Wednesday, February 24, 2021

2/24

The weeks just seem to fly by. 

Last weekend I asked the husband to start helping me more around the house. 

He heard that i wanted him do all the laundry and dishes and mop before he went to work. That's not what I said. I said I just wanted a little more help. 

It's so aggravating to not be heard. This guy I follow on Tiktok says that I gotta start pointing all the blame on myself instead of on my husband to make this work... so here we are gonna try.

He's been so extremely helpful these past two days but he is so miserable doing it. I can't tell you what a weight has been dropped by him doing the things I struggle doing - plus all the extra stuff. Like that FINALLY let little man go to school for a hour & a half today!! That was huge and totally new. So him helping with all the dishes and the laundry and mopping allowed me to get the bathrooms cleaned and the toys moved to the kids room - that I had been meaning to do. I just hate to see him be so unhappy for doing something, I feel, I really needed help with. 

Granted I also feel bad that he normally - always - gets up with the kids and I don't. The trade off is that I do the baths and put the kids to bed, while he plays online with his friends. I've always thought of that as really fair. Why? Because he falls asleep moments after getting in bed and it takes me HOURS. Some nights I can lay there until 2 or 3 am.. so getting up at 7 is stupid hard but if he gets over 8 hours of sleep I don't feel guilty sleeping until 9.
Now since I've had my wisdom teeth removed, Feb 12th,  I've been in a lot of pain and sleeping has been even harder. The pain meds wear off mid night and I have to wait a hour or longer to get the pain managed on top of already having issues falling to sleep. I thought he understood but he seems to have a issue with getting up with the kids every single day. 

We've somehow created this extreme form of resentment towards one another. Like, I can't seem to do or say anything that doesn't end up in a argument and vise versa. But do I make this stop? I am hella passive aggressive... like mean shit flies out of my mouth before I can stop it. I make rude comments about him not helping and only wanting to play his game. I do. I make rude comments about him not wanting to play with the kids and just stare at his phone. I do. I gotta stop doing that.
I get aggravated that he wont walk the dog when it's a lot harder for me then him. Harder meaning it's a chore I'm not getting done in exchange for this new one. The dog is 2 so it's not new... but it's also not getting done. IF I am usually doing all the things and he watches various TV shows and video's from his phone then he has time to walk the dog.
I also built a whole gym in my garage and hired a personal trainer in Jan.. have I completed a SINGLE workout?? nope! Because I don't have the time. but his resolve is.. If I get up when he does then I can go work out.. and that doesn't sit right to me. So me sleeping is a big issue, knowing I have such a hard time falling asleep, but me going to workout in that same timeslot isn't? My other option is going into the garage at 9pm and getting a workout in after the kids go to bed. Which would help me fall asleep and possibly flip my schedule.. so maybe I should start doing that. 

We made a deal to pay off all our debt; which isn't a whole hell of a lot. Basically our tax return and the stim pays off 85%. But the fact that a year ago we paid it all off with the sale of the house & here we are again.. I see his frustration and agitation. I think I use shopping to cope with the discontent but then it makes us worse. You'd think I'd listen to his main argument being that he can't stand debt but I see debt as a normal thing all people have. It wasn't until I started looking it up biblically that I really saw the bad.. plus we made an agreement. Our agreement was that we couldn't get divorced unless the debt was paid off b/c he couldn't afford two households... ya know.. child support and alimony. So either way I wanna get it all paid off.. I mean if it really makes him happier... why not?? 

I don't have any of the answers. All of this seems so silly and so controversial. He's had a love for his gaming and the need to be debt free. I've always been a spender & love to sleep. In Oklahoma City.. they have a tornado siren that goes off at noon... a tester.. and I remember at 20 that thing waking me up on my days off. We have very little that unites us too. I like books.. I don't really like movies or TV shows.. although I'm really loving WandaVision. I want to be out doing something.. or sitting outside soaking up the sun. I don't like time fillers the way that he does. I can't binge watch a season.. he has done this multiple times. I think the last show i binged watched was SOA when I was pregnant with little man. The thing is.. couples don't have to be that insync.

I'm not saying I want a divorce.. actually I don't.
I just want to be happy.
I don't want to fight everyday.
I especially don't want that to effect my kids the way it did me growing up. 
If this can't be fixed and we can't find a way to make this work then I wont have a choice.
We are both pretty miserable - I never see him smile anymore outside of his gaming and playing w the kids. He is a great Dad but we have a huge disconnect. 

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