preliminary

I've been keeping my emotions off facebook.
I've been silently dying to scream from the roof tops that we are very highly possibly MOVING!
Can I just stop and tell you that every fiber of my being is holding it's breath. Can I tell you that I've stopped a thousand and one times stopped and prayed this all falls together. I'm even going to admit that my closet is already full of packed boxes & I'm not stopping. 

You guys all know my Van was stolen out of my drive way in August. Since then I can't seem to shake the unnerving sense that we aren't safe. Then my husband came up for new orders and I panicked. what if we aren't safe? what happens if this happens again? how do i protect my little family? what if all the bad happens while he is gone & I'm all alone? 

 After searching and searching for houses in such a inflated market we found that we can't afford to move. I was heart broken. I started searching alarms, self defense classes, and even our Cali gun laws. I visited a new friend at her house a couple weeks ago, pulling in her driveway a light bulb went off.  We could sell our house and move into military housing!

 I walked through her house and saw all the potential in the world. I couldn't get home fast enough to blurt this all out. My thoughts were a mile a moment as I pitched my biggest sale to my husband. It took about two whole weeks of constantly bringing up the PROS b/c it also comes with the cons.
Then I prayed. 

After a very long prayer sesh, in my truck, I came home to my husband saying that he has agreed to 'look into it'. Which lead us to contact a zillow affiliate to do a cash offer for our home. We have been waiting to put in the paperwork for the housing until we figure out our house. Tomorrow we get our preliminary offer & it's looking very very promising. Then they do a 'walk thru' and give us a offer. All of which should be done in the next week.

If everything falls into place we will be moving a very short time span... weeks.. like quick. So fingers crossed this all works out.

I just want to add.. that while it may seem extreme to someone.. that I want to throw our equity out the door to rent.. I just wanna say that my peace of mind and comfort is worth WAY more then a mortgage payment. I don't think I need to justify to anyone .. that it was just a vehicle. That it was replaced and that should be that. My sense of safety for my family has been shaken & I feel in my bones that that is the RIGHT decision for us right now.
 It's not forever, but this is going to be our next chapter. 

meh.

Ever wake up and you just feel meh?
Like it doesn't matter if you clean the house or sit on the couch.. the outcome is the same.
 I mean logically that's not the case but my head space stays the same.
I doesn't matter if I put on make up and stay in my jammies all day.
 It doesn't matter if I nurse a cup of coffee for three hours
Some mornings I want to throw my responsibilities out the window, throw my kids in my truck and go to the park.
We have the time.. but I can't justify it b/c what I put off today I'll have to do tomorrow.
Ugh.
I hate days like this.
I know all days aren't happy go lucky - rainbow and puppies.. but man.

I think more and more parents feel this way. Alone and trapped by their own responsibilities .. wanting to play hookie from the demands.
I'm also at the point that I hate things by myself.
Sure a massage sounds great.. a hour alone.. alone.
Nail salon.. same thing.
Movie theater.. same thing.
Packing my kids up for a Starbucks drink... not as satisfying as it used to be.

What are things you do to break the funk?
How do you recreate a positive head space when you are down and blue?
How do you fight back and regain control?

'walk it out'

In 2018 I was diagnossed with Osteiitis Dessicans & in 2019 I was diagnosed with Diastasis Recti. 

Osteiitis Dessicans -  is is a joint condition in which bone underneath the cartilage of a joint dies due to lack of blood flow. This bone and cartilage can then break loose, causing pain and possibly hindering joint motion.

Diastasis Recti description  "is Chalk it up to hormones and your ever-expanding uterus, says Kevin Brenner, M.D., F.A.C.S., a board certified plastic and reconstructive surgeon based in Beverly Hills. "During the gestational period of pregnancy, connective tissue called the linea alba thins out in response to a mother's change in hormone levels in order to accommodate the enlarging uterus. This is one important way that a mother's body changes to allow a baby to grow in utero," he says. Once you've delivered your baby, and your hormone levels return to their pre-pregnancy levels, that thinnging generally improves. Bun in many cases, Dr Brenner says, the tissues get so stretched out during pregnancy that they lose their elasticity and therefore, the ability to retract back into position - kind of like a overstretched rubber band."

So basically my back over compensated for my stomach muscles not being strong enough. BUT my back pain started when I had my 2nd kid .. not my 3rd like they keep saying. I was in horrible pain during my 3rd pregnancy.. and the Osteiitis Dessicans is why.. but I wasn't diagnosed with that until AFTER my daughter was born. To add to that I have a siatica nerve that is pinched in my left hip and after months of physical therapy they realized my hips are now tilted. And this is why will not be having a 4th baby. I do not feel my body is strong enough to carry the pregnancy and that makes me really sad because I'd love to add another baby to our family. 

So I stay in a lot of pain between my back a lot.. but I've been determined to overcome this. I have been in PT for a minute and it's starting to help. I feel like my will is stronger then the pain. I can't just keep living on Tylenol and I have to get back in shape for my kids.. yo.. it's a bitch trying to keep up with these kids. Keeping up with the house is a painful toll but I do it. I sleep with a heating pad.. it helps the muscles.

We also agreed to take the kids to Disneyland in April for everyone's birthday's. I'm NOT throwing another birthday party anytime soon. Now I'm starting to really re-think Disneyland b/c I don't know if I can walk this whole park for three days! So I decided to start walking with the two little's in the morning.. but damn is it hard to get going. I come up with every excuse under the books.. it's cold, the kids aren't going to cooperate, I need to get maze before I start b/c of creepo's, if I go then stuff around the house isn't going to get done..but I've got to do this or I might as well not even purchase our tickets. I did purchase a elliptical in Nov and a home gym.. I'm not allowed to use the elliptical just yet and we haven't put the home gym together.. but I bought them to help me work on this. I've got to put that strength back into core and allow my back muscles to get a little break. 

I know it takes 21 days to break a habit.. but starting is the hardest.. and I'm having the hardest time starting.... it's a little late now .. (see) but I'm going to set up my day for tomorrow.. because I have to start doing this.. have too.  Wish me luck!

Any tips or tricks.. send them my way..