Thursday, March 21, 2019

Communication.

This past weekend I got into a HUGE fight with my husband over a puppy.
Yep, a puppy.
This puppy. We both agree'd via text messages that we were buying THIS dog. We were going to let our middle child have it for his birthday. We both agreed this dog needed to be walked, trained, and even talked about getting it a certificate for emotional support for my oldest. We agreed that I would pay the deposit that night to secure the puppy.

The next day he facetimed me to let me know that he has no intentions of walking the dog. He said the dog wouldn't be his anyway so he didn't understand why he needed to take on the extra chore. He went on to say that he was angry b/c we agreed that the next big dog would be a 'bull mastiff'. He said that he wanted our son to have the dog, but didn't want to help take care of it.. at all.

My head exploded. What I heard him say is because it's not what I want I'm not going to help. How could he be so selfish? We never agreed on a Bull Mastiff because it's not a breed I want. The golden was for our boys. They are great with autistic children and my two younger ones. I have literally been asking for a golden since 2015. What I heard him say is this is just another thing you have to juggle while I sit on the couch. I also heard I'm going to complain and say this was your decision every time you complain about the workload.  I lost my mind. My brother talked me out of calling the lady and refunding the puppy we hadn't received. I talked myself out of returning the puppy items I had already purchased. I even sent him a email explaining my plans of action.

My husband facetimed me later that night. He bluntly told me I was being crazy. Which you can imagine set me off again.. how dare he! Then went on to explain that because he is going to another ship and will be deploying again I will be left with the majority of the responsibility. He said b/c of his absence the dog wouldn't bond with him and he it wouldn't be his dog. He said that I already complain about my two, and my brothers two dogs, and he didn't want to hear more complaining about the extra work load. (Truth bomb.. my brother moves out the next week.. and his dogs go with him. His dogs are NOT  100% potty trained which means I already have to retrain mine. Which was prefect time to introduce a puppy and do all the training together. ((Also my dogs are pretty good about not messing in the house, it's the chewing up baby toys that I have a issue with)).
I want this dog. I understand I am taking on the extra training and vet visits and etc. I just thought it would be a good family investment.  I thought we were agreeing to take this dog on family walks and I could envision us playing together in the yard.. I thought he was saying he couldn't and wouldn't do those things or see those things.

At the end of the day I feel like a huge dramatic jerk. I feel like if we had communicated, instead of thinking we knew what the other was thinking, this could have all be avoided. After he explained his actual thought process. THIS whole event caused us to sit and really talk about our communication with each other. THIS event made us realize that we have been 'adlibbing' what we thought the other meant or was going to say. THIS single event made us realize that we still need to keep trying and not just let the other interprete what we think the other means. It also made me realize that we focus so much on the kids that we aren't taking care of each other. That we aren't connected to that esp level and maybe we should really work on that.

So.. this past weekend I bought a puppy and I learned that my husband and I need to communicate better. I have no idea what I'm going to name the furball,. the puppy not my husband, but I am really excited to add this to our story. I'm excited to see how this chapter will be written.

How do you are your significant other communicate? What are ways that you communicate with your spouse in a healthy manor? WHAT DO I NAME THIS PUPPY????

Saturday, March 16, 2019

encourage.

ENCOURAGE:
to give one support, hope, confidence.
to help stimulate (an active, state, or view) to develop

I know my last two posts are big downers. Life isn't always a bed of roses. Sometimes life can be dark and bleak. Sometimes it's a struggle for people to get out of bed. Sometime we feel so alone that we have lost the gumption and joy for life.

BUT

We make choices everyday. We make choices to laugh or smile. We make choices to brighten someone's day with a call or a small gesture. We make the choice everyday to stay in the dark or force ourselves into the light. Some times it isn't that easy and we need help to push ourselves..

I encourage you to call a friend this weekend. I encourage you to help your neighbor. I encourage you to take your kids to a park, or for ice cream or to rent a movie. I encourage you to call your Grandparents, or your parents, and tell them hi & that you love them. I encourage you to say "HI" to a stranger & genuinely complement them. I encourage you to take a hot dish to a new Mommy in your church or even on your street. You don't have to know them, you don't have to be best friends with them.. but that sentiment speaks volumes!!
If you have been feeling like I have lately.. then I encourage you to go outside. I encourage you to call someone to talk to. I encourage you to find inspirational/uplifting quotes to help you out of bed. I encourage you to get out of your house … to do something that used to bring you joy. Call a friend for lunch, grab a cup of coffee.. whatever. Pay for the coffee for person behind you at Starbucks or a local coffee shop.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. So I encourage you to reach out to someone this weekend and to bring purpose to making their day better. We have a lot of towns, cities and states - covered in snow, some flooded, some are dealing with natural disasters. Find a way to contribute - to brighten someone else's day. Spring cleaning is around the corner.. donate some blankets, food, clothing..

