Thursday, May 30, 2019

Empire

Last year I read Rachel Hollis' amazing book "Girl, wash your face". Upon the finale chapters I realized that I didn't have a goal. I didn't have a empire to grow & nature. I got really down on myself & thought of career's past being a Mom. I sought out schools and degree's to obtain before my husband hits retirement so I could take 'my chance'. I did find a career, by all accounts, that really sings to me. Unfortunately it's 'unobtainable' right now and that set me in a tail spin. I felt useless and hopeless. I felt like I had missed my chance prebaby to find my career and give it the attention it needed. To add to that the more people I told about my goal tore me down. Reminded me how busy I was and that my goal was unobtainable for various reasons and I believed them.  I allowed those words to seep into my soul and took them for the real. I soaked the words up like a sponge, because after all, they are my support team.

A couple of months later I sought out personal therapy & marriage therapy because I felt my life was spiraling out of control with no meaning. I didn't (and don't) feel like I have a support system to obtain my goals. Big or small, here or later. That hit me even harder in my slump. I lost my mission because I felt like I was a failure. I started thinking that I couldn't bring anything into a relationship, I had nothing to offer. If we were to go out to dinner the only conversation I had to contribute to was cleaning & kids. I saw myself just making these elaborate circles through my day but not accomplishing anything. That needed to change. 

One day while shampooing carpets it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. My house & kids were my empire. Everything I applied, daily, was to create and maintain the empire I had created. My goal for years was to have a family & here I was saying my life had no meaning because I didn't have more. That my friends is ludicrous.  So I found new facebook groups tailored to scheduling, meal plans, cleaning, and I found a bomb parenting group. I realized that I have wasn't going to have a picture perfect house & by learning tricks & tips I could be more efficient.

So I decided to revamp it all. I listened to my personal therapist tell me that my new goals and admission was unrealistic and unobtainable so I fired him. I absolutely feel like our marriage therapist is a god send and made me see that I'm a really shitty wife. Most importantly I need to see that what I am doing right now is important. Every mindless, endless, and tiring chore is for a reason & means something. So here I am to say that dreams and goals matter. That you need to push through and figure out where you need to be at this moment. Having future goals is great and obtaining smaller ones is great too. Self validation is important and knowing people have your back is too. Creating simple ways to help you achieve those smaller goals is ok.

I hope you follow me through growth. Maybe you can teach me something that has worked for you. Nothing is unobtainable - to be a Dr you need years or school and medical rounds. Like that .. it may mean you have to master smaller goals before you achieve your overall goal.


Hope you follow along.




Amy

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

RESET


I wasn't sure if I was going to renew my domain & blog. I was thinking about getting a whole new name and domain & starting over. I have a month to really decide what I'm going to do but I want to reset the content.
It's easy for me to complain. It's easy for me to share all the bs and forget about the good. It's really easy to get caught up with sharing all the ways I feel like I fail. 
I feel like the majority of these past posts are just sad. My depression & that mindset are huge players in my life. It's easy to get swept out into that winding road even when I intend to write a uplifting post. To a degree there is a lot of negativity on the surface but I'm determined to rise above that natural complaining portion of my life. I don't want to share the downs of my life but what I'm truly into and focus on. Don't get me wrong.. change is hard. It takes 21 days to change a pattern and your mindset. It's gonna be a challenge.

So what am I going to share?
I'm into organizing, schedules, meal preps and plans, efficient lunches & dinners, efficient grocery trips, cleaning schedules & my favorite - laundry schedules. Maybe a little bit about marriage.
I'm not a soy, grain free, everything fresh kinda gal and if I buy organic it was more or less a accident. I believe in efficiency because my kids are little. I personally believe I can kick the chicken nuggets into 'grown up' chicken soon enough. So what I'm saying is.. I'm not a crunchy Mom.

So I encourage you to join the next chapter as I share household tricks, open up about parenting, and recreate myself into what I want. I want to say that I am not perfect, and don't pretend to be, I just wanna share a real part of myself and see what happens. I encourage you to leave comments and advice. I encourage you to share personal experiences or ideas you have tried out. Fell free to ask questions ..



Sunday, May 19, 2019

2 month update.

WOW!! Guys it's been 2 months!! Almost two whole months!!

We got that puppy. We named him Rollie. He is the most amazing dog we have had to date. He has been super easy to train, got along with our existing pups super fast & has been a great joy. I just got to get his nipping under control b/c he has a hard time switching from playing with the pups to the kids.
My daughter turned 1. She is just .. amazing. She is both happy and grumpy. She is ridiculously smart & boy am I in trouble. Her favorite word is NO and she uses it A LOT and she is quick to remind you that she is the baby.

My middle child turned 2 and he is the sweetest child. He is such a boy but is so sensitive. His love for animals is just incredible. His favorite at the moment is a LION and he loves to 'roar'. He recently discovered dinosaurs and it's adorable.


My oldest child is just so busy. He goes to all these therapies and is just blossoming. He is talking SO much & if you can put it to a song he will repeat it. His love for music is not surprising but it's so incredible to hear him sing along. We have a ways to go before he says full sentences but he is getting there. We have been working on potty training & it's going.. I honestly thought this would be a faster process but he is really doing good.

The husband and I found a great marriage therapist. It's been helping us so much. As a military family we don't really think about 'time lost'. Our counselor did a time line, that showed us that we have only spent a year & a half together.. without roomies. So over the past 9 years .. only a year and half together. That really opened our eyes to how we have grown.. but apart. It has been a journey. We have had to really force ourselves to 'date' again and get to know one another. It sounds so silly but we have spent so much time apart.

My personal growth has really been focused around my home. I spend a lot of time cleaning, organizing, formulating schedules. I have forgotten who I am outside of these walls. I have forgotten the simple joys of the outside world. I think my focus has been on my home & making babies for so long that I put myself on the shelf. Although I like the things that I have, I do struggle. I struggle to keep my house to the vision I have created. My home is full and it's on the cluttered side. It drives me insane... literally insane. I feel like I am constantly throwing away, donating, giving away. Our children are growing so fast but because they are so close together - you can't just trash the before while bringing in the new. The baby is still on a bottle and the oldest is on to cups. So the huge variety causes clutter.
I think my biggest downfall is the noise. The noise from other people who don't understand where I'm at. The feedback that is negative and just unwanted. I am aware that I have three small kids but I still expect to have a certain standard. I'm not above ordering groceries, I'm not above chicken nuggest and food pouches but I can't stand an unorganized space. It makes me feel nervous. I also put a lot on pressure on myself because my oldest has in home therapy 4 days a week. I don't want to have a messy, unorganized home and so I filter through pinterest to find solutions. I think I have a good routine down now. We have organized a lot but we aren't even close to where I want.

So in therapy my biggest challange is trying to figure out who I am outside of being a Mom and that is hard. Stupid hard. My biggest goal in life was getting to where I am now & my new goal is managing this life the best way I can. I don't let people make me feel bad as a parent b/c to each their own. I do get a little down when I meet new people and I don't have a lot to share outside of my kids. I'm all about convenience... all about it. I'm all about music & coffee & baseball caps. I'm all about being comfy and reasonable not cute and in style.  I'm about going to the beach, the park, the zoo.. whatever puts a smile on my kids faces. I'm in love with air bnb's and I'll book a get away any chance I can. I like to sip on rum & dr pepper while watching my kids play. I'm silly simple.

For Mother's Day I hired someone to help clean the house & she is coming tomorrow. I'm excited to have some help. I'm going to finish this episode of 'Naked and Afraid' and go to bed.
Thank you for reading ... please stop & say hi...