Monday, September 16, 2019

hell of a truckin' month.


Going into 2019 "Just Keep Breathin'" by Ariana Grande became my theme song.. and I swear that for my Nov birthday.. I'm getting this tattoo'd on my forearm. I never knew how much I'd be needing this song to reel me back into sanity perimeters.  This is going to be a loooooooong post.

Ok.. so why so dramatic? because..
I have never once felt unsafe in my home. I have never once felt the need for security cameras or gates. I've never once felt the need to lock my front or back door. Hell 90% of the time my front door was unlocked and the back door open for the dogs while we ran errands.. bible. I have never questioned my neighborhood - even if it is on the 'ghetto' side to some. I started leaving the keys to my van in my middle console shortly after we got it in Feb 2018. It was just easy to just 'push to start' after loading 2 or 3 kids for therapy or errands. I'd just push and go.. never had to search for keys. I also want to add that I have multiple diaper bags depending on the kids.. So if I had all 3 it would be the blue one.. if it was just the two little's I carried a little unicorn bag. I don't think I even own a purse anymore.. esp after having little dude. Anyway....

On August 15th I went to get my wallet out of the van when I realized that someone had ransacked the  van. They didn't take a thing except my keys. The moment I realized my keys were gone I froze in place. I knew. I knew it was a matter of time before they'd come back. I called the cops and filed a police report. They informed me that the 'perp' would be back for the van. We set up an appointment to have the whole system re-keyed - but they had to order the keys so it would take a week or two.

Aug 22nd: The bus for little man couldn't get down our street so the bus barn had asked if I could pick him up at the corner. They knew I had to load two other little kiddo's and they patiently waited. I ended up taking the kids to McDonald's for a happy meal and got myself a Trenta Pink drink (currently my fav Starbucks drink - yummo!) When I pulled in the drive way I noticed a sloth like figure on the screen of my kitchen window. My blood went cold. I swear.. it literally made me motionless. I got out.. checked on the dogs.. walked the house and went back for the kiddo's. I got them out, put them in their booster seats, got their food laid out and went back to take a picture. Because it's creeeeepy isn't it?? Can you not see a figure of a person?? it's so creepy..
My Mommy senses started tingling .. those little warning bells went off in high fashion. I emptied out the van of the kids favorite items. I kept some things.. like dolls. I always keep a full spare set of clothing and a toy in my van for each child. So I left that. I remember semi cleaning out the vehicle b/c my gut told me they were coming but I largely dismissed it. That evening this little voice had told me to take the car seats out of the van. I kept dismissing it. It kept getting more and more persistent. I told my husband and he laughed it off; as I had done. We agreed to take the seats out that coming weekend and clean them. After we watched Big Brother 21 that night... I asked him again. I told him my gutt was yelling at me to remove those seats. He rolled his eyes and went to bed and I shortly followed..

Aug 23rd - 4:30am.
My husband woke me up to let me know that my van was gone. The next day we were taking it for a re-key. The van was stolen with my babies car seats, spare clothing and toys in the vehicle. A $400 'sand' wagon was in the back, my daughters FAV pair of shoes I had forgotten earlier that day were gone... this list just goes on and on. The amazing part was the huge annoyance of ignoring that little voice and the personal violation I felt. I have never felt so scared, alone, confused.
Who would do this? Who wanted a HONDA ODYSSEY for heaven sakes?! My husbands drives a new Dodge Dart and they wanted a goldfish incrusted minivan?!
The headache of police reports .. ins claims.. on-star searches engulfed my day. It literally took up my whole weekend. 

We got the kids new carseats, phone chargers, a rental (pictured above), and we waited. Waited for the police to find my minivan that brought my daughter home. The van that we took our first family trip to Texas in, The van that we drove up to Washington, the van that held my daughters first year of her life. The van that i utterly hated with a passion. The van that I drove with disdain and disgust b/c I never wanted a 'minivan' but suddenly ached for.

Over the weekend my husband left for a short 'underway' and on Monday August 26th - at 1 in the morning my house phone started going off. The police department had found the van, with a driver in it, and demanded that I come pick it up. Of course I wasn't going to wake 3 sleeping babies up to go get a van. 1. It was only me. 2. how was i gonna drive 2 vehicles? So we had it impounded. BIGGEST blessing EVER! We weren't able to get the vehicle until the 27th from impound and a lady through our ins advised us to have a tow truck meet us at the impound lot. When we called to set that up they wouldn't send a tow truck b/c the van was deemed driveable.

GUYS.... this van was anything but driveable! 
First off... the van was littered with weed and other drugs.. littered. The smell was so bad it gave you a instant headache. The blue and purple you see are weed containers. The middle console was filled with them & while it may be legal to smoke weed in Cali.. it's not for a active service member. The van was littered with food & clothing. My babies car seats were gone & the only remainder were the anchors. That broke me. Shattered me. Impacted me so hard.. it still makes me emotional. 

The bumper and the fender were just handing on. The axle protruded the wheel house (as pictured), the tired had metal wires hanging from them, the back hatch was dented in & they didn't think we could even open it.
We didn't turn the van on - the impound lot drove it over to us and parked it. The impound lot owner knew it wasn't driveable but the police dept said it was.
((So.. our ins co told us that police departments will always tell you it's driveable even if it's split in half to remove any liability on their behalf. So always be prepared to have a tow truck on standby in this type of matter )) I do NOT in ANY WAY blame the police department for any damages. It's not their job to do a diagnostic and I am incredibly thankful that they assisted in finding the van.

