Friday, September 21, 2018

the past

It's so easy to carry our past into our present. It's so easy to float back to that day 10 years ago that still makes you cringe. It's hard to not think about a choice you made and wonder how it ultimately altered your path. It is. I often wonder how different my life had been if I had taken that job in CA when I was 20 instead of moving to Oklahoma. I often wonder if I had had the guts to say no at the alter of my first marriage - like I wanted - how it would have changed who I am now. While I believe all the paths we take create the person we are today.. it's hard not to sit and wonder what if!
I urge you to not do that. It can't be healthy. I think we lose the mindset that we are given a new day to be the person we want at every sunrise. I often forget that the day ends when the sun goes down. You can't go back and re-do. You can't unhave that fight, you can't unrun that red light, you can't go to that friends party instead of staying home in jammies. All you can do is remember the outcomes of those situations moving forward and alter them.
Everyday I go to bed and pray that God helps me be a better Mom tomorrow. Everyday I pray that God gives me a little more insight into understanding Autism so I can help my son. Everyday I pray that play with the kids a little more instead of stressing about house chores. Everyday I write my to do list and scold myself for it not being completed. Everyday I wonder if Little Miss is getting the same attention her brothers did and worry she's not hitting milestones due to my negligence.
We are already so fragile, depleated, overwhelmed, anxious for the next trip or day off. There is no reason to throw that extra beat yourself session up everyday.  There just isn't.
My goal as a parent is to be a better parent then I had. Everyday I strive to be the perfect wife, have all my chores done, stress over a home cooked meal, and try so hard to not ask for help. I was taught asking help would be admitted I can't handle my work load and that equals failure. Girl, I know I'm not alone on this either. That is crazy. Absolutely crazy. We are not perfect! We are beautifully flawed and some of the best life moments are the unplanned ones. Asking for help isn't weakness it's a strength. It's a strength in knowing you are aware of your boundaries and that you are willing to get the task done by asking for assistance. Hell, it may even help you learn something more efficiently by asking for help or it could create a new dynamic into your marriage by asking for help cooking dinner. As a military spouse I am so used to doing things on my own. When my husband gets home I am so robotically trained that I forget to include him.  It wasn't until he told me how left out he felt because I never asked for help. I was like.. say what? You mean you could have doing bath time while I clean the kitchen???? Dude... you can take that task away pronto! my husband refuses to load a dishwasher.. will do any other chore in the whole house but will not load a dishwasher.. lmao
So the take away is that our past is our past, we can't change it but only learn from it. We have control over our current and future choices though. That load of clothes can tumble 15 min more while you get some extra play time in. And understanding nobody on this earth is perfect and that we are all flawed .. is beautiful knowledge. So ask your spouse for help, take that extra coffee break and give yourself a break. "Be patient and loving with yourself. You weren't meant to be your biggest critic, but your biggest fan!" by 'Emily Kinney'.

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