living in a negative space, take a good hard look at who and what you see every day."... ton of bricks.. there is just one problem.. I'm surrounded by my messy house and my kids. The kids bring me joy and my house gives me heart palpatations (slightly joking). My husband doesn't help me the way that I need but he does help me. My brother & SIL aren't expected to help but it's nice when they do. So it has to be the 'what' portion of this passage more then the 'who'. So I decided to limit my interactions on facebook and instagram.. maybe that will help the comparisons of others. Also on a passive aggressive note.. it's not like anyone talks to me anyway. Three or Four people tag me, comment or simply reach out to me anyway. It's not like me staying off facebook would change any interactions.. so again.. I feel very alone. I also think that I need a new facebook circle all together because I shouldn't feel this alone with 124 'friends'. I thought having kids would make me become more included but actually it's make me more isolated. Crazy.

I love my kids, I love my husband but things get overwhelming at moments. It would be nice to have a tribe to go to for strength and support. It would be nice to be able to get help when I need it and not feel so strapped. She is right in the fact that this is my life and I need to be my own hero in my own story. 

I hope you join me in reading this book, i hope this helps others jump in a share their feelings... and just maybe it will create a cool little tribe for us to go through this together.. i dunno... maybe.

Chapter 2&3 tomorrow.

Friday, September 7, 2018

We Survived our Road Trip

We survived our road trip!! We went from San Diego to Victoria, Texas and then down to Houston, Texas and back to San Diego. By car with 3 kids 3 and under and the kids did so great! They loved the hotel stays, which were plentiful, and they loved the attention from family. We had such a great time & I wish we could have stayed a little longer in the Lone Star State. Don't get me wrong, we had some bumps and bruises - even a urgent care visit for Little Dude - but overall the trip was great. I also discovered that the overall way Texans vs Californian's hold themselves is SO different. Meaning.. Texans are WAY more conservative in all manners then what we have been immersed in for 8 years. I think my eyes and heart really needed to see and digest this. I'm sure it will be a while before we take that trip again but it wasn't nearly as stressful as I thought it was going to be.



Now we are back home, back to the messy house, the crazy schedules and have fallen into the same routines in less then a week. Problem is .. we didn't have a great routine to begin with & my house stresses me out. A good friend came over yesterday and I was saying how I barely felt like I was surviving, like my head was barely above water, and my chore list just keeps growing. How my cluttered counters and my unchecked chore list are making me feel inadequate. She told me this.. "you are doing great! You have three kids who are happy & and fun to be around. You have a full house but who cares what your counters look like. If people are coming to see all the things that you don't do instead of all the amazing stuff that you actually do - they shouldn't be coming over in the first place!" I needed to hear that. I get so stressed out that I don't complete a daily chore list, and yes I make one for myself everyday, because of one reason or another. I'm going to keep working on that because I need to give myself a break but I need to hold myself accountable at the same time .. that's the hard line.


I think it's easy to fall into a routine with your spouse & forget to tell each other how great they are doing or how important they are. I lean more on being annoyed 24/7 because I feel I do more then he does and it leaves me jaded. I also don't hold into account that the works away from the house & he goes to college classes 2x a week. I really need to work on NOT being so hard on him b/c when the chips are down he's got my back.  I also don't think about the way I look much, until I see myself in a picture. I hate the way I look in a picture! "OMG is that really me?!" If I just stayed away from cameras I'd have the best self esteem - lol. Truth is.. I need to get back to the gym to simply take care of myself. It isn't to drop 30 pounds, which would be amazing, but to take care of me. To have that little carved out me time, to do something that benefits my whole family. If I get sick or hurt .. it's gonna hurt them all not just me.. and I want to set that example to my kids.

That's all I got this am folks. I gotta start getting these smaller kids up and start our day. I have been looking up a trip to 'schlitterbahn' in San Antonio, Texas as our next family trip but that may be a couple of years down the road. I think Little Miss needs to be almost 5 before we take that trip.. so we have a while. Hope y'all have a great weekend!

Monday, July 30, 2018

Weekend.


