Thursday, May 30, 2019

Empire

Last year I read Rachel Hollis' amazing book "Girl, wash your face". Upon the finale chapters I realized that I didn't have a goal. I didn't have a empire to grow & nature. I got really down on myself & thought of career's past being a Mom. I sought out schools and degree's to obtain before my husband hits retirement so I could take 'my chance'. I did find a career, by all accounts, that really sings to me. Unfortunately it's 'unobtainable' right now and that set me in a tail spin. I felt useless and hopeless. I felt like I had missed my chance prebaby to find my career and give it the attention it needed. To add to that the more people I told about my goal tore me down. Reminded me how busy I was and that my goal was unobtainable for various reasons and I believed them.  I allowed those words to seep into my soul and took them for the real. I soaked the words up like a sponge, because after all, they are my support team.

A couple of months later I sought out personal therapy & marriage therapy because I felt my life was spiraling out of control with no meaning. I didn't (and don't) feel like I have a support system to obtain my goals. Big or small, here or later. That hit me even harder in my slump. I lost my mission because I felt like I was a failure. I started thinking that I couldn't bring anything into a relationship, I had nothing to offer. If we were to go out to dinner the only conversation I had to contribute to was cleaning & kids. I saw myself just making these elaborate circles through my day but not accomplishing anything. That needed to change. 

One day while shampooing carpets it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. My house & kids were my empire. Everything I applied, daily, was to create and maintain the empire I had created. My goal for years was to have a family & here I was saying my life had no meaning because I didn't have more. That my friends is ludicrous.  So I found new facebook groups tailored to scheduling, meal plans, cleaning, and I found a bomb parenting group. I realized that I have wasn't going to have a picture perfect house & by learning tricks & tips I could be more efficient.

So I decided to revamp it all. I listened to my personal therapist tell me that my new goals and admission was unrealistic and unobtainable so I fired him. I absolutely feel like our marriage therapist is a god send and made me see that I'm a really shitty wife. Most importantly I need to see that what I am doing right now is important. Every mindless, endless, and tiring chore is for a reason & means something. So here I am to say that dreams and goals matter. That you need to push through and figure out where you need to be at this moment. Having future goals is great and obtaining smaller ones is great too. Self validation is important and knowing people have your back is too. Creating simple ways to help you achieve those smaller goals is ok.

I hope you follow me through growth. Maybe you can teach me something that has worked for you. Nothing is unobtainable - to be a Dr you need years or school and medical rounds. Like that .. it may mean you have to master smaller goals before you achieve your overall goal.


Hope you follow along.




Amy

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