Wednesday, February 24, 2021

2/24

The weeks just seem to fly by. 

Last weekend I asked the husband to start helping me more around the house. 

He heard that i wanted him do all the laundry and dishes and mop before he went to work. That's not what I said. I said I just wanted a little more help. 

It's so aggravating to not be heard. This guy I follow on Tiktok says that I gotta start pointing all the blame on myself instead of on my husband to make this work... so here we are gonna try.

He's been so extremely helpful these past two days but he is so miserable doing it. I can't tell you what a weight has been dropped by him doing the things I struggle doing - plus all the extra stuff. Like that FINALLY let little man go to school for a hour & a half today!! That was huge and totally new. So him helping with all the dishes and the laundry and mopping allowed me to get the bathrooms cleaned and the toys moved to the kids room - that I had been meaning to do. I just hate to see him be so unhappy for doing something, I feel, I really needed help with. 

Granted I also feel bad that he normally - always - gets up with the kids and I don't. The trade off is that I do the baths and put the kids to bed, while he plays online with his friends. I've always thought of that as really fair. Why? Because he falls asleep moments after getting in bed and it takes me HOURS. Some nights I can lay there until 2 or 3 am.. so getting up at 7 is stupid hard but if he gets over 8 hours of sleep I don't feel guilty sleeping until 9.
Now since I've had my wisdom teeth removed, Feb 12th,  I've been in a lot of pain and sleeping has been even harder. The pain meds wear off mid night and I have to wait a hour or longer to get the pain managed on top of already having issues falling to sleep. I thought he understood but he seems to have a issue with getting up with the kids every single day. 

We've somehow created this extreme form of resentment towards one another. Like, I can't seem to do or say anything that doesn't end up in a argument and vise versa. But do I make this stop? I am hella passive aggressive... like mean shit flies out of my mouth before I can stop it. I make rude comments about him not helping and only wanting to play his game. I do. I make rude comments about him not wanting to play with the kids and just stare at his phone. I do. I gotta stop doing that.
I get aggravated that he wont walk the dog when it's a lot harder for me then him. Harder meaning it's a chore I'm not getting done in exchange for this new one. The dog is 2 so it's not new... but it's also not getting done. IF I am usually doing all the things and he watches various TV shows and video's from his phone then he has time to walk the dog.
I also built a whole gym in my garage and hired a personal trainer in Jan.. have I completed a SINGLE workout?? nope! Because I don't have the time. but his resolve is.. If I get up when he does then I can go work out.. and that doesn't sit right to me. So me sleeping is a big issue, knowing I have such a hard time falling asleep, but me going to workout in that same timeslot isn't? My other option is going into the garage at 9pm and getting a workout in after the kids go to bed. Which would help me fall asleep and possibly flip my schedule.. so maybe I should start doing that. 

We made a deal to pay off all our debt; which isn't a whole hell of a lot. Basically our tax return and the stim pays off 85%. But the fact that a year ago we paid it all off with the sale of the house & here we are again.. I see his frustration and agitation. I think I use shopping to cope with the discontent but then it makes us worse. You'd think I'd listen to his main argument being that he can't stand debt but I see debt as a normal thing all people have. It wasn't until I started looking it up biblically that I really saw the bad.. plus we made an agreement. Our agreement was that we couldn't get divorced unless the debt was paid off b/c he couldn't afford two households... ya know.. child support and alimony. So either way I wanna get it all paid off.. I mean if it really makes him happier... why not?? 

I don't have any of the answers. All of this seems so silly and so controversial. He's had a love for his gaming and the need to be debt free. I've always been a spender & love to sleep. In Oklahoma City.. they have a tornado siren that goes off at noon... a tester.. and I remember at 20 that thing waking me up on my days off. We have very little that unites us too. I like books.. I don't really like movies or TV shows.. although I'm really loving WandaVision. I want to be out doing something.. or sitting outside soaking up the sun. I don't like time fillers the way that he does. I can't binge watch a season.. he has done this multiple times. I think the last show i binged watched was SOA when I was pregnant with little man. The thing is.. couples don't have to be that insync.

I'm not saying I want a divorce.. actually I don't.
I just want to be happy.
I don't want to fight everyday.
I especially don't want that to effect my kids the way it did me growing up. 
If this can't be fixed and we can't find a way to make this work then I wont have a choice.
We are both pretty miserable - I never see him smile anymore outside of his gaming and playing w the kids. He is a great Dad but we have a huge disconnect. 

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

2/17

 My life isn't a sad story.
It's a story about over coming.. prevailing.
Making good out of a shitty childhood.
Marriaging a man I shouldn't have because I didn't want to go back home.
Getting divorced.
Remarrying a man after moving to a whole new state.
Having 3 kids after being told I'd never have kids.
I'm a fighter.. I'm a stubborn fighter. 
I'm also a loaner. 