Friday I went to my primary Dr., PCM, and had a long sit down with him. I was so on edge because usually when I go it he is just eager to user me out of the office. This visit was no different. I went to the ER in Mid July and they decided that I needed my gallbladder removed b/c I have gallstones. So I decided to make a wellness visit. So the dude literally walks in the room holding my file and chatting about my ER visit. OK but that's not why I was there. So I tried to change the topic to my back like a thousand times but the dude wasn't interested in really listening to me. Everything I brought up came back to being a Mom of 3. He said that since I had all three kids so quickly that my body never had time to really heal itself. My core muscles of my stomach are so weak that they are now putting strain on my back. I can totally understand what he is saying there. So his recommendation was to join a gym .. do some yoga.. and go to physical therapy. I laughed.. snorted laughed.. like I have time for physical therapy!! BUT he said if I don't follow through with physical therapy then he wouldn't go any further into the back pain.  It wasn't a total loss and he wasn't really wrong.. but I thought he'd do more to help me out. He suggested I get back into the gym, take some time for myself - which I don't do b/c we are so busy - and make myself a priority for the kids sake.
The husband also wants to join the KETO ban wagon and I'd really like to do the PALEO diet again.. man those numbers on that scale were scary. I try to tell myself that they are just numbers.... but those were some large three digit numbers. I talked it over with the husband and I am just going to have to make time for  myself. The Y is open until 9 and I could go around 7pm and get a good two hour workout done. I need to find a good yoga class and with the help of the physical therapy ... hopefully I can start to feel some relief. 
Moving on here....
Our friends moved away to WA and we usually spend our weekends with them. So this weekend we tried something a little different. My brother & SIL took Little Dude on the San Diego "Jeep Run" and we made some fun for Little Man and Little Miss. We ran to the commissary for some fruits and veggies for the week. After that we were going to meet up with a friend at a local splash pad, but it was HOT. So I remembered a friend took me this awesome YMCA pool when Little Man was a baby, so I looked it up and we went. We took Little Miss with us and she even got in the water! I didn't even take my phone out of my bag - so no pictures but it was awesome! We were then planning on going to a frozen yogurt spot after that but my brother called to say there were heading home early and so did we. This single trip to the this water playland made me want to re-up my membership! It was so much fun & little man had SUCH a great time that I really want to do this again!

On Sunday we did some house chores and I got so much stuff done!! After nap time a friend met up with us and we went to get frozen yogurt and then to Kohl's for some school clothes for little man. The trip to the yogurt place with all 3 kiddo's was insane! I felt this crazy amount of pressure for my kids to be all proper and quiet.. which is crazy in itself..  but the kids had a blast. Isn't that what it's about?? I hate getting all worked up and missing the fun and then looking back  at the situation and seeing I was being crazy. We got some good photo's tho! Little Man, Little Dude and Little Miss.. all having a great moment at the frozen yogurt place.


Hope everyone is having a great Monday & had a great weekend!  I'm going to try and figure out how to create a 'vlog' and see if I can get that up this week. I gotta go start lunches for these cuties! Let me know you stopped by so I can say "HI" back!





Tuesday, July 24, 2018

July update

Hey ya'll!
This week, counting this past weekend, has been good and hard.
A very good couple friend of ours moved away this past weekend. They got orders to a new state and it was hella sad to see them go. We have been friends for over 7 years and they are also the god parents to our kiddo's.. to to wave them off was so hard. Not to mention that we have spent the past 5 weekends together and then they were gone... While I am excited for their new adventures and their new place is awesome.. I'm just sad they aren't a drive away anymore.
So to busy myself I cleaned my house this weekend. I worked on the kitchen decor and majority of my amazon purchases arrived on Saturday. We got some pool time in with the kiddo's and even little miss got to join the fun. I was happy to get some much needed organization done in the house and even happier that the organization has stuck! I'm not where near done but it's so nice to see some progress. During the prime day I snagged some new kitchen accessories in teal.. so I changed out the utensil holder, a new drying mat, a teal set of Pioneer Women knifes, and a teal bottle cap opener. I also ordered a new coffee container.. in teal.. and some dish clothes.
I also upgraded my iphone7 to the iphoneX - so that's been fun. I LOVE the portrait option on the camera.. my pictures of the kiddo's are boss! I also recently got a new laptop and settled for the chrome book - which has taken a lot of getting used too. I have to say that the laptop was probably a huge miss because I miss the functions of my toshiba SO much.  I actually have already looked at other laptops because I have a kind of a picture addiction and this isn't going to come close to holding my pics. BUT the husband purchased a i-cloud picture backup thing and that's working.
We have a 2 weeks until school starts and a month until we are in Texas! My 31 totes for our trip haven't arrived yet but I'm super excited about them. I think little man is ready for school and I have everything but his diapers purchased and labeled. Little Dude isn't going to know what to do with big brother at school everyday for three hours! So now I'm trying to find some fun things for us to do while brother is at school with little dude and little miss. Then right as we get our schedule down we'll head to Texas for almost three weeks. Them emerge ourselves back into a routine.
Life is never dull around here that's for sure... somewhere between school starting and our vacation I have to have my gallbladder removed.. so we are always doing something. I'm looking forward to our last couple of weeks of summer.
When does school start back for you?? What summer trip did you take this summer? What prime day specials did you find?