So the ins co became intolerable after this point. They were super up to this 'very' point. They refused to send a tow truck to remove the van off impounds lot, they refused to take it to the dealership for it's diagnostic. They absolutely refused to reimburse us for the impound fee's & even said we should have found a way to keep it from even getting impounded. The van was completely undriveable. The wheels wobbled when moving. That van was so covered in drugs... I can't ...
So the impound lot graciously took the van to the collision team through our Honda dealership & the collision team was a absolute delight! The impound lot even brought the van to our home so that we can survey and take pictures of damages before the collision team received it. The tow truck driver showed me things, had me take pictures of the undercarriage, and even offered to lower the van to retrieve personal items. They were awesome. 

The collision team gave me daily updates, sent me pictures to describe damages and ask questions. He color coded areas and explained their issues. The collision co told us that the van would be totaled on August 30th. They told us that "fentanyl" had been found in the van & all personnel wore hazmat suits to enter the vehicle. The clean up charge for the drugs alone was $5,000. They said the driver(s) drove the van at a very high speed and then slammed it into park. The van drove while in park and parked while in drive. The vehicle was very confused and the whole electrical system was glitchy. They said that it seemed as though the driver(s) attempted to jump either a tree stump or a man made ramp and the axle broke upon a landing. The under carriage compartments had been compromised. The fuel systems were burned or drained.
The INS co, however, refused to return our phone calls. SO with the 'good faith' of the collision dept we started vehicle shopping over the Labor Day holiday. The ins co refused to give us information on the vehicle at all until Sept 3rd - which they provided via email~ !!  I called these people every. single. day and they responded to us via email.  We refused to purchase a vehicle until we heard from the ins co directly that the van was being totaled. 

On Sept 3rd I purchased my dream vehicle. Since we had already been shopping I already had a dealership I wanted to work with & a basic understanding of what I wanted. I was very torn between two completely different MAKES but narrowed it down to one that I have been dreaming about I got my Drivers License. I didn't get the color that I originally thought I wanted but God works in funny ways. We walked onto the Chevy lot for the 3rd time to hear that the truck I wanted had been sold. I had to start my search all over and since a lot of the inventory had been sold over the weekend it was 'slim pickings'. My husband set with the kids and let look at all the beautiful trucks. I looked at the 'customs', I looked at the LT's and I looked at the LTZ's. I did NOT want a white truck, I did want a extended crew cab & I wanted a five seater not a 6. 

I bought a 2019 Chevy LT. She is metallic brown & I absolutely am in love with the color. I didn't get leather seats this round but they are heated. I did end up with 6 seats. I have already done a couple of "upgrades" and I'm going to be doing a couple more things to her here soon but nothing really major. The room in this truck is amazing!

So in closing this past month.. exactly has been insane. I don't wish this experience on anyone !! BUT if you ever go through this please make sure to have a tow truck meet you when you pick up your stolen vehicle. Also make sure that you chose a collision center that works for YOU not your ins co. We were blessed that this didn't end up worse or prolonged. I am sad of the Honda's fate.. she deserved better. It's really sad how someone can just ruin someone else's property. I am a starting to feel less vulnerable though. I do check out my windows more then I did before, we did upgrade the locks and back doors on the house. We did upgrade to a keyless entry a while back and stared locking our doors. I, also, will never leave my keys in a vehicle again!! ever!! lesson learned.


Tuesday, August 13, 2019

laundry & dishes.


I shared my post 'positive' not that you would feel sorry for me but so that I can share where I'm at to share my growth. I AM growing, I AM a work in progress as long as I am on this Earth. Whatever you are going through right now is growth. It doesn't have to make sense now, it doesn't have to be easy, but when you enter that next chapter of growth.. you'll understand it. I'm not giving up because I feel lonely, I'm going to keep pushing through because there is a reason. 

I am not going to tell life is all roses and htat if you are in a bad situation you should stick it out 'because it gets better". That's a lie. I'm not being abused, I'm not drowning in debit, I'm not a an alcoholic or a drug addict. <- those are bad situations.. I'm just lonely. 
I found this facebook group called "Mother like a boss" and it has really helped me use my time correctly to accomplish my goals without being a human Ostrich. 

So lets talk laundry. 
I struggle with staying focused. 
I struggle with creating a rhythm in my daily routines. 
I struggle with having a 'squirrel' moment and losing my day.
 One of the biggest things I see on FB groups in the constant complaint of laundry. 
You too?  It is funny. It is true. 
Dishes and laundry... they are the chores that never end.
So I decided was to tackle these chores & make them my bitch. 

 I got baskets for each of us, the towels & the sheets.   
 I started doing the load from the previous day the NEXT day. 
So whatever the kids, the husband & I wore on Monday gets washed Tuesday Morning. 
I start the load at 6am and it's folded AND put away while the kids eat breakfast around 8 am.
 Then I start with sheets or whatever my 'extra' is and I'm done around 10am.
We have a green basket that is our catch all. 
When it comes off - it goes in that basket or the empty washer.
 I also wash my towels separately from my clothing.
This works for me

I empty my dishwasher every morning while I wait for the coffee to make. Then as the day goes.. I rinse off the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. Then when dinner is over we just start the ONE & ONLY load of dishes for the day. Five of us & one load. 
BUT I pre-make my meals (next post) so I don't have pots & pans to wash in the evening.

It has been a journey figuring out what works for me and this works!   
My table stays clear of stacked clothing & my sink stays clear of cluttered dishes. 
AND it makes me feel so accomplished.

I hope this helps someone else come up with way to lighten your own loads. (haha)
Have a great day!! 

Wednesday, August 7, 2019



I am in a real bad way needing a change. Like a full all over change. Like gutt it all and start over. As we all know 'change' is hard. You can change it all but if the surroundings don't change.. then reverting is very possible. 

While I will say that I love my children. Outside of that I feel very alone. Extremely alone. My two friends moved away, it's hard to start new friendships. My husband works hard and provides for us but has a better relationship with his phone then me. On that same note .. I don't do anything to really talk about so......... I'm alone. Alone w my thoughts, feelings, insecurities. Alone with my accomplishments, alone with my goals...
I go to the store alone, nail shop alone, Target alone, grocery shopping alone. the zoo with my kids alone. 

