Sunday, December 29, 2019

2019.. let it go..

What a year yo! 
We wrapped up 2018 with a trip to WA for the Christmas break.
We were driving back right after the New Year. 

When I go back through the months via pictures you can vividly see how our life slowly changed. 
it's crazy.. really. My little baby in the beginning of 2019 is now a toddler.

Last Feb my son flushed a rubber duck down our toilet and it cost us a new toilet. That's funny now. 


We took the kids 'sledding' & rented our first Air BNB in early March. That was a blast! My friends birthday.. the kids loved the snow, surrounded by our Navy friends.. in the SNOW. Man I love snow. 
we threw a joint birthday party for my 1 and 2 yr old. 
Nobody came. My girls came & celebrated my kids.
 I was so hurt & swore off birthday parties. 
This year we are celebrating all 3 in Disney. 
So I did learn. We got a bouncy house that my boys still talk about. 
OH and we got our first Golden Retriever - ROLLIE

Our Roomies moved out. 
We decided to get new floors and started spending weekends at Home Depot.
 We went to the zoo, alot, in our new quad stroller! 
We spent weeks looking for those damn Starbucks changing color cups. 
I also discovered Wal-Mart order pickup service... hmm heaven.

We went to the zoo a bunch!
We ordered our flooring.
We got a BIG above ground pool.
We started ripping our our old flooring! 

We started putting in our new flooring,
We ordered our sinks, counters and backsplash
I got a new i-watch b/c it fell off at a trip to Home Depot.
We used our bathtub as a kitchen sink & it was god awful.

**my two besties BOTH moved to WA & I lost my marbles.
Fell into a deep depression, resented everyone and everything - & absolutely nobody noticed.
 Good times.
We got our counters installed & our sink
Our backsplash came incorrect. 
My van was stolen out of our driveway in the middle of the reno -
adding to my resentment and depression - not that anyone noticed.
Officially nutty.

I was able to purchase my Chevy truck after the Van was found & totaled.
Somehow pulled myself out of my funk but continues to avoid people.
That was the most stressful situation I have ever encountered.
I've never felt so alone & powerless in my life.

We did our first official family trick or treating as Toy Story.
Realized I chased my brother & decided to stop.
Still was in a funk and avoided people.
Got my bedliner for my truck & added a flowmaster to the exhaust.
Started to feel better but very different.
 Good different. Empowered different.

Yo.. I don't give a f... Like at my lowest of lows I pulled myself back up because of my kids.
 My kids need me.. at least that's what I tell myself.
I don't want to be a frumpy house wife.. I want to be more.
I want to be strong and show my kids - my daughter - that I'm strong.
I don't need a man to hold me up. 
I don't invite people to shit no more and nobody invites us to shit .. lonely yo
I had this awakening and I don't care about nothing except my littles.

Had a VERY blessed and amazing Christmas.
We did it all. All the Christmas stuff. 
All the cookies. All the love.. 

** I know this took a crazy turn in August.. but for real. 
I was so low that I could barely get dressed or take a shower. 
I for real was lower then low. 
Not one person stepped up and helped me up. 
My husband just let me be & I swear that helped & broke me at the same time. 
I have never felt so alone, low and lost in my life. 
Here I am though.. I know people snicker when I say my truck saved my life.. but yo.. it did. 
It gave me a voice, it gave me strength.. it made me feel strong. 
When I had nobody else to lean on and these precious babies leaning on me.. man I found my strength. I also found my strength in prayer. I pray.. man I pray. 
I pray God gives me friends & he did. 3 strong women who always have my back when I let them. I hide feelings alot.. but I pray for self worth, strength, remindes me what is important.. 
I don't chase nobody. 
The truth can be dark so I wont apologize 


2020 is going to be wonderful! It's going to be full of growth and life. 
It's going to be a lot of reflection and learning. So here is to the New Year.. the chance to make some great changes, memories, decisions. A chance to appreciate the great people in my life that have been by my side - even by a distance. I'm going to keep climbing that mountain.. here I go! 


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