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Dr's & more Dr's

When I gave birth to little dude, via c-section, I started complaining my tailbone hurt. They contributed it to laying in the same spot for a couple of days. I was miserable and the answer was more meds. Time went on and my tailbone hurt more and more. Depending on your military insurance you can chose to have regular Dr's or Dr's on base. I have chosen Dr's on base and my Primary Dr just sucks. While I called everyday for a three week span for a canceled apt - I ended up finding out I was pregnant with Little Miss and nobody would look at my tailbone. So my pregnancy was murder on my back, several ER visits, more attempts to see my primary and fast forward to my 3 month postpartum mark and I'm still hurting. To manage my back pain I've been going to a chiropractor twice a week. They have deemed that I have a lower back issue and while I do get little relief, the visits are not enough. The chiropractor has told me that my left leg is shorter then my right, and that's crazy, but it was now time to seek out medical help outside of their office.
I have an appointment next week finally. While the basis of my visit is my tailbone, I have some other concerns to talk about too. I think my Primary see's me a silly housewife seeking for attention but I gotta a lot of different things going on man. Truth is it's so hard to get in to see him that I stack up a couple of concerns for when I actually can get in.
Last week my lower right abdominal area starting hurting, like close to my hip bone. I leaned over the washing machine and saw literal stars and was escorted to the ER. The ER couldn't find the source of the pain but did find that I have a fibroid mass in my uterus (thanks Depo shot) and that I have gallstones. Now I have to have my gallbladder removed and my pre-op appointment is Aug 16th. My back still hasn't been discussed.   My abdominal area is still hurting and their solution was Tylenol and ibuprofen... insert eye roll.
So with my gallbladder, a mysterious pain that's not my appendix, my tailbone... I have this pain on my left thumb that makes it hard to use my hand by the end of the day. It swells up, I can't wear my i-watch or my rings 50% of the time due to the swelling but I'm sure they'll say it's a form of carpal tunnel. 
To add to my growing list of concerns here, and feeling like I'm bordering sounding like a hypochondriac, I need to address my depression symptoms. I am not sure what the outcome out of that - aside from weekly therapy AGAIN. Which is annoying b/c they just wanna blame things on my husband or my Mom. Both contribute greatly but that can't be the underlying cause here. I also believe that everybody faces forms of depression and if everyone ran to a shrink.. well it would be insane. I'm sure that my anxiety is a form of depression or a sister form of it but dude I'm busy. I don't have time to go sit in a shrinks office for 45 min a day once a week. BUT my symptoms are getting pretty bad. The loss of desire to do anything, the fact that I keep admitting little to nothing keeps/makes me happy. The constant need to purchase something to feel the void for it to not be filled. I've also been aware that since little miss has been born I literally can't stand the sight of my husband some times. Like it's B-A-D... Insert another eye roll.
Getting older is hard but I've always believed it's mind over matter. I've always been pretty optimistic when it came to my health. Outside of infertility treatments and diabetes while pregnant, I've been pretty healthy. Going to Dr's and asking for help is hard. Doing all of this with tiny kids is harder but for them I gotta just do it..  ya know?
So there ya go.. I'm 36 and my body and mind are failing me.. just kidding. I think I should focus on the depression symptoms and the tailbone pain. I'm pretty sure I broke my tailbone ... again... and my goodness it hurts. That's what's going on with me... but of course that's just me.. I'll have to post and update on the kiddo's b/c Little Man has some great news!!

What are things you've put off going to the Dr for? Have you ever broken your tailbone? Have you had your gallbladder removed??





Sunday, July 8, 2018

treading life

My oldest baby turns 3 in just a couple of day. 3! On the same day my youngest turns 3 months old.
Crazy. I love being a Mom but I'm insanely tired. My house is NEVER clean .. ever. I feel like I do the same five things on a single loop the whole entire day. Did I mention I'm exhausted? I do manage to keep up with laundry and grocery shopping but that's about the extent of that. I do have a weekly schedule that I try really hard to stay on top of but I don't have a lot of room for extra's and when I do have the extra time is - I just wanna do nothing. I should be putting up laundry right now and cleaning our Master bedroom but here I sit.
I'm complained lately that I've lost my identity. I've wanted kids for so long and now that dream has come true.. it's kind of like now what? The husband & I have had a lot of talks about the next step but it comes with a lot of trepidation. I'd like to get my hair license and go back to work when Little Miss goes to school but I'm so worried about not being present. I know that Little Man is going to need a lot of extra special TLC and I want to be right there. I also know that we have apx 6 yrs left in the Navy life and we become 'retired' and move to that next chapter... but that feels like a whole book away. What I'm trying to figure out is what to do with these chapters I need to write now. Since my husband isn't moving forward like I am, I feel lost. For some reason I don't see just being a Mom a chapter but as a definition of who I have become.
I feel like I struggle a lot on what I think I should be doing and lose sight of the moments. I've also realized that very little leaves me content. The moment passes and I just remember all the negative and struggle to find the positive. That's hard when I know that I love my life. I just feel that I don't know how to be happy.. that's a hard realization. I'm tired of struggling, I'm tired of being tired and I just want my home to be peaceful and happy. I struggle with comparing everyone else to my current life... ie: her house is so clean, her kids are so well behaved.. why can't i? why don't i? Filling my life with a lot of plausability for error and failure when I know I'm doing the best i can. People have 3 kids and keep it together so what is wrong with me?
Everyone struggles and this shall pass. I'll pull up my boot straps and plow through. I'll look back at these moments and laugh at how naive and how silly I'm being. BUT at the moment this is real and it's a mind over matter game i feel I'm losing.
So please send me words of encouragement, send me ideas. Tell me I'm not alone. I wish more then anything else in this world that I had a group of friends who I can turn to and lean on right now. It just seems everyone is going through something and my stuff seems insignificant.