As we go through the reno we are throwing something things l realized that I have grown & changed so much in the past 9 years. I think i feel sad because I have feeel like I have changed alone. That is sad. BUT I am tired of being alone. I'm tired of being sad. I have this amazing life but I'm alone. I'm struggling.. gosh have I been struggling. Struggling to feel important past my kids, struggling to find my worth, struggling to be needed and wanted and have someone, ANYONE, who wants to be around me. A person to share my life, a life that I feel is very insignificant.
 (( Let me stop and say that I'm NOT suicidal)) 

SO lets start from the top.
I have decided to change some things up. I've decided to get up earlier then usual. I've decided to start a version of the KETO diet. I've decided to MAKE myself leave the house at least once a week. 
I am the queen of online ordering.. groceries, clothing.. I'm such a fan of online grocery orders.
I've decided to put more of myself first. I get up earlier - get my coffee & a shower. I feel energetic & I feel that I can't MAKE myself have friends but I can make myself better - stronger. Maybe I need this time to really get to know myself better, stronger and that's the route I'm gonna take. 

Guys.. I'm trying. Somethings gotta change & I'm trying 

Thursday, July 25, 2019

almost done!

We have floors!! 
We have all the rooms except the master completed!! 
We gotta lay the master closet and bedroom. 
After that it's replace the baseboards throughout the whole house 

Our kitchen counters arrive next week... waaaahooooo
 I can't explain how insane it is to have to go to the BATHROOM to get the dog water. 
Our bathroom has been our kitchen catcher. 
I do dishes in there, I rinse out bottles, fill water jugs (for the dogs).. 
the only thing we aren't using the bathroom for is... well bathroom stuff.
Since we have 3.. one is ONLY being used for the kitchen overflow. 

I think the floors are gorgeous!
 I of course already miss my crazy rugs and have put one in the boys room (above) and the playroom. I actually REALLY miss my kitchen rug and I might replace that one as well. It was a great crumb catcher & I love the extra design element.

That's all I got folk's. We are chugging through the mess and trying to make time to create summer memories. We did find time to hit the beach this weekend. With three very independent kids & two adults - it wasn't relaxing but the kids had a GREAT time! Next week we will tackle the zoo (weather pending) & possibly a splash pad day. 


Wednesday, July 10, 2019

full remodel

One day I decided that we needed new floors. The carpets were just grrrroooossss. I literally have it in my cleaning schedule to shampoo carpets on Thursday's. I got tired of the brush off so I got the ball rolling and mad did it roll..

We ripped out all of the carpets in our 4 bedrooms house, the living room & the kitchen tile floor!! Ourselves. We decided to do the demo and install ourselves and save that money; which went back into the house. Other then a couple people helping - my husband has done it on his own. 

We realized that the kitchen cabinets were sitting on flooring .. so we removed the counters, the cabinets and placed the cabinets back. We currently do NOT have a counter top, sink or really a functioning kitchen. It has been glorious chaos. 

We currently have 70% of the house refloored.. the living room got re-painted too 

the inspector signed off on our counter today & it will be installed in TWO weeks - along w the new sink and faucet. We also are adding a new backsplash. I am so delirious with excitement! I got everything that I wanted and I'm so anxious to get it all up and in place. 

We decided at the last moment to not replace the bathroom flooring, which was the same as the kitchen tile, until we do the bathroom reno's.

Everyone has done really good! The kids have really adapted and love the chaos. They have no issues with toys everywhere. They have no issues eating out 4 nights out of 7. They have had no problem with reorganizing or rearranging their rooms. These little kiddo's are troopers!!

I will NOT miss doing dishes out of the bathtub ANY time soon. I had to close off the front bathroom b/c eww gross. So only dishes are allowed. The dishwasher is up and running as well - so that has helped keep things sanitized.

So that's what's been going on since I wrote last. We've got things everywhere and anywhere. My house is going to be fabulous once we are done. I know my husband didn't love spending all that money but I sure do appreciate it! I'm sure he'll also be happy when all of this is over so he can relax and rest when he gets home. 


Thursday, May 30, 2019


Last year I read Rachel Hollis' amazing book "Girl, wash your face". Upon the finale chapters I realized that I didn't have a goal. I didn't have a empire to grow & nature. I got really down on myself & thought of career's past being a Mom. I sought out schools and degree's to obtain before my husband hits retirement so I could take 'my chance'. I did find a career, by all accounts, that really sings to me. Unfortunately it's 'unobtainable' right now and that set me in a tail spin. I felt useless and hopeless. I felt like I had missed my chance prebaby to find my career and give it the attention it needed. To add to that the more people I told about my goal tore me down. Reminded me how busy I was and that my goal was unobtainable for various reasons and I believed them.  I allowed those words to seep into my soul and took them for the real. I soaked the words up like a sponge, because after all, they are my support team.

A couple of months later I sought out personal therapy & marriage therapy because I felt my life was spiraling out of control with no meaning. I didn't (and don't) feel like I have a support system to obtain my goals. Big or small, here or later. That hit me even harder in my slump. I lost my mission because I felt like I was a failure. I started thinking that I couldn't bring anything into a relationship, I had nothing to offer. If we were to go out to dinner the only conversation I had to contribute to was cleaning & kids. I saw myself just making these elaborate circles through my day but not accomplishing anything. That needed to change. 

One day while shampooing carpets it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. My house & kids were my empire. Everything I applied, daily, was to create and maintain the empire I had created. My goal for years was to have a family & here I was saying my life had no meaning because I didn't have more. That my friends is ludicrous.  So I found new facebook groups tailored to scheduling, meal plans, cleaning, and I found a bomb parenting group. I realized that I have wasn't going to have a picture perfect house & by learning tricks & tips I could be more efficient.

