Monday, April 2, 2018

vent sesh.....

I'm not a 'Snowflake' by society's means but I due tend to have a lot of complaints under my belt. Lately though it's been really hard to push down the hurt, anger and disappointment. So I'm gonna vent for a moment.. A couple nights ago I was pretty sure I was going into active labor. So a good friend took me to the L&D while the husband stayed with the kids and got some sleep. The reason he stayed behind was because all of this is was after I ate dinner and would have to wait apx 8 hours to have a c-section anyway so the husband might as well get some rest. I mean I was going to stay hooked to a IV so he might as well be rested. Anyway.. the point isn't to explain why he didn't take me. The smug triage nurse was sure I was in 'false' labor and they did a cervical check to find that I wasn't dilated and the baby was facing posterior. So they sent me home apx an hour later and told me to try and wait it out for our scheduled c-section. I was so disappointed because I was really hoping I'd have this baby before April and I'm tired of being pregnant.

Once home I realized that I was struggling with the disappointment of a lot of things centered with this pregnancy. Silly or not there seems to be a lot of resentment towards my 'family'; which is really non existent outside of this home anyway. I'm going to try and spell this all out anyway... bare with me.  So if I would have had baby girl that night we would have been expected to make various phone calls to various people announcing her arrival. These people, well my side, don't call, don't text.. we aren't included in anything family.. we just exist in Cali. They do comment on instagram or facebook about my kids from time to time.. esp about little dude...  but they aren't there for me when I need support. So my question was why? why call?  why exchange these happy moments with people who don't really care - they just want to be informed.  Like my Mom would be absolutely ballistic if we posted the birth on facebook without calling her. but why should I feel expected to call someone who NEVER calls me and when I do call seems to want to just jump off the phone? The ONLY sibling I'm close to from my adopted side, got a job and now doesn't have time to talk on the phone or text me. Actually every time I've called in the past month she answers and hangs up without explanation . So I'm furious over the expectation of notifying them of the babies birth when they can't even have a conversation with me outside of that. BUT If I don't call them .. it's going to be verbal and mental assaults via phone and text like it was when little man was born. (YES I've actually been on this EXACT cross roads when my first child was born). So do I call out of respect (which they don't respect me) or do I just stick to my guns and say .. no I'm not calling.

Second. I'm disappointed we didn't have a celebration or a baby shower. I mean this IS a child that was created from natural circumstances.. not infertility treatments.  I guess the overall problem is that I 'expected' something from our close friends. I 'expected' a little get together or a little celebration. I 'expected' someone to care and be thrilled that we accomplished the unthinkable. It's not about receiving a gift.. it's about celebrating and being present for the moments. Maybe because I host for the 'events' I 'expected' someone to take the lead on this one. So yea I'm really butt hurt that we didn't get a celebration dinner or baby shower.

Third. When little dude was born apx a year ago.. I had a hard time with people coming to stay with me to help with little man. My husband was on deployment and I ended up having to need a c-section because we had placenta previa - which means the placenta was down by the uterus instead of the belly button. I ended up begging and convincing three people to come out and bought two of the three plane tickets. The second person who came out constantly complained that she didn't even know why she was there b/c I was up moving around. I swear to you that I tore my inner stitch and I had so much trouble healing but the Dr's wouldn't listen to me. So I am so thankful she was here b/c I swore the out stitch was going bust open if I lifted little man. Anyway so a year later and here we are.. the husband isn't deployeed but we can't get anyone to come out and help. Which also means that nobody is excited enough about the babies birth to be here. That sucks guys.
Think about that..  my Mom doesn't want to come, my sisters don't want to come.. so I constantly have to explain to my OB team that I will not have any family come out for this babies birth. It's sad. It's horrifically sad. I'm not important enough, my kids aren't important enough, for lives to be inconvenienced to share a special moment like a BIRTH OF A CHILD. I also don't know if anyone reading this is familiar but military husbands only get TEN DAYS of baby leave. So I have TEN days to heal from a third c-section before he returns back to work.. TEN! With all of this I still can't convince family to come help but they want a phone call the moment she is born. ppsssh.
So now I'm faced with relying on local friends - who also have jobs and kids.. to help me through the first three weeks (at least) so that I can attempt to find a normal to having three kids. So why on earth would I be angry or upset you ask? {insert rolling eyes}. I feel ten days is a little unrealistic.... but it's being changed but wont be in effect for us.

So maybe I'm a horrible sibling and that's why they wont help. Maybe it's because we all live so far away and I'm the only one who travels to see them. Maybe it's because I do so much on my own already that it doesn't seem that I really need help. Maybe it's because I'm never around for holiday's that I've been unmissed for years. I'm personally torn in just making a simple minute phone call when I feel it's not warranted.

ugh. adulting is hard. I wish i was 20 something again and didn't care what other people thought.

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