Inhale... exhale... 

Monday, May 28, 2018

house purging.

The husband & I have spent the past month purging the house.
I've always wanted to be a minimalist and I am faaaaaaaaaaaaaar from being one.
I woke up one day and decided that we needed to throw almost our whole house away. We've never really purged in the 7 years that we have lived here and have gone through multiple roomates - so it was time. We have done the first layer and now it's time to dig really deep and purge the 2nd layer. Ya know the tedious stuff like the medicine cabinets, the junk drawers, and the bathrooms cabinets.
I'm really questioning the counter stuff at the moment because the remodel of our kitchen is my next focus .. and for those with little kiddos you know that the counter is never cleared off.



I painted the hallway during my pregnancy with Little Miss and never finished painting into the living room. I removed all the beach decor from the house but I haven't figured out what direction I'll be doing next. I have found that I'm really in love with throw pillows but my, soon to be, 3 year old thinks they belong on the floor. (lol)
The plan for the kitchen is a pretty extensive makeover. We are going to build a pantry and add a lower level of cabinets. I want to paint the kitchen this white color called Swiss Coffee, which will be happening in the next couple of weekends. I'm trying to convince the husband to change the counter tops to this sparkling white quartz when we add the lower cabinets. I also want to make this country mirror display that I found on pinterest for our kitchen <above>. I'm also wanting to change the sink to a country sink and personally add a back splash.. like i said I have a pretty extensive list for the kitchen.
I'm a picture whore y'all. I love pictures and love canvas prints. It's almost an addiction. I've just got the problem of being selective with my kids pictures and I can't choose so I get them all.. no seriously. lol. I mean how do you choose? but I gotta. I'm easy to shop for though.. just get me a white picture frame - or a picture album - and I'm super excited.
The plan is go room by room and just revamp the rooms. The kid rooms wont change but our master needs a whole new everything. I'll also be creating Little Man his own big boy room/ABA room/play room after we get back from Texas. The husband wants the toys out of the living room but he'll have to agree to buy new living room furniture first.
I have a lot of plans for change and hopefully we'll complete this list in the next year. It's a lot and especially with three small kiddo's.. but I'll talk more about those changes in the next post.
Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Juggling.

Everyone is currently asleep and I needed a few moments to check in with you all. As it happens, tomorrow's topic for the writing promp helps catch you all up on our currently life. So here is the question:  What are things that you enjoy the most about your work right now?

I love being a Mom. I think it's the most rewarding position I've ever had. I love watching my babies. The funny thing about being a Mom is that you never feel like you are doing enough. The coolest part is that so far Little Dude and Little girl are on the same feeding schedule. Sounds hectic but really it's been a blessing. Little Dude doesn't really take bottles anymore but his nap schedule requires some milk. Since he is still on two a day naps.. well lets just say that it's what's keeping me sane. Little Miss has decided that her most active time of the day is during dinner time; so it gets a little hectic. I've managed to plan out dinners and start them a little early so that I can manage.
BUT as life would have it as soon as it seems I've got a handle on the juggle a couple of extra balls get thrown in. Little Man is starting ABA soon for the summer. We have assessments coming up and the first week in June we have his first school IFSP. I'm excited about the ABA, applied behavior analysis, to enter our lives for the summer. The ABA is meant to help us with the fundamentals of helping Little Man learn to make it through the next school year.
I love being a Mom. I haven't figured out all the life juggles yet. I haven't figured out how to keep a spotless house while managing every 3 hour feedings, plus fixing breakfast, lunch and dinner. I haven't figured out how to put away a basket of clothes in the same day it's washed and folded. I'm sure in the next couple of weeks i'll find my rythm. I'll find that sweet spot to guide me through the summer and then crash in the chaos of the next school year.
Meanwhile we have a lot of things happening ... little man's 3rd birthday is coming up, plus 4th of July, and the husband will be gone for six weeks. Then after his return we load up and drive to Texas for a couple of weeks. His Dad passed away last year and we are spreading his ashes, along with all the siblings, like his Dad wanted. I have a lot on my plate all leading up to August and I'm stressed but excited. I've also decided to add PIYO to my daily routine as soon as I'm cleared at my 6 Post Partum checkup - which will be during morning nap time.
There is so much about this life of being a stay at home that is simply demanding but I've never felt more centered in my life. I've dreamed of these days my whole adult life and honestly it's pretty amazing. I get frantic and overwhelmed from time to time but at the end of the day I love being a Mom to these three little kiddo's.

What are things that YOU enjoy most about your work right now??