So I decided to revamp it all. I listened to my personal therapist tell me that my new goals and admission was unrealistic and unobtainable so I fired him. I absolutely feel like our marriage therapist is a god send and made me see that I'm a really shitty wife. Most importantly I need to see that what I am doing right now is important. Every mindless, endless, and tiring chore is for a reason & means something. So here I am to say that dreams and goals matter. That you need to push through and figure out where you need to be at this moment. Having future goals is great and obtaining smaller ones is great too. Self validation is important and knowing people have your back is too. Creating simple ways to help you achieve those smaller goals is ok.

I hope you follow me through growth. Maybe you can teach me something that has worked for you. Nothing is unobtainable - to be a Dr you need years or school and medical rounds. Like that .. it may mean you have to master smaller goals before you achieve your overall goal.

Hope you follow along.


Tuesday, May 28, 2019


I wasn't sure if I was going to renew my domain & blog. I was thinking about getting a whole new name and domain & starting over. I have a month to really decide what I'm going to do but I want to reset the content.
It's easy for me to complain. It's easy for me to share all the bs and forget about the good. It's really easy to get caught up with sharing all the ways I feel like I fail. 
I feel like the majority of these past posts are just sad. My depression & that mindset are huge players in my life. It's easy to get swept out into that winding road even when I intend to write a uplifting post. To a degree there is a lot of negativity on the surface but I'm determined to rise above that natural complaining portion of my life. I don't want to share the downs of my life but what I'm truly into and focus on. Don't get me wrong.. change is hard. It takes 21 days to change a pattern and your mindset. It's gonna be a challenge.

So what am I going to share?
I'm into organizing, schedules, meal preps and plans, efficient lunches & dinners, efficient grocery trips, cleaning schedules & my favorite - laundry schedules. Maybe a little bit about marriage.
I'm not a soy, grain free, everything fresh kinda gal and if I buy organic it was more or less a accident. I believe in efficiency because my kids are little. I personally believe I can kick the chicken nuggets into 'grown up' chicken soon enough. So what I'm saying is.. I'm not a crunchy Mom.

So I encourage you to join the next chapter as I share household tricks, open up about parenting, and recreate myself into what I want. I want to say that I am not perfect, and don't pretend to be, I just wanna share a real part of myself and see what happens. I encourage you to leave comments and advice. I encourage you to share personal experiences or ideas you have tried out. Fell free to ask questions ..

Sunday, May 19, 2019

2 month update.

WOW!! Guys it's been 2 months!! Almost two whole months!!

We got that puppy. We named him Rollie. He is the most amazing dog we have had to date. He has been super easy to train, got along with our existing pups super fast & has been a great joy. I just got to get his nipping under control b/c he has a hard time switching from playing with the pups to the kids.
My daughter turned 1. She is just .. amazing. She is both happy and grumpy. She is ridiculously smart & boy am I in trouble. Her favorite word is NO and she uses it A LOT and she is quick to remind you that she is the baby.

My middle child turned 2 and he is the sweetest child. He is such a boy but is so sensitive. His love for animals is just incredible. His favorite at the moment is a LION and he loves to 'roar'. He recently discovered dinosaurs and it's adorable.

My oldest child is just so busy. He goes to all these therapies and is just blossoming. He is talking SO much & if you can put it to a song he will repeat it. His love for music is not surprising but it's so incredible to hear him sing along. We have a ways to go before he says full sentences but he is getting there. We have been working on potty training & it's going.. I honestly thought this would be a faster process but he is really doing good.

The husband and I found a great marriage therapist. It's been helping us so much. As a military family we don't really think about 'time lost'. Our counselor did a time line, that showed us that we have only spent a year & a half together.. without roomies. So over the past 9 years .. only a year and half together. That really opened our eyes to how we have grown.. but apart. It has been a journey. We have had to really force ourselves to 'date' again and get to know one another. It sounds so silly but we have spent so much time apart.

My personal growth has really been focused around my home. I spend a lot of time cleaning, organizing, formulating schedules. I have forgotten who I am outside of these walls. I have forgotten the simple joys of the outside world. I think my focus has been on my home & making babies for so long that I put myself on the shelf. Although I like the things that I have, I do struggle. I struggle to keep my house to the vision I have created. My home is full and it's on the cluttered side. It drives me insane... literally insane. I feel like I am constantly throwing away, donating, giving away. Our children are growing so fast but because they are so close together - you can't just trash the before while bringing in the new. The baby is still on a bottle and the oldest is on to cups. So the huge variety causes clutter.
I think my biggest downfall is the noise. The noise from other people who don't understand where I'm at. The feedback that is negative and just unwanted. I am aware that I have three small kids but I still expect to have a certain standard. I'm not above ordering groceries, I'm not above chicken nuggest and food pouches but I can't stand an unorganized space. It makes me feel nervous. I also put a lot on pressure on myself because my oldest has in home therapy 4 days a week. I don't want to have a messy, unorganized home and so I filter through pinterest to find solutions. I think I have a good routine down now. We have organized a lot but we aren't even close to where I want.

So in therapy my biggest challange is trying to figure out who I am outside of being a Mom and that is hard. Stupid hard. My biggest goal in life was getting to where I am now & my new goal is managing this life the best way I can. I don't let people make me feel bad as a parent b/c to each their own. I do get a little down when I meet new people and I don't have a lot to share outside of my kids. I'm all about convenience... all about it. I'm all about music & coffee & baseball caps. I'm all about being comfy and reasonable not cute and in style.  I'm about going to the beach, the park, the zoo.. whatever puts a smile on my kids faces. I'm in love with air bnb's and I'll book a get away any chance I can. I like to sip on rum & dr pepper while watching my kids play. I'm silly simple.

For Mother's Day I hired someone to help clean the house & she is coming tomorrow. I'm excited to have some help. I'm going to finish this episode of 'Naked and Afraid' and go to bed.
Thank you for reading ... please stop & say hi...