With that same fight mode I had 3 babies.. c-section babies.. while the husband was on deployment. I had to beg and borrow and really complain to get help. I did it all by myself. I raised 3 babies, got my oldest diagnosed with Autism and in therapies BY MY SELF. I have done things that I knew I could do AND did them by myself. Having my husband come back home has been a real power struggle. I want to hold the torch of not needing anyone and sometimes I get fighting mad that I do. I get mad that I let my guard down and allow people to be apart of my life. I get mad that I feel vulnerable to allow people in and then get hurt. My husband also has the mentality that b/c he's a MAN he's smarter and stronger and I should bow in his shadow. Being all happy to clean his clothes, birth his children and take care of his house while he plays on his phone and his xbox. It has breed a lot of hostility, resentment and anger.  I got married to have a partner.. a ying to my yang. Someone to help my dreams and goals bloom along with theirs.. but I just feel like I'm just 4 people's maid. 

My husband is a good man.. and I can do life on my own.. but that's not the point of being married. I got married to share my life with someone and then fight to keep it private. Self sabotage. But I find it really hard to do it all by myself and I let people in. Then I get disappointed b/c they don't treat me the way that I want them too. It's a vicious circle. BUT I'm not that self disciplined to be a loaner. So then I get upset that I'm all alone.. go looking for friends and the whole cycle begins again.  Truth. I've had friends for over 20 years.. the same friends. My current best friends for almost 10 years.. So I am a good friend. I love whole heartedly. If I let you in.. I let you in. 

I love trucks and Jeeps. I love baseball caps. I love eye lashes and manicured nails. I love scuffed and ripped jeans. I love tank tops and sports bras. I love bathing suits. I love beer with lime. I love flip flops and hooped earrings. I love music.. as long as it isn't heavy metal. I love organization - so a clean tidy house is impossible but important to me. I'm a brand snob and especially love Victoria Secret. I love margaritas on the rocks. I love tacos and steaks. I love working out and I love reading. I like wearing dresses but prefer my jeans. I like planning events and I'm really big on birthday's. 

stay with me on this ride.. I swear it's not as dark of a road as you think. 

Tuesday, February 16, 2021

2/16

 My therapist says I should journal. So here I go 

This all started after we moved almost a year ago. 

The fighting gets so bad. 

We just fight all the time. 

The thing is outside of the kids I don't know why we are married. So fast forward a couple months and I decided to rip the band aide off. I want out. I started looking for houses in Oklahoma where I can move with my 3 kids. When we fight he turns into this narcassistic jerk.. I'm not perfect. I'm faaaar from perfect and I know that I have thrown jabs in with the punches SO I'm not laying all the blame at his feet. I just want a partner. Yea he helps with the kids.. b/c it's like two ships moving in the night in the same waters. We are so polar opposite and everything that is is said is so fueled that you can't even joke. Some days are lighter then others. 

My therapist says I shouldn't make a move without really thinking. That moving in an emotional state is really dangerous. I reached out to a therapist for a couple of reasons.. 

1. complaining & asking for martial guidance is ruining my relationships. It has ruined a couple so far and that makes me sad. Some reasons are b/c people don't feel like i am listening but I am. People think I'm crazy for staying.. maybe I am but I'm choosing what I feel is best after hearing everyone's advice. The original plan was to leave with this next stimulus and and tax return. 

2. Is that in front of other people you'd never know. Plus he does some great things but they annoy the f out of me. So I really wanted to make sure that I'm not 100% of the problem. I honestly don't think i know what "being happy" is. I'm pretty sure that is the cause of #1.... people get tired of complaining. 

3. I am very VERY TRIGGERED. I can go from sweet and nice to super passive aggressive in a snap. I have a tendency to think people are always being to rude to me (which I do believe) and I'm tired of being the nice guy. I'm tired of feeling like I buy someone's affection or that people hand with me b/c of a Crisis mode. 

4. I already feel like a single parent with 3 kids. I already feel like I do this life alone. I already feel like I fail before I start. I'm tired of feeling that way. I'm tired of juggling life by myself and then 'get in trouble' for buying a new trampoline net (true story). I'm tired of trying to find happiness that isn't coming. 

My husband helps with our kids, he runs errands, he'll change a diaper.. but he'd rather be in his room playing video games. So everything is a rush to get to the games. Why don't i sell it?  Because he's a grown man who can purchase another one. I'm not his parent. We should be potty training but we can't agree on anything to get the job done.. so it's either all of me or nothing. Which all of these little 'failures' add up and it makes me super crazy. I want my house to be clean and I want the dog to get walked everyday and  I want a partner. 

Know what.. instead of taking charge of my life.. here I am sitting in bed whining. I absolutely hate feeling this way. I hate feeling so alone. I hate feeling like everything I say or do is wrong. Why? I am really annoyed with how all of this has just played out. It's like I can see the crazy storm heading my way and I just can't get out of the way. Did I mention being alone? 

So I met these awesome ladies in my neighborhood. I finally had adult friends. It was awesome until I realized that they were having conversations without me. I don't know why that triggered me the way it did. Then I realized that one of the neighbors kept making comments about flirting with her husband. Like ok.. yes I did friend request him via facebook, yes - I stopped and would say hi while walking dog but it made me a feel a certain kinda way - like I was doing something wrong. SO I went to my "friend" about how I felt.. it blew up in my face. SO now they wont talk to me, people I didn't even talk to are reaching out with text messages about how shitty my life is.. about how they are all terrified of my husband. it's so fucked up in so many ways. I just wanted friends.. I just wanted to be transparent about my life and people understand ... but it blew up in my face.  I'm highly annoyed.