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Writing prompt

 I found these writing prompts on pinterest and saved the individual months for the year. Since I have them all I thought I'd try using one of them.
May 09 is: What subjects did you study at school?

Well after High School I went to a junior college because my Mom was certain I wasn't smart enough for a university. Well that and she said that I couldn't do it and that it was too expensive to fail at. I did get my basics out of the way to transfer to a big university but I never pin pointed a major and therefore never went.  I wanted to be a Texas A&M alum but again never made it.

Ooh, if I could turn back time... I'd be a psychiatrist like I wanted when I was in High School. Again my Mom told me it was too much school and a lot of Math; Math wasn't my strong suit; so I should pick something easy like cleaning houses. I guess that's kinda what I did... being a housewife... haha. I did look in to psychiatric school a couple years back but I got pregnant with little man and put it on the back burner.

I later went to a trade school to be a insurance agent. Now I'm thinking about going to cosmetology school. I'd like a job with flexible hours for the kiddo's and I'd like to work after the husband retires in 6 yrs. Hell I'll be 42 by then.. so who knows if I'll accomplish any of my educational goals. The plan is to get my hair license at the very least .. so if i can do it before I become all geriatric.

This is a bitter topic b/c I did have plans for my life. I did want to accomplish things and have a career. I feel like I let me Mom get in my head and de-rail me into missing out. I've worked a ton of retail positions but never one that really required school and I never completed anything. I SHOULD have gotten my cosmetology license years ago.. I would have been a great at it. Now all I can do I picture me being the old Grandma at a young school and it makes me sad.

Hopefully I'll help build the path my children take. Hopefully I encourage them to reach any & every little goal they think of. Hopefully I can encourage them to accomplish life instead of being 36 and realizing there is more life that they missed out on. Hopefully I encourage them to join a trade school or a university and reach all the stars in the sky.


Monday, May 7, 2018

the hardest part of being a Mom

When I was in my 20's we went to this country bar. We all drank a little too much and drove home. One of the passengers in our vehicle was a Mom and she pleaded with us to pull over. Her stance was because she was a Mom her life meant something and it came off that she thought she was better then us. We made fun of her for the longest time using that line because nobody understood what she was saying because we weren't parents. Now fast forward 14 - 15 years and I'm a Mother of 3. NOW I completely understand what she was saying and she was right. Her life was 10 times more important then ours, it was more important then a couple of stupid 20 yr old driving drunk and with the possibility of it ending her life. And she was a single parent so her life wasn't 10 more important it was a billion. I haven't thought of that day for a long time but being a parent takes away that immortal armor we carry as youngsters. I never thought about mortality and I certainly didn't fear it. I never understood people who did until my first kid was born. I have never wanted to live more then I did after they placed that new baby in my arms. I have never been suicidal but I've never feared death until I did. It's pretty amazing how new life makes you wanna live but I'm also not naive to the fact that we wont live forever.
I started to believe that my fear of dying wasn't so much of the fact that I had kids as it was that I have a child with a disability that needs me. He needs me more then my other two kids will. He will need a place to live and a place to comfort him when the world is too much. I don't want my other two kids to think of their older brother as a 'burden' b/c we die early and they have to help him through life.. that's my job. I am doing everything I can to help him through life and will continue to do so/ but I can't shake that fear of not being here. Now, that doesn't mean that I love little man more - it's just stating that he may need some extra care as he gets older and I want to be here. I also understand that it's all out of my control too. As I was driving home the other day with Little Miss in my the car I started freaking out over the thought of a drunk driver, or someone running a red light. So it's not just for the fear of my oldest but for all my kiddos.
My husband is about to leave for the month of July and I want a break before he leaves. August is a very busy month for us and the only chance I have to break away is in June. So I have been planning a girls weekend at a local spa/resort to lay out by the pool and have the option of spa services if we desire. We all picked a weekend and I looked up the reservation information.. and it struck me. I can't possibly leave my three kids for two days and a night alone! They need me! My husband wont know what to do or what to say. He'll get short fussed and wont be able to handle it.. so I can't go. I might be able to slip away during nap time but he can't handle them through the night. So I'll go for the day and not spend the night.. yea that's what I'll do.. then I can drive back the next day and spend some time with the girlfriends who stayed... ...     insane!! My husband can lead over 30 people on a moving vessel... he most certainly can handle three calm kiddo's.  yes, I could drive home that evening and help him put the kids to bed and go back the next day ... but that's ludicrous. The hardest part of being a Mom, for me, is really understanding that I'm more then just a Mom. I need down time. I need breaks. I need to vent, to cry, to drink some wine, to soak in the tub 20 min longer, to let Dad get up with the kids on the weekend and sleep in a little. The little things I constantly talk myself out of.. dont' take a nap while all 3 kids are napping you need to mop the floor. No the floors can wait.. take that nap!