Thursday, March 21, 2019


This past weekend I got into a HUGE fight with my husband over a puppy.
Yep, a puppy.
This puppy. We both agree'd via text messages that we were buying THIS dog. We were going to let our middle child have it for his birthday. We both agreed this dog needed to be walked, trained, and even talked about getting it a certificate for emotional support for my oldest. We agreed that I would pay the deposit that night to secure the puppy.

The next day he facetimed me to let me know that he has no intentions of walking the dog. He said the dog wouldn't be his anyway so he didn't understand why he needed to take on the extra chore. He went on to say that he was angry b/c we agreed that the next big dog would be a 'bull mastiff'. He said that he wanted our son to have the dog, but didn't want to help take care of it.. at all.

My head exploded. What I heard him say is because it's not what I want I'm not going to help. How could he be so selfish? We never agreed on a Bull Mastiff because it's not a breed I want. The golden was for our boys. They are great with autistic children and my two younger ones. I have literally been asking for a golden since 2015. What I heard him say is this is just another thing you have to juggle while I sit on the couch. I also heard I'm going to complain and say this was your decision every time you complain about the workload.  I lost my mind. My brother talked me out of calling the lady and refunding the puppy we hadn't received. I talked myself out of returning the puppy items I had already purchased. I even sent him a email explaining my plans of action.

My husband facetimed me later that night. He bluntly told me I was being crazy. Which you can imagine set me off again.. how dare he! Then went on to explain that because he is going to another ship and will be deploying again I will be left with the majority of the responsibility. He said b/c of his absence the dog wouldn't bond with him and he it wouldn't be his dog. He said that I already complain about my two, and my brothers two dogs, and he didn't want to hear more complaining about the extra work load. (Truth bomb.. my brother moves out the next week.. and his dogs go with him. His dogs are NOT  100% potty trained which means I already have to retrain mine. Which was prefect time to introduce a puppy and do all the training together. ((Also my dogs are pretty good about not messing in the house, it's the chewing up baby toys that I have a issue with)).
I want this dog. I understand I am taking on the extra training and vet visits and etc. I just thought it would be a good family investment.  I thought we were agreeing to take this dog on family walks and I could envision us playing together in the yard.. I thought he was saying he couldn't and wouldn't do those things or see those things.

At the end of the day I feel like a huge dramatic jerk. I feel like if we had communicated, instead of thinking we knew what the other was thinking, this could have all be avoided. After he explained his actual thought process. THIS whole event caused us to sit and really talk about our communication with each other. THIS event made us realize that we have been 'adlibbing' what we thought the other meant or was going to say. THIS single event made us realize that we still need to keep trying and not just let the other interprete what we think the other means. It also made me realize that we focus so much on the kids that we aren't taking care of each other. That we aren't connected to that esp level and maybe we should really work on that.

So.. this past weekend I bought a puppy and I learned that my husband and I need to communicate better. I have no idea what I'm going to name the furball,. the puppy not my husband, but I am really excited to add this to our story. I'm excited to see how this chapter will be written.

How do you are your significant other communicate? What are ways that you communicate with your spouse in a healthy manor? WHAT DO I NAME THIS PUPPY????

Saturday, March 16, 2019


to give one support, hope, confidence.
to help stimulate (an active, state, or view) to develop

I know my last two posts are big downers. Life isn't always a bed of roses. Sometimes life can be dark and bleak. Sometimes it's a struggle for people to get out of bed. Sometime we feel so alone that we have lost the gumption and joy for life.


We make choices everyday. We make choices to laugh or smile. We make choices to brighten someone's day with a call or a small gesture. We make the choice everyday to stay in the dark or force ourselves into the light. Some times it isn't that easy and we need help to push ourselves..

I encourage you to call a friend this weekend. I encourage you to help your neighbor. I encourage you to take your kids to a park, or for ice cream or to rent a movie. I encourage you to call your Grandparents, or your parents, and tell them hi & that you love them. I encourage you to say "HI" to a stranger & genuinely complement them. I encourage you to take a hot dish to a new Mommy in your church or even on your street. You don't have to know them, you don't have to be best friends with them.. but that sentiment speaks volumes!!
If you have been feeling like I have lately.. then I encourage you to go outside. I encourage you to call someone to talk to. I encourage you to find inspirational/uplifting quotes to help you out of bed. I encourage you to get out of your house … to do something that used to bring you joy. Call a friend for lunch, grab a cup of coffee.. whatever. Pay for the coffee for person behind you at Starbucks or a local coffee shop.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. So I encourage you to reach out to someone this weekend and to bring purpose to making their day better. We have a lot of towns, cities and states - covered in snow, some flooded, some are dealing with natural disasters. Find a way to contribute - to brighten someone else's day. Spring cleaning is around the corner.. donate some blankets, food, clothing..

Whatever you chose to do.. remember that the smallest act of kindness goes so far.
I will be donating our baby items this weekend. I'll be prepping our yard for the kids to start going back out to play. I will be cleaning out the dark corners of the house to bring in happiness and brightness.

Friday, March 15, 2019

I gave up.

