Thursday, January 10, 2019

Marriage.

Marriage is hard yo.

Marriage is work, it's compromise, it's balance, it's learning to communicate, and it's love.
I have been surrounded by conversations of divorce lately, from friends not me personally, and I'm just pondering.

My husband is the smartest man I know. He is also the most aggravating and annoying person I've ever met but he's mine. I made a choice to marry him, to take his last name, to take vows in front of God and promise for 'better or worse'.

Feel free to call me a hypocrite because I'm a divorcee but that's where I'm saying it's hard work.
I'm not a marriage expert, I'm not a marriage counselor, I haven't read a thousand books on marriages.. but I know it takes a lot for two people to stay united.

I want to say.. that while I seem so judge mental… I'm not. It's actually the opposite. We see movies and tv shows of people who make it all look so incredibly easy. We read books were couples stand together in the midst of a tragic situations and they stand strong. Then we enter real life and we see the struggle. That's not my problem either because all those things are entertainment not slide shows of real life.

My problem is.. we don't talk about it. Let me explain..
Sue: Hey Jane.. how are you?!
Jane: Good. How are you?
Sue" good.. how are you and Bill?
Jane: We are good. How are you & Ken?
Sue: we are good.

Ok... meeting in Target this is appropriate. You aren't going to say "Well Sue.. Bill pissed me off over the credit card statement and I needed to clear my head and wound up at Target.. you?" but why not?
Sue may say "Oh Ken & I have that argument every month too. I just try to hide the bill before he see's it, or I have tried to really curb my spending & to see his point on the situation".

So by just telling people all the good, the 'what they want to hear" we aren't being honest. My belief is that if we talked about the struggles, compromises, and solutions of marriage.. more people who are having struggles would know they aren't alone. I think that we sugar coat converstaions and keep them private when they shouldn't always be. To a 15 yr old marriage.. what is hard in a 5 yr marriage.. is silly. The 15 yr marriage has tackled the sock on the bathroom floor fight, the 'i'm more tired fight' and they can say.. it gets better. The problem is we aren't having real conversations in fear that we are the bad ones or the failures.. (IMO).

I'm going on 6 years in Feb. and I'm in no way a expert or have a perfect marriage.. it's anything but. We fight, we say mean things, we argue about bills, we do have fights about who's more tired. We fight over basic household chores, we fight over who didn't put gas in the car... but we resolve. I'm a 1000% believer in venting.. not to be a buzz kill but to ask for guidance. I'm also prone to telling you what he said and not that I made a 100 rude remarks, rolled my eyes, screamed and slammed a door. I'm more prone to saying what I did good.. getting up with the baby so he could sleep, not saying that I told the baby I love her more b/c I got up with her so that he could hear. I'm just as good at the jabs and punches as he is.

but why?

Why do we vow to love someone for the rest of our wordly years just to feel threatened, belittled or parented? Parented.. meaning my husband has a way of treating me like a child not his partner. Granted there are things that we dont' know until we say I do.. like that he likes to sleep in socks (eww) or that no matter how many clothes baskets you have.. his dirty socks will never make it in it. That's not everyone. Some men are the OCD partner some men are the spenders. Some men are the workaholics providing and not giving the relationship attention.. but so could the women.

Lately it seems people think the 'grass is greener on the other side' and simple things are worth the sweat and grit. My first marriage wasn't but this one is. Not because of kids but because there is a strength to us … when we are connected that is magical.


I have a lot more to add here but I'm going to stop. I'm going to say that if you are in a spot where you think it's not workable, if you fight a lot over things, if you feel overlooked and under valued.. talk to your spouse! Don't just give up and walk away.. fight for what you vowed.. fight for marriage. Talk to your friends, your parents.. a counselor. I just feel that more and more we are giving up when there is so much more fight to give. Fighting doesn't make your relationship bad, it's a way of talking when you've can't handle a situation anymore.

I do, however, want to say that if you are in a physically or verbally abusive relationship. If you are being cheated on or trust is lost for another reason. If you have seeked all levels of advice and help and it's not making you happy... then don't stay in the relationship. Don't feel pressured by friends or family to stay when you know it's wrong. It's just as easy for a outlooker to give you bad advice as it is to get good advice.



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