Being a Mom is harder then I thought but so amazingly rewarding. I've never understood that saying but now I get it. It's hard because our heads make it harder for us but our hearts are so rewarded on the daily things our kids accomplish. it's a tug of war. a inner tug of war. I get it. So to you all you Mom's out there.. you've got this. You are amazing. Enjoy that starbucks line while you kid is sleeping. Snooze the alarm and take that extra 5 minutes. Get a pedicure on your lunch break instead of making phone calls.. you need to take care of you too.



Sunday, April 29, 2018

introducing my daughter

Oh my goodness - I can't believe i wrote that last post before posting about the birth of my 3rd child!


My daughter was born April 12th @ 10:28am - she was 8lbs 14oz and 20 1/2 inches long. She is beautiful and look exactly like her brothers. We both came up with her name while I was pregnant with little man and once I found she was gonna be a girl we just went with it. Her middle name is after a good friend but also ends up being the husband and I's sisters middle names - total win!


So far being a parent of 3 is pretty simple. She is a super relaxed baby and hasn't kept us up all night once. The crazy part has been all the boys. Little Dude turned one 9 days after Little Misses birth & he is currently cutting teeth. So he is crying and whinny. He loves his sister but is super jealous at the same time. We have spent a lot of time protecting sister from little Dudes lovies. Little Man is super protective and super lovey.. we keep catching him playing with her feet or trying to give her a paci when she cries. It's been very cohesive aside from Little Dudes teething.


My husband has been helping with a lot of the post partum help/care. He is great with the kids and driving me nuts. He has no understanding of 'healing' time. We got in a arguement b/c he kept track of how many hours I slept for two straight days. Umm you are home so I can sleep, take some pain pills and survive the pain of pulling a kid out of my stomach (3rd c-section). He hasn't really done that since but he is wanting to just 'go go go' and I'm all damnnnn dude.. but he goes back to work this week.. I got two and half weeks of maternity leave. Crazy.



We are having little Dude's first birthday next weekend & I'll try to log in and share some pictures of the party. I'm sure it will be a blast! We are going to double up with Cinco de Mayo and have a taco train. Mixing the love of taco's with a transportation theme.


I just wanted to take a moment and update that little Miss has arrived. She is perfect and we are all doing good. Life has continued without issues and I'm very blessed.
Have a great week! 

Thursday, April 26, 2018

Oklahoma Sky

I have fallen madly in love with Miranda Lambert's music. I have downloaded and listened to every album relentlessly and I have really taken a liking to her newest album "The Weight of these Wings". During a shuffle sesh I came across this song that I literally had to pull over to listen too. It's off the "For the Record" album and it's called 'Oklahoma Sky'.


I can't pin point the wording that just stopped me.. but if I had to guess it's the second set of lyrics. "Lightening flashed, everything went silent. A feather could have knocked me to the floor. Missing piece was found, I was finally alive. Meet me under the Oklahoma Sky."

I often wonder what it would be like to cross that state line again. I often wonder what, if any, types of emotions would flood my body and soul. So many great memories - it's where I tell people I grew up. I got my first apartment, bought my first set of groceries, was independent for the first time in my life. I struggled, I prevailed, I struggled ( haha ). I was jobless, almost homeless but I never gave up. I learned to love the slow and quiet. I learned to love the outdoors and just take it all in. It's where I made some lasting adult friendships, it's where I found love, it's where I got married and my Dad walked me down the aisle. He'll never be able to do that again. Those memories are sacred.
There are also bad. the conflict and struggle with my ex husband. I wonder if I pulled into that church parking lot if I'd remember all those times I set in the empty parking lot screaming at my windshield and crying.   I wonder if all the sadness and all the grief would flood over me and make me so emotional. I wonder if I'd remember all the back roads and all the hidden gems I'd once found and loved. I wonder if thunderbird would hold the same amount of love that I once felt for it.
The night's we spent around a fire talking, the afternoons we spent on the lake. The weekend barbque feasts we'd throw down - which we couldn't afford but did anyway. The friendships and bounds I thought would have lasted forever. Truth is towards the end I became so insanely unhappy & I just wanted out. I wanted out of every relationship and I just wanted to disappear. I think once I lost my job in 2010 it was the catalyst opportunity to run and I did. I never looked back.. until recently. My life has flourished and matured in ways I never thought possible. We are always in a state of growth and I'm for contempt to be in the place I am now. So when the husband & I talk about his retirement and where we are going to settle down - I often bring up Oklahoma. One of these days he may just agree to it but until then I'll continue to wonder how my heart would react to being back across that State line. Although I was born in Texas I often say I grew up in Oklahoma.. I look forward to showing my kids one day where that all took place.

I'll make it back one day.. I'll cross that state line.. I'll say my apologies for the way that I left and beg forgiveness underneath the Oklahoma Sky.


Monday, April 2, 2018

vent sesh.....

