Sunday, January 28, 2018

See me now?

I feel invisible.
Outside of my kids I am alone. It's rare for someone to reach out to me for companionship. So what does that say about me? I reach out to at least three people a day, not the same three people... I do have people I consider 'friends' but I guess I'm looking for a unicorn friendship. I want more and that's annoying because I'm not sure it's achievable where I am. I'm not talking about physical location (but I'm sure that's a factor) but I'm talking about all the elements. Maybe I haven't grown enough, maybe I need to keep working on who I am. I just have never had a real issue with friends but then again I haven't had a 'best' friend since my early 20's. That's what I want. I want a bestfriend - can I say that? I'd like to have someone to call when my world seems heavy, I'd like someone to call when i feel so stuck and blue, I'd like someone who took a moment to understand my world with Little Man & not have to explain and defend all the time. It would be nice to complain about my husband with someone on my team while knowing I love the man to death. It's SUPER easy for me to go down the negativity slide but I'd like someone to reign me in. My husband is good about that to a point but contrary to popular belief, my husband isn't perfect. He slays his own demons daily & his biggest one is money. It's a crazy financial slippy slide for him & I dangerously tiptoe around that as often as I can. I think with back to back deployments there has only been one constant in my every changing life. 
I just don't have anything to say past my kids. I don't do anything, I'm not in a group or having any BIG interests. A book club would be nice, two birds with one stone kinda thing. I'd like to be apart of a monthly GNO type of group but I'm not big on drinking outside of the house. I really would like to find parent friends. One of my biggest let downs is that I don't have friends that have kids Little man or little dude's ages. It doesn't have to be exact but mostly everyone we know have a older daughter, which isn't a bad thing either. I'd like to find someone with a kiddo around little dude's age, he needs it the most. Little Man is so into his own little world that I feel Little Dude really needs some 'same age play time'. Again it comes down to common interests and personal beliefs. I lose people at those two areas.
Oh, I'm so tired of all the endless suggestions - like I haven't thought of them myself. Like daycare.. why on earth would I pay for daycare to socialize my kids when there are stay at home parents all around. It seems crazy that I have to pay for my kids to socialize when other's don't. (Did I just sound like a millennial?) I'm serious tho! I've tried the weekly Mom groups through church and other sources. We aren't a run to "SeaWorld every Friday family but I do enjoy a good zoo day. I want park days and swim days. I want hang out in our living room days and swing in the back yard days. I dont' want to spend money to spend time with you. You also have to take into account that we have a crazy week schedule. We go to Occupational therapy once a week & speech therapy twice a week. Then we have errand/ grocery day.. and Wednesday are 'we aren't getting out of our jammies day'. Maybe this is the next chapter for me. To become more approachable, more realistic, more open to finding things that make me .. well me. I'm not opposed to growth, but I'm really tired of being alone and feeling invisible.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

ten days in

Well hello.

We are 10 days into 2018 and I wanted to recap how I'm doing with my 'goals'. I also want to add to those who are already discouraged.. it takes 21 days to break or create a new habit. So if you have gone back to your old ways.. correct it and keep going the way you wanted. Redirect yourself. Don't let a fail hold you back!!

Goal 1: So my husband is still deployed and I feel that I have been nicer to him. Ive been listening to him more. It's hard to give up all my foundations to mold to his but I'm trying. It's also hard for me to run a household for almost 2 years and welcome him back to change things up. It's extremely hard. My husband is very financially directed & he'll give up every luxury in the world to stay where he wants too. It drives me insane - I''m more of the pay bills first and live your life & that drives him nuts.  I'm not a saver, penny pincher, budgeter.. I try but I'm just not. I don't understand knowing gas pricies b/c it's something that you need. Driving 20 min out of your way for .20 is ridiculous to me.. but my husband will go the extra miles for the cheaper price tag. I am trying to follow a budget, to create goals.. I need to have goals. I need to have rewards.. I need to pay a bill off and reward myself. My husband doesn't understand that

Goal 2: has been a lot more challenging. I did, however, order a 3rd trash can so that I can start purging. So there is a plus to that. I have also purged the garage and my sons clothing.

Goal 3: this one has been a great win. I've paid off 5 store cards and 1 credit card. I've started a savings too.  My goal is to close the 4 of 5 store cards and the 1 credit card. I did create a budget as I mentioned above also but the husband wants to revise it when he gets home.

Goal 4: the only thing I've managed is to remove my cc's from the checkout page. I've ordered from them since new years. It's so darn addictive! I have no self control when it comes to NOT getting two kids out and still getting your items. Like I just got 2 car seats for the price of 1! That;s a great deal and it was shipped to my door! i know I know.. I gotta stop using them. This is going to be my hardest goal... I'm telling you.

How have you guys done with your goals? Anyone still strong 5 days in?