Whatever you chose to do.. remember that the smallest act of kindness goes so far.
I will be donating our baby items this weekend. I'll be prepping our yard for the kids to start going back out to play. I will be cleaning out the dark corners of the house to bring in happiness and brightness.

Friday, March 15, 2019

I gave up.


Remember when we were 18 and we thought we'd have it all together as adults? Remember when our parents said no to those Spring Break weeks and we pouted for months? I still wish I had gone on them because I didn't in my 20's or early 30's. Now I'm 37 with a mortgage, car payment .. the weight of all adult responsibility and being a single parent (75% of the time) to 3 small kiddos. This is not the life I had envisioned stomping around at 18.
There isn't a magic backspace button where we can go back and redo. Without taking our future knowledge back with us, I don't think we'd change a thing - realistically. I can 'wish' I had done this or that.. but it's a wasted wish. The hard part is figuring out how to change the future to put you on the path you need, or want, to be. Like there are days I regret no focusing on a career. There are days I feel I waisted with all the fertility treatments in my 20's and the unknown lingering over my head. I question why having a career was never triggered with my desire to have kids. I mean how did I expect to take care of them?  I wish I had taken that energy and put into something that I could still obtain today. I hope that I share this with my kids and they keep in with them. That ship hasn't sailed for me yet but I just feel ignorant for not caring.
At some point I gave up. At some point I kept hearing "you have two small kids - give yourself a break".. then #3 came. Now I hear "you have 3 small babies and a lot on your plate". To me though that doesn't justify the slacking. That doesn't justify giving up. I gave up on a lot. It's not just household stuff that simply got away from me. It's not just the friends that somehow got lost in transit. It's not just feeling overwhelmed or mentally exhausted all the time. It's not just realizing that you are alone, with three small babies, 90% of the time. It's not just all the appointments and therapies and Dr's visits. It's all of it rolled up in a hairy, slimy ball that's been under the couch for years. Sectioned off it's not unobtainable, but together it feels overwhelming.
I gave up physically. I did try for a moment after my first born. I did want to look the "mommy" part and wear khakis and blazers. I did try fake eyelashes and play around with makeup and hair routines. I did join a gym and tried to pretend like I cared about losing weight. Every time we stepped in that gym and it wasn't about my son I felt Mommy guilt. I wanted to do the hiking mommy groups. I wanted to do the beach play dates and walk our babies along the strand. I wanted to experience zoo days and park play dates. That never happened.
Then number 2 came around the same time the diagnosis came for my oldest. Then right as I started to get the groove of having 2 small kids and all the billion appointments, I found out I had created my unicorn baby. Should have been the time of my life, should have been one of the most celebrated moments of my life and it wasn't.
Why? because I was alone. I was left to handle it all. I was left to beg and beg for help. Instead of help I got "why not care.com", or 'why not order your groceries', "you've got this" or 'if it was meant to be it would fall into place'. The more I heard that I wasn't getting the help I was begging for .. I gave up.  To me not one person cared enough to stop and help me unload groceries. Not one person cared enough to come over and chat with me or just help around the house. Not one person cared enough to drop off a hot meal, or ask if I needed anything, or offered to help. Not one person bothered to pick up a damn phone and ask how I was doing. That broke me. It broke me in a million bitter, angry, uncontrollably sad pieces.
My therapist asked me what my breaking point was. It was during my second pregnancy when I was begging, literally begging, people to fly out and help w my oldest son while I gave birth to my second. Knowing I would require a C-section, knowing my oldest needed care, knowing my husband was on deployment and couldn't come home. Begging and offering paid plane tickets, offering a free guest room & all the accommodations they needed just to be with me after my second child was born. To this day that still makes me angry and teary eyed. Don't get me wrong, it all came together, but that feeling.. that empty heartbreaking feeling.. has never left me. That absolutely vulnerable moment where I genially needed something.. broke me. Fast forward almost two year since my 2nd son was born and it's still the same.