I'm not a 'Snowflake' by society's means but I due tend to have a lot of complaints under my belt. Lately though it's been really hard to push down the hurt, anger and disappointment. So I'm gonna vent for a moment.. A couple nights ago I was pretty sure I was going into active labor. So a good friend took me to the L&D while the husband stayed with the kids and got some sleep. The reason he stayed behind was because all of this is was after I ate dinner and would have to wait apx 8 hours to have a c-section anyway so the husband might as well get some rest. I mean I was going to stay hooked to a IV so he might as well be rested. Anyway.. the point isn't to explain why he didn't take me. The smug triage nurse was sure I was in 'false' labor and they did a cervical check to find that I wasn't dilated and the baby was facing posterior. So they sent me home apx an hour later and told me to try and wait it out for our scheduled c-section. I was so disappointed because I was really hoping I'd have this baby before April and I'm tired of being pregnant.

Once home I realized that I was struggling with the disappointment of a lot of things centered with this pregnancy. Silly or not there seems to be a lot of resentment towards my 'family'; which is really non existent outside of this home anyway. I'm going to try and spell this all out anyway... bare with me.  So if I would have had baby girl that night we would have been expected to make various phone calls to various people announcing her arrival. These people, well my side, don't call, don't text.. we aren't included in anything family.. we just exist in Cali. They do comment on instagram or facebook about my kids from time to time.. esp about little dude...  but they aren't there for me when I need support. So my question was why? why call?  why exchange these happy moments with people who don't really care - they just want to be informed.  Like my Mom would be absolutely ballistic if we posted the birth on facebook without calling her. but why should I feel expected to call someone who NEVER calls me and when I do call seems to want to just jump off the phone? The ONLY sibling I'm close to from my adopted side, got a job and now doesn't have time to talk on the phone or text me. Actually every time I've called in the past month she answers and hangs up without explanation . So I'm furious over the expectation of notifying them of the babies birth when they can't even have a conversation with me outside of that. BUT If I don't call them .. it's going to be verbal and mental assaults via phone and text like it was when little man was born. (YES I've actually been on this EXACT cross roads when my first child was born). So do I call out of respect (which they don't respect me) or do I just stick to my guns and say .. no I'm not calling.

Second. I'm disappointed we didn't have a celebration or a baby shower. I mean this IS a child that was created from natural circumstances.. not infertility treatments.  I guess the overall problem is that I 'expected' something from our close friends. I 'expected' a little get together or a little celebration. I 'expected' someone to care and be thrilled that we accomplished the unthinkable. It's not about receiving a gift.. it's about celebrating and being present for the moments. Maybe because I host for the 'events' I 'expected' someone to take the lead on this one. So yea I'm really butt hurt that we didn't get a celebration dinner or baby shower.

Third. When little dude was born apx a year ago.. I had a hard time with people coming to stay with me to help with little man. My husband was on deployment and I ended up having to need a c-section because we had placenta previa - which means the placenta was down by the uterus instead of the belly button. I ended up begging and convincing three people to come out and bought two of the three plane tickets. The second person who came out constantly complained that she didn't even know why she was there b/c I was up moving around. I swear to you that I tore my inner stitch and I had so much trouble healing but the Dr's wouldn't listen to me. So I am so thankful she was here b/c I swore the out stitch was going bust open if I lifted little man. Anyway so a year later and here we are.. the husband isn't deployeed but we can't get anyone to come out and help. Which also means that nobody is excited enough about the babies birth to be here. That sucks guys.
Think about that..  my Mom doesn't want to come, my sisters don't want to come.. so I constantly have to explain to my OB team that I will not have any family come out for this babies birth. It's sad. It's horrifically sad. I'm not important enough, my kids aren't important enough, for lives to be inconvenienced to share a special moment like a BIRTH OF A CHILD. I also don't know if anyone reading this is familiar but military husbands only get TEN DAYS of baby leave. So I have TEN days to heal from a third c-section before he returns back to work.. TEN! With all of this I still can't convince family to come help but they want a phone call the moment she is born. ppsssh.
So now I'm faced with relying on local friends - who also have jobs and kids.. to help me through the first three weeks (at least) so that I can attempt to find a normal to having three kids. So why on earth would I be angry or upset you ask? {insert rolling eyes}. I feel ten days is a little unrealistic.... but it's being changed but wont be in effect for us.

So maybe I'm a horrible sibling and that's why they wont help. Maybe it's because we all live so far away and I'm the only one who travels to see them. Maybe it's because I do so much on my own already that it doesn't seem that I really need help. Maybe it's because I'm never around for holiday's that I've been unmissed for years. I'm personally torn in just making a simple minute phone call when I feel it's not warranted.

