Wednesday, August 7, 2019

positive...



Helllllllooooooo!! 

I am in a real bad way needing a change. Like a full all over change. Like gutt it all and start over. As we all know 'change' is hard. You can change it all but if the surroundings don't change.. then reverting is very possible. 


While I will say that I love my children. Outside of that I feel very alone. Extremely alone. My two friends moved away, it's hard to start new friendships. My husband works hard and provides for us but has a better relationship with his phone then me. On that same note .. I don't do anything to really talk about so......... I'm alone. Alone w my thoughts, feelings, insecurities. Alone with my accomplishments, alone with my goals...
I go to the store alone, nail shop alone, Target alone, grocery shopping alone. the zoo with my kids alone. 


As we go through the reno we are throwing something things l realized that I have grown & changed so much in the past 9 years. I think i feel sad because I have feeel like I have changed alone. That is sad. BUT I am tired of being alone. I'm tired of being sad. I have this amazing life but I'm alone. I'm struggling.. gosh have I been struggling. Struggling to feel important past my kids, struggling to find my worth, struggling to be needed and wanted and have someone, ANYONE, who wants to be around me. A person to share my life, a life that I feel is very insignificant.
 (( Let me stop and say that I'm NOT suicidal)) 


SO lets start from the top.
I have decided to change some things up. I've decided to get up earlier then usual. I've decided to start a version of the KETO diet. I've decided to MAKE myself leave the house at least once a week. 
I am the queen of online ordering.. groceries, clothing.. I'm such a fan of online grocery orders.
I've decided to put more of myself first. I get up earlier - get my coffee & a shower. I feel energetic & I feel that I can't MAKE myself have friends but I can make myself better - stronger. Maybe I need this time to really get to know myself better, stronger and that's the route I'm gonna take. 

Guys.. I'm trying. Somethings gotta change & I'm trying 

















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