Monday, September 24, 2018

Parenting.

Hope you all have had a great restfull weekend! If you are catching back up with me I have been reading a book .. kinda a self help book if you will.. and it's amazing. It's about the lies we are told and believe and how it hurts us from being our best self. So feel free to go back and read my last couple of posts and join in with me.
Chapters 8 of "Girl, Wash your face" by 'Rachel Hollis'brush on parenting.
Chapter 7 is about sex. I don't want to talk about my sex life at this moment so i'm going to skip over to the parenting chapters. Chapter 8 is about the expectations of newborn bliss and all that goes wrong. I have a 3 yr old, a 17 month old, and a 5 month old. Yes, I'm busy.. ha ha ha... I get so tired of hearing that. Anyway.. you'd think that with kid #3 I'd be a pro! Wrong! I look up milestone schedules every week. I can't remember what a 5 month old is 'supposed to do'. Hell I can't remember what a 4 month old is supposed to do and we just graduated from it. People often scoff when I say that.. but hell life happens and that's not what I stored in my memory bank. I'm currently worried because she hasn't 'rolled' over yet. She hates .. loathes.. tummy time and back time. She sailed right into a jumper and loves the heck out of it. The problem is she has great neck muscles but she isn't mastering the skills she needs on her back and tummy.
The book talks about remembering that life with a infant are 2 things.. the baby and you. Not the laundry, not the cleaning.. the baby & you. So if you are happy, healthy and well rested (snort) then you are more productive and attentive. True. Your kids sense your stress and they react. True. My 'problem' is .. in my house I do it all. I clean, I cook, I run the errands, I bathe the kids, I buy the clothing, I scold, I kiss the owies and I fold the clothing. While this is not intent to be disrepectful to my husband, who does help in his own way, it's not checking off my 'to do list' boxes. So while the clothes are drying and the dishwasher is going.. I lay on the floor and play with my two youngest while my oldest is at school. I sing, I dance, I rattle toys.. I play 'ready set go" down the hallway.. but when those timers go off.. I'm at the next task. I feel if the the daily chore list isn't complete then it looks bad on me. That if I let one thing slide.. it effects another and I won't be able to bounce back.  That is a false reality. I try so hard to fill my kids love tanks. I try so hard to give each child individual attention. I struggle with this so much.. so much. I find that I give into idle time (facebook) instead of what could be given to them and it is promised to be fixed but habits are hard to break.
I have a special needs child. I have a child who requires A LOT of attention. I have a child who has therapy - speech and OT twice a week, he has ABA .. a therapist that comes to our house EVERY DAY to work with him over temperment and life skills and he has school for three hours a day. In THOSE three hours I have to get grocery shopping done, errands ran, appointments made.. and anything that needs to be done outside the home. Plus everything from the previous paragraph. To be fair we don't run errands everyday. Then once he gets home we eat lunch.. fight to do nap time.. and then off to our next therapy session. To come home and be thrown into night schedule. That leaves very little time for the two youngest.  Let me say again that I use my 'idle' time very unwisely and I'm working on that.
This chapter talks about all the ways you can feel like a failure. It talks about ways that you forget about yourself, that you forget about your husband.. that you forget about sex.. that you forget about anything outside of the humans you have created. That we are wound so tight on schedules and formalities that we simply don't enjoy our kids. She talks about how crazy she went when her husband said he was tired when their first son was 6 weeks old. AND how we are so tired of doing something wrong, or that the baby is up to par, or that something may be wrong with her children. She goes on to talk about post-partum and how dark it got for her.
She also touches on comparison. LET ME TELL YOU.. that's a slippery slope. I have this one girl that I insta stalk. She is bad for me. She is the picture of perfection.. in her posts. I don't know her very well outside of instagram, being honest, but her post paint a life of perfection. This girl has gardens, cuts up food in animal shapes, has organic foods.. she is the perfect wife. Her kids never get out of hand, the PTA Mom of the year.. and she has multiple kiddo's. Again.. what she posts are pictures of perfection not mishaps, not piles of laundry. No no no.. her house is a picture our a magazine. Every room she shares is perfection! Not a pillow out of place. Her kids rooms are decorated flawlessly. I can go on and on and on.. but she has become my 'mirror mom'. The Mom that I put myself up against to replicate. The Mom that I think I want to be so badly but wont be. It's dangerous. It's dangerous because one cheery post about her door design for her kids home room was jaw dropping and defeating. My husband told me  a couple of weeks ago.. yea but she has help.. She has her parents, her siblings, and she doesn't have a special needs child. Her life isn't yours. So two points on THAT sentence. 1. I do NOT ever see my son as a hinderance or a burden. I do NOT complain or gripe about anything to do with his therapies. I do NOT think of him as our exception to the rule or that feel sorry for me card. Do NOT pitty his life.. he is brilliant and he is funny and he is my whole world. So please don't read that and think that we are using it as a extra card.. we treat him like our other children who has special requirements to help us manage our world with him. 2. I do NOT feel sorry for myself. Not having my family close to help is a blessing not a hiccup. It's just a eyeball comparison of our lives. It's a point to say that we shouldn't compare ourselves to anyone. Do the best you can do and move forward. That's it. It's that simple. Stay away from comparisons and do you. That is beautiful. The last point from chapter 8 is this.. "The God who made the moon and the stars and with mountains and oceans, the Creator who did all of those things, believed that you and your baby were meant to be a pair. That doesn't mean you are going to be a perfect fit. That doesn't mean you wont make mistakes. It does mean that you need not fear failure because you can't fail a job you were created to do." PG 87.

I hope you read this book, I hope my posts are helping someone out there. I hope that this isn't annoying.. haha. I hope that one day I'll look back and see the effort I'm putting in myself to become who I want to be. Someone my kids will want to be. My biggest defeat will be to have my kids feel about me the way I feel about MY parents. I want to do everything in my power to make them NOT feel the way I did as a child and now as an adult.

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