Tuesday, February 16, 2021

2/16

 My therapist says I should journal. So here I go 

This all started after we moved almost a year ago. 

The fighting gets so bad. 

We just fight all the time. 

The thing is outside of the kids I don't know why we are married. So fast forward a couple months and I decided to rip the band aide off. I want out. I started looking for houses in Oklahoma where I can move with my 3 kids. When we fight he turns into this narcassistic jerk.. I'm not perfect. I'm faaaar from perfect and I know that I have thrown jabs in with the punches SO I'm not laying all the blame at his feet. I just want a partner. Yea he helps with the kids.. b/c it's like two ships moving in the night in the same waters. We are so polar opposite and everything that is is said is so fueled that you can't even joke. Some days are lighter then others. 

My therapist says I shouldn't make a move without really thinking. That moving in an emotional state is really dangerous. I reached out to a therapist for a couple of reasons.. 

1. complaining & asking for martial guidance is ruining my relationships. It has ruined a couple so far and that makes me sad. Some reasons are b/c people don't feel like i am listening but I am. People think I'm crazy for staying.. maybe I am but I'm choosing what I feel is best after hearing everyone's advice. The original plan was to leave with this next stimulus and and tax return. 

2. Is that in front of other people you'd never know. Plus he does some great things but they annoy the f out of me. So I really wanted to make sure that I'm not 100% of the problem. I honestly don't think i know what "being happy" is. I'm pretty sure that is the cause of #1.... people get tired of complaining. 

3. I am very VERY TRIGGERED. I can go from sweet and nice to super passive aggressive in a snap. I have a tendency to think people are always being to rude to me (which I do believe) and I'm tired of being the nice guy. I'm tired of feeling like I buy someone's affection or that people hand with me b/c of a Crisis mode. 

4. I already feel like a single parent with 3 kids. I already feel like I do this life alone. I already feel like I fail before I start. I'm tired of feeling that way. I'm tired of juggling life by myself and then 'get in trouble' for buying a new trampoline net (true story). I'm tired of trying to find happiness that isn't coming. 

My husband helps with our kids, he runs errands, he'll change a diaper.. but he'd rather be in his room playing video games. So everything is a rush to get to the games. Why don't i sell it?  Because he's a grown man who can purchase another one. I'm not his parent. We should be potty training but we can't agree on anything to get the job done.. so it's either all of me or nothing. Which all of these little 'failures' add up and it makes me super crazy. I want my house to be clean and I want the dog to get walked everyday and  I want a partner. 

Know what.. instead of taking charge of my life.. here I am sitting in bed whining. I absolutely hate feeling this way. I hate feeling so alone. I hate feeling like everything I say or do is wrong. Why? I am really annoyed with how all of this has just played out. It's like I can see the crazy storm heading my way and I just can't get out of the way. Did I mention being alone? 

So I met these awesome ladies in my neighborhood. I finally had adult friends. It was awesome until I realized that they were having conversations without me. I don't know why that triggered me the way it did. Then I realized that one of the neighbors kept making comments about flirting with her husband. Like ok.. yes I did friend request him via facebook, yes - I stopped and would say hi while walking dog but it made me a feel a certain kinda way - like I was doing something wrong. SO I went to my "friend" about how I felt.. it blew up in my face. SO now they wont talk to me, people I didn't even talk to are reaching out with text messages about how shitty my life is.. about how they are all terrified of my husband. it's so fucked up in so many ways. I just wanted friends.. I just wanted to be transparent about my life and people understand ... but it blew up in my face.  I'm highly annoyed. 

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