Sunday, January 28, 2018

See me now?

I feel invisible.
Outside of my kids I am alone. It's rare for someone to reach out to me for companionship. So what does that say about me? I reach out to at least three people a day, not the same three people... I do have people I consider 'friends' but I guess I'm looking for a unicorn friendship. I want more and that's annoying because I'm not sure it's achievable where I am. I'm not talking about physical location (but I'm sure that's a factor) but I'm talking about all the elements. Maybe I haven't grown enough, maybe I need to keep working on who I am. I just have never had a real issue with friends but then again I haven't had a 'best' friend since my early 20's. That's what I want. I want a bestfriend - can I say that? I'd like to have someone to call when my world seems heavy, I'd like someone to call when i feel so stuck and blue, I'd like someone who took a moment to understand my world with Little Man & not have to explain and defend all the time. It would be nice to complain about my husband with someone on my team while knowing I love the man to death. It's SUPER easy for me to go down the negativity slide but I'd like someone to reign me in. My husband is good about that to a point but contrary to popular belief, my husband isn't perfect. He slays his own demons daily & his biggest one is money. It's a crazy financial slippy slide for him & I dangerously tiptoe around that as often as I can. I think with back to back deployments there has only been one constant in my every changing life. 
I just don't have anything to say past my kids. I don't do anything, I'm not in a group or having any BIG interests. A book club would be nice, two birds with one stone kinda thing. I'd like to be apart of a monthly GNO type of group but I'm not big on drinking outside of the house. I really would like to find parent friends. One of my biggest let downs is that I don't have friends that have kids Little man or little dude's ages. It doesn't have to be exact but mostly everyone we know have a older daughter, which isn't a bad thing either. I'd like to find someone with a kiddo around little dude's age, he needs it the most. Little Man is so into his own little world that I feel Little Dude really needs some 'same age play time'. Again it comes down to common interests and personal beliefs. I lose people at those two areas.
Oh, I'm so tired of all the endless suggestions - like I haven't thought of them myself. Like daycare.. why on earth would I pay for daycare to socialize my kids when there are stay at home parents all around. It seems crazy that I have to pay for my kids to socialize when other's don't. (Did I just sound like a millennial?) I'm serious tho! I've tried the weekly Mom groups through church and other sources. We aren't a run to "SeaWorld every Friday family but I do enjoy a good zoo day. I want park days and swim days. I want hang out in our living room days and swing in the back yard days. I dont' want to spend money to spend time with you. You also have to take into account that we have a crazy week schedule. We go to Occupational therapy once a week & speech therapy twice a week. Then we have errand/ grocery day.. and Wednesday are 'we aren't getting out of our jammies day'. Maybe this is the next chapter for me. To become more approachable, more realistic, more open to finding things that make me .. well me. I'm not opposed to growth, but I'm really tired of being alone and feeling invisible.

1 comment:

  1. Oh how my heart breaks to read this. What military spouse cannot say they have not felt this at some point in a career. Deployment is such a funny thing. Sometimes you do so well and some deployments can be so very dark/lonely. You can be in the same duty station for several deployments and each deployment is so different. I'm such a huge proponent for counseling and there are so many options available to us (military families). It might be helpful to find someone trained in listening to talk to, just to vent, and compartmentalize exactly what you are saying here. The difference is that person can give you feedback from a really large database of information on coping and making steps forward. Military One source offers options for facetime/telephone/ in person/etc counseling and it's free. We have a tendency to think we should or can handle this alone but deployment and military life in general is really really hard. Please feel free to reach out to me and I would be happy to listen to you. I don't want any of my military sisters to feel alone when they don't have too!