Remember when we were 18 and we thought we'd have it all together as adults? Remember when our parents said no to those Spring Break weeks and we pouted for months? I still wish I had gone on them because I didn't in my 20's or early 30's. Now I'm 37 with a mortgage, car payment .. the weight of all adult responsibility and being a single parent (75% of the time) to 3 small kiddos. This is not the life I had envisioned stomping around at 18.
There isn't a magic backspace button where we can go back and redo. Without taking our future knowledge back with us, I don't think we'd change a thing - realistically. I can 'wish' I had done this or that.. but it's a wasted wish. The hard part is figuring out how to change the future to put you on the path you need, or want, to be. Like there are days I regret no focusing on a career. There are days I feel I waisted with all the fertility treatments in my 20's and the unknown lingering over my head. I question why having a career was never triggered with my desire to have kids. I mean how did I expect to take care of them?  I wish I had taken that energy and put into something that I could still obtain today. I hope that I share this with my kids and they keep in with them. That ship hasn't sailed for me yet but I just feel ignorant for not caring.
At some point I gave up. At some point I kept hearing "you have two small kids - give yourself a break".. then #3 came. Now I hear "you have 3 small babies and a lot on your plate". To me though that doesn't justify the slacking. That doesn't justify giving up. I gave up on a lot. It's not just household stuff that simply got away from me. It's not just the friends that somehow got lost in transit. It's not just feeling overwhelmed or mentally exhausted all the time. It's not just realizing that you are alone, with three small babies, 90% of the time. It's not just all the appointments and therapies and Dr's visits. It's all of it rolled up in a hairy, slimy ball that's been under the couch for years. Sectioned off it's not unobtainable, but together it feels overwhelming.
I gave up physically. I did try for a moment after my first born. I did want to look the "mommy" part and wear khakis and blazers. I did try fake eyelashes and play around with makeup and hair routines. I did join a gym and tried to pretend like I cared about losing weight. Every time we stepped in that gym and it wasn't about my son I felt Mommy guilt. I wanted to do the hiking mommy groups. I wanted to do the beach play dates and walk our babies along the strand. I wanted to experience zoo days and park play dates. That never happened.
Then number 2 came around the same time the diagnosis came for my oldest. Then right as I started to get the groove of having 2 small kids and all the billion appointments, I found out I had created my unicorn baby. Should have been the time of my life, should have been one of the most celebrated moments of my life and it wasn't.
Why? because I was alone. I was left to handle it all. I was left to beg and beg for help. Instead of help I got "why not", or 'why not order your groceries', "you've got this" or 'if it was meant to be it would fall into place'. The more I heard that I wasn't getting the help I was begging for .. I gave up.  To me not one person cared enough to stop and help me unload groceries. Not one person cared enough to come over and chat with me or just help around the house. Not one person cared enough to drop off a hot meal, or ask if I needed anything, or offered to help. Not one person bothered to pick up a damn phone and ask how I was doing. That broke me. It broke me in a million bitter, angry, uncontrollably sad pieces.
My therapist asked me what my breaking point was. It was during my second pregnancy when I was begging, literally begging, people to fly out and help w my oldest son while I gave birth to my second. Knowing I would require a C-section, knowing my oldest needed care, knowing my husband was on deployment and couldn't come home. Begging and offering paid plane tickets, offering a free guest room & all the accommodations they needed just to be with me after my second child was born. To this day that still makes me angry and teary eyed. Don't get me wrong, it all came together, but that feeling.. that empty heartbreaking feeling.. has never left me. That absolutely vulnerable moment where I genially needed something.. broke me. Fast forward almost two year since my 2nd son was born and it's still the same.

At the end of this amazing vent sesh… I will say this. I will heal. I will learn to care again. I will learn to forgive. I have learned to be a better friend. I have learned to call people, on the actual phone, and see how they are doing. I have learned to take a hot meal to a new mommy.

but I have still given up.


Thursday, March 14, 2019

depression sucks.

Well hello. It's been a minute.
I have been trying to find time to get a post in, truth is I've been have a hard time getting anything done. It's been a rough month for no reason other then my own head. I finally made an appointment with a shrink again, I finally started talking about the inner struggles out loud. I've been internally been struggling with such silly stuff that you put in on a back shelf.. then you realize your shelf is full of all these little things.. but it's full. I have also narrowed it down to the Depo shot, for birth control, as being the main trigger for these wild swings in emotions and moods.
I have noticed a couple of a new readers.. so thank you for following along! I just wanna semi recap with saying that in April I will have a 1 yr old, actually 2.. for 9 days, a 2 yr old and my oldest doesn't turn 4 until July. So I'll have a 1, 2, and 3 yr old for a three month span. While Little Miss is excelling and is WAY ahead of her age group.. it's always busy. Mr. Man's schedule is crazy. Little Dude is a ham & just started exploring with temper tantrums.. which are new in this house. no seriously.
Also with being on the transparent side of things.. my husband & I have been having a really rough time so far this year. We are having issues communicating with each other. I wanna also say that because I feel so off.. that most of the issues are because of me. The other percent is him not listening to what I'm needing from him right now. Nothing that's not workable but it's totally added stresser that I do not need.
Speaking of the house. We are interchanging from baby to toddler so quickly that the junk has multiplied and has taken over. I feel it's a constant declutter act. I think we have borrowed my brothers truck for dump runs at least once a month. I have donated, sold, and given stuff away. Then with that turn you gotta replace it with something else.. or at least that's what I'm trying NOT to do. We have replaced highchairs with boosters. We have replaced sippy cups with those awesome munchkin cups. We are almost through with formula and transitioning into milk.. hallelujah. We've donated baby rattles and baby mats. We have gotten rid of all the infant seats and replaced those with little chairs - so adorable by the way.
A lot of change, a lot of altering, a lot of decluttering and a lot of reorganization = chaos. You gotta create a huge mess to get it all thrown out. So it seems like stuff is everywhere b/c we have 2 days do undo three years worth of inventory.. then try to manage through a busy week.. then back to the 2 day race. I'm not saying anything parents don't understand or know.. it's just new to us.
The crazy part is that I feel I have to carry this huge load of responsibilities on my own.. because I do. I take care of so much and feel that it's not equally distributed and it's taking a toll. My house is a mess, my marriage is a mess, my kids are growing faster then I can blink and I'm just watching time click by. It's so overwhelming somedays. I know I'm not alone and that thousands of parents go through this.. but it's hard. It's hard to feel so alone and know that you need a mental break and cant' get one. It's hard to express how you feel to get that 'say what' look from your spouse. OMG I am so tired of fighting for attention from my husband … battling that damn phone. I wish that phones had never been created somedays. It has caused such a ripple in our relationship.. for real. It just gets so overwhelming and then you add feeling so alone.. man it's been rough. The important thing is that I'm realizing it's too much. I'm trying to make my life easier with Prime Now orders, with ordering groceries online. I'm trying to get to the zoo on weekends, or the park, just to break up the pattern we've created.
The hardest part of my day … in the evenings I make a to do list for the next day. I promise myself it's going to be better and easier. I'm going to wake up and be renewed and refreshed and pumped. Problem is .. I wake up and get the oldest off to school, the little are running around.. gotta feed and change them. THEN I spend the majority of my mornings talking myself out of my todo list. HOW backwards. I float through my afternoons filled with therapies and appointments. Barely get a good meal on the table, throw the kids in baths.. get them to bed and my head races. I pick up on everything that wasn't done, wasn't done right, I beat myself up for doing laundry instead of playtime.. or vise versa. I've complained about it all and never seem to be complacent. That my friends is a form of depression. Never feeling complete no matter what you do. Never feeling like you are enough, do enough, or that everything you did was wrong. You end up wasting hours of your life worrying and internally fighting.. that you've wasted a day. then a month. and even longer.

