Tuesday, January 22, 2019

i feel

I wake up everyday with the same optimistic view that I had the day before
today will be better
The problem is.. my mind set hasn't changed past that.
If I can't change the way that I see myself, or think about how others view me, then tomorrow I'll feel just as defeated as I did today. Truth is most days I feel like I am expected to fail. Fail about being a parent, fail at being a Mom, fail at finances... but why? Because my life, my household, isn't filled with positivity. We, myself included, don't life one another up or complement each other. We are quick to point out faults and things we didn't like. My husband does say at least once a week that I'm a good Mom; so that's a positive. When I tried this a couple of weeks ago my husband actually took it as I was being a smart ass instead of uplifting.
I painted my back door with Dry Erase paint.
Every day I write, on my back door, the goals I have for either the day or the week. I write them for all to see - in hopes that someone else will jump in and help - but to also see the things I do. I know the sterotype centered around stay at home Moms/Wifes. I 'felt' that I need to prove I was contributing to the household and to list it out. (sad and pathetic I know). I love my door. I also feel that the same door opens me up to be under a microscope. "Oh you didn't get the car washed today.. hmmm" judgement of my day. "Oh you didn't make it to the store today?" another judgment "What happened?" feeling of judgement and now anger that I have to explain myself.  "Did you go get your depo shot today?" judgment again & It's none of your damn business (more anger). I opened myself up to be under the microscope when I used my back door as my to do list but damn do I feel judged. Damn do I feel that I get asked more about why I didn't complete a task then a "good job" when it is done.
I'm SO tired of feeling judged. I'm So tired of being expected to answer to someone else who "works outside the house" as to why I didn't get something done. (enter resentment). I'm so tired of not being backed up, being supported, to being understood, to being thanked for the stuff I do accomplish.
I didn't have to get my two kids out the door today, after my oldest was on the school bus, to go grocery shopping. I didn't have to take out Chicken for dinner tonight. I didn't have to search pinterest for a 'good' Keto Chicken dinner to fix and serve and then clean up after everyone is done. but that's your JOB as a SAHM and it's your JOB to cater to the working. ((that's what I really hear in my head)).
How do I flip the script?
How do I change the WHOLE dynamic in my home?
How do I change the whole feeling in my home?
How do I uplift with my husband and not come off as a jerk?
this has got to change. The resentment that I have built up doing my
dream job?
THIS IS MY DREAM JOB so why am I so unhappy??
Why do I feel so threatened in my own home = which is making me so unhappy?
There seems to be a huge division at play at the moment but there is also a lot of change too. The change is more internal then external but I'm suddenly seeing things clearer then normal. Changes are coming my friends.. bare with me.. 2019 is going to be a whirlwind!

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