ugh. adulting is hard. I wish i was 20 something again and didn't care what other people thought.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

count down to 3

I can't believe that in a short couple of weeks we will have another baby! I'm terrified of having a little girl but so ready to  not be pregnant anymore. All the little things are done and I can't begin to explain how incredibly tired my body is. I put her side of the 'go bag' together yesterday & I need to work on my side. I'd like to prepare a couple of meals to freeze to have through the post partum side; which should be done this weekend. I'm also trying to squeeze in a trip to see the Easter bunny because she literally can come at anytime now. Yea know I'm not really big on Easter but those pictures are pretty important to me. I really have no interest in doing a basket, or dying eggs, or any of it... it's just a 'neeh' holiday for me.
What seems like a million years ago - I wanted nothing more then to have life growing inside me.. now I'm about to join the 3 under 3 club and I'm 'all good'. While that can be heard as a complaint.. no it's not.. I'm just over being pregnant for two years straight. Even though she wasn't planned.. I'm excited that we are on this journey - if I had gotten a vote.. I would have wanted a little more time in between pregnancies but hey. I'm sad that so much of little Dudes first year included being pregnant again & I feel he got really overlooked. He sure is a happy little Dude tho... so I must be doing something right.
So what now? What happens when my uterus is closed for good? Is it closed for good? We have talked about a potential #4 but that's gonna be a couple years down the road... 1.5 tops. I am leaving it as a possibility - not getting my tubes tied in other words - but totally ok if we don't do this again. I like knowing that we have the option if we so choose. I keep telling people that we had agreed that we were done when little Dude was born. Then we crossed the line into natural conception and that kinda changed our stance. We both said we wanted 4 kiddo's ... I just want a break in between kids before we decided if we move forward with a potential 4. I'm actually really shocked in how many people - strangers included - ask us about a #4. All I can say is .. I dunno.
Little Man starts school in August; early start as it's called. I know we need to start a form of ABA services for little Man after little Miss is born as well. His final diagnosis should be delivered to us this coming week. We have his first IFSP meeting next week & I'm actually really nervous about that. I'd like to enroll Little Dude and Little Miss into the Y while brother is in school. That way I can catch a break and actually get into a healthy place again. I'm really big in water safety so the two youngest need to be enrolled in swim lessons. I'd also like to get little Man back into swim lessons as well & introduce him to gymnastics.
We are planning a trip to Texas in August; which I'm excited about. We wont be staying with family, in Houston, this time around so I'm hoping to see more people and tour the city. I'd also like to make it up to Oklahoma & Arkansas soon but it's wont be during this trip in August. 
We have 7 years left in the Navy & by all accounts will more or less be in San Diego for all of them. Then ... I dunno. I wanna move south and put down roots. We've talked about Oklahoma, Nebraska, Texas & staying where we are. The kids will be under 8 & it should be easier to transition to a new location at that point. I'd like to go to school and get my cosmetology license so I can go back to work after little Miss gets into school full time. I just wanna get a chance to see Hawaii and possibly Maine while he is still in. I actually want to do his last couple of years stationed in Hawaii but he has firmly said no to that.
So right this very second I'm fighting contractions, lower back pain and fatigue. I'm dealing with a almost 3 year old who doesn't sleep more then 5.5 hours on average. I'm dealing a an almost 11 month old who is on the verge of walking. My body & my mind are exhausted and it's just going to be even more exciting soon. I'm just hoping that I can schedule some time for a pedicure before little miss is born.. which I honestly don't think it much longer. I'd say within the next couple of weeks.. and yes that means I'm still hoping for a March baby instead of another April baby. Little Man was 39.5 weeks, little dude was 37.6 weeks and we are just entering in 36 weeks today with little Miss.. so again.. we are close!
Hope everyone has a great week... ooh St Patty's day is coming up quick! I'll try to post again before Little Miss arrives.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

I survived

Back in August I wrote this post: August Update about the plans I had for this deployment. Now that we are coming to a end .. yep an end.. I'm proud to say that we accomplished a lot on that list!!

I did replace the kitchen table & the area rug. I also saved a lot of money & paid a lot of stuff off. We also found out shortly after that August post that we were expecting our third child, which to say we were shocked in a understatement. I'm about to hit my 30 week mark in a couple of days.. hard to comprehend. Wish I had gotten some of the meal planning and snack prep done like I had wrote about. That's a goal for the next chapter tho.. yea?

I'm stupid excited he is going to be home. I've never felt so alone & I have these past couple of years. Each deployment brought light to my life of solidarity with the kiddo's. It's hard stuff getting super active kids going & being so gigantically pregnant. I have had some good friends help me out through this and I'm grateful but it's left me wanting more. It's also left me itching for new orders to a new state - even with the pro's vs con's. The people helping me through during the last part of 2015-2017.. those people aren't even around. Each deployment brought and took people even when I prayed for stability. It's also cause for self reflection in a lot of ways.

I have a lot of things on the burners right now. We have maternity pictures, we have our stay-cation, we have a baby shower, we have little Dude's first birthday all before the princess is born. I also gotta finish putting her nursery together and start finalizing the go bag. The Dr's did schedule little princess' c-section for April 12th; so that's exciting. I have a feeling she's gonna arrive earlier so I wanna be prepared.

I gotta go knock out the rest of the laundry and clean up the kitchen. It's going to be a crazy busy weekend so I gotta step in front of this avalanche now. Oh... GO EAGLES!

Amy