We are all a work in progress. I think that it's hard to remember some days that we aren't perfect. I think it's hard to think of ourselves as 'enough' but we are. I love my kids and I want to be my best for them. That requires changes and sacrafices. I just need some help learning how to navigate this new chapter. I gotta believe it's gonna get better.. I just gotta.

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

i feel

I wake up everyday with the same optimistic view that I had the day before
today will be better
The problem is.. my mind set hasn't changed past that.
If I can't change the way that I see myself, or think about how others view me, then tomorrow I'll feel just as defeated as I did today. Truth is most days I feel like I am expected to fail. Fail about being a parent, fail at being a Mom, fail at finances... but why? Because my life, my household, isn't filled with positivity. We, myself included, don't life one another up or complement each other. We are quick to point out faults and things we didn't like. My husband does say at least once a week that I'm a good Mom; so that's a positive. When I tried this a couple of weeks ago my husband actually took it as I was being a smart ass instead of uplifting.
I painted my back door with Dry Erase paint.
Every day I write, on my back door, the goals I have for either the day or the week. I write them for all to see - in hopes that someone else will jump in and help - but to also see the things I do. I know the sterotype centered around stay at home Moms/Wifes. I 'felt' that I need to prove I was contributing to the household and to list it out. (sad and pathetic I know). I love my door. I also feel that the same door opens me up to be under a microscope. "Oh you didn't get the car washed today.. hmmm" judgement of my day. "Oh you didn't make it to the store today?" another judgment "What happened?" feeling of judgement and now anger that I have to explain myself.  "Did you go get your depo shot today?" judgment again & It's none of your damn business (more anger). I opened myself up to be under the microscope when I used my back door as my to do list but damn do I feel judged. Damn do I feel that I get asked more about why I didn't complete a task then a "good job" when it is done.
I'm SO tired of feeling judged. I'm So tired of being expected to answer to someone else who "works outside the house" as to why I didn't get something done. (enter resentment). I'm so tired of not being backed up, being supported, to being understood, to being thanked for the stuff I do accomplish.
I didn't have to get my two kids out the door today, after my oldest was on the school bus, to go grocery shopping. I didn't have to take out Chicken for dinner tonight. I didn't have to search pinterest for a 'good' Keto Chicken dinner to fix and serve and then clean up after everyone is done. but that's your JOB as a SAHM and it's your JOB to cater to the working. ((that's what I really hear in my head)).
How do I flip the script?
How do I change the WHOLE dynamic in my home?
How do I change the whole feeling in my home?
How do I uplift with my husband and not come off as a jerk?
this has got to change. The resentment that I have built up doing my
dream job?
THIS IS MY DREAM JOB so why am I so unhappy??
Why do I feel so threatened in my own home = which is making me so unhappy?
There seems to be a huge division at play at the moment but there is also a lot of change too. The change is more internal then external but I'm suddenly seeing things clearer then normal. Changes are coming my friends.. bare with me.. 2019 is going to be a whirlwind!

Monday, January 14, 2019

Changes for me.

Most days I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with 'to do's', appointments, things that aren't getting done, things my kids need. All the things that fall into my lap.. grocery shopping, meal prepping, scheduling.. 90% of all things I do are by myself. Running errands to personal things.. I was by myself without any adult conversation.
Most days I feel alone and isolated. My phone rarely rings unless a telemarketer is calling about solar panels. I feel I reach out to people more then people reach out to me. I sit in my home, with my kids, all day. Well we run errands but.. ya get it. My facebook rarely has a message waiting on me - 118 'friends' and not one message.  When my household returns they are tired, they want to just relax and I want some type of conversation that doesn't revolve around what we need from the store or what's for dinner. Most days I'm left alone with my thoughts & concerns running through my head.

Most days I stay in my pj's all day. Most days I don't put on a lick of makeup. I morning routine is to get up, brush my teeth, brush my hair & promptly put my hair back in a bun. Who see's me anyway? Who care's that I don't have any mascara on. I tell myself it's saving money because Clinique is expensive. I tell myself I'll ramp up my wardrobe after I lose some weight. I tell myself that it's dumb to wear a dress just to scrub floors. All are true to me.

I realized I wasn't happy. I realized that things that used to bring me joy didn't anymore. I realized that I'm in control of my happiness. I realized that facebook & Instagram, and even this blog, weren't making me happy. I realized that getting my hair done wasn't what I wanted to do anymore - I wanted to use that time in a chair on something different. I mean I only go once every 8 weeks but I didn't have the desire to do it anymore. I realized that while I love my acrylic nails I hate sitting in that chair by myself. Not that I don't enjoy it but I didn't like to go by myself.  90% of all things I do are by myself.
In December I decided to change it. To do what I wanted and to make myself happier.

In December I fired my hair dresser. I told her I wasn't coming around as much anymore, I told her that this wasn't where I wanted to spend my time or money. I told her that while she'd still get the business for my boys haircuts - I didn't want to sit in her chair, or anyone else's, anymore.

I decided to create a chore list in the house. I decided to only do 5 simple things, outside of the daily things, a day. Every adult here should have some type of responsibility so it doesn't just land on my shoulders. If you don't do it.. neither do I. I'm NOT putting your dirty dishes in the dishwasher, I'm NOT packing your lunch, I'm NOT changing out the washer/dryer for you. I'm not running errands for you. I'm not picking up certain things during the week for someone else. If I go to the store I'll get ya some creamer but I'm not making a special trip.. because they wouldn't for me.

I decided to join my husband with a game and blow off some steam. I bought him a Switch for Christmas but it was for me too. So I bought some games for us to play together & we sit and play games in the evening and some afternoons. It has been glorious. I look forward to the evenings and instead of watching TV we are doing something together.
I decided to get up earlier everyday. To take a shower, to put makeup on, to fix my hair.  I take the time to get myself together. I make a pot of coffee, empty the dishwasher, start breakfast for the kids.. I write a blog post....
This was our first weekend back into our routine. We got a lot accomplished and a lot of organization done. We also go a lot of leisure time, which is new. I look forward to implementing these new changes and hope that I can figure out ways to be a happier and healthier me.

Thursday, January 10, 2019


Marriage is hard yo.

Marriage is work, it's compromise, it's balance, it's learning to communicate, and it's love.
I have been surrounded by conversations of divorce lately, from friends not me personally, and I'm just pondering.

My husband is the smartest man I know. He is also the most aggravating and annoying person I've ever met but he's mine. I made a choice to marry him, to take his last name, to take vows in front of God and promise for 'better or worse'.

Feel free to call me a hypocrite because I'm a divorcee but that's where I'm saying it's hard work.
I'm not a marriage expert, I'm not a marriage counselor, I haven't read a thousand books on marriages.. but I know it takes a lot for two people to stay united.

I want to say.. that while I seem so judge mental… I'm not. It's actually the opposite. We see movies and tv shows of people who make it all look so incredibly easy. We read books were couples stand together in the midst of a tragic situations and they stand strong. Then we enter real life and we see the struggle. That's not my problem either because all those things are entertainment not slide shows of real life.

My problem is.. we don't talk about it. Let me explain..
Sue: Hey Jane.. how are you?!
Jane: Good. How are you?
Sue" good.. how are you and Bill?
Jane: We are good. How are you & Ken?
Sue: we are good.

Ok... meeting in Target this is appropriate. You aren't going to say "Well Sue.. Bill pissed me off over the credit card statement and I needed to clear my head and wound up at Target.. you?" but why not?
Sue may say "Oh Ken & I have that argument every month too. I just try to hide the bill before he see's it, or I have tried to really curb my spending & to see his point on the situation".

So by just telling people all the good, the 'what they want to hear" we aren't being honest. My belief is that if we talked about the struggles, compromises, and solutions of marriage.. more people who are having struggles would know they aren't alone. I think that we sugar coat converstaions and keep them private when they shouldn't always be. To a 15 yr old marriage.. what is hard in a 5 yr marriage.. is silly. The 15 yr marriage has tackled the sock on the bathroom floor fight, the 'i'm more tired fight' and they can say.. it gets better. The problem is we aren't having real conversations in fear that we are the bad ones or the failures.. (IMO).

I'm going on 6 years in Feb. and I'm in no way a expert or have a perfect marriage.. it's anything but. We fight, we say mean things, we argue about bills, we do have fights about who's more tired. We fight over basic household chores, we fight over who didn't put gas in the car... but we resolve. I'm a 1000% believer in venting.. not to be a buzz kill but to ask for guidance. I'm also prone to telling you what he said and not that I made a 100 rude remarks, rolled my eyes, screamed and slammed a door. I'm more prone to saying what I did good.. getting up with the baby so he could sleep, not saying that I told the baby I love her more b/c I got up with her so that he could hear. I'm just as good at the jabs and punches as he is.

but why?

Why do we vow to love someone for the rest of our wordly years just to feel threatened, belittled or parented? Parented.. meaning my husband has a way of treating me like a child not his partner. Granted there are things that we dont' know until we say I do.. like that he likes to sleep in socks (eww) or that no matter how many clothes baskets you have.. his dirty socks will never make it in it. That's not everyone. Some men are the OCD partner some men are the spenders. Some men are the workaholics providing and not giving the relationship attention.. but so could the women.

Lately it seems people think the 'grass is greener on the other side' and simple things are worth the sweat and grit. My first marriage wasn't but this one is. Not because of kids but because there is a strength to us … when we are connected that is magical.

I have a lot more to add here but I'm going to stop. I'm going to say that if you are in a spot where you think it's not workable, if you fight a lot over things, if you feel overlooked and under valued.. talk to your spouse! Don't just give up and walk away.. fight for what you vowed.. fight for marriage. Talk to your friends, your parents.. a counselor. I just feel that more and more we are giving up when there is so much more fight to give. Fighting doesn't make your relationship bad, it's a way of talking when you've can't handle a situation anymore.

I do, however, want to say that if you are in a physically or verbally abusive relationship. If you are being cheated on or trust is lost for another reason. If you have seeked all levels of advice and help and it's not making you happy... then don't stay in the relationship. Don't feel pressured by friends or family to stay when you know it's wrong. It's just as easy for a outlooker to give you bad advice as it is to get good advice.