At the end of this amazing vent sesh… I will say this. I will heal. I will learn to care again. I will learn to forgive. I have learned to be a better friend. I have learned to call people, on the actual phone, and see how they are doing. I have learned to take a hot meal to a new mommy.

but I have still given up.


 

Thursday, March 14, 2019

depression sucks.

Well hello. It's been a minute.
I have been trying to find time to get a post in, truth is I've been have a hard time getting anything done. It's been a rough month for no reason other then my own head. I finally made an appointment with a shrink again, I finally started talking about the inner struggles out loud. I've been internally been struggling with such silly stuff that you put in on a back shelf.. then you realize your shelf is full of all these little things.. but it's full. I have also narrowed it down to the Depo shot, for birth control, as being the main trigger for these wild swings in emotions and moods.
I have noticed a couple of a new readers.. so thank you for following along! I just wanna semi recap with saying that in April I will have a 1 yr old, actually 2.. for 9 days, a 2 yr old and my oldest doesn't turn 4 until July. So I'll have a 1, 2, and 3 yr old for a three month span. While Little Miss is excelling and is WAY ahead of her age group.. it's always busy. Mr. Man's schedule is crazy. Little Dude is a ham & just started exploring with temper tantrums.. which are new in this house. no seriously.
Also with being on the transparent side of things.. my husband & I have been having a really rough time so far this year. We are having issues communicating with each other. I wanna also say that because I feel so off.. that most of the issues are because of me. The other percent is him not listening to what I'm needing from him right now. Nothing that's not workable but it's totally added stresser that I do not need.
Speaking of the house. We are interchanging from baby to toddler so quickly that the junk has multiplied and has taken over. I feel it's a constant declutter act. I think we have borrowed my brothers truck for dump runs at least once a month. I have donated, sold, and given stuff away. Then with that turn you gotta replace it with something else.. or at least that's what I'm trying NOT to do. We have replaced highchairs with boosters. We have replaced sippy cups with those awesome munchkin cups. We are almost through with formula and transitioning into milk.. hallelujah. We've donated baby rattles and baby mats. We have gotten rid of all the infant seats and replaced those with little chairs - so adorable by the way.
A lot of change, a lot of altering, a lot of decluttering and a lot of reorganization = chaos. You gotta create a huge mess to get it all thrown out. So it seems like stuff is everywhere b/c we have 2 days do undo three years worth of inventory.. then try to manage through a busy week.. then back to the 2 day race. I'm not saying anything parents don't understand or know.. it's just new to us.
The crazy part is that I feel I have to carry this huge load of responsibilities on my own.. because I do. I take care of so much and feel that it's not equally distributed and it's taking a toll. My house is a mess, my marriage is a mess, my kids are growing faster then I can blink and I'm just watching time click by. It's so overwhelming somedays. I know I'm not alone and that thousands of parents go through this.. but it's hard. It's hard to feel so alone and know that you need a mental break and cant' get one. It's hard to express how you feel to get that 'say what' look from your spouse. OMG I am so tired of fighting for attention from my husband … battling that damn phone. I wish that phones had never been created somedays. It has caused such a ripple in our relationship.. for real. It just gets so overwhelming and then you add feeling so alone.. man it's been rough. The important thing is that I'm realizing it's too much. I'm trying to make my life easier with Prime Now orders, with ordering groceries online. I'm trying to get to the zoo on weekends, or the park, just to break up the pattern we've created.
The hardest part of my day … in the evenings I make a to do list for the next day. I promise myself it's going to be better and easier. I'm going to wake up and be renewed and refreshed and pumped. Problem is .. I wake up and get the oldest off to school, the little are running around.. gotta feed and change them. THEN I spend the majority of my mornings talking myself out of my todo list. HOW backwards. I float through my afternoons filled with therapies and appointments. Barely get a good meal on the table, throw the kids in baths.. get them to bed and my head races. I pick up on everything that wasn't done, wasn't done right, I beat myself up for doing laundry instead of playtime.. or vise versa. I've complained about it all and never seem to be complacent. That my friends is a form of depression. Never feeling complete no matter what you do. Never feeling like you are enough, do enough, or that everything you did was wrong. You end up wasting hours of your life worrying and internally fighting.. that you've wasted a day. then a month. and even longer.

 
We are all a work in progress. I think that it's hard to remember some days that we aren't perfect. I think it's hard to think of ourselves as 'enough' but we are. I love my kids and I want to be my best for them. That requires changes and sacrafices. I just need some help learning how to navigate this new chapter. I gotta believe it's gonna get better.. I just gotta.