Wednesday, February 17, 2021

2/17

 My life isn't a sad story.
It's a story about over coming.. prevailing.
Making good out of a shitty childhood.
Marriaging a man I shouldn't have because I didn't want to go back home.
Getting divorced.
Remarrying a man after moving to a whole new state.
Having 3 kids after being told I'd never have kids.
I'm a fighter.. I'm a stubborn fighter. 
I'm also a loaner. 

With that same fight mode I had 3 babies.. c-section babies.. while the husband was on deployment. I had to beg and borrow and really complain to get help. I did it all by myself. I raised 3 babies, got my oldest diagnosed with Autism and in therapies BY MY SELF. I have done things that I knew I could do AND did them by myself. Having my husband come back home has been a real power struggle. I want to hold the torch of not needing anyone and sometimes I get fighting mad that I do. I get mad that I let my guard down and allow people to be apart of my life. I get mad that I feel vulnerable to allow people in and then get hurt. My husband also has the mentality that b/c he's a MAN he's smarter and stronger and I should bow in his shadow. Being all happy to clean his clothes, birth his children and take care of his house while he plays on his phone and his xbox. It has breed a lot of hostility, resentment and anger.  I got married to have a partner.. a ying to my yang. Someone to help my dreams and goals bloom along with theirs.. but I just feel like I'm just 4 people's maid. 

My husband is a good man.. and I can do life on my own.. but that's not the point of being married. I got married to share my life with someone and then fight to keep it private. Self sabotage. But I find it really hard to do it all by myself and I let people in. Then I get disappointed b/c they don't treat me the way that I want them too. It's a vicious circle. BUT I'm not that self disciplined to be a loaner. So then I get upset that I'm all alone.. go looking for friends and the whole cycle begins again.  Truth. I've had friends for over 20 years.. the same friends. My current best friends for almost 10 years.. So I am a good friend. I love whole heartedly. If I let you in.. I let you in. 

I love trucks and Jeeps. I love baseball caps. I love eye lashes and manicured nails. I love scuffed and ripped jeans. I love tank tops and sports bras. I love bathing suits. I love beer with lime. I love flip flops and hooped earrings. I love music.. as long as it isn't heavy metal. I love organization - so a clean tidy house is impossible but important to me. I'm a brand snob and especially love Victoria Secret. I love margaritas on the rocks. I love tacos and steaks. I love working out and I love reading. I like wearing dresses but prefer my jeans. I like planning events and I'm really big on birthday's. 

stay with me on this ride.. I swear it's not as dark of